Thursday, March 20, 2008

Mothers Helper

We were in the master bathroom, he was playing with various items and I was getting ready to clean the sinks. I started with the mirror and he wanted to help so I gave him the duster. In my head I thought he would just dust things. He went into the toilet room to clean. (Our toilet is in it's own little room in the bathroom). I didn’t think much about this, but clearly I should have.

After a full minute or even two in there I became suspicious. I peeked my head around the corner and he was ‘washing’ the walls. He had the toilet lid open and was dipping the duster into the water, then using that to wash the walls.

I took the duster away (and threw it away) and he cried. I told him he was doing a good job washing, but now we needed to wipe it up. Luckily I had a stack of paper towels handy and it only took us a few minutes to mop up the floor. We may need to do some cleaning in there with non-toilet water in case an odor develops.

After that I was tired so we had a snack. The sinks can be dirty a bit longer.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Open 24 Hours

I am a mom. I stay at home with my son. He is two. I chose to do this. I have the option to put him in daycare and go to work full time, but I choose to stay home. Does this mean that I am never "off work"?

Typically, one parent goes to work. Something like 8am to 5pm. They work at hospitals, law offices, book stores and whatever. They do their work from 8am to 5pm and then go home. They are done with that work. When they get home they are a parent. (Some people choose to not be parents, but I'm not talking about them.) So when they get home they visit with the family, eat, play and help put kid(s) to bed. Right? Or is it still the stay at home parents job to do that?

My job starts anywhere from 7 to 8 am. I don't drive to work. I don't have to fix my hair or wear nice clothes. My job starts the moment my son wakes up. Sometimes I wake up first and take a few minutes to get dressed or use the bathroom or something else all to my self. Most days he is up before I am. My job stops when he goes to sleep. Not bed, but to sleep. In actuality, I'm still on call, but not on active duty. If something happens in the night, Husband usually hears first. He is the first responder. Most times that works and I'm not needed, but occasionally I'm called in. So I'm really only on active duty from 7am to roughly 10pm.

So basically I'm either actively working or on call 24/7. When do I get a break? Do I get a break? My sister is basically a single parent because her husband rarely does any parenting duty. He will help, but only if asked and usually reluctantly. My husband helps quite a bit and I don't have to ask.

Since Husband is not home 1-2 nights per week to help I usually take Wednesday nights 'off'. I go wherever and try to relax and regroup. The last few times I've gone out I've come back to an unhappy house. I've wished I never left. All the good vibes I was collecting get smashed and I'm back in my blah rut. If I thought I could mentally handle it, I would just put myself in charge 24/7. The trouble is I can't handle it. I'm 7 months pregnant, not sleeping well and overall pretty tired. So I need help.

Husband keeps asking me why I'm grumpy or what's wrong. Well. I'm tired of asking for some kind of help and not getting it. I'm tired of feeling hopeless and things not changing. I'm tired of having the same conversations about things we could do or change to make it better and nothing coming of it. I'm tired of being referee. I'm tired of going to sleep all the while dreading waking up and dealing with it all again. But most of all, I'm just tired.

I'd really like this blog to be happy and funny and have lots of readers that leave wonderful comments, but I don't have it in me. I don't know of something happy and funny to write. I know of tired. Eventually I'll have this baby and my kids will grow up and maybe then things will change, but until then, this is where I'll vent.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Cry Me a River

During pregnancy hormones are out of control. The first time around, there were several times I just cried for no reason. This time is no different. There do seem to be reasons though. Mostly I'm tired. When I am tired I don't function as well.

Today was my day off and I had a few things planned. I was going to go to the grocery store, the hardware store and take a nap. I did manage to get to the grocery store, but nothing else. I spent most of the day doing our taxes. So now I'm still tired and weepy. Husband was kind enough to put Peanut to bed even though he doesn't feel that well himself. I just couldn't do it tonight.

Funny how the littlest things make me cry. Good thing I don't watch much television or movies. I'm sure just a touching commercial would send me running for a raft to wade through the tears.