Number Two, No not That!

I find myself not sure about having another child. Some moments I want nothing more than to see two lines and have another. The rest of the time I can't imagine staying sane enough to raise Peanut AND a sibling. Peanut is a handful. He's two hands full. Actually, it takes several hands: mine, husband, and all the lovely ladies at daycare. Still another baby would be wonderful.

Factors to Consider:

1. I'm going to be 32 this summer. The older I get the greater my chances of trouble with the pregnancy or trouble to the child. The first pregnancy was healthy other than Peanut was huge. I'd say I'm about the same healthy body I was then.

2. Peanut requires SO much attention. How will I manage? I was exhausted with the first pregnancy. I fell asleep at 5 and woke up for a little dinner and went back to bed. I had morning sickness for the first 4+ months and maneuvering around a large belly isn't all that easy. Would it be better to wait until he is a little older and can understand better? Telling him "mommy needs to rest" doesn't mean much to him.

3. We got pregnant easily, but will we be so lucky? One of my sisters got pregnant on her first try and then couldn't conceive for almost 6 years. What if that is me? I can't wait 6 years.

4. We're trying to sell the house and move. Is it better or worse to be pregnant during this? Not sure. I think there are pros and cons to it all.

5. I'm scared another child will widen the gap between husband and me. We've not been as close since Peanut was born. I took on the 'mommy' role and long since forgot the 'wife' part. I've been slowly trying to get back to the multi-role person, but it takes time. Will being pregnant help or hurt that?

6. Would Peanut be better as an only child or would a sibling help? Would he be a good brother?

7. I'd really like any future children to not be born in any month between October to March. My preference would be April or May. I'd take June or September and settle for July or August. There are just too many other birthdays, anniversaries or Holidays to try to add another one in there. Which kind of means we need to get busy soon.

8. I don't want to be pregnant with anyone else nearby. My sister gave birth 3 days before me. My friend A gave birth 6.5 months before me. My friend H gave birth 6 weeks after me. Some of my thunder was stolen. While I enjoyed every minute I had to share the spotlight sometimes and didn't want to. What if I get pregnant and then everyone I know does too? This one ties in to #9 as a double edge. See it's nice having friends with kids the same age, but it's also annoying to hear all the comparisons.

9. Most all our friends have one child close in age to Peanut. It's OK to go out with them because it's all balanced. If we have another then we'll be the wonky couple with two kids throwing the balance off. I'm not sure I have a point here, but my brain worries about this stuff.

So. I don't know. I guess we'll see what happens.

Madness

So. Deep breath. Here we go.

About a month ago my friends J&A were talking about painting their house. They are very slow at projects like this. They work full time and only have weekends to work. So I mentioned that my sister (S) could do it (with me helping). We could work during the week and get it done faster than them.

I specifically asked S about this. "Do you want this job?" She said yes. So I formally asked for the job and my friends gave it to us. When can we start? I could start now. I called S and she said she was busy. She wanted to start in June. June was still 2 weeks away at the time. J&A said that was OK. I never would have taken on this job if I had known she was going to be so wishy washy about it. I thought she was more professional than this. Is it because it is my friends and not a stranger? She has had other side jobs and I wonder if she is this lazy with them?

After J&A asking me a few times when we were starting I said 6/4. I called S and said "I'm starting on the house on 6/4, be there or be square (and not get paid)." We were both there around 9:30. We listed all that was to do, made a plan and got to work. At 10:30 she left to get her kid from school and go to the store for supplies. She got back around 12:30 or so. I left at 4 to get my kid and she stayed until 5:30 or 6. So 6 hours for both of us.

Now S has two children. One is in summer school everyday from 8-11. The other child has a gymnastics class from 9-12:30 on Tues. and Thurs. So everyday, S has to stop to go get the school child. On Tues. & Thurs. she doesn't even come until after both are done. On Tues. she got there around 1 and left when I did at 4. So 6 hours for me, 3 for her.

Yesterday (Wed.) she called me in the morning to tell me she wasn't going. She had to mow. Now this is her other side job and I know she has to do it. I just assumed (never do this) she was focusing on painting this week and wouldn't have to stop for other things. Anyway, she didn't go at all. So 6 hours for me, 0 for her.

Today it is super windy and rainy. I'm not going. It's supposed to rain today. I could go. Oh, did I mention it's an hour away from me? Yes, that's one hour there and another one back. It's like 15-20 minutes for S. If I go today I could get there at 10, paint a little and then it is supposed to rain. Is it worth it? No. S said she might go do a little work. Right.

So I mention it's supposed to be nice on Fri. & Sat. I plan to work those days. She said "Oh. I made plans. I didn't know we were working those days." WTF??? I said as calmly as I could that I planned to work on any nice day until it was done. I only have daycare this week and have to take advantage of it. Except for today the weather has been nice. It's supposed to rain all next week. She said she wouldn't have made plans if she knew we were supposed to paint. Why would we not? Why would we not work on the house every nice day we could until it's done? Why would we want to drag it out? Why would I want to drive 2 hours a day for a month? She said that she hoped they knew we weren't professionals and it wasn't going to get done in two days. Yah. I think they get that. I also think they expected us to work a little harder than a few hours a day. I am so mad.

The original plan I thought of was to let this be her job and I would help. Then I scored daycare and could work everyday. So then it was a 50/50 kind of job. Now I really feel like I'm doing more like 70/30. Is it wrong to not want to pay her as much? If she just wasn't so lazy about the whole thing I'd understand. I wish I had never gotten this job. It's so not worth it. We're getting $1500 to paint an entire house. With gas and daycare my share of 750 is cut down to around 500. It's taken me/us all week to get one coat of paint on. We have to caulk, do some sanding, paint trim and do a whole second coat. We'll be another month at this pace.

Never work with family unless you know you are the lazy one. I always thought I was, but apparently I'm the one with a better work ethic.

The Letter 'S'

Snakes: Two. Caught. In our yard! Husband is my hero. He caught them both. One was living in a wood pile in our back yard. Moved the wood, caught a snake. This one was pretty little. The other was living in the tree right in front of our garage. It was on the tree soaking up sun. This one was bigger. Both were kept safe in a pillow case, shown to the neighbors, then released miles away from here. Bye bye.

Sleaze: The jerk at the car dealer thought he could get away with a tricky move. He offered an extended warranty with stain protection (for all the interior fabric as well as ding protection for the exterior) for x dollars. We agreed. When we read through the contract the next day we realized he charged us the same x dollars PLUS $700 for the protection plan. Hello. We went back today and re-did everything. We still paid x for the warranty, but they took off the 700 and gave us the interior protection for free. I guess they were pretty annoyed with us by the end of it, but if they had done what they promised we wouldn't have had any trouble.

Salesman: Our sales guy (K) was nice. He was very new, but nice and helpful. The other guy (J) 'helping' our sales guy was the definition of car salesman. J was friendly in a jerky way and tried to tell us what we wanted and get us out. We left. Without a car. Then came back and dealt with K. They have a cooler of water bottles to give to customers for free. J asked if we wanted anything. I asked for a soda (the planet dealer gives you soda) and he said "we don't have any, it's just water." OK. Except when I said something to K, he directed me to the repair shop where there is a vending machine. Why couldn't J have said that? K paid for my soda and a candy bar.

Stop it: Peanut has to stop being so helpless. He will drop something and it will be just out of reach. Tears. He can't seem to just reach out two inches and pick it up. The World has ended. I know he is still very young, but he knows how to ask for a snack or drink. Why will he not do this? It's frustrating.

Super: My new van. It's beautiful blue and drives nice. I'm nervous as heck driving it that someone will smash into me. I think this will work out just fine. I kind of miss our other car, but this will grow with our family if we someday choose to grow.

Sucks: The house is still for sale. We haven't had many lookers either. I know with the holidays it's bad timing, but if people need/want a house then it shouldn't matter. We're giving it another couple weeks and then our realtor needs to do something to get some folks looking at it.

Supervision: The dog is in trouble for digging up my landscaping the same night I got it finished. As far as I know the other dog is innocent. Trouble is no longer allowed to be free in the yard without someone out there with her to supervise.

Super Hero: Husband has been a real man lately. He wrangled two snakes, and caught two in our yard. Get it? The first two are the jerks at the dealer. Ha. Anyway, he's been great and deserves a cookie.

Day 22 and The Circle of Life

So it's day 22 of the house for sale. No showings this week. Hello. If you live near me and want a house, ours is fabulous. Really. Come by and then come buy. I think we are waiting for that one person out there currently living in an apartment to buy a house. Then those people will buy and those people will buy and so on. The chain must start. Then our house will sell. Or I'll go crazy, one of the two.

Did you also know we are selling our Vue? Yah. Sort of just decided on that. It's fine, but we could get a good deal on (are you ready for this?) a mini-van. I know. If we have another kid we'll need the space. Two adults, two kids and two semi-big dogs. There is no room. So we're trying to get all we can out of it. So come by and buy our Vue, then fall in love with the house and buy that too. Hey, what more could anyone want? A new house and a new car. Fabulous.

