Raining. Pouring. Just Go Ahead and Kick Me

Good grief. Charlie Brown seems to have it right. For several weeks there was nothing pressing to do. Life sort of moved at a snail pace. Then. I got sick. After that it seems there is no stopping anything. There was little down time today as I drove from place to place taking care of business. Several hundred dollars later things have been put in order. So what now? A yeast infection. TMI anyone? Suck it.

So. This happens to me when I take antibiotics. I forget every time. Or at least, in my fever induced haze I forget to ask when the medicine I'm taking to make me better is going to do to me. Just kick me while I'm down, no?

I think if I had time to think about things too much I would be depressed. As it is, there are things to do and places to go so I don't have a lot of time to dwell. I guess that's good.

The job situation is not going well. I basically missed the Holiday hiring because I was not willing to work evenings and weekends. At least I wasn't willing to work all of them. One or two would have been okay. So now what? I'm not sure. I think I have a job at a seasonal place, but it's been sort of a weird ride and I'm not sure if I actually have a job or if I'm just still in the running. There is another option, but the more time that passes the more I think it's not going to work out at all.

I'm learning I have very high standards when it comes to manners. I guess I'm willing to slide on some things, but if I say I will call at a certain time I will. Especially if it was a business deal. As in, the boss was supposed to call me between 1 and 2 and at 5 something they finally leave me a message saying they are busy. Really? I didn't get that from the not calling. It doesn't give me much faith in the business that certain aspects of it are run so loose. Bottom line is I'm not holding my breath.

A 9 I Tell You!

Doctor said it's Strep. On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst he has seen, I'm a 9. So glad I can excel at something. He gave me a super antibiotic shot, follow up pills and steroids. Mama's going to be high for a while. I do feel better. I managed to eat some toast for dinner. Actually, this is the best diet. All I've had today is a cup of jello and a piece of toast. Let the pounds drop. Yeah, right. Once my throat shrinks to normal size I am EATING. I am so hungry, but the pain of swallowing is just not worth it.

I miss my kids. I have been staying away from them as much as possible so I don't get them sick too. I missed volleyball tonight too. I'm missing all sorts of good stuff. Why is it when we most need to get things done we get wiped out like this? I guess it's really when I need the most rest.

Still sick. I have a lot to do and no time to be out.

Home. Sick. Going to bed. Stories to come. Goodnight.

Children screaming. Adults wiped out. Still eating too much.

Ate a bunch. Played games. Family is crazy.

At my sisters. Good food. Played cards. Peanut up too late. More family tomorrow. More food. I will be more fat.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Over the River and Through the Woods

I sent my oldest child off with Grandma today. This is the first time he will spend the night there without us. I'm nervous. I think everything will go perfectly lovely, but my mother raised kids a while ago and things have changed. My kid is unique and I'm not sure she will appreciate that. He talks, a lot. If you can go with the flow it can be amusing. Anything less and it's annoying. He likes to make decisions. I think she is more of a here you go kind of person, where he would rather get some options. Maybe the fun of being on an adventure will overrule any problems.

I am also concerned about him sleeping. He had a rough night last night and I hope that doesn't affect him tonight.

In other news, the house is quiet. The little one is still glued to me, but is sleeping now. Husband is off playing soccer so it's really just me, typing away. Click, clack. Moo.

So, tomorrow we are off to my sister's house. It will be overwhelming to say the least, but hopefully we have a good time. We'll be having a birthday party as well so that should mix things up a bit.

I Want Mommy

I guess it's true about kids wanting mommy. Peanut was crying and Husband ran up to his room. Everything was quiet so I hung back for a minute. After about two or maybe three minutes I went up to see what was happening. Peanut was sitting on the edge of his bed laughing hysterically. I'm not sure he was awake. We tried talking to him, but it didn't phase him. He just kept laughing. He had also wet his pants. I started to take off his wet clothes and the laughing turned to crying. With only his pajama top on he went to sit on daddy's lap. I started to make the bed and clean the wet spot on the floor.

