Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Cold, Dark and Lonely

I tried to start a moms night out club. Whine and Dine. Two of my friends joined in. The first night was last month and we went to dinner. It was fun and we sat talking for several hours. The second night was tonight and again we went to dinner with thoughts of a movie afterwards. We met at 6:30 and got a table right away. Dinner was good and we talked easily. Then at 8:00 they split. Both wanted to get home to put their kids to bed.

On one hand I understand. They both worked all day and haven’t really gotten to hang out with their kid(s). On the other hand I was really bummed. It was 8:00. Now I don’t stay up too late knowing I have to be up around 6:30am to feed peanut, but come on. The whole purpose of the night was for the moms to get a break. We were supposed to throw caution to the wind and have a good time without husbands or children. I walked to my car not knowing what to do. I sat there for a while trying to think of somewhere to go. All the movies didn’t start for another hour and I didn’t want to be out that late anyway. So I sat in my car in the restaurant parking lot and finished my book. Then I drove home. I was home a little after 9. Wahoo. Some rowdy evening I had hunh? The whole evening reminds me of my bachelorette party. No, really.

At the time I told The FiancĂ© I didn’t want to go to a strip club, but going out to dinner and whatever sounded nice. So I went with 4 other girls to The Cheesecake Factory on the Plaza for dinner. I don’t remember the time we started, but it was like 8:30 when we were done with dinner. We walked around the plaza for a little bit until the shops closed and then everyone split. No one mentioned going to a bar or even something lame like a movie. I was done with my last night of freedom at 9:00. I cried. True, I didn’t want to go to a strip club, but was there nothing else to be done. I was so sad that the people I was with didn’t plan some sort of last hurrah for me.

I could go on about no close friends and even though The Husband is my best friend I don’t have a girl best friend and that makes me sad. I wanted a night out. I wanted someone I knew to be with me. I wanted it to be fun, relaxing and to burn off any negative baby feelings. This was supposed to recharge me to finish out the week happy and carefree with Peanut. Now I’m bummed and don’t know what to do. I need some friends. How do you make friends at this age?

Monday, June 26, 2006

Danger, Will Robinson

The baby proofing must get done ASAP. Today alone he climbed a couple stairs, splashed his hands in the toilet, opened bathroom drawers and climbed onto the fireplace. I was watching the whole time. The toilet incident is the only one I dropped the ball on.

I was cleaning the bathroom and of course Peanut was helping me. I had just put cleaner in the toilet and was washing the sink when he zipped by me on the floor. I figured he was all right since I had picked everything up. Next thing I look over and he has used the toilet to pull himself up on his knees and has one hand in the toilet bowl. Bleck! I scooped him up and washed him off with soap and water. I put him in his room and he crawled all the way back and tried to do it again.

He likes the stairs now too. We have junk living on some of them. I guess it’s time to find homes for all the stuff. It’s too attractive to him. He can pull up on one step and sort of stand up enough to get his knees onto the step. He would tumble down if no one was there to catch him, but he can make it up 3 or 4 steps without help, just a hand to keep him from falling.

Drawers are fun too. Did you know there is stuff in them? The one he gets too the most has my ponytail holders in it. I’ve got headbands, holders, clips and brushes in that drawer. He plucks them out and tosses them aside to grab another handful. Fun Stuff. So I guess we’ll start installing some of the door and drawer locks we bought.

This post is brought to you by the letter ‘D’. Peanut has learned to say ‘da’ as well as ‘ba’ now. Once in a while he does an ‘m’, but it’s more like ‘mmmmm’ and not ‘ma’. Oh well. His vocabulary is expanding.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Stuck Like Glue to My Guy

Separation Anxiety. I don't think we really get that far. Peanut cries if I'm not within arms reach. Really. Sometimes we go into a room and I set him down and if I don't sit down right away he cries. He looks up at me and reaches for me and cries. Yes folks, I'm standing right next to him. He is not okay with my head being 5 feet in the air.

So, I try to entertain him with toys. He does alright for a little while and then realizes he is not sitting on mama. It is a little cute when he looks over at me from across the room and then starts crawling toward me as fast as he can. It's so wonderful to be loved that much. But it is getting old that he cries when I am not right next to him.