So, in an effort to spruce up the house I planted some grass seed. We have a few bare spots in the yard and I am attempting to fill them in. You might want to peruse the previous post about my green thumb (not) to decide how this will turn out. Anyway, I was outside watering some of the spots when a young bird came crashing/flying out of a nest not two feet above me. This spot was under a tree. So teen bird goes flopping across the street trying to get the flying thing down. It's sort of walking, flopping, kind of flying down the street. Then. The neighbors cat comes out. These cats go out of the house and just stay in the front yard. Weird. Anyway, the cat starts to chase the bird. I briefly thought of going after them and chasing the cat away. Then I realized it was the circle of life. I had to leave. I don't know if the cat got the bird or not. It was starting to fly a little, but couldn't go far. The cat was on the chase. I felt awful. If I hadn't been watering, the bird wouldn't have left at that moment and the cat wouldn't have chased the bird, possibly catching it, but who knows. Of course, it could have just been time.

Wanted: Green Thumb

I went to the Home a De po today to work on landscaping. The house looks OK from the front, but the back yard is a little plain. I was overwhelmed to say the least. Did you know there are like 4,983 types of soil? I did not. There are also an equal number of fertilizers, plants, flowers, stepping stones, edging options and pots to put said plants in. I had to go home.

After eating lunch and thinking it through I went back. I purchased several pots of various shape and size, a bag of soil (the one the clerk suggested) and a handful of flowers (mostly purple since I like that color). I planted all the flowers and at least today they look lovely. How long do those things last? Oh well. There were a few other things purchased, but I didn't get to those little projects.

The dogs are not helping the yard situation. One or both of them keeps digging little holes. It looks like we have a groundhog or something. They also run through and and lay in the plants. At some point we'll have to contain them or block off the plants.

All in all I enjoyed the day. The sun was out, but it wasn't too hot. Peanut was at daycare so I didn't have to worry about him for the day. I can't say things are fabulous, but at least I had an OK day. Although, there is one thing that did try to spoil my day. There is a snake living in our yard. It was sunbathing in the front yard this morning and it was in the back yard later on. Ew. The neighbors boys have offered to catch it if I can spot it while they are home. That's the trick. Between school and work they aren't home much. Maybe I'll get lucky and they will catch my critter. Again. Ew.

My Smile is Upside Down

I'm tired. I seem to be constantly annoyed and/or angry. I feel slow, sluggish, heavy and foggy. I hate that I feel any of this because my husband and son are paying for it. Part of it is PMS and part of it is depression. The PMS will go away in a while, but I'm not sure what to do about the other.

I tried a therapist and she seemed good, but then she stood me up one day. That's not really something you want to do with someone that is depressed with self-esteem issues. My silly brain said something like "screw you, see how you like it if I never come back". Which is silly because it doesn't really hurt her if I don't come back. It only hurts me (and those around me).

Her logic was that I'm depressed because I am a very creative person with no creative outlet. She said I needed to tap into that to feel fulfilled. OK. I get that. I don't seem to have time. Sure I have some free time twice a week, but then there are usually things I want to do or get done. Creativity seems to take a back seat for the most part. Would that help with my marriage? Would that help deal with my son? I kind of don't think so. Maybe though. I'm in such a horrible place right now. I don't want to be, but I kind of don't give a crap either.

What would do me some good is a swift kick in the butt to get me on my way. You know, like one of those life coaches on tv where they go live in a house and they change their whole lives for the better. I need that, but I'm only free two days a week and I have no money to spend. Other than that, sign me up. Really.

I'd say I need a vacation, but it hasn't been all that long since I took one. I really don't know what I need at this point. A job? A hobby? A friend? A life? Yah. Probably a little of each.

One Week

So the house has been officially for sale for over a week. There have been no official showings, but a few people came to an open house yesterday. So far, this sucks. The house has stayed pretty clean and neat, but I'm disappointed we haven't sold it already. I know it's a lot to ask for, but why not?

Before we actually put it on the market I had dreams of it selling the first day. You always hear stories of "it was only on the market 3 days". Why can't that be us? So then it rained. For days upon days. No one seems to want to look at or buy a house in the rain. Last weekend were a lot of graduation days and next weekend is Mother's Day (Happy M Day to everyone!) after that is Memorial Weekend. Bah!! I hope this gets better. What if it never sells? Is it over-priced? Is it nice enough? Why is no one in love with it like I was six years ago?

On the flip side is the new house situation. I haven't looked to seriously, but I've gone to several open model homes and a few 'lived in' homes. There have not been any that I've fallen in love with. There are a few I like, but none I love. Maybe we should design our own house. Maybe we should try to find the land we want and build on that. I don't know. It's exciting and fun and stressful all in one minute.

In other news we went on a mini-vacation. We flew to Texas for a long weekend with family and it was very nice. Peanut did fantastic the whole time. Sure he cried a little during the landing of the first flight. I think it was more because we made him sit down in the seat than he was scared or anything. The flight back was pretty good too. Like I said, he was terrific.

House 4 Sale

Last night our house became officially for sale. The paperwork was signed and the sign went up in the yard. For some reason is doesn't appear to be on-line yet, but I hope that is fixed soon.

There are days I feel quite torn about this decision. On one hand I do want a different house and being close to family and friends will be nice. On the other hand, this is our first house. This is where we lived shortly after getting married. This is where we were when I got pregnant and had our first child. This is Peanut's only home. I feel sentimental towards this house. Plus we have quite awesome neighbors and we are sad to leave them.

The house could be for sale for a long time. I hope it sells soon because keeping it neat and clean with a 1 1/2 year old is not easy. Every where I look there seem to be more and more houses for sale. I hope we aren't too late and the market is getting flooded with houses. This is such a stressful adventure. At least the house is clean and neat. It looks pretty good. Why didn't we do all this 5 years ago? Seems dumb to wait until you sell your house to fix it up. We are vowing to not do that in the next one. I'm not sure everything will get fixed up the day we move in, but maybe we can keep it a little more organized.

So I hope to keep this updated as we go along our real estate journey. Please wish speedy sale thoughts to us.

I May Cause You to Cry.

So I started therapy. I have gone only once so far, but there are plans to go again. Because of previous counseling sessions I was a bit hesitant about going. Perhaps if you get the right person it can help you. I'm not sure, I've never gotten that far.

So I get there and she is running late. No one tells me this, not even the 'receptionist'. So I wait. About a half hour later I finally go in. She seems nice. So we sit down and start chatting. I first tell her I have a bit of a cold and it makes it more difficult for me to hear. I have a mild hearing problem anyway and any cold makes it 10 times worse. She looked like that was the craziest thing she had ever heard. AND. She didn't really help me any by talking louder. I must have had her repeat every other sentence.

At one point she looks at me at asks why I'm there. She tells me there doesn't seem to be any reason for me to be depressed. Then she looks at me and says "what do you think?" I think it's time to get the heck out of dodge, but I just sort of stare blankly at her.

So we talk some more. She asks what it was like growing up and I tell her. She asks for my earliest memory. I can't think of anything, but I blurt out a few things. (I remember now). She asks how old I was and I have no idea.

At this point I've painted a horrible picture of this woman. She wasn't that bad. She was trying to dig and find things, but there just isn't one incident that has caused this. It's a lifetime of random things that has shaped me like this.

I am not a person with a lot of joy or happiness. I enjoy doing things and I'm not crying all the time. I just do not get those moments of whoopee. She realized this at some point. It's a little hard to believe, because I can put on a happy face and pretend that things are great. Sure. Sure. Things are lovely. I spend some of my days crying because I have no idea what I'm doing home alone with an 18 month old. My relationship feels a little strained because our Love Bucket is running on empty. I worry about money in every way. Some days I wish lightning would strike and I'd know what it is I'm supposed to be doing. But hey, I can smile and say things are fine when you ask how I'm doing.

At the end she gave me two things to do. List moments I felt real joy and happiness and also list times I thought of things I would like to do. It's only been a day, but I'm having trouble coming up with anything to put on my list.

She believes I am depressed, but doesn't know why. It makes her terribly sad to think I've just been like this all my life. That I've just been floating in some river carrying me along never knowing or caring what's on the shore. She almost cried.

Vacation Part IV

We rode ATV's in Mazatlan and that was really fun. I found two huge sand dollars on the beach. One was even whole. I managed to get it all the way home unharmed. This area seemed really poor and was a bit shabby. We had fun anyway.

The last stop was Cabo San Lucas. This was where we went whale watching. That was awesome. It was a tiny little boat out in the huge ocean. We found two whales and followed them for quite a while. Husband got some good video of them.

Then it was time to head back to L.A.

Overall the trip was fun. It was nice to be away from Peanut for a bit and be an adult. The trouble is I always tend to feel less than thrilled when we spend time with our friends as a group. I don't know how to explain it. I guess I don't feel like I measure up. Like I'm not as good. Honestly I think I do a fantastic job staying home with Peanut. With the exception of two of them (one doesn't have kids) the others could handle it. They tried and were not able to make it. This makes me feel great. But! For the most part they have all done very well in their professional lives. I never really accomplished anything great. There are other reasons I won't get into now. Now that we are home, it's nice to be with Peanut again and not our friends, at least for a while.

Some members of the group are already planning another vacation. I need a while to be able to afford it. Mostly, I'm not ready to leave Peanut for that long again. That was difficult for me. The other moms missed their kids, but I'm the only one that hadn't been away from mine for longer than a day or two. Oh well. Go on a cruise. It's nice.

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The Love Bucket

How full is your love bucket?