Daddy was sitting in the chair with Peanut on his lap and the comforter wrapped around them. He wasn't saying much but was clearly exhausted. As I was making the bed Peanut started to whimper and reach for me. Daddy and I switched places. I asked him if he was hurt as he occasionally wakes up with leg pains or cramps. He nodded that something hurt, but couldn't tell me or point to what it was. Finally, I figured he had a bad dream so I asked and he nodded. I asked if that made him feel yucky and again he nodded. I guess he didn't know how to say he was bummed out because of his dream.

I started talking about our upcoming family gathering and how fun it would be to see all the family. He seemed to perk up a bit at the idea of Thanksgiving and seeing everyone. He doesn't know it yet, but he gets to go home with Grandma tomorrow to spend the night there. I think he will be wild with excitement. It's still a secret so I just told how much fun the other stuff would be. He promptly fell asleep on me. We did manage to get the rest of his pajamas on before all that so at least all I had to do was get him in bed. That was no small task since he weighs a ton and a half when asleep. Plus he was wrapped up in the comforter so I couldn't really get him in bed with the covers straight. Oh well.

Sleep well baby. Sweet dreams. I am very thankful we had something fun coming up to cheer him up. Poor guy.

Bruiser

We went to a birthday party today. Peanut was dressed at Superman and looked great. It was a come as your favorite Super Hero kind of party. It was pretty neat as the parents went all out for decorations and such.

Anyway, most of the others had left and a few of us were in the back yard playing soccer, football and Frisbee. Next thing you know Peanut is crying little tears of blood from his right eye. Don't panic, it was just a drop or maybe two. The clear tears were plentiful. We finally got some of the story. The other kid threw the Frisbee at Peanut and it hit him in the eye. It was sort of a big Nerf thing, but I think the kid was really close and he can throw quite hard. So, his eye is all puffy and red. I think we'll call the eye doctor tomorrow just to make sure no lasting damage was done.

He and I? Me and Him? Us. Together.

I got to spend some one on one time with Peanut today. I had some errands to do and he wanted to go with me. Little did I know he really should have stayed home to nap. Oh well. He stayed happy until just before bedtime. That's when he started to lose his marbles. We went to a little craft fair and Walmart. He did great. I forget how entertaining he is. He is always talking, asking questions and telling me stories. Basically, the kid never stops talking. As long as he is happy it's cute. Once he is cranky it gets tiring.

He got to see Santa today. He wants a skateboard and a scooter. Santa said those were fun things and gave him a candy cane. Yah. I'm not sure what I would say to a four year old asking for those things. The kid is not really all that coordinated either. He has fallen down just standing there. I guess they have to learn things sometime. We'll see what happens.

Tomorrow is a friends birthday party. The theme is the Justice League. Peanut will be Superman. I'm not sure about SF. I guess I didn't plan anything for him. We do have a Batman outfit though. Maybe he can wear that.

Crafty

I like to think I am a creative person. However, I really just have good intentions. There is a craft fair this weekend and I somehow volunteered to make some things to sell. The items are not difficult to make, just tedious. After the first few I was tired of making them. So I didn't make very many things and I feel guilty about it. I'm not even sure people will buy any of it. I'm not sure what to think.

Now that I step back and look at some of the things, they look really nice. I wish I would have concentrated and made more. Guilt.

I hate guilt. It's such an awful feeling to be so aware of how you messed up. No one else is to blame and when you realize that, blerg, it feels yucky.

It was lovely today to be free from the children and get some things done. I couldn't really focus on any one thing because I felt like I had to do so much. Then when I got SF the teacher said he wasn't feeling well. Guilt Strikes Again!! I sent him back because he seemed OK. No fever for a few days, eating OK, pooping OK, sleeping OK. Then she said he didn't eat much, didn't nap and had loose poops. Great. She must think I'm oblivious to my own childs sickness. Guilt. I felt so bad. I hope we can perk him up this weekend. Next week promises to be quite busy.

Wall-E Was On

Movie and television day at our house. Had lunch with Husband and will have date with him once sitter gets here.

Posting everyday really brings out the trivial details. I wish I had time to sit and write something amazing. I wish I had something amazing to write about. I'll work on that.

Tomorrow is a school day for both kids. Good golly I'm ready for it. My last me day was last Friday and I'm starting to feel it. I really do need time for me to fully function. Too bad I have a list of projects to work on. Oh well. At least I can get stuff done and feel like a contributing member of society.

