This Roller Coaster Called Life

Being pregnant changes several things.  The first and most obvious is my body.  It changes almost daily.  Another is my wardrobe to accommodate that changing body.  My tastes have changed too.  Some things that used to be delicious are just OK now or even yucky. 

I would say one of the biggest changes is hormonal.  I'm not sure how much your levels change or even which ones change, I just know I am not the same "me" I was.  I have horrible fears, mostly related to my kids and the new baby.  Will baby have Downs?  Will it have all it's limbs?  Will it be blind?  Will it....?  These are all fears I cannot control other than to eat a healthy diet and do the best I can to be healthy. 

Today my fear has been driven in a new direction.  There were multiple bombings in Boston.  At the famous marathon.  There have been fatalities and many injuries.  People that had finished the race or were waiting for loved ones to finish or even just watching were injured.  Blown up. 

Is there a shrink machine?  I want to shrink my kids and put them in protective bubbles and then keep them in my pocket forever.  I realize this has its flaws, but for now I don't want to take them anywhere.  We went to a baseball game yesterday and now I kind of want to throw up.  What if some lunatic blew up a baseball game? 

There are no safe places.  We up security at airports and events and say we are fighting a war on violence.  We are not.  We are throwing a band-aid on a severed wound.  I'm not sure you can stop every nut from committing evil, though I would like to.  There are probably dozens/hundreds of attempts that are stopped each day that we really do not hear about.  It's the ones no one expects that take the breath out of you.  Can I put my kids on the school bus and not worry?  Can we go to the zoo?  Where can we go? 

I will not stop living life because something may happen.  An airplane could fall on my house or a tornado can hit it.  There is no where to go.  I can only pray that what is meant to be will be.  I can only live the life I have as best I can while I can.  I can only teach my kids that we make the most of today because we are not promised tomorrow.  Sure, we make plans.  I have a plan to have a baby in another four and a half months. 

There is nothing I can do to guarantee any of it.  I accept that.  Yes, I use caution.  I try to get the kids to use caution, but I won't freeze and wait.  I do pray for the lunatics of the World.  I pray that they are stopped, somehow thwarted for one more day.  That folks can run a marathon and reach goals and live life without senseless violence ending it.

Day 24 - Come and Gone.

So I'm done with the 24 day challenge.  I'm torn.  I lost about 2 lbs and about 5 inches.  Honestly I was expecting more based on other peoples results.  Not realistic, but still.  What did I gain?  Well, I ate really healthy for 24 days.  I drank a lot of water.  I even exercised once or twice.  So I think it was a good start.  A start to what?  A healthier life. 

I feel sick when I drink soda now.  I really want it and I miss it, but it doesn't taste the same to me.  I want candy too, but those make me feel yucky too.  Some things I can do, like lattes and some cookies.  I try to not over-indulge though. 

I have the supplies to do another challenge.  I think I may do one soon just so I can keep the healthy wheels turning.  I think having the structure of the challenge helps me not eat outside of what is good for me. 

The other challenge I faced was going to Disney World during the last week of the challenge.  It was hard to find things that fit into what I needed.  I did the best I could and didn't beat myself up over the rest.  I ate dessert.  I ate a hot dog.  Nothing too outrageous, but things I will try not to have everyday.  I like my Chai tea in the evenings and my oatmeal in the morning.  I'm not sure giving either up would do me any good.  Those keep me happy. 

Anyway, I'm trying to be better.  No.  I am being better.  I'm not trying anymore.  Trying gives me the option to stop or fail.  Doing it means I keep going even if there are setbacks.  Go me!

Still...nothing.

OK.  Here we are at day 14.  Anything different?  Not really.  Sure I'm still eating pretty well, but nothing else is much different.  What is wrong with me? 

I have never been one to get the exercise high.  I get tired and sweaty.  I guess it's OK, but if you really want to stick with something I think it should do more than just make you tired.  It would be nice if I at least enjoyed it.  I've been trying to just do it anyway knowing it is good for me.  I'm not fond of it though.

I did have unrealistic expectations.  I had them based on what other people have experienced.  Why do I have to be different?  I don't know, but I apparently am.  I keep hearing awesome numbers and mine pretty much suck.  Maybe I'm doing it wrong?  I'm eating lots of protein, veggies and fruit.  Is that wrong?  I guess it's not fish everyday, but jeez. 

So now we leave tomorrow and I am going to spend my wonderful vacation the same as I always am only eating healthy and still not getting anywhere.  I will skip the cookies, ice cream and other lovely foods in favor of protein bars, fruit and water.  Blah.  At the end of this I will be pretty much the same as I was.  Should I be happy I didn't get worse?  Probably, but that wasn't my goal. 

I am so grumpy.  I think I need to go to bed early tonight.  My mood is foul.  Not exactly how I want to be on the eve of the happiest place on earth.

Sloth

So...I'm on day six of eating healthy.  I don't feel better.  I guess I don't feel worse either, but for sure no better.  Am I dreaming?  Would it only take 6 days of no sugar, soda, bread, milk and whatever else to feel better? 

This afternoon I went for a walk and then had to take a 45 minute nap.  Is that normal?  Surely I should be able to stand on my feet for an hour without sleeping like a hibernating bear.

