Summer of '09

This is a summer of firsts for Peanut. He got to have S'mores at a friends house. He got to watch and help do some fireworks and something else I can't remember right now. He has really been having fun.

The fireworks have been the newest thing since the 4th was just yesterday. Thursday some of the neighbor kids were shooting some off and we walked to the end of the block to watch. One of the dads let him have a sparkler. He wasn't sure what to do at first, but his friend A was there and showed him how. A is five so he knows how a sparkler is done. Anyway, it was cute watching him with the older boys. He, at 3 1/2 is the youngest of the bunch. I would guess most of them are between 7 and 10. They are all very nice to him. They talk to him and help him out with things. It's wonderful. They don't treat him like a little kid. Maybe his size has something to do with it, but I'm glad they seem to accept him.

Friday we had some friends over for dinner and Peanut got to see a few more fireworks at our house. He and J did several boxes of those little snappers and sparklers. Husband and his buddy J shot of some simple things. It was a nice evening, especially since I got to hold baby S for a while. He's just one month old. So cute! Saturday we went to see more friends and Peanut got to play with his other friend A. They did really great. Usually they have a few squabbles, but last night they played for hours. I put Sweetface to bed and the adults got to play a game for a while. I hated to leave, but it was getting late.

All in all summer has been good to us so far. We've only been to the pool a couple times, but now that it's warmer we can go more often. It's hard to go by myself with the two kids, but if we go right when Husband gets home from work we have about an hour or so to play. That's plenty.

I Think I am Doing it Wrong

I don't get the exercise high people talk about. I work out and sweat, but after it's over I just want to take a nap. Perhaps after I do it for a few days (weeks?) it will get better. Right now it feels like a lot of effort.

Our family has been trying to move to a healthier place. We eat out too much and eat meals made from a box too often. I've been buying fresh fruits and vegetables and once in a while we've been eating them. We have also switched to eating more Organic items. The downside is that you don't see instant results. This will really have more of a long-term affect on us. That's OK. The kids are young and have long lives to live. I would rather they be long healthy lives.

Posting has been pretty light. I have not had much to say and still don't really. I am trying to find my place right now. Both kids go to daycare a couple days a week so I have some time for me. I've been worn out and resting mostly, but trying to start some projects. My energy level has been pretty low.

The Memories are Sweet

Tomorrow. One year ago almost to the minute I was preparing for my last good nights sleep. Husband was home from class and we were discussing the pros and cons of not going to the hospital the night before the induction. He said we could sleep good for one more night. It was close to 11 pm and finally we brushed teeth and went to bed. Only an hour later I snapped out of my dream saying "uh oh" and then saying it again a minute later as I was finally wide awake. My water broke. I grabbed a towel off the floor and ran to the bathroom.

I remember it like it was last night. I remember being excited and so calm. I remember waiting to find out if it was a girl or not. Then, finally, I had my baby. He looked just like Peanut. I was instantly in love. He was perfect. He nursed great, he snuggled and slept. The love was instant. They placed him on my chest and he was full in my heart already. He still is. He really is my Sweetface. He goes everywhere with me and is usually good natured about the whole thing. When he puts his head on my shoulder I'm not sure how I can contain this much love. My eyes well up with tears, the love is literally pouring out of me.

There will be a party tomorrow in celebration of my little boy turning one. He has earned every minute of it. He has five teeth and took his first steps four days before his birthday. He sleeps through the night, takes two naps during the day and eats like a champ (mostly). He wears 12 month clothes but sometimes needs 18 month. He is not nearly as tall as Peanut was, but weighs nearly the same. His eyes are blue and his hair is reddish blond and way too long. I love this boy with every pulse I have, with every breath I take. He is the most precious gift I have ever received and I am thankful for him every day.

Family is arriving and will stay through the weekend. Friends are coming tomorrow. So many people to come celebrate one of my two blessings. I am lucky. The cakes are made, the gifts are wrapped. I will frost/decorate cakes, vegetables will be chopped and punch will be made in the morning. After lunch the balloons will be strung up. I've given my worry to one that can handle it. His hands are bigger. I will only enjoy the memories of that day one year ago.

The Weeds are Growing Too

My baby will be one on Saturday. Suddenly he's much more interested in walking. At church on Sunday he took off like a mad man. Being held was torture for him. He still can't walk, but he went for all he was worth holding on to a mommy or daddy finger. He would plop down to crawl, but neither of us wanted him to get trampled in the lobby.

He is starting to eat better too. In general he is still pretty picky, but he seems willing to try more things. Or maybe I'm just offering him more things I think he will like. Either way I try to get a balanced diet in him. Fruit, vegetable, dairy and some meat. He loves bread, but gets more than he needs.

Peanut is testing us daily. He is an expert at pushing at the rules just enough that we bend a tiny bit without breaking the rule. But after a couple weeks we realize the rule has long been broken. We snap back to attention and Peanut hates it for a while before he starts pushing again. He was in top form today. Yesterday he was sick and got to have a Sprite to settle his tummy. Today he thought he would get another one even though he was feeling fine. I explained he got one special because he was sick. A few hours later he told this long story about birds and they get in your tummy and you go to the doctor and he tells you that you are sick and you get to go home and have a Sprite. It was a cute story.