The question was asked of me in terms of my relationship with Peanut. I would say it's very full. I think he knows how much I love him. We have a pretty healthy relationship. I'm constantly giving him my time and energy, praising him and loving him.

I got to thinking about the one I have with Husband. Sadly, I don't think it's all that full. I haven't put anything in in a long time.

What now?

It's time to do some thinking and maybe something more. Books? Therapy?

How full are your buckets? Do what you can to fill them.

Vacation Part III

So we reach Puerto Vallarta. We had booked a shore excursion on a Pirate Ship. As we were getting ready to leave we realized we lost our sunscreen. Turns out another couple had picked it up. Anyway, we left the ship early to buy some since we would be in the sun all day. Wanna guess what we had to pay? $18. Yes. $18 for a regular tube of banana boat sunscreen. Oh well. We would have fried otherwise.

The pirate adventure was OK. The boat was kind of neat and the pirate show was mildly amusing. It was nice to be somewhere other than on the ship. No other couples were with us so it was nice to be just the two of us as well. We got to the destination beach and it took a long time to get everyone off the boat. We parked way out in the water and little speedboats took us to shore. Once we got there is was nice. The beach area was small, but it was again nice to be on land. We weren't here long though. It seems like only an hour after we landed it was time to go. We were sort of bummed about that. I would have liked to have stayed a while longer. The ride back was uneventful but again a nice ride.

We finally docked and for a little bit considered walking around. Since town was 3 miles from port we didn't want to walk or take a cab ride. So we headed back to the ship. I felt so unclean. Our boat had a bathroom, but it didn't feel all that clean. I was happy to be back in our cabin and take a shower. Plus the lunch was ribs and chicken. Two things I usually do not eat. I tend to not eat things on a bone. So I was starving. After the shower we headed for the food. Everyone else was arriving around this time too. We met up at the pool/hot tub area. I felt like we had an OK day, but maybe we would have enjoyed something else equally well. Again I felt a little like I had missed out on something. The rest of the day was fun and dinner was again good. The next stop was Mazatlan.

70 and Snow

Yesterday it was 70. Today it is snowing. Gotta love the crazy Midwest. Don't like the weather? Wait ten minutes.

Ever feel like the Universe is trying to tell you something? There are times when it feels like it would be better to stop and rewind because somehow you know going forward isn't going to work.

For example, we went to dinner with some friends a few nights ago. I think it was Sunday. Anyway, we went to the restaurant around 6 so we could eat and get the kids home for a decent bedtime. When we walked in there were three (3) 20 somethings just standing there. They sort of ignored us, but worse yet they were ignoring each other. So after staring at them a bit we asked for a table. They all looked puzzled. Did I mention these were the greeters? Finally they said it would be about 15 minutes. OK. They took our name and handed us a buzzer. There was no one else waiting. So we sat. Twenty minutes later they sort of mumbled that a table was ready.

We looked at where they appeared to be setting up a table. It was a table for 4, but had two chairs and two high chairs. I guess two of us just weren't going to sit. They put the high chairs away and the girl took us to a back table. It was a booth with two tables pushed together with chairs on the other side. Really we could have sat almost 10 people there, but we managed. The waitress wasn't really all that friendly, but wasn't rude either. They messed up my drink order and the kids eventually got pretty cranky since it was very close to bedtime as we were still eating.

No one thing was wrong enough for us to leave, but all together it wasn't all that fun either. The food was OK (my burger was a little underdone for me) and we lived to tell the story. It just feels like maybe the Universe was trying to tell us to go somewhere else.

I guess it doesn't help that the couple we went with is one of the couples from the cruise. Neither of us were really ready to socialize with them again yet. After spending so much time with them we needed a break.

So anyway, does the Universe speak to you too? Do you feel like maybe you chose a wrong path and while you didn't suffer from it, it wasn't what you hoped or expected? I'd love to hear stories.

Vacation Part II

Saturday morning we get up and head to the gym. Husband and I have a pretty good workout. I thought to myself that this was a good start to continuing some sort of workout on the boat. You will find no mention of exercise in any parts of this saga. So that didn't carry on like I had hoped.

The group caught a bus to the boat and after a bit of confusion as to where to park we finally made it. We got our magic money cards (room key and you can charge anything to your room instead of carrying cash or another credit card) and got through all the other check points OK. Finally we were on the ship.

First thing we did was to find our room. We were next to couple #3. It was us, #3, #5, and #2. Couple 1 was a floor below us as they got a mini-suite. The next item was eating. When on a cruise food is available pretty much 24/7. For some reason we ate all the time. Even when we weren't really hungry. The food was pretty good though.

We were able to open the doors of our balconies so we could walk through to all the other balconies in our group. All of us were outside chatting for the most part. Couple #1 came up and all 5 couples were hanging out. The women were discussing spa treatments. Everyone wanted to get at least 1 thing done. I had gotten my hair cut/colored, a facial and a massage before we left. The cost of these on the ship were almost double what we pay here. I didn't want to spend that much money. At one point I made the comment that we probably weren't going to do any spa treatments. I see this was a mistake now. Anyway, I started to unpack and hang things up when I realized all 4 girls had gone to the spa. I felt very left out. Even though I wasn't going to sign up for anything, I would have liked to have been included. At this point I wasn't sure this had been a good idea. I worried that the whole trip would be like this. Everyone would go and find wonderful things to do and I would be left out. As I finished unpacking I finally let this go. I kept telling myself that I would have fun regardless of what everyone else did. This worked pretty well for me.

So we were on our way. The first few days were at sea so we explored the ship, sat in the hot tub, and played card and board games. Oh yeah, and we ate constantly. The meals at night were very good and you could get as many items as you wanted. We saw a comedian that was almost funny. I think his show was more adult and there were kids in the audience so he might have held back a little. We also saw a hypnotist. He was very entertaining.

At times we could see the coastline of Mexico on our way. The first stop was Puerto Vallarta and that was the most southern stop we made. I'll pick up with that next.

Vacation Part I

Our first vacation since before getting pregnant. Woo hoo. We went on a cruise to Mexico. I was so excited to go on this vacation, but didn't want to say too much out loud. What if something happened. A few days before leaving Peanut got several red bumps on his body. Turned out to be nothing, but my fear was chicken pox. Ugh. Peanut went to stay with his aunt and had a good time as I knew he would.

We started off on Friday morning. First we took the dogs to the vet for boarding, then to the bank and Target. Then we stopped at Burger King for breakfast before heading to the airport. We parked and rode the little shuttle to the airport where we met two other couples that were going with us. Did you know there is a weight limit on baggage? We did not know this until bag number 3 weighed 5 lbs. over. You can pay $25 or switch some stuff to another bag. So I moved a couple shoes and a pair of jeans to a different suitcase. The bags passed and we were on our way. The flight was OK. For some reason the plane got jumpy right when I had to use the bathroom. I got in there and we hit some turbulence. Of course it was gone after I was done and on my way to my seat.

We took a bus from the airport to the hotel. It was a nice hotel and we had a good view of the pool area. We met our friends in the lobby and headed to the hotel restaurant for lunch. L.A. is different. The menu said "club sandwich with a twist". I thought maybe it had sushi or something on it, but the server said it was long way like a sub instead of cut into squares like normal. OK. It was cut into 4 sections and then stacked up and held together with a very long toothpick. It was still a club sandwich. Not sure really what the twist was supposed to be.

We all took the bus to Santa Monica that night. We walked along the pier and through the promenade. There were 4 couples total all walking around. Couple 1 (KH) was hungry since they got in later than us and didn't eat at the hotel. So we found a bar and grill type place and they ate, while the rest of us had drinks. Then we walked more. Couple 2 (JA) left to visit a cousin. Later couple 3 (RK) was hungry so we stopped for sushi. They ate and the rest of us had more to drink. Then we caught the bus back to the hotel and we (couple 4) were hungry again. We went to the sports bar in the hotel and had desert, while the rest had more drinks. It was like a 4 course meal spread out over 4 restaurants. It was fun. Then off to bed.

More later.

It's Just Not Right

In the last several weeks I've seen it happen too many times. Parents that yell from the sidelines instead of getting close and helping their children. Or they yell at the slightly older sibling to take care of the younger one. I'll give you an example.

We were at the beach in Puerto Vallarta. The area we were at had a short beach so playing meant either being in the sand or fairly deep water. There were two little girls holding hands and playing. One looked to be 2 and the other maybe 4. I am terrible at guessing ages, but the younger one didn't talk much, but could walk well. So they are playing and they get kind of close to the water and go in a bit. The father yells from about 20 feet away for them to get back to the sand. He's not moving toward them, he's just yelling. So finally, he walks over to them and starts yelling at the older girl that she has to watch out for the younger one. He tells her that she can't swim and the tide would just take her away and she would be gone. She was 4. This man expected a 4 yr old to care for a smaller child. I don't trust adults to care for my 16 month old how can he put that on a 4 yr old's shoulders. I was disgusted.

Later on we were walking in the area of the girls playing and they got in pretty far. The mom was nearby with a drink in her hand not really paying attention. The dad started yelling again from the shore. My husband ran over and grabbed one of them and pulled them back to shore. The mom finally decided her child was worth saving and grabbed the other one. Of course the dad started yelling about how they shouldn't be in the water. WTF? Husband and I agreed that the kids were probably not in any danger as they were not in too deep, but he said the kid he grabbed looked pretty scared just the same.

