Friday, August 29, 2014

A Time to Celebrate, Except I Guess Not

Gosh, I guess once a year seems about right for a blog.  What?  You post every day.  You get the gold star.  I am busy.  Or at least I am not busy with this.  Wait, what?

So, we had a baby.  We had a boy (surprise - not really).  He is wonderful and funny and sweet and all the things little babies are supposed to be.  Except he is not a little baby anymore.  In less than two weeks he will be one.  ONE!  I cannot take it.  He was supposed to stay tiny (OK, small) and a sweet sleepy baby forever.  Nope.  Already he is a trouble maker.  He is such a mini me for the two older ones.  He looks like one and still yet reminds me of the other.  It will be fun to see how he follows.

I have been having some trouble dealing with certain aspects of this last pregnancy and birth.  I am not sure how to get over it.  I was thinking maybe writing it all down would help get it out of my head.  Now, by no means do I dwell on this every day all day.  I do think of it once in a while and it makes me sad.  Occasionally, I will cry, but most of the time I think of it and go about my day.

No one threw me a baby shower. 

That's it.  That is the big sadness.  If you are reading this you might think I am nuts to dwell on this.  Who cares says you?  I care, says I.  Here is why.  When a woman is pregnant she is in a special phase that doesn't happen to everyone all that often.  So people treat said woman special.  They make her comfortable, they fetch her drinks and snacks or a puke bucket.  They encourage her, they tell stories and ask to hear the name list.  People help her decorate her precious bundles nursery and buy her gifts to show their love.  They also, throw her a shower.  They shower her, her baby and husband with cake, attention and love.  They show her just how special she is to carry a baby, to have a child.

So what does it mean to me to not have a shower.  After all, this was baby number 3.  Isn't there a minimum amount of time and effort one would spend on baby number 3?  What if it was baby number 9?  Surely, you just high five her in the hall and that's good enough, right?  No.  It means to me that I do not have close friends.  It means that of all the people in my life in some way, none of them are close enough or care enough to do this for me.  I know women that have had more than one child and a shower for each.  Even just a small gathering for appetizers and gifts.  I got nothing.  No one offered.  No one even asked me if I was having a shower.  (As a side note, I found out after the fact that someone told husband they would help with a shower, though no offer to actually host or have one).  No one even high fived me in the hall.  I know I am not close with very many people, but I though I mattered at least a little or enough for a baby shower.  After all my kids were 5 and 7.  We had given away and sold almost all of our baby stuff.  We had a crib and not much else.  There was plenty to help with.  It's not even about the gifts.  It truly is about no one caring for me. 

OK.  So what?  I had my baby and he was precious.  I had an emergency C-Section.  My baby was in danger, but turned out OK.  We had a total of four (4) friend visitors.  Two sisters came, one niece, one nephew and one brother in law and my mom.  Once.  They all came once except my mom who ended up watching my kids and came a few times.  However, she left town the day after I arrived home from the hospital.  Glad I was so busy throwing up, recovering from surgery and crying over my dying father to worry about friends coming to visit.  Some of our "friends" didn't even come until he was a month old.  Gifts?  Some.  Not many though.  Our neighbors brought us new baby clothes and I am not sure I know their last name.  I do, but you see my point?  One couple brought a meal and that was great, but we already had meals coming from church and they sort of just came over and didn't really make a plan. 

Some folks from church arranged meals for us.  That was great and very helpful.  I did hear the person comment later how hard it was and how they didn't want to do it.  Um.  Wow.  Thanks.  My dad died 13 days after my son was born.  Someone at church thought they should keep doing meals and wanted it to start up again.  It did for a few days and that was a nice gesture.  By then I was done.  Oh congratulations and I'm so sorry.  Thank you?  Maybe my hormones made it more awkward than it really was.

My baby is almost one year old and no one at church has asked me to hold him.  Ever.  Most people seemed to wait until I gave him to husband and then husband handed him off.  Was I some sort of baby ogre?  In my head I cared for him since no one else seemed to be offering.

So now, he is almost one and I want to have a little party.  My family will come.  I was looking at pictures from the parties of the older boys and our friends are there.  So I thought we should invite them too.  I also think that if they could not be bothered to come see him at his birth or celebrate him in the womb then why would they come celebrate his one year birthday?

So now I am  nine paragraphs in and the sadness is coming over me as I remember being so hurt and still being hurt by this.  I want to celebrate my kids and I want to have people around me celebrating them too.  It really stings that I do not have those people.  That I do not matter

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Bah Humbug

I am grouchy.  I guess I have a right to be, but I wish I was not so grouchy.  Women should get a very nice gift for having babies.  I don't think men understand just what happens to us during pregnancy.  There are physical changes for sure and men can see those.  There are also emotional and psychological changes that no one can see or understand.  Perhaps other pregnant women can come pretty close, but each of us is different and different things will happen to each of us.  What bothers you may not bother me and so on.

I leaned toward another and husband leaned toward no more.  We sort of idled there for a long time.  I'm not sure how it was decided to go forward with a third child.  I think we sort of just went for it.  There was a moment early on when I thought it was not going to happen and I was so sad.  I thought that was my only chance and it was gone.  Little did I know there was no need for tears.  Now when I have moments of "what have we done?" I look back on that time to remember that yes, I did want this.