It is Cold and Wet

Rain, rain, go away. Or just turn into snow already. But please don't be a sheet of ice.

I like heated seats in my car. I like hot/warm drinks.

My brain is full. I think I need to be done for the day. SF is still kind of sick and for sure clingy so it's been a tiring day. Tomorrow is going to be movie day at our house. We shall wear pajamas and watch television and movies. Perhaps I'll even make popcorn.

It was supposed to be a fun night tomorrow, but I think that has been cancelled. I'm not sure. I'm never sure. None of my conversations ever seem to get resolved. I'm getting tired of living with uncertainty.

Good Night Peanut. Good Night SweetFace. I love you both.

Tis the Season

This time of year starts to suck the money out of our bank account faster than, well, some money sucking thing. Anyway, once October hits we have many birthdays and Holidays that seem to cost a lot.

October has two birthdays.
November has four birthdays, plus money for food at Thanksgiving.
December has one birthday plus all the gifts. We have family, immediate friends, Church groups, Moms groups, business groups, school teachers (both kids this year) and also donation gifts (Toys for Tots, etc.).

Even if you allow only $5 for each person we're still going to hit over $300 easily. So what to do. Well. This year I'm making lots of things. Supplies were purchased several months ago to spread out the cost through the year instead of focusing on December. I don't plan to make too many food gifts as I don't want to have to eat jars of cookies. I think instead I'll do coffee or hot chocolate or hot punch and a nice set of mugs. The dollar store has some nice ones as does Walmart. I picked up three for a dollar each at Walmart. I can make gallons of punch for less than $10. I'm also going to make homemade ornaments for folks. They are really cute too.

So anyway, my suggestion if you have lots of gifts to get is to make what you can, buy inexpensive items you know they want/will like. I have a friend that would kill for a gift card to Quicktrip. Even just a $5 card will make that person happy. I'd rather give what they really want than to spend $30 on a sweater they may never wear. It's the thought.

Here is what I want for Christmas...

I want new tennis shoes, new volleyball shoes, a hand chopper thing (I need to find a link - too lazy now) or a gift card to Starbucks. $3.25 for a white chocolate mocha is too rich for me. I use the Swiss Miss stuff you can mix with milk. It's no where near the same, but it's cheap and pretty good. I would also really, really, really like a job.

Random

Baby sick. 101.4 Big one seems OK so far. I am tired. Lot's of holding a heavy boy today.

I have applied at so many jobs I no longer remember where I have applied. Please, someone hire me.

I am running out of time to complete the projects I am working on. I think I'm going to have to pick on and finish the rest later. That's not too bad. I'll see whose birthday is coming up next and the one that is last gets their project finished. Or we can have Christmas sometime in July.

Insurance plans are confusing. I need a diagram or something. All the plans are sort of pukey, but which one is the least pukey? Not sure. Flip a coin?

Snow? Seems like it could be happening very soon. I'll make Hot Punch.

And the Chiefs Won

I like playing volleyball. I wish I were better at it though. The mistakes I make are usually so stupid. Maybe it's an alertness issue? I think if I would start exercising a bit other than once a week I would be better athletically. Oh well. I'm glad I get to play each week. I do hope I still get to play on Monday too. That league is more challenging and fun too.

We had a nice day relaxing and not doing much. Grandpa was here in the morning and the boys played with him for quite a while. After he left we had lunch and round one of naps. After that we played Wii with the boys. That was actually a lot of fun. Husband and Peanut were a team and SF and I were a team. SF mostly wandered around the room playing, but he occasionally sat next to me. All in all it was a good day.

Happy MBA

The event for today went well. We have tons of food and will be eating lunch meat for the rest of our lives. Oh well. I'll put it in the freezer. The cake turned out good too. Homemade chocolate cake. Yum! Lots of people came and hung out with Husband. He had a great time.