If your child was almost swept away by the tide, wouldn't you go sprinting after them? Well, most of us would be close to them in the first place, but still go with me here. So after you got them, wouldn't you hold them close and be happy to have them in your arms? Wouldn't your first thought be 'thank you'? Wouldn't you then tell them that they scared mommy and daddy and they need to stay in the safe area?

I've seen lots more just like this. Absent parenting. You don't have to be paranoid, but at least try to participate.

Babble Baby, Babble.

Peanut babbles. He will not stop. I understand every 100th word or so, but it's all just sound to me. There must be stories and questions and general narration, but it's all lost on me.

He's starting to talk though. Once in a while he will repeat one of the last words you say.

Me: "Get your shoes".
Peanut: "oooooooes".

We have two sign language videos and we were watching the second one the other night. He repeated almost all the words. He did the signs a little too, but mostly just said the word.

One of my favorites now is 'baby'. He learned the 'eee' sound not long ago and instead of ba ba or ma ma, he can now say baby and mommy. It's music to my ears. He has this little voice. Sometimes I expect to hear a man voice since he is so big, but this little toddler boy voice comes out and it's too cute.

Sometimes I really hate that he is growing up, but mostly I think it's awesome to watch him grow and learn. He does so much for himself now. He can walk and communicate a little. He knows things. He isn't just a blob on the rug anymore (though that stage was wonderful and I have very fond memories of it).

Words he seems to know.
Car, dog, baby, Mommy, ma ma, da da, daddy, pa-pop (grandpa), nana/banana, oat (coat), ooes (shoes), ee (teeth), and t (tv). That's all I can think of, but he'll repeat other things. These seem to be more regular though.

She Kicked My Bum and I Paid Her

I signed up with a personal trainer. Yah, yah yah. I used to be one. So what? I have no motivation anymore. So to help me on my quest to a more healthy me I've hired help. Since we belong to the local YMCA I got one there. It seems expensive, but per session it's pretty cheap compared to other places in town. The whole process of signing up sort of rubbed me the wrong way. This was all a couple weeks ago.

The Y was having a sale on personal training. If you signed up by a certain date you got 10% off. So I figure that's a good time to do it. I called on a Friday (1/26) and the girl was helpful and got me signed up and paid for. She takes the information (what time I want, male/female) and then sends that to the personal trainer director. Then the director is supposed to match me with a trainer and the trainer calls me to set up the appointment. Clear? Fabulous. Normally, this process takes 1-2 days at most.

So I waited. By Tuesday (1/30) I was starting to wonder. So I called and was told the director was on vacation. OK. Who is covering her job? No one. Apparently, she is the only person that does her job. I left a voice mail for her hoping someone might call me back. The next day (1/31) a very inept guy called me and asked me what time I wanted and did I prefer a male or female trainer. I gave my info. again. He said he would find someone and they would call me soon. He also said he would call me on Friday to follow up.

Friday (2/2) comes along and no one has called. Not even the inept guy. I'm starting to think this whole process is some sort of sham. Finally on Saturday (2/3) afternoon inept guy calls me and leaves a message. I tried to call back and got nothing. Apparently he disappeared 5 minutes after calling me.

So now it's been over a week. The director girl is supposed to be back from vacation and I am still in my funk. So on about Tuesday (2/6) she leaves me a voice mail. "Just wanted to make sure a trainer called and you're doing fine". Uhhhm. No. So I call back and finally reach her. She takes my information (AGAIN!) and says she'll have some one call me. I'm not really believing her, but what have I got to lose. Certainly not any flab. I mean at this point I kind of doubt I'll ever see a trainer. Well. Low and behold a trainer calls me the next day (2/7). She sounds nice, but isn't all that excited about the time I wanted. So we make an appointment for 1:00 Tuesday (2/20), two days after we get back from our vacation.

Originally I wanted the appointments to be on Tuesday and Thursday because those are days Peanut is not at daycare. This would be good because he can go to the nursery there and get a different play time, plus it leaves my daycare days free.

Anyway, I pushed the appt. back an hour due to Peanut napping. She can't do anything later than a 2:00 appt. and that seemed pretty close to the end of nap time. I didn't want to have to wake him up to go to the Y. Really I wanted a 3:00 appt. She couldn't do that. So we moved it to Mon. & Wed. at 10. So now on every day off I go to the Y. It's OK, but it also kind of irks me. When I told everyone my schedule I asked for late afternoon in the 2-4 time frame. Now I don't have that. If I was more pushy I would have just asked for a new trainer. I felt sort of stuck with her so I tried to just make it work. Now I kind of wish I would have spoken up. Do I call and try to change? I've had one session and like her OK, but the time just doesn't jive well for me.

Anyway, I finally went to the Y yesterday and met the trainer "J". She is nice, but a little older than I expected. She kicked my butt though. Lunges, squats, thighs, hamstrings, butt and so much more. Every inch of me hurts today. I can barely walk.

Oh The Weather Outside is Frightful

So a week or two ago the Midwest was blasted with ice and snow. My mother (lord help me) lives in an area that got mostly ice with a little snow. She called me on Sunday afternoon and said she was bored. Her power had gone out sometime Saturday evening. She was cold, hungry, bored and lonely. The plan was to barricade herself in her bedroom until the power came back on. For breakfast she had dry cereal (she has this everyday so no big deal), but no eggs or bacon or toast. For lunch she dined on Peanut Butter and Crackers. Dinner was some sort of thawed lunch meat. Yum. Yum.

I told her to get out and go somewhere. The power wasn't expected to be fixed for days as most of the town was without power. My sister lives in the same town and I suggested she go there. Long story short she lost power that night. So now my mom and sister are without power. A friend of my mother's, S. offered to go get my mom and let her stay at her house. S had no power either, but had a wood stove and frequently cooked on it. She also had lanterns and other stuff to make no power a little more cozy. Mom didn't want to go. She didn't want to be stuck out there. I told her to go. Better off stuck somewhere you can eat warm food, sit next to a fire and have a friend to chat with. She still didn't want to go.

I suggested a hotel, but she is so cheap she would never pay the money. At this point I felt like I was talking to a child. Finally I reminded her that this is the type of weather people die in when they try to "wait it out". I did not want my mother to be the one to die because she was too cheap and stubborn to go somewhere or accept help.

Finally, she and my sister went to stay with S. She ended up giving them a truck load of wood and they hid out at my sisters house sitting near the fireplace. At least they were able to make some food over the fire too. Am I the only one that would have just gone to the local Holiday Inn to live in comfort? They were without power for nine (9) days. They were going to 'wait it out' for nine days. I almost lost my mom and sister to stupidity.

P.S. Z is for Zamboni. Everyone needs one of these.

Sucker

So I bit the bullet and went to Sephora. As I walked through the door a mechanical arm flew at me and stamped the word 'sucker' on my forehead. I'm mostly a cosmetics virgin. Yah, I've tried tons of stuff, but I really don't know this from that. The sales people knew this the instant I walked through the door.

The girl was nice and asked what I was looking for. I thought I should start easy and asked for foundation. I told her of my skin condition and she led me to something called Lorac. Anyway, it's sort of a creamy liquid so this would work for my dry skin. She dabbed a few different shades on me and proclaimed me to be Light. Being the savvy shopper I am I asked for another option. I don't remember the second one, but it was $10 more so I sort of eliminated it based on that. I put my creamy foundation in the giant basket, thanked my sales lady and began browsing.

What is all the rest of the stuff? There were perfumes, creams, lotions, sprays, make up and soaps. That was just in the first isle. I quickly felt out of my league. I shop at Target. I buy CoverGirl. I spend $6 so that when it's the wrong stuff I haven't spent the same amount of money as new sneakers.

Here is the ironic part. I bought the Lorac foundation. I can't get it out of the jar. It is SO creamy that it doesn't pour. The bottle is glass so it doesn't squeeze. So my mondo expensive foundation is stuck in a little bottle. I went back to Target and spent $6 on some whipped foundation by CoverGirl and I love it. The jar is large so you can get the stuff out and it blends really well. The coverage is good. The only downside is the smell. It's awful.

I think I'll stick to not knowing about that other stuff. I may be missing out on something, but my wallet can't handle the testing phase. I'll go broke

Maybe Not.

Maybe it's because I'm more hormonal right now. Maybe it's because of my medicine. Maybe it's because Peanut has entered the realm of the temper tantrum. Maybe it's because I'll be 32 this year and still have no idea what I want out of life. I have always been something other than me. When I was young I did what I was supposed to do, not what I wanted. In college I did what got me out of there, not really what I wanted. Now I do what has to be done, not what I want. Truthfully, I don't know what I want.

I have a great husband and a great kid. We live in a nice house with nice stuff. We have nice friends and family and all that stuff. Then why am I not happy? Why do I feel less than alive? Why do I feel like there is some alternate life out there for me? Is there?