We have an appointment at the YMCA today. He's been pretty clingy today, so I'm not sure how it will go. I may not get much time to workout before he loses it. We were there on Monday and he was not ok with me being gone the whole hour. When I found him he was bright red doing that gasping cry where he is so upset he can't even take time to breath between cries. He settled right down when I picked him up. The girl said he was just staring at the door and each time it opened he got excited until it wasn't me, then he screamed.

I hope that if we keep going 2-3 times a week he'll figure it out. Mommy ALWAYS comes back. Last night I read a bit about separation/stranger anxiety. Seems like it hits around 8 months. The timing is a little crappy in that he is also getting his teeth now. Oh well. He's a tough kid, but with so many forces against him, who can blame him for wanting mama?

Last night I also emailed a few potential babysitters. I'm hoping to find one that will come a couple times a week for a few hours. I'm going to make a list of things to do while they are here. I don't want to waste the time. I need the break, but I'm not sure Peanut will appreciate another person coming in to care for him. He's not been friendly toward anyone but mom and dad. He did do ok with Grandpa over the weekend though. Again, we'll see how it all works out.

Monday, June 19, 2006

To the Future

I caught a glimpse of the future today. Peanut was playing in the living room and he crawled over to me. I was sitting on the floor by our ottoman. He grabbed at the ottoman and tried to pull himself up so I put him on his knees and he kept pulling until he was standing. Then he tried to pull himself up onto the furniture. I used my hand as a step for him and he got on top of it. A little later he was standing in front of the ottoman and sort of unched (it's a word) over to the chair. I could suddenly see him walking and I almost cried. The crawling is enough for now, I'm not ready for him to walk yet. My little baby is growing so fast.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

I'll take Happy Points for 500 Alex

It's one of those days that nothing is really wrong and things are going fine with Peanut (so far), but I'm down. My theory is that you get so many happy points in a day and things that happen throughout the day either take away or add to the pot. Today I woke up with and ok amount, but I've got a leak or something. I just feel blah today.

I tried to get someone in my online mommy group to take a yoga class with me. Two people were interested, but not until November. One is pregnant and the other has a gym membership somewhere other than where I want to take the class. November? It's June. You want me to wait 5 months? Are you nuts?

So the online mommy group sort of sucks. I've never even met these people and I'm starting to get annoyed. The activities they plan are for older kids and not really suitable for an 8 month old. Berry picking at 10:30 in 90 degree heat? No thanks. The thing that bugs me the most is that all my posts seem to be getting ignored. Or they take my post and start something else that I can't participate in. It's annoying and not the reason I joined.

We're headed to the Lake this weekend. I hope it's relaxing in some way. I keep thinking it will be hot and Peanut will get cranky and not like the boat and we'll just be stuck inside. I do like being at the Lake, even if I'm inside it's still the Lake.

I'm tired. I'm sore. I'm sad. I'm not sure what to do about it.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006


Since Peanut was a baby we have ‘brushed’ his teeth every night. We take a damp washcloth and rub his gums. This is to get him used to having something in his mouth and to keep his gums clean.

For the last couple of weeks I have brushed his teeth with the washcloth and then felt around with my finger to see if his teeth are coming yet. Tonight during bath time I brushed his teeth as usual and then felt around with my finger. There is the tiniest of teeth poking through. I only feel it on his bottom left front tooth.

Hooray! My baby boy is growing a tooth. I’m so proud. I know this is a natural event, but gosh I really do feel proud of him. He has a lot of growing and learning to do this first year and so far he’s doing great.

I love you Peanut. Keep up the good work.

Sweating to the Oldies

I’m starting to feel old. My body doesn’t bounce back like it used to. Heck, my body doesn’t bounce like it used to, let alone bounce back. Peanut is heavy. He likes to be held and carried. He spends the majority of his day on the floor playing with toys, but there are times when I have to pick him up. He’s heavy. Did I mention that? Anyway, my back hurts. This is new for me, but it’s been going on for several weeks now. The last week or so it’s been bad enough for me to take some Ibuprofen on a daily basis.