On a side note...If you have a couple of 4 year olds playing downstairs with no one but a 9 year old to watch, trouble is coming. It was really quiet and the 9 year old came up to ask if they should be getting wet. We found the bathroom flooded. The whole story has not yet spilled out, but my theory is they plugged the sink and kept the water going. Instead of pulling the plug they just splashed the water everywhere. All the walls are soaked, the floor and some seeped out to the next room. Lucky for them it is a tile floor. Also, it was in the basement so it's not too big a deal. Oh well. I can't believe the older child didn't know that was a bad idea. Oh well.

Next project is to find a job.

Things To Do

Cleaned the house.
Bought groceries.
Bought other things.
Made, ate and cleaned up dinner.
Bathed kids.
Watching Harry Potter #4.

Tomorrow:

Clean toilets.
Prepare food.
Bake cake.
Buy ice.
Entertain.

Very Much Like Monica

So I am getting panicky about the event this weekend. Everything will be OK, because I am good in these situations. I plan, I prepare and things turn out fine. I invited several people and have not heard back from several of those several people. I know they are coming, but it really irks me they have not at least mentioned they are coming. You with me?

A while ago a friend of mine asked me if I was a perfectionist. Have I told this story? Anyway, I did not think it was true, but it is in some ways. One of those ways is if I plan an event I have a mental movie image of how things should look and play out. The reality is...it won't happen that way. That is OK. It's just hard to be loose and relaxed about it. I mean, we could just order a dozen pizza and some beer from the local market and be fine. That isn't what I wanted though. That isn't the look and feel I want to pull off. If I had my way, the house would be renovated first, but the line must be drawn somewhere.

Tomorrow is preparation day. I will be cleaning, planning and preparing. I'm tired now and I will be more tired on Saturday evening about 8:00 pm.

*Yes, Monica from Friends.

Click, I Took Some Pics

We saw this at the River Walk in San Antonio several years ago. What is the caution for? I have no idea. It seems like a lot of cones and tape for no obvious sign of danger. Is the sidewalk cracked, chipped or loose? No. Maybe it's the cone in the middle that's a danger. Maybe that one has been causing trouble. Maybe it's an outcast in the cone community. The other four are like prison guards making sure no one gets near it. OR. Maybe it's so important it needs a guard. The other four are more like the secret service keeping us away from it to protect it. It doesn't want us to touch it. Still a mystery after 5 years.

I took these at Keystone Colorado. We stopped to watch the snow boarders go over these huge jumps. I put the Sun behind the tree and the camera on super sport mode. I think they look kind of cool. If I had some photo shop skills I bet they could look really cool. This trip was way before we had kids, but I think it might have been the last time we've been skiing or snowboarding. I miss it. I hope we can go soon.

Day 10

I keep trying to find some interesting pictures to post. Not much is grabbing out at me.

This one is a beautiful church somewhere near Eureka Springs. We stopped on an anniversary trip in early 2005. I was pregnant with oldest and it was sort of our last no kids trip. I remember finding a great restaurant sort of located in nowhere that had a really good seafood pasta dish. Of course I didn't order it, husband did, but he was kind enough to share with me.

I can't seem to figure out how to post multiple pictures. I'll save the others for another day.

Age to Age

I saw a cute kid tonight. I asked the lady holding him how old he was. She sort of stared at me a minute then said "he was born in June". OK. The lady seemed to be some sort of grandmother. I am not sure if it was his or not, but he seemed good with her holding him. I guess the pause and stare was to give her time to figure his age. She couldn't do it so she said June. That makes the kid 4 or 5 months old depending on when he was born in June. The kid was huge. Sitting up. Looking at me like he wanted a sandwich. I'm not sure she was right about the month. Maybe mammy got confused. Oh well.

My mother gets my birthday wrong. All my life it's been the 16th, but she'll call on the 15th or 17th to wish me happy birthday and then is surprised when I say she is early or late. Something you want to tell me?

Anytime someone asks the birth date of my kids I have to stop and think. I always want to give the current year as the birth year. I forget how fast time flies.

Snuggle Bunny

When oldest was a baby he used to sleep on us all the time. If ever he was tired all you had to do was lay him on your chest and bam, asleep. When he doesn't feel well he wants to snuggle. Just before he goes to sleep at night he wants to snuggle.

We've had trouble getting him to rest in the afternoons. I know, a four year old that doesn't nap? What's that about? Anyway, he is tired. He wills himself to stay up late and get up early. He is grumpy all day long.