Anyway, Peanut and I went to Borders today. Husband wanted me to get a Zamboni book for Peanut. We went and walked around a lot. I finally got Peanut to go to the kids department. I found the book and a few others. Then it was time to check out. We made it to the check stand and there were a handful of people in line. This is where it all went wrong. Peanut did not want to be held and voiced his opinion about it. Loudly. I couldn't let him go and could not get him to quiet down. I ended up putting the books down and walking out with him. I was so angry. He stopped screaming as soon as we reached the car. We went home anyway. I know in a few years this will be a good punishment for him. Right now he doesn't care. He has no idea what he missed out on. I do though. I was sad and angry. Why couldn't we just buy a book? Anyway, this whole incident got me thinking today.

It's Been a While

So much to say and yet nothing worthy of writing. We survived the Holidays. Peanut has a cold (again) and life goes on.

I feel blah. This is sort of becoming a blahg instead of a blog. Anyway, I'm not sure what to do about it. The babysitter we had is starting a new semester at school and has no time for us. This might be a problem. I've come to rely on the breaks and time to myself. Spending every moment with Peanut is a joy, but also kind of overwhelming. I have done it and will do it, but it still worries me a little. You see, when I don't get enough sleep it's very hard for me to be patient. Little things blow up to big things and then I feel stupid for not handling a little thing with ease. If I'm well rested the days go pretty smooth. Here is the bump. I'm not sleeping well. I'm not tired at night and I wake up a lot during the night.

The bad taste in my mouth is gone. I stopped a pill and that fixed it. I kind of wanted to keep taking it, but it wasn't a big deal to stop. I may try to find a different one that doesn't make me ill. The other pill got switched a bit too. It was twice a day and now it's once a day, but it's the same dosage. So far I like it much better. No daily headache or nausea. I still don't sleep well though.

Be of Good Cheer. If You Can.

Right. Something is making me ill. For the past several days I have had a metallic taste in my mouth. It can be covered by some food, but not all. Water seems to magnify it, while life savors cover it nicely. Anyway, this is leading to constant snacking to keep my mouth happy. I'm also feeling nauseous. This could be because of the yucky taste or totally separate. Either way, large parts of my day are spent eating and/or resting. No. I'm not pregnant in case anyone was curious.

So let's head for the holidays. Tonight we will have our Christmas with Peanut and Husband. Tomorrow we head to Missouri. Sunday we have Christmas with my family (say a little prayer we survive) and then leave Monday to go to Husbands Uncle's house to have a lunch with Husbands family. At some point we will go to my Father-In-Law's house and stay there a while. I think we'll spend some (a lot of ?) time visiting friends in that area. We have to be home by Saturday as we are having yet another Christmas with our friends. Then Sunday is when we are celebrating my nephews birthday. His birthday is actually the 28th, but no one will be around then so they moved it to New Year's Day. Splendid.

So Merry Christmas to all and be safe in your travels. May the New Year be prosperous and kind to you all.

Secret Spot

While I was away this weekend I bought husband a Christmas gift. When I got home I put it in a 'secret' spot to hide until I could wrap it later. Husband also bought me gifts while I was away. As I was unpacking, husband realized he left a bag from one of the stores in the living room. I hadn't really noticed it and only saw it was a pink bag. He had me close my eyes while he rushed to hide the bag.

So the next day I was wrapping gifts and went to get his present from its hiding spot. It was in a big box in the basement. I opened the box and there on top was the bag from VS that husband tried to hide. Directly under the bag was his gift still in it's bag. The funny thing is that he was in such a hurry to hide the bag he didn't look in the box, he just shoved it in. So now I know where one of my gifts came from, but I don't know what it is. And he only know where I hid his gift. Guess we'll have to find new hiding spots.

Random

What's a girl got to do to stop breaking out? I know it's because of stress mostly, but I'm not 13 anymore. What is up with this? I wash may face, I give it lotion and I make it pretty once in a while. What more does it want? Help!

I do not look as good in black & silver outfits as I do the tan & browns. Today I did grey sweater, jeans, tennis shoes that happen to match the purple in the sweater and it just wasn't rocking for me. Granted the jeans are a bit old, but they fit so they got picked. I did my makeup with pink and grey and no love there either. I guess it's true that you have colors that flatter and the brown family is it for me. I really like this sweater though. Don't get me wrong, I look nice, but not wow you know? I believe that clothes can make you feel certain ways and today I'm saying "I look nice, but a little off."

What kind of make up am I supposed to wear? Let's start with foundation. Liquid, powder, lotion or what? Nothing seems to give me the 'flawless' appearance that Cover Girl talks about. This sort of relates to the skin problems (see paragraph 1) so maybe if that was fixed then the make up wouldn't matter. I'm thinking of going to Sephora and throwing myself at the mercy of the clerks there. My fear is I'll either look like Tammy F. Baker or Death. I can be a bit on the pale side so I need a hint of color, but too much and I look like I'm playing in mothers makeup. Again. Help!

I need jeans. I HATE shopping for jeans. You must try them on because a size x in one brand is not a size x in another. I also hate paying $50 for jeans. Can't they make denim for like $25? Maybe I'm cheap, but it's just jeans. Any suggestions as to store, style, brand, make, model and gas mileage. Wait, not that last part, unless you know something I don't.

Spending money on myself is a problem too. I just don't do it. Sure I buy a book or magazine once in a while, but I don't just buy outfits. Price tends to be the biggest factor. I can find a pair of pants I like for $70. What happens when Peanut barfs on it? Uhhh, can you say stain? Dry clean or whatever, some things just don't come out.

I need something done to my hair. The color is ok, but the style is a little tired. It's just all one length and straight. I pull it into a pony tail and then it looks blah, boring. I don't want to cut it, but maybe some bangs. I don't know. To fix it it really needs to be washed, dried straight and then have the ends curled a bit. That looks great, but takes like an hour. Are there any products I should try? Once again (say it with me now). Help!

ZZZzzzzzz

I'm tired. Went to the doctor. Got new medication. One side effect is insomnia. Great. I haven't slept through the night in three days. Almost feels like I have a newborn again except milk doesn't squirt out of me anymore.

On the up side some things are getting better. I'm just having a little trouble enjoying them while being sleepy. We'll see how things progress.

In other news I am thankful that we are fortunate enough to have a regular babysitter. It's a lot of money if you just sit and think about it (I don't!) but my sanity is worth it. Peanut is/was sick and me being sleepy I need the breaks from him. While he doesn't feel good though he does like to snuggle.

Not much else to report right now. Computer is having issues so you never know when it will up and reboot on you. Save. Save. Save.

I'll try to be more amusing next time.

Klutz

Peanut is walking now. Actually, he has been walking for a while now and has gotten pretty good at it. Our friends K and H have a boy as well and he began walking a couple months before Peanut. He would fall and crash into things all the time. Every time we saw him he had bruises on his head or a cut lip. Peanut didn't crash. Sure he lands on his bottom a lot and the house sort of shudders in response, but no bruising.

Then this weekend happened. Apparently, while I was out Peanut crashed into the tub. There was a toy or cup or something in there he wanted and just fell in head first. He must have bit his lips because there are cuts on top and bottom lips. Daddy cleaned him up and soothed away his tears. When I can home the first thing I noticed was that Peanut had on a different shirt. I asked Husband about it and he said there was an accident. I imagined a poopie diaper, but it was the crash.

Then the next day as I was watching him while Husband was out we were again in the bathroom. He started to head to the tub and I ran over to him to head off another fall into the tub. I got there and we started to walk away only to fall over between the toilet and tub. He now has a tiny bruise on his head. He also crashed into a doorway, but that wasn't quite as exciting. Just a few tears and he was ok and on his way.

The kid is wild about moving around. He just does not sit still much. That's ok with me except it makes me much more tired. At least I get my exercise chasing after him.

There is a Monster in my House

Why is it that I have fabulous ideas for posts and then when I sit down to write them I can't remember anything? Since the good stuff has been forgotten I'll tell you a story of the worst encounter I had in our basement bathroom.

I was pretty pregnant at the time, but can't remember the exact date. Maybe somewhere in month 8 I guess. Husband and I were in our television room in the basement watching TV or a movie and eating something. I spilled it on my shirt. Now usually I would have let it sit too long and become a permanent stain, but this time I went to wash it off. I think I liked the shirt so I wanted to keep it stain free. Anyway, I went into the bathroom and ran a washcloth under the sink. Then I started to rub away the stain. When I looked back into the sink there was the absolute biggest spider I've ever seen. I let out a scream and my toes curled under (a sign of true fear for me). Husband came running thinking it was something to do with the baby. As I was running away from it I mumbled something like "a spider, a spider, a spider go kill it."

Husband did not kill it right away. He took pictures and sort of captured it under a towel or cup for a while. It was huge. This wasn't a spider you could just step on and be done with it. He had to plan out how to kill and dispose of it. You had to poison this thing, get a crane to lift it out and dig a giant grave for it. Blech! It still creeps me out to think of it. I'm not that crazy about any bugs, but having a giant spider in my house really sent me over the top. I wanted to move.

To Give is Better than...

On one hand I really like this time of year. Things look so beautiful with lights and greenery. I love just sitting and watching the tree lights twinkle. Wrapping gifts is my absolute favorite. I need to find a job where all I do is wrap gifts for money. That would be awesome.

On the other hand I don't care too much for having to find gifts for people I can't think of something for. It feels so fake to buy them something just so I can wrap it and hand it to them. Unless there is some emotion or meaning behind it, it feels fake. I'm trying this year to really think of the person and try to come up with something that fits them.