More protein?  More water?  More what? 

We are leaving for a vacation in 9 days.  I would like to enjoy it all day long, not just until noon when I feel like passing out.  I'm sure that will be thrilling for my kids.  Hey kids eat your breakfast quick cuz mommy only has three hours before she can't see straight and has to lie down.

Why is this so awful to me?  You would think eating as many vegetables and drinking as much water as I have would kick start a body into high efficiency.  Nope.  I have to pee more, but that's about it so far.

I guess I had high hopes.  Unrealistically high hopes.  Now that I realize it isn't changing me into some super active, healthy gal I'm disappointed.  Maybe? 

OK, confession time.  I ate a cookie the other day.  ONE cookie.  Did that really mess me up?  I don't think so.  It was yummy too.  The universe is lucky I didn't inhale the earth and eat everything in site.  One cookie.  Can you believe that?  Six days.  Over 600 ounces of water.  Vegetables.  Fruit.  Oatmeal.  Ugh. 

Sidenote:  Why do we spell ugh u-g-h instead of u-h-g?  Whatever.

Slow and steady, one step above unmoving and asleep.

So. How Have You Been?

I have been trying. Really. It just so happens I try very hard for about a week, maybe more and then...something happens. It is nothing big or exciting. Just...something. Then I stop trying.

I am in the process of starting some serious thinking. When I read that I picture some giant wheel I have to crank to get moving. It starts so slowly, but with time and effort it spins smoothly.

My mind is a jumble. So many thoughts. Some are helpful and lead to more good thinking. Some are strange and just make me feel fuzzy. An outside opinion might help. It has not helped in the past, but this is not the past anymore.

Instead of looking back to see what went wrong, I am trying to look forward to what will be right. I wonder if it is possible to snap out of something today by dreaming of the future?

Anyway, I found this blog again. Maybe I will try using it for a while. At least until...something.

Tears, From Heaven

Something happened to someone I know. We belong to a group together, but I don't really know much about the person. Anyway. Something quite devastating happened to them. I cannot stop crying for them. I cannot stop thinking about it. I cannot stop agonizing over what would I do if it were me.

I do believe God has a plan for each of us. We may never really know the plan, but we have been given spiritual gifts and a passion. It is up to us to use those gifts. We have free will. We have the choice to say "I am not going to do that". Anyway, there is a plan. When something this awful happens to a human being, it is hard to say "thanks be to God".

I am not angry. I am not sure what I am. I guess at this point confusion and maybe disappointment reign. I totally thought things would work out differently. In my heart I had no doubt things would turn out OK. It is not fair.

My problem now is figuring out why this is getting to me. I cannot even think about it without starting to cry. Talking about it is out of the question. I have been praying, trying to find what it is I should get out of this. Why is this affecting me like it is?

Perhaps this tragedy was too close to home? Even though I do not know this person, this could have been my family. This could have been me. But. So could a million other things. I could have lived in Japan and just lost everything. I could live in a country of war. I live in a nice comfortable American city. I have a house, family, clothes, food, car and many more things. So why does this story affect me so? Am I meant to give or do something?

At this point I am exhausted. My body has been a little sick this week and I just cannot take one more ounce of pain. I let myself cry because I think at some point I will be done. Maybe I will never stop thinking of this person. Maybe I have a bond with them. Maybe I am meant to help in some way. I just do not know.

Life will keep going. Days will pass and summer will come and go and years will fade into the background. Somewhere down the line we will have "moved on". I don't want to live in fear that I will miss something. I will open myself up for whatever may come.

I. Am Alive!

I seem to be some kind of super busy despite not having a formal job. This mom thing takes up a lot of time. Neither of my children want to nap so I spend a fair amount of time trying to get them to sleep. Then I am exhausted so nothing productive happens while they sleep.

Day to day it is amazing how much laundry piles up. How many people live here? Why do they wear so many clothes? Most of my days are spent washing. Laundry, dishes, walls, things, faces and bodies. Wash, wash, wash.

It seems like lately we have had a rash of doctor appointments. One child has a hearing issue so we see an Audiologist on a semi-regular basis. The other child has speech issues so we see a therapist for that too. Add on eye, teeth and general body woes and we see a someone in the medical profession once a week, but more likely twice.

I confess it has been a while since I've seen any sort of doctor. I tell myself I am saving money, but when there is nothing wrong with me it seems silly to go in for a check up. I did make an eye appointment. It has been around 5 or so years since last I went. Nothing is wrong, but it seemed to be the least dreadful appointment to make. Do NOT get me started on the dentist. I dislike the dentist. My eyes are fine so check those.

At some point I will need to start a health journey. Something about hearing folks refer their stories as a journey is weird. I get it, but I imagine you packing your bags and literally walking out your door on a journey. I watch the television show about weight loss and they all talk about their weight loss journey. Maybe it's me. Anyway, I need to get healthy. I drink too much soda and coffee. I stay up too late. I don't exercise enough (or at all if you are keeping score here). Needless to say there are some things I can improve upon.

Perhaps writing it all down is the way to go. I'd like to photo document, but my camera is on the outs. The funds are not yet available to get a new one. If I can figure out how to get pictures from my phone to here then we are in business. Baby steps.