I think it’s the lack of exercise. Or it could be the lack of stretching. Maybe it could be both? I’ve always been a fairly active person, but I’ve slowed way down. Which is odd since I have this boy to chase after now. I was going to the YMCA twice a week, but the timing is hard. Ok, it’s not that hard and I’m using it as an excuse, but there are a few things to consider. I am super protective of his naps. I try very hard to keep his nap schedule regular. This keeps him much happier and therefore keeps me much happier. Messed up nap days are cranky mommy days. So it’s hard for me to time it between naps and meals. The daycare doesn’t open until 8 and closes for an hour in the afternoon to clean. So we end up not going. I know it’s an excuse and I could go if I really wanted to.

I’m not sure which to tackle first, my bad eating habits or my lack of exercise. I need to do both, but I can’t handle both at the same time. Baby steps. Once I get one started and under control I can start the other. The exercise should probably come first. When I exercise it makes me want to eat better to not undo all the work I did. The problem is I have zero motivation. I REALLY want to get in shape and feel better, but not so much that I’m going to get up and go do it. What’s wrong with starting tomorrow? Other than tomorrow really never comes?

My clothes seem to be shrinking and I don’t know what happened to all the cookies I baked, but this is not enough to get me off my duff and to the gym. What will it take? I’ve been thinking about something like Weight Watchers or a trainer at the gym. Both seem silly since I know what things to eat and I used to be a trainer. It’s one thing to be someone else’s coach, but another to coach myself. Help me internet. Give me a push.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Out of the mouths of babes

I've been recalling things said by all my nieces and nephews (7 now) and wondering what cute things Peanut will say when he's a bit older. Here are some of my favorites.

Mother: Where should we go today?
Child: Toties an We. (Toys R Us)

Several Adults and one child waiting in traffic for no apparent reason while traveling out of town.
Adults: What's the hold up?
Child: Maybe a turtle is crossing the road. (It turned out to be a train we could not see)

Adult and child watching movie. Two adults in movie kiss.
Child: They love they chother.

Mother: Did you like your first day of school?
Child: Yes, I got a cookie. A long time ago, but not backwards frontwards, I will probably say 'I hate school' and I might even not remember my time in Kindergarten. But I really love school now.

Adult: That's a lovely dress you have on.
Child: Thank you, we bought it tomorrow.

Adults and child watching Toy Story for the first time on DVD. Child upset and crying when Buzz learns he cannot really fly.
Mother: Do you want to stop watching and turn it off?
Child sobbing: No, but this is the first time I'm watching this. (Meant, last time, but was totally truthful as it was the first time she saw it).

Ahhh. Children. I'm sure there are dozens more, but those are some of my favorites. We're a little way off for Peanut to start giving me material. As soon as he does though, you'll hear about it.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

It's Been a Hard Day's Night

Being a stay at home parent is a job. It takes patience, strength, wisdom and a host of other qualifications to be successful in this job. Some people go to an office and deal with annoying people and a boss that doesn’t understand. My office is my home and my boss can’t speak, walk or potty in a toilet. My phone only rings when my husband calls, no co-workers ask me to lunch and I work overtime everyday – weekends too. I don’t get paid and I get one evening off per week. Cleaning up poop, spit up and slobber is handled by me; I am the janitor at this office. Being home alone I get very lonely. There are days we go to Target or somewhere just to be out of the house. Most everyone I know is at work. They take their kids to daycare and trudge off to make a living.

There are perks though. I get to see every smile and hear every laugh. I watch him crawl from toy to toy. Some times we look at each other and just smile with the amount of love passing between us. When he cries, I pick him up and he lays his head on my shoulder relaxed, knowing mommy has him. Each day I know everything that happens to him. I know what he eats, drinks, wears and plays with. I’ve heard every new sound and seen the wonder in his eyes as he finds something new to explore.

Some days I want to give up. I want to stop breastfeeding and get Peanut on Formula. Then I could stop worrying about how much or how little milk he gets. I want to take Peanut to daycare and trudge off to work to make a living. There are days I feel I am not the best caregiver for him. There have been days where I look at my precious Peanut and cry because he got me for a mom. These days are very hard for me. I do not know how to overcome these thoughts and feelings. Mostly I just keep going. I make it to the end of the day. Once he is asleep and the house is quiet I feel better. Then I relax and watch a little television and go to bed. Then I do it all again in the morning.