At Target today I managed to grab a few gifts. Mostly toys for the kids, but one or two adults are taken care of. I'm heading to the Mall tomorrow for some more shopping time. I'd like to have it all done in the next week. The stores all get SO crazy this time of year and it only gets worse as Christmas gets nearer.

My biggest trouble this year is what to get the husband. There are several things he would like, but most of the things I think of are pretty expensive and we're on a budget with only one income. Anyone have any suggestions? Again, the trouble is I want it to fit him. I don't want to give something just for the sake of handing him something. When he opens it I want him to be delighted to have gotten it from me. Maybe I should check Ebay. Because you know you can get it on Ebay.

Sugar and Spice, Snips and Snails

So much for posting every day. Doesn't feel like I've been gone that long though.

My sister and her husband went on a much needed vacation sans kids. Guess who watched them. Yup. From Wednesday to Sunday we adopted a 6 year old girl and a 5 year old boy. It's wasn't too bad. Aside from two gymnastic practices, a playdate, going out to eat, to the mall, putt putt golfing, and the park we weren't that busy. Yeah right. I was totally wiped out by Sunday night. When the parents came it was Heaven on Earth for me.

Something occurred to me though. I liked being a mom. I liked driving the van and taking the kids to gymnastics (the girl and the boy). I liked it. It felt right to me. This means that once Peanut is truly walking and talking I'll probably like this parenting thing a little more. I love him now and things are going pretty well, but it was so nice that the kids could talk and do things for themselves. In another few years that part of it will be easier. I know that with the joy of talking comes the joy of yelling as well.

Another thing that hit me was how much I want to have a little girl. I'm blessed and so happy to have Peanut, but I'd like a little girl too. The frills and ribbons and cute dresses are like candy to a 6 yr old to me. I want to comb hair and braid it and curl it and make her all cutesy. I may end up with another boy the next time around and that would be ok. My heart would love another child regardless of sex. But honestly I'd like it to be a girl.

Oprah's On Rerun. Did You See It?

More teeth. At least I know the reason for the crankies. Peanut has been like a switch. Happy and 'on' one minute and a cranky 'off' beast the next.

I watched Oprah tonight. Her Dr. friend was on. I guess he has a new book out and was telling all about the 'new' diet. Anyway, at one point he was talking about a woman or a man at a certain age and weight being at as much health risk as having cancer. In other words if you had cancer wouldn't you fight it? Why not fight the bulge? This sort of turned a light on for me. I know eating right and exercising is the way to go, but I don't really do it. To put myself at the same risk as cancer and not do something about it is amazing. I'll still have a candy bar tomorrow. I'll still have a Pepsi at lunch. This does not stir me enough to not do it. Ahhh, but it got me thinking. Maybe it's a start. Who knows?

In other news...What do you buy for a four year olds birthday party? What do you buy if there are three of them? Toys? Clothes? I just don't know.

Fathers Day in November. Give Thanks.

I'm taking life one day at a time lately. It's been a struggle for me. On Monday the babysitter came and I spent a portion of the time sitting on the floor in my room. I just didn't know what to do and didn't feel like finding anything. Eventually, I got moving and took a shower and got ready for family pictures. I felt like that again today, but tried to just keep moving. As long as I was moving I was ok. When I stopped moving though, I just zoned out.

My dad came for a visit. Tonight I realized I don't know much about my dad anymore. I only see him a few times a year and only for a couple of hours. A lot of information about his life doesn't make it my way. I don't want to be so far out of touch.

When I was younger my dad was always the answer to everything. He could fix things and find things and make everything better. He would listen and try to help me to help myself. A lot of times he helped me figure out problems that had been bothering me. Now, I don't even know where he is half the time. He calls me the day before he stops by. He usually stays for one a few hours before rushing off to the next visiting stop. Tonight he came and spent the night. We got to go to dinner and talk a little more than usual.

My dad is still the same, but way different. I realized tonight I want him to live to be 1000. Only seeing him once in a while it will take me that long to learn about who he is now. I hope I can be the kind of parent he was to me to Peanut. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Yes. It would. Peanut would be so lucky.

I love you dad.

Monday Morning Update

The boy has learned a few sign language signs. He doesn't always use them correctly, but he's so cute when he does them. He knows eat and will use this 24 hours a day. He doesn't really know to use it when he is hungry. He just uses it all the time. He was doing 'out' for a while, but has sort of stopped doing it and replaced it with some new sign. He puts both arms out to the side with the palms up and sort of shrugs his shoulders. It looks more like "I don't know" than "I want out". He will also do 'more' on occasion. Mostly he claps, but usually means give me more of that.

He doesn't seem to be crazy about walking. He'll do it, but would rather just crawl. I think maybe he is teething again and that's taking most of his brain power. I'm confident he will walk when he wants to.

We have a new regular babysitter. She comes three days a week for three hours. So it's kind of like having one day off only spread out over three days. It gives me a few hours to clean or run errands. The house is staying a little cleaner and I get a nice little mommy break. Peanut really likes her so he likes to play when she comes. So far it's working out for all of us.

Another family birthday party this weekend. The fun just never stops. This is for my sisters kids. Not sure what to get them. At least the party is closer. Instead of being in Columbia it will be closer to KC. That's nice. That way we can stay at our own house and just go for the party. We can leave anytime we want. Hopefully no one is sick this time.

I'm still tired. I guess I need to do some of the things the Dr. suggested. That would require me getting off my duff and doing something though. Not sure how likely that is. Anyone got a dose of get up and go I can have? Blah.

Oh, The Drama

So. The call was made, the doctor was seen, symptoms were spoken, suggestions were offered, blood was drawn, medication was prescribed and follow ups were scheduled. I'm not better, but it seems I've just landed on the Wicked Witch and found the Yellow Brick Road. In other words, I've taken the first step towards feeling better. I could use some of that now.

Peanut is scheduled to have his 'friend' birthday party tomorrow. It may not happen. Husband got sick last night around 3 am and hasn't felt better yet. I really don't want to cancel the party, but there is a lot to do and I don't want to do it by myself. Most important I want husband to be well and for us all to have fun. Unless he is cured overnight I don't see that happening.

I had a mini breakdown last night. We went to have Peanuts 1 year photos taken as well as a family photo. Now the place I've been going has taken great pictures, but the customer service is far below par. I made the appt. for 5:40 pm. Peanut had a doctor appt. earlier and husband just took the rest of the day off. So I called the picture place about an hour before the appt. and they were "on schedule". So when we get there ten minutes before our appt. I asked again and was told they were "a little behind, but we'll have you in on time". Thirty minutes pass. Thirty. 30. I am mad. They are so disorganized I want to start ringing customers up myself just to get things moving. They stand around and then act surprised that it's busy. We walked out. It was dinner time and I thought Peanut would be hungry and we were all hungry so we walked out. Then I cried.

I've been wanting to have this done for many, many months. I agonized for two days over what we should wear so we all match. I even went shopping the morning of the pictures to get better matching clothes. I showered, dried and curled my hair. The day was busy with trying to plan the birthday party, get new clothes, go to the doctor and then to the mall. The disappointment I felt ran so deep. Why oh why was it so difficult to get a picture taken? Why can't they just be honest and say it will be an hour wait? Why do I put up with it?

The food court was on the opposite end of the mall and once we left we headed that way. I was mad. I wanted nothing more than to knock over all their tidy little displays. I wanted to scream and make them suffer in some way so they knew they had done something wrong. That's what got me, they don't and won't ever care about losing one person. Heck, I lightened their load. It only mattered to me and I was suffering.

I lost my appetite. I wanted to go home. I threw down my bags and started to cry. Husband told me to calm down. Let’s go eat, he said. I didn’t want to be calm. I didn’t want to eat. I wanted to scream and shout and have things feel less awful. I wanted to be comforted and told we’d get it fixed and they were (insert bad words here) for being so mean to me. It felt like a really big deal to me and only me. I wanted to know it mattered to him too. Logically, I know we can go somewhere else and get a picture taken, but that’s where I had gone every month since Peanut was born. That’s the package I’m used to and wanted. That’s what I expected and when it didn’t happen I could not cope. Husband could only tell me to eat. I was livid. I did not want to eat. I just wanted to go home so I could cry somewhere other than at the Mall.

Now we have to pick a new place, find a day we can go, get showered and fixed up, get on the matching clothes and hope it all goes ok. Any suggestions for a good photo place?

If you suggest the place with initials and change in the name I think I’ll scream.

Mommy, I'm Sick.

My baby is sick.

Over the weekend we were at my sisters house for the family birthday party. On Saturday night two of her children were sick. Vomit sick. Then in the morning a third child was sick. I kept Peanut as far away from them as possible. I kept myself away too. You know, because we catch stuff so easy. Anyway, I thought we had come away unscathed. I guess not.

We also forgot the baby monitor. So until tonight we were trying to do without until the weekend when we can get it back. Screw that. Husband is out at Wally World right now buying a baby monitor, more sheets, mattress pads, and various medicines that probably won’t help any.

I cannot begin to tell you what it does to me (and probably Husband) to see my little boy sick. He was tired and covered in yuck and so helpless. We cleaned him and changed him and the bed and he seems to be going to sleep now, but I’ve got my ears glued to his room in case he needs me.