It's hard though.  My body is, changing more than I expected or wanted it to.  Let's just say there is a whole lot more of me than there ever has been.  I'm sure things will go back to normal eventually, but it has caught me off guard how disappointed I am.  I still have more to pack on and cannot imagine getting bigger. 

It isn't only about a number on the scale.  My fingers and toes feel like sausages.  Tight and pudgy.  My knees don't bend nearly as much as they used to.  My feet hurt.  My hips feel as though my legs are tearing apart from the rest of me.  It is difficult to walk with my sausage legs and aching hips.  My back isn't so great either.  I am tired.  All. The. Time.  I tried to nap today and the other kids kept coming in a talking to me.  I am hungry, but the things that sound good are only adding to that stupid number on the scale.  It's hot and I want ice cream, but sure, water will do fine.  Bleh.  I'm tired of drinking water.  I have to use the bathroom every twenty minutes.

There are things I like too.  I hate to sound like I hate everything.  Baby moves and it feels so weird and neat at the same time.  Baby gets the hiccups and then wiggles.  If I rub my belly, baby will push out near my hand.  I like to try to push on the knobby things and see if I can figure out which part of baby I'm poking on. 

There is also a lot of stress and a little depression and some weariness.  I've always told newly pregnant ladies to enjoy the first pregnancy to the fullest.  You will never be pregnant for the first time again.  It goes without saying, but the second, third and each one after will never be quite as thrilling.  No one dotes on you.  No one treats you special.  You still have to walk on your sausage legs through the grocery store. Sure, husband has helped tremendously, but it's not the same as it was with the first. 

Both boys are headed to school in a few weeks.  I would have been home alone.  Free to get a job or do more house things.  I can't do much now.  Even though babies sleep, I won't be able to do much.  I just keep feeling like I made a huge mistake.  One we will love and care for the rest of our lives, but a mistake.  I think that's normal.  I remember having doubts with both the boys.  Not that I would trade them for anything, but there was doubt I could be a good mom, that we would mess up, that it wasn't really supposed to be like it was. 

Wow.  I'm really a positive person here.  I guess writing some of this down makes me feel better.  I'm not sure where else to put it.  I think it's time for bed.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Almost to 32. What about You?

OK.  So we are at T minus 8 weeks and a couple days.  I am not freaked out.  Not totally anyway.  I constantly think about the nursery even though there really isn't too much to do.  I wonder if people will get us stuff or we should just go to Target and drop a fortune.  I am trying to pace myself.  There is no hurry until baby is here and we know more about him/her. Specifically the him/her part.  I have two nurseries in mind depending on the gender of baby.  I can get some stuff, but they are not the same so for most of it I have to wait.

I need to do some planning.  Just so I remember here are things I want to look into.

Make meal plans and even make some frozen meals so we can just defrost something when we are all tired and starving.

Make chore lists for the kids.  Figure out what a 5 and almost 8 year old can do and make lists so they just pick something each day.  I figure they can spend 5-15 minutes of their lives helping the family out a bit.  Put away laundry, run the vacuum and other little helpful things.

Make a homework chart.  I know neither of them will have real homework, but we like to have them practice.  I'd like a space set up where all their supplies live and they can easily do this.

Make a list of things around the house that HAVE to be done before baby.

Go on some sort of vacation.  Husband is working on this and I think we have something planned.

What am I forgetting?  Oh yes.  Coffee Bar Prep.  Make sure we have tons of supplies and who is getting what, when.

I would also like a massage and to color my hair.  Those are not top priorities, but would be lovely all the same.

This makes me feel better.  I like to have a plan.  Making a plan will make me happier.  Yes.  I think this will work.

Monday, April 15, 2013

This Roller Coaster Called Life

Being pregnant changes several things.  The first and most obvious is my body.  It changes almost daily.  Another is my wardrobe to accommodate that changing body.  My tastes have changed too.  Some things that used to be delicious are just OK now or even yucky. 

I would say one of the biggest changes is hormonal.  I'm not sure how much your levels change or even which ones change, I just know I am not the same "me" I was.  I have horrible fears, mostly related to my kids and the new baby.  Will baby have Downs?  Will it have all it's limbs?  Will it be blind?  Will it....?  These are all fears I cannot control other than to eat a healthy diet and do the best I can to be healthy. 

Today my fear has been driven in a new direction.  There were multiple bombings in Boston.  At the famous marathon.  There have been fatalities and many injuries.  People that had finished the race or were waiting for loved ones to finish or even just watching were injured.  Blown up. 

Is there a shrink machine?  I want to shrink my kids and put them in protective bubbles and then keep them in my pocket forever.  I realize this has its flaws, but for now I don't want to take them anywhere.  We went to a baseball game yesterday and now I kind of want to throw up.  What if some lunatic blew up a baseball game? 