Before having Peanut I used to think being a mom wasn’t all that hard. Sure babies need to be taken care of, but they grow up and then they are kids that can walk, talk and dress themselves. It never occurred to me how many days you have to endure before that happens. The days never stop. It’s not like you work Monday through Friday and get the weekend off. This really is a 24/7/365 job. Being a parent is hard. At least in most jobs you know the rules and you know when you get close to breaking them. In parenting there are no rules and you really only know what they were after you’ve broken them (the rules, not the children, though I would say if you break the child you broke the rule).

All in all I try to keep Peanut safe and happy while not losing my mind. It sure helps when he gives me a smile or a big slobbery kiss. That really makes up for so much.

Monday, June 05, 2006

"To sleep, perchance to dream - ay, there's the rub."

Dear Peanut,

I realize that at some point you will go from 3 naps to 2 naps to 1 nap and some glorious day 0 naps. Today is not that day. Peanut, when you are tired, it is my job as mommy to assist you in taking a nap. I make your room dark, give you a kiss and a dozen binkies to get you on your way. Two out of three times a day this works just fine. I'm guessing you think you are ready for only two naps a day. I would agree if not for the samsonite under your eyes by 5 pm. You get a little cranky and nothing will satisfy you. As your mommy I have to say I think a little catnap would make it all better.

Since you take two decent naps I don't think this last one needs to be as long as the first two and sometimes we bend the rules. The first two must take place in your crib by yourself. The third can be in the crib or on my lap. Why oh why do you fight this? I guess 45% of the time you end up in your crib crying until your daddy gets home or I give in and let you off the hook (figure of speech, I don't actually hang him on a hook). If I give up and you do not nap, you are cranky until you are back in the crib for bed.

I love you Peanut, but work with me a little bit.


Thursday, June 01, 2006


So I walk in to work(1) and see that someone has brought donuts and juice (love that) for everyone. As I’m having my donut the boss comes over to me and says there has been a change in shifts. The guy that was the evening guy is now the morning guy and I have been moved to his shift, which starts now. He reminds me that after each batch of songs to mention the Chiefs. So I run to the booth to get started. There is a microphone on the counter that looks like the one Bob Barker uses on The Price Is Right. Only it is sticking out of a pedestal with four little buttons on it and it bends. So I push the button to make the microphone ‘live’ and then forget what to say. Oh yah, the Chiefs. I look at a picture that is supposed to tell me what to say. I do not understand it, but I do the best I can.

“The Chiefs are up with a score of 4, the other people have 3. There are three dogs in one area and then two in another. The other people have cats. There seem to be several cats, but I cannot see how many. So I hope you are all doing well today.”

At this point I am waiting for the boss to come storming in and fire me. Instead this snotty girl comes in asking for the latest gossip. She wants to know if I have the dish on them (2) because they keep breaking up and getting back together again. In my mind I’m thinking that yes I do in fact know the inside scoop, but this girl is so annoying I am not going to share it with her. Then she asks whose jacket is hanging on the chair. She wants it. I tell her it is mine and the songs are almost over so she has to get out.

This time I see a little teleprompter with the Chiefs commercial on it. I’m trying to read it, but a cat keeps getting in my way. So I start talking about the new running back (3) they got and I say his name is Terence and then the cat gets in my way so I can’t see his last name. I think it is Williams so I go with that. Wrong, but I have already said it so I just keep going. Again, I wonder where the boss is and why he has not come to fire me yet.

At this point I notice that my 7 month old son (4) has been sitting on the counter next to the microphone. He has not uttered a peep or tried to play with anything. I thank God for small miracles. My husband comes in to get the boy and I start gesturing wildly for him to go get someone to help me. He does not get any of it. He says he needs to take the boy home because it’s 7 pm and he willll need to go to bed soon. In my mind I agree, but I’m still gesturing for help.

1. I do not and have not ever worked at a radio station. 2. I don’t know who ‘they’ are and why ‘they’ keep breaking up. 3. I have no idea if the Chiefs have a new running back. 4. I do know that my son would not sit still anywhere for any length of time quietly.