Oh yeah, Happy Birthday Peanut 10-17-05. What a great way to ring in your 1 year birthday.

More on the birthday festivities later.

Down. More Down. Less Down. Down.

Lately my mood has really been up and down. At times things are going fine and all is well, the next I feel so lost. For the past several days (weeks?) I've been tired, but not always sleepy tired, more of a lazy tired. I don't want to do anything. When I try to think about issues I feel fuzzy. I can't make my brain think through a problem and figure it out. I just start coming apart and feeling grumpy.

Last weekend I got a massage (thanks husband!) and asked the gal if she had any ideas for me. She isn't a doctor, but she is a woman, mom and in the health and wellness field. She suggested a daily vitamin and some vitamin rich juice drinks. I may try them. I have also considered going to the doctor to see if I have any sort of immune problem that's keeping me so lifeless. This option scares me a little. It's possible it's something more like SAD or depression and I'm not ready to admit that yet. I'll tell you a secret though, I did take some medication for depression almost two years ago. Perhaps I need a re-fill?

I have an amazing child and can't seem to enjoy him. I see how cute and wonderful he is, but can't make myself teach him and interact with him as much as I should. I play with him and watch him all the time - he is not neglected. I just feel like I should be doing more. This part makes me the most sad. What if he gets behind in any type of skill because mommy didn't make the effort to teach him something? That brings tears to my eyes.

I guess it's time to do something, anything to make me feel better. So what if that means drugs or something else? Isn't it in the best interest of Peanut for me to find something to get me going? With winter coming it will only get worse. I guess I'll go make a call. Wish me luck.

Mad. Not Going To Take It.

So Peanut was born on a Monday in October. His cousin was born the Friday before. The boys are less than three days apart. They will always have their birthdays right next to each other. There is also a large craft fair that all my sisters usually go to each year. They have been going to this thing for over 10 years. So it's sort of tradition. Anyway, this all happens in a span of one week. So I talked to several family members trying to come up with the best way to have a first birthday party for my son. I didn't want to randomly pick a weekend and force the family to choose between Peanut and Cousin. That didn't seem fair. So I worked it out where we will have a family birthday party for both boys on Saturday at Cousins house. The next Saturday Peanut will have his own party here at home with all his 'friends'. Really our friends that have kids, but still. The friend party is during the craft fair, but I'll just skip it and the family can go.

I called my sister to make a plan and she said "you plan whatever you want since this is your first child’s first birthday." Cousin is her fifth child. So I made the aforementioned plan, sent out invitations, bought plates and other cute birthday party stuff. The party is in nine days. Three days ago a different sister called to see if I would move the party. She wants her daughter (age 6) to go to a cheerleading class from 10 – 2. The party is scheduled for noon. I said no. I didn’t want to have the party at dinner time and then try to put my kid to bed. She scheduled the class anyway and decided she would miss the party and just come late. Today, Cousins mom called to ask if we could move the party. Her husband has some to-do and won’t be home until 5. I said no. My father-in-law probably will only come if it is in the daytime, not evening. She said ok.

As a side story, I wanted to tell Cousins mom that his father has missed half his life and could care less to be there during the party. Does his father even know when his birthday is? You see he travels to the Middle East a lot for work and is gone for up to a couple months at a time. He left my sister at home (with 5 kids,) when Cousin was only about 6 WEEKS old. You can leave a 6 week old, but all the sudden you care if you get cake at noon or a little later? Please.

So I talked to Husband and he suggested we have lunch or something with his father and then go to the party in the evening. That’s all well and good, but I’m so mad that I worked to make sure my one and only son would have a nice party all of his family could attend. Now everyone wants me to change it. It's not fair that husbands family is getting screwed. It's his fathers only grandchild. Don't you think maybe that's a big deal to him? Now he gets to attend a quick lunch instead of a party. I hope he can come to the friend party so he can spend some special time with Peanut. I’m mad. So mad, that I don’t even want to go now. I want to just have his party here and tough love to those that can’t make it. My family sucks the fun out of everything. Next year I’m picking a weekend and whoever can come is welcome. I’m done trying to please everyone.

I’m still mad my sister had a baby so close to us. I feel like Peanut will always be sold short. Will he get the same attention on his birthday at a joint celebration that he would have gotten alone? Is it wrong of me to want that for him? He probably won’t get as many or as nice of gifts, because everyone will have had to buy two instead of just one. Is that wrong too? I’m going to make certain that he knows how important and special he is.

Mr. Sandman

I'm tired. Not just a little, but wiped out. I took Peanut to the Mall today to pick up his pictures and we strolled around for a while. I got to the other end and wondered how I would make it back. My body felt like I'd been running for hours and my mind felt fuzzy. Too tired. When we got home I flopped onto the floor with a pillow and Peanut played a little. I wonder if I'm still sick or lacking in something. I haven't really been all that active, but just walking around the block wears me out.

The timing of this is not good. There are several things around the house that need done. I feel too tired during the day and after husband gets home I just can't seem to move. We're looking for a new babysitter. Did I mention we lost ours? She found a better job. In all honesty I'm happy for her, just a little sad for me. So I want someone to watch Peanut for a few hours each week so I can get some things done and maybe even relax a little. I'm just worn out and having a hard time recovering from that.

I was doing well with the exercise program until I got sick. Now the tired has hit me. I'd like to get back to it, but I can't right now. Blah.

Peanut will be 1 year old in 13 days. Oh my gosh! I can't believe it.

First Blood

We had a garage sale this weekend. Peanut did really well since we didn't have a babysitter. He mostly crawled around the garage and driveway playing with all the junk for sale. By day three he had holes in his socks and a terrible scrape on his big toe. It was all dirty and yucky so we gave him a bath hoping it would soften the dirt. It looked ok, but we would keep an eye on it.

This morning he was barefoot since it was much warmer and just crawling around on the carpet in the living room. I let him crawl up the stairs to the kitchen and when he crossed the bottom of the baby gate I saw a little red streak. There was also a little red in the carpet. I wondered what he had thrown up. He didn't eat anything red for breakfast. It was blood. I started to panic a little, but since he wasn't fussing I new it wasn't serious. I scooped him up and saw his toe bleeding pretty good. We went to the bathroom and ran it under some water. He liked splashing in the sink so that was helpful. It looked ok so I put a sock on him to keep it protected a little.

I'm not ready for all the bumps he is getting. I know the more they walk the more they fall, but geez he looks beat up.

BTW, the garage sale was a success. I'm amazed at the junk that people will buy. We sold a lot of big things, but still have some stuff left.

Why You Cry?

The last couple nights Peanut has started crying about 15 minutes after we put him to bed. He goes down ok and is quiet for a while. Then you can hear the binky being hit on the crib. After he loses all his binkies he starts crying. Once in a while I go in and snuggle him for a minute and he is ok and goes back to being quiet. Last night I did this three times before I felt like a big sucker. He finally went to bed about an hour past bedtime.

Tonight we left him with the neighbors while we went out to dinner. He had a little catnap before actually being put into bed. Then since we were home he wanted to be up with us. I read him a few stories and snuggled him and put him down. All was fine for about 15 minutes and then the crying started. I went in to snuggle and check on him. After a minute or two of laying on me he started trying to move around and play. I gave him a couple kisses and put him in bed. Then the screaming began. We just left him. I guess only 10-15 minutes passed and now he is quiet again. Except that it's now and hour and a half past his bedtime.

It breaks my heart. I HATE letting him cry. Every fiber of my being wants to go get him and make it all better. Resisting is so hard. It is the right thing though. He needs to re-learn to put himself to sleep. The more times I go get him the more he thinks his crying is working. My nerves are shot though.

Calling Richard Simmons

I have good intentions. Don't we all? A few ladies in my online mom group wanted to start a fitness group. I wasn't sure if they were totally serious or not, but decided to extend my hand and try to be active in the group. So I started a fitness group. Just an online Yahoo group with thoughts that it could turn into something bigger. Now I kind of wish I hadn't started it.

Some women think weighing 110 lbs. will make them the happiest on Earth. They don't realize that it isn't a realistic goal. How to I sway them when all they can think of is how many pounds they can lose? Their goals should be to eat healthier, to exercise more, to just get moving. Don't sweat the numbers. The clothes will start to fit better and the exercises will get easier.

I'm the creator of the group and therefore 'in charge'. They keep suggesting things that I don't know what are. One gal suggested we have challenges. What does that mean? You want to come over and we see who can lift more? Who cares? That doesn't mean one person is better or any more fit. I suggested personal challenges and rewards/punishments for achieving them. They didn't like that. They wanted to see who could do the most push ups. That's fabulous. What's my motivation to win?

Maybe I'm expecting too much. I guess I want to be the trainer and tell them what to do, but that is not what I created. I just made a forum for women to discuss and encourage fitness. I just wish we could do that instead of push up challenges. On the other hand I did suggest we all state official goals so we knew what we were working toward and would know when we got there. A couple of them did this, but it was mostly "I want to weigh xxx by Christmas". I'm not sure they can do that. Some of them probably are at a healthy weight, but have more fat then muscle. If they work out they will lose the fat and gain muscle. They may weigh the same, but be smaller. Oh well.

I'm going to try to stay positive and see where this leads. It would be wonderful if more people would join. Yahoo/groups/kcsahmfitness then log in.

