Feeling Not So Fine

I do not know what it is about me, but there must be something.  I just do not fit.  Maybe it is being a square peg in a world of round, but I can't find square anything.

So a couple years ago we had new flooring installed in our house.  I like the flooring, but we had several problems along the way.  The biggest was a manager that was hard to get a hold of and hard to get to do anything.  I thought everyone has these problems, but I do hear about people getting work done and it goes fine.

I wanted to hire a general handyman type guy to do some work.  Never called me back.  I think it was a month later he finally got around to talking to me about it.  By then we'd gone another way.  Friends I know use the same guy and he gets their stuff done quick as can be.

So now I'm in the process of remodeling my house and I've tried to hire two separate decorator type people.  Neither will get back with me.  I haven't paid any money yet, but we haven't made it even that far.  I need to paint this weekend and no idea of what color to pick.  I just wanted someone to help me create a vision for my home space.  Even if they just gave me some ideas so I knew what I did NOT want would be helpful.

What is it?  Why can't I get help?  Why can't someone listen to me, spend some time with me or just give a damn about me for just a little bit?  I feel very unlovable in this.  Why do I go to the same hair stylist and get some old lady haircut while someone my age gets a cute cut?  Why am I an old lady?  Why am I left out?

I've been super frustrated for a few weeks now trying to be patient, trying to stay calm and most importantly, trying not to be upset about it all.  Other people have things happening in their lives and I understand that.  I just want a turn.  Not even a long turn.  You can have the attention back  just as soon as I figure out what color to paint everything.

Tomorrow, the sun will shine even if I can't see it.  It will be a new day.  There will be new things happening.  Right now, though, I'm low.

It Really Is A New Year

Most of you don't understand this photo.  Sure, it's a picture of my hand wearing my wedding rings.  Lovely.

Here is what you are missing.

Years.  It has been years since I've been able to get my rings on my finger.  It's been just a bit too fat for a loooong time.  I think maybe I could wear it before my last child was conceived, which was at least five years ago.  I think it's been longer though.  For most of that time I have worn other rings.  Rings that were cheap or ones I found at Target.  Nothing too fancy.  I started to wear a ring my husband gave me nine years ago instead.  It's a nice ring, but not my wedding ring.  I didn't know how much weight I would have to lose to get it back on.  I couldn't seem to stick with any diet or exercise plan long enough.  If anything I got worse.

So what changed?

My kids.

We have gone Gluten and Dairy Free for them.  We are trying a program to help with some behavior issues and one of the facets is the GF/DF diet.  We were willing to try anything.  Even though I had been slowly eliminating processed foods and sugar we hadn't committed to a super clean eating way of life.  The week after Thanksgiving we took the plunge.  I cleaned out the kitchen and replaced everything.  We've eaten out at a restaurant once since then.  We've gone to friends houses for dinner, but usually eat before or after as there aren't many choices for us.  We know.  We took food to our family Christmas celebration.  The kids dearly missed the fluffy rolls that were served, but otherwise we managed a solid meal of ham, mashed potato, green beans and Jell-O.  I made some brownies that were pretty awesome too.

Some of it has been pretty easy and some has been hard.  The kids miss things, but I've found substitutes for some things.  There are times it's pretty awkward too.  The kids go to a book club that serves donuts and juice.  They take their own GF/DF donuts with them.  Odd yes, but they still get to enjoy the event and the donuts are pretty good.

I am awake now.  Before I was always so foggy and sleepy.  I could sleep most of the day and still sleep at night.  My alarm goes off now and I'm up.  I rarely need a nap and only if I'm sick.  I have more energy.  I'm happier too.  Not being tired all the time has freed up more of me to deal with tantrums and fits with a bit more grace.  I choose happiness.  I was getting to be so negative and depressed.

The second thing I noticed was my Fitbit band getting looser.  I would joke that it's great to be losing weight in my wrist.  I guess I'm slowly losing in my fingers too, because when I tried my rings on today, they fit!

There is still a long road ahead, but this is the best encouragement I could get.