There are no safe places.  We up security at airports and events and say we are fighting a war on violence.  We are not.  We are throwing a band-aid on a severed wound.  I'm not sure you can stop every nut from committing evil, though I would like to.  There are probably dozens/hundreds of attempts that are stopped each day that we really do not hear about.  It's the ones no one expects that take the breath out of you.  Can I put my kids on the school bus and not worry?  Can we go to the zoo?  Where can we go? 

I will not stop living life because something may happen.  An airplane could fall on my house or a tornado can hit it.  There is no where to go.  I can only pray that what is meant to be will be.  I can only live the life I have as best I can while I can.  I can only teach my kids that we make the most of today because we are not promised tomorrow.  Sure, we make plans.  I have a plan to have a baby in another four and a half months. 

There is nothing I can do to guarantee any of it.  I accept that.  Yes, I use caution.  I try to get the kids to use caution, but I won't freeze and wait.  I do pray for the lunatics of the World.  I pray that they are stopped, somehow thwarted for one more day.  That folks can run a marathon and reach goals and live life without senseless violence ending it.

Thursday, November 01, 2012

Day 24 - Come and Gone.

So I'm done with the 24 day challenge.  I'm torn.  I lost about 2 lbs and about 5 inches.  Honestly I was expecting more based on other peoples results.  Not realistic, but still.  What did I gain?  Well, I ate really healthy for 24 days.  I drank a lot of water.  I even exercised once or twice.  So I think it was a good start.  A start to what?  A healthier life. 

I feel sick when I drink soda now.  I really want it and I miss it, but it doesn't taste the same to me.  I want candy too, but those make me feel yucky too.  Some things I can do, like lattes and some cookies.  I try to not over-indulge though. 

I have the supplies to do another challenge.  I think I may do one soon just so I can keep the healthy wheels turning.  I think having the structure of the challenge helps me not eat outside of what is good for me. 

The other challenge I faced was going to Disney World during the last week of the challenge.  It was hard to find things that fit into what I needed.  I did the best I could and didn't beat myself up over the rest.  I ate dessert.  I ate a hot dog.  Nothing too outrageous, but things I will try not to have everyday.  I like my Chai tea in the evenings and my oatmeal in the morning.  I'm not sure giving either up would do me any good.  Those keep me happy. 

Anyway, I'm trying to be better.  No.  I am being better.  I'm not trying anymore.  Trying gives me the option to stop or fail.  Doing it means I keep going even if there are setbacks.  Go me!

Friday, October 12, 2012

Still...nothing.

OK.  Here we are at day 14.  Anything different?  Not really.  Sure I'm still eating pretty well, but nothing else is much different.  What is wrong with me? 

I have never been one to get the exercise high.  I get tired and sweaty.  I guess it's OK, but if you really want to stick with something I think it should do more than just make you tired.  It would be nice if I at least enjoyed it.  I've been trying to just do it anyway knowing it is good for me.  I'm not fond of it though.

I did have unrealistic expectations.  I had them based on what other people have experienced.  Why do I have to be different?  I don't know, but I apparently am.  I keep hearing awesome numbers and mine pretty much suck.  Maybe I'm doing it wrong?  I'm eating lots of protein, veggies and fruit.  Is that wrong?  I guess it's not fish everyday, but jeez. 

So now we leave tomorrow and I am going to spend my wonderful vacation the same as I always am only eating healthy and still not getting anywhere.  I will skip the cookies, ice cream and other lovely foods in favor of protein bars, fruit and water.  Blah.  At the end of this I will be pretty much the same as I was.  Should I be happy I didn't get worse?  Probably, but that wasn't my goal. 

I am so grumpy.  I think I need to go to bed early tonight.  My mood is foul.  Not exactly how I want to be on the eve of the happiest place on earth.

Thursday, October 04, 2012

Sloth

So...I'm on day six of eating healthy.  I don't feel better.  I guess I don't feel worse either, but for sure no better.  Am I dreaming?  Would it only take 6 days of no sugar, soda, bread, milk and whatever else to feel better? 

This afternoon I went for a walk and then had to take a 45 minute nap.  Is that normal?  Surely I should be able to stand on my feet for an hour without sleeping like a hibernating bear.

More protein?  More water?  More what? 

We are leaving for a vacation in 9 days.  I would like to enjoy it all day long, not just until noon when I feel like passing out.  I'm sure that will be thrilling for my kids.  Hey kids eat your breakfast quick cuz mommy only has three hours before she can't see straight and has to lie down.

Why is this so awful to me?  You would think eating as many vegetables and drinking as much water as I have would kick start a body into high efficiency.  Nope.  I have to pee more, but that's about it so far.

I guess I had high hopes.  Unrealistically high hopes.  Now that I realize it isn't changing me into some super active, healthy gal I'm disappointed.  Maybe? 

OK, confession time.  I ate a cookie the other day.  ONE cookie.  Did that really mess me up?  I don't think so.  It was yummy too.  The universe is lucky I didn't inhale the earth and eat everything in site.  One cookie.  Can you believe that?  Six days.  Over 600 ounces of water.  Vegetables.  Fruit.  Oatmeal.  Ugh. 

Sidenote:  Why do we spell ugh u-g-h instead of u-h-g?  Whatever.

Slow and steady, one step above unmoving and asleep.