Share and Share Alike

Peanut is so sweet. He has already learned to share. Unfortunately for me, he has shared Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease. It all started last Wednesday when Peanut had a fever. That lasted a couple days and he was generally cranky and not eating or sleeping well. I took him to the doctor on Friday and she spotted HFM right away, though he had no spots on his hands or feet. He had Mouth Disease I guess. Anyway, she tells me that he is highly contagious to children under 5 and adults won't get it.

We cancel all our weekend plans. A wedding, a birthday party and a BBQ. We stay home and try to get the boy well. So he starts perking up by Saturday and things seem great. On Sunday we met my mom and sisters for dinner (since adults don't get it). By the time we got home I had a sore throat, fever, chills and body aches. My fever that night was 102.

So Monday I go to the doctor. I'm worried that whatever I have I could give to Peanut. The doctor says I don't have HFM I just have a virus. So Husband stays home with me on Tuesday to take care of Peanut and let me rest. THANKS BABY!

Now today I feel ok. I'm tired and my throat hurts a lot. Well, what's this? What are these little spots on my hands and feet? Hmmm. Back to the doctor. I have HFM disease. Lovely. The mouth lesions are painful, but the others don't bother me (yet). So much for adults not getting it. Did I mention that I tend to get everything? This should be interesting. Every time Peanut gets something I'll get it too. Wonderful.

It's Later, Here's More

So I forgot about the babysitter story. We wanted someone to come a couple times a week to help me out. My plan was to use the time to either get things done or to just rest and relax a little. I've been a bit stressed out and needed some extra time for myself. So we tried to find someone and just couldn't come up with anything. A guy that husband works with said his daughter might be interested. OK cool. So he emails us and gives us her cell number and says "I'll tell her you'll call next week." Great.

So next week rolls around and I give the girl a call. I start with hi my name is and your dad must have mentioned I'd call, right? Wrong. At least that's what she said. So I was way thrown off. I felt awkward asking her questions about her job and references and all that when she had no clue I was calling. I asked if she was in fact interested in a babysitting job. "Sure." Ok. How many hours could you work? "Whatever." Ok. She works at another job all afternoon, so I asked could she come in the morning? "Sure."

The whole conversation went like that. Sure. Whatever. Ok. No details, no excitement at any of it. We hung up and left it sort of hanging. I thought maybe she would think about it for a day or two, but when I called back she was still sort of vague. I guess that's how girls are at 17. So she said she would come and watch Peanut so we set a trial week. She came the first day and I played in the room with them so he could get used to her without me just leaving.

They hit it off really well. He likes her just fine. She's been coming for two-three weeks now and I'm happy with it. She starts school next week so she'll be coming on different days and times. I'm just happy she still comes. So far I've just been doing things around the house while she is here. I've gotten quite a bit of the house clean. I rest a little too, but mostly work on little projects.

She's not at all what I pictured from the phone conversation. She is a really nice girl that seems to have things in order. I guess you can't judge someone by the vague responses you get over the phone.

31 Today, 10 Months Tomorrow

Wow. I've been a bit inactive haven't I? There hasn't been much I've felt like writing. Today I still have nothing to say, but I'm going to say it anyway.

Peanut got his third tooth on Sunday. It may be silly, but I'm so proud of him. It's another sign he's growing up like he is supposed to. He's crawling really well now and pull up on everything. He will take a few steps behind his hippo walking toy. Someone suggested he would be walking soon, but I think it will be closer to the one year mark. He still has some balance issues to work out.

Last night we read books and I put him in bed and he didn't make a peep. About ten minutes later he started to cry. It got pretty bad and he had crossed the point of no calming down so I went in and got him. He snuggled on my lap and fell asleep that way. I love that. I love to have him snuggle with me. I always put him down because I know it's important for him to sleep in his own bed, but I do enjoy the snuggles beforehand. One day he won't want to do that. He won't want to sit on my lap. He won't want me to hold him while I breath in his baby smell (the good one, not the poopy one). I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

Ten months old tomorrow. Two months away from the big 1 year old. I can't believe it. He's not a baby anymore, he's turning into a little boy. Yes the other number is mine. I don't feel it. Of course I don't care much for birthdays in general so this one is no different. It's just a number.

Sir Mix-A-Lot

Gah! It's August. I wasn't ready for this. Wasn't it just June? Peanut will be 1 year old (October) before I can blink again.

Peanut crawls on hands and knees now, but if he wants to go fast he usually flops onto his tummy to commando crawl.

I think the next batch of teeth are on the way. There is an awful lot of drool and his fingers are constantly in his mouth. He isn't 'playing' with toys as much as he is chewing on them.

He was a peach today. I woke up feeling yucky. He must have felt a bit yucky too because he was extra lovey and snuggly today. He played really well, took good naps and nursed well too. It was a good day.

Last weekend Peanut spent the night at his Aunt J's house while we had our party. He did fine there even though they don't really use their air conditioning. It was less hot than outside, but not really cool if you ask me. Anyway, I had to drop him off by myself and I actually cried a little when I left. That's never happened. Of course, I've always had husband with me so I guess that's the difference.

The party was fun, but I was tired by about 10:00 pm. We were all tired on Sunday, but seemed to have recovered ok (except I have some sort of cold or something). It was awesome to visit with Karaoke Diva and her husband. That was cool. Every time I see her I wish we lived closer together.

The babysitter comes tomorrow for the first time. Sure. Whatever. More on this later.

I'm tired.

Red Rover, Marco, uhhh Tag! That's it!

What were you doing 10 years ago?
I’m not sure I even remember. I think I was in school at CMSU.

What were you doing 1 year ago?
I was working at Dick’s Sporting Goods. I was five months pregnant too.

Five snacks you enjoy
1. Chocolate Chip Cookies
2. Licorice
3. Chocolate covered strawberries
4. Yogurt covered pretzels or raisins
5. Butterfinger Crisps

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics
1. Who knows? I know a lot of lyrics, but then again I mess them up sometimes.
2. Keane – Hopes and Fears CD
3. Phill Collins/Genesis
4. Sting (newer stuff)
5. Various stuff on the radio – see #1.

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire
1. Pay off everything.
2. Build/buy a new house with some land.
3. Help out some friends and family
4. Set up Peanut to be taken care of
5. Buy a lot of clothes and get a lot of massages and take a really cool vacation.

Five bad habits (they aren’t really bad, but maybe just annoying?)
1. Let the dishes sit too long sometimes.
2. Won’t drink the last cup of milk out of the jug.
3. Won’t drink any milk past the date on the jug.
4. I goof off when I should be cleaning or doing some other chore.
5. Dunno

Five things you like doing
1. Reading
2. Working puzzles
3. Playing piano
4. Hanging out with Husband and Peanut
5. Shopping, though I rarely buy stuff for myself

Five things you would never wear, buy, or get new again
1. Flip flops (thong style)
2. A perm.
3. Off-brand peanut butter

Five favorite toys
1. Tv. Is that a toy?
2. Father-in-laws boat at the Lake
3. Music, in the car, at home or anywhere.
4. Snow skis
5. I don’t have much in the way of toys.

Jumble, Rumble, Scrambled Egg

Peanut is growing so fast. Sometimes while I'm watching him play, I'm amazed at what he can do. I know every mother believes her child is the cutest, smartest, whateverest. I'm not saying mine is better than yours. I'm just amazed at mine. I'm amazed at babies in general. The whole process of getting pregnant, being pregnant, giving birth and then raising a child just, well, amazes me.

He climbs the stairs pretty well now, but always needs a spotter. He crawls anywhere he wants to go and doesn't mind having to go over someone to get there. He can get to a sitting position from laying on his tummy. He can stand up next to a couch or other fairly sturdy object. He is starting to notice more and more around him. Today I was talking to the neighbor standing under a tree and he was playing with the leaves. He pulled a piece of one off and sort of stared at it a while before trying to eat it. When I took it from him he looked back at the tree like "that's ok, there are a bunch of them."

He has also been a bit of a crankpot lately. He was diagnosed and is being treated for an ear infection. That should be on the way out if the medicine is doing it's job. Yesterday and today were really bad nursing days. He seems interested, but once things get going he arches his back and screams. I haven't found a position that keeps the screaming at bay. Here is the rundown in case you have advice. The milk is flowing, position doesn't seem to help (we've really tried them all), he has to be hungry after not eating all night. We go 4+ hours during the day between trying. He is eating his cereal, fruit and veggies ok, just not nursing well. There don't seem to be any new teeth coming in. Oh yah, and I'm taking the Fenugreek.

I'm so not ready to give up nursing. Everything about it is uncertain except that it is good for him. How much does he get? Is it enough? All those questions make my head hurt. On the other hand, I don't know how long I can deal with the screaming.

I realize that even if I had to stop today I've done really well. Almost nine months is nothing to sneeze at. Some women can't/don't go that long. I feel some un-voiced pressure in that both my sisters managed to nurse their kids just fine until about a year old. Makes me wonder what boob gene they got that I didn't. I know, that's crazy, but it's what goes through my mind. A lot of our friends are bottle feeding and I'm proud that I was able to succeed with it where they did not. I wouldn't want to hear any of them say anything about giving up and going the easy route. Again, no one would say that, but I hear it in my head. Shut up head.

So, there you have it. What now?