I'm pudgy. I look 6 months pregnant. For real. I'm waiting for someone to ask when I'm due. Now that I'm done nursing and the baby is almost one I think it's time to own the extra weight that is still hanging around. It's not going to melt off from nursing or any other activity. Somehow I need to get some exercise in my life. Playing volleyball is great, but it's only once a week. There is a SAHM running group nearby, but they run on the nights I can't. I could join a gym, but most have less than fabulous daycares. I don't want to be paged in the middle of working out to come change a diaper. Surely there is a childcare center in a gym that will change a diaper if need be. Oh well. I could start at home for free, but I have zero motivation. I just know my clothes don't fit and swimsuit season is fast approaching.

Will You be My Friend?

Can I just say?...Facebook kind of freaks me out. On the one hand it's nice to connect with people and learn more about them. I'm comfortable looking at pictures and reading insights of people I know at this moment in life. These are people I talk to and could hang out with.

It is the people that I have not seen or heard from in over 15 years that sort of takes my breath away. High school was not a fabulous place for me. I was mostly an average person. My school was small and I knew everyone, but was only good friends (or so I thought) with a few of them. After graduation I left for college and never looked back. No one else looked for me. For the most part I just faded away and allowed everyone else to fade as well. Ten years after graduation I got an email letting me know I missed my 10 year reunion. That is OK. I probably would not have gone anyway. A few friends caught me up on their lives and then we promptly lost touch again.

So now 5 years later I joined FB. I found several classmates. Some of them even sent me messages asking how my life is/has been. It feels very odd and somewhat forced to share my life with someone that let me fade away those many years ago. Is it a grudge? They forgot me then so they cannot know me now? My open mind and heart tell me to swallow the hurt and allow them in. The tough part comes after sharing. I posted very little and shared only enough to give a general snapshot of life today. Married with two kids living in xyz. I am finding they start off excited to see me and catch up, then they go back to what they were doing and I fade away again. I am also finding it is painful to again lose touch.

This quick catch up is fine for some folks. Really I am just curious where they are and what happened in their lives. I do not really want a relationship. FB works well for this. I saw a video of FB that really summed it up for me. It is a great tool and yet odd.

Smell the Happieness

Well, Spring has sprung and I'm feeling much better. We are all still having good and bad times, but now that the sky is blue and the grass and trees are green again I am happier. So I just read my last post...Anyone ready for something lighter and happier? Me too. It's wonderful to be able to go outside and not freeze to death. Everything seems happier. Birds are chirping and flowers are starting to peek up. I must really have SAD bad.

*

Some lady was going door to door selling paintings. It was a bit unusual, but they were rather good. I'm not sure if she actually painted anything or just put her name on something, but the pictures were beautiful. I would have bought more if they weren't so pricey. She came down $30 and then I boldly offered her another $20 off. She sort of sighed and bit her lip. She had been out all day and didn't seem to have sold anything. I figured if she was desperate she would take it. She did. I'm the owner of two lovely abstract oil paintings. I really like them and will get them hung up in the next few weeks.

I felt kind of gutsy asking for a deal. I'm not that type of person at all. Usually I just go with whatever is on the table. I don't know what made this moment different. Oh well. In my eyes we both won. She got some cash and I got a couple paintings.






*Peanut and Husband are getting ready for bath and once Peanut takes his clothes off he runs around the house naked for a bit. They are upstairs getting ready for bath and I'm downstairs. A little streaker just ran in and out of here in a flash. Makes me giggle.

Put a Fork in Me - I am Done

When I say I’m done…

I mean I am tired of being me. I’m at the end of my rope and asking for help. I cannot deal with the kid(s) any more. I want to walk out the door and not come back.

I do pretty well for a while but it’s all building inside. Every time I have to repeat myself, to start counting to 3 or taking a toy away it builds more. Every time I have to tell them to stop, to listen, to pay attention it builds. Every time I have to clean something spilled, put things away they should not have or re-direct them to something else it builds. Then I reach a point where I’m done. I struggle to care.

I’m done. I don’t want to play, to listen to them, to talk to them. I don’t want to be around them. I’m done trying to stay calm, to understand, cleaning things up and thinking of what to do next. I’m done being the nose wiper, the butt wiper the face washer and the hand washer.

I start to think they are better off with someone at a daycare or a nanny. Surely some one doing this as a chosen job is better at it than I am. Someone else can feed them, clean them and tell them the same thing 1000 times before 8am.

I don’t get much of a break. My job is a full time job. The ‘mom’ never turns off. I know you are also the ‘dad’ full time and that does not turn off either. If you get stressed at work you have the luxury of going to the gym for a while or taking off early or getting a drink. When I get stressed I have to make lunch, change diapers, clean up, try to give naps (and not get upset when they don’t) and all the things that stressed me out in the first place. Sure I can go to a gym too, but I have to take the kids with me to the daycare. I can drop them off for 2 hours, knowing they are waiting there for me at the end of it.

This is about me, but I know you have stress too. School and work not to mention the crazy lady at home. All that adds to my stress because I don’t want to bother you. I know you can’t very well leave work whenever I have a bad day.

So what do I do? I thought playing volleyball and having Wednesday night was enough to keep me re-grouped, but there are things in relations to those that stress me out. I still watch them all day, plan meals and whatever. Then occasionally my time off gets overrun by something else. I get pushed aside for another day. I go along with it assuming I will get my time or what else is needed is more important.

So when I’m done – I’m losing my grip. I’m angry, upset, sad and ready to quit. I’m not sure what I want to hear. Maybe something only for me. Something that shows someone else is paying attentions and cares. I’d like a friend. Someone to invite me out. Someone to swap kids with . Someone I can call. Someone I felt close to. Do not suggest I know this person. If I did I would not be writing this – I’d be on the phone with them.