Today he is resting on top of his father. They are both tired from being up at 4:30 am and off and on from then. So they are resting together. It's either brilliant or a terrible idea. One of two things will happen. They will both sleep or at least rest and mission accomplished. OR...oldest will wiggle, squirm and chatter until husband is driven nuts and starts yelling. It is too early to tell. Right now they look cute snuggled in bed together.

Little Stuff

I am worn out.

Just took a nice nap.

Family is outside. I'm not quite ready to reunite with them. It is nice to have some peaceful time in the middle of a storm. The kids have been touchy lately. I think they are not sleeping enough. How do we get them more?

I need a job. Do you know of one? Nothing too fancy, but some income would be lovely. I have applied many places. Hearing 'no' a lot. Not even a "sorry, but no" or "no thank you". Just 'no'. I have hope though. Something will come.

I am nervous about something. Excited, but nervous. I can't talk about it just yet. Things seem to be coming together, but who knows until the minute it happens.

Sorry, this is kind of a weak post. I don't have much to say as I am in wait and see mode.

Woof

Meet the children. At least, they were the children before we had the human kind. If you can't tell their size from the picture the one on the left is about 55 lbs and the one on the right is about 70lbs. They are inside dogs and always have been. They spend most of the day outside, but sleep inside. In the old house, before kids, they were allowed all over the house. At night they slept on doggie beds in our bedroom. Once in a while in winter they got to sleep on the bed with us. This never lasted too long as we ran out of room or got tired of a paw in our back. In this house they stay downstairs. They still have the doggie beds, but no more snuggling on the bed. Occasionally when we go downstairs to watch a movie they come lay on the couch by us. They are still good dogs, just not "the children" anymore.

Things I Want to Do

Go to Italy.
Remodel my bathroom.
Lose 10 pounds.
Replace all the carpeting.
Build a new deck.
Go snow skiing.
Take my boys to all 50 states.
Vacation with my husband - and not the kids.
Buy all new Christmas decorations.
Get a new computer.
Go to Hawaii.
Landscape.
Not kill the plants.
Teach the boys to swim.
Go to the bathroom alone.
Grow my hair (why do I always cut it so short?)
Get a job.
Go on another cruise.
Buy all new clothes.
Teach my boys about faith.
Donate $10,000.
Take a week long nap.
Finish all my creative projects.

Out of The Mouth

Child: What was your bad day?
Adult: Some folks were mean today.
C: Someone was mean to you?
A: Not mean to me, but folks were mean to each other.

C: Did they steal your milk?

Through the eyes of a child. All things are boiled down to the simplest ideas. Someone was mean - that's not nice.

O and Her Big Mouth

So the other day I was watching television (original I know) and saw Oprah. Patrick Swayze's wife was on talking about her life with Patrick. She seemed way too OK talking about all sorts of personal things. I started to tear up a bit when she was talking about his last days and watching him die. I am sure they expected this from the day they got the diagnosis, but still, after 34 years you don't even tear up?

So anyway, O keeps asking her questions, but never lets her answer much.

Oprah: "So, tell us what his last days were like"
Patrick Swayze's non-crying Wife: "He was OK"
O: "Was he in pain?"
PSncW: "Not really-
O: "Because I would think the end would be hard, very painful"
PSncW: "He had the drugs to -
O: "Did you talk with him about dying, God and all that other scary stuff"
PSncW: "The drugs knocked him out"
O: "Did you feel him leave this World"
PSncW: "I've felt animals leave when they died -
O: "You were so close I wonder if he felt he could leave you"
PSncW: "
O: "blah blah blah...I want to talk"

Every interview goes like this. She asks a question and then right as the person is ready to answer she interjects with what she thinks. Shut up already. I get you want to seem empathetic. It's annoying. Ask the question, then shut it.

Not that I watch that often, but it is a bit taxing.

All Saints Day

Sometimes you need a reality check. All Saints Day. So many people have done and are doing great things. Would you have the courage to hide and free slaves? Would you be stoned to death for the sins of others? What about in today's world? Could you stand up to a corporation that was breaking the law? Could you stand up for someone different from you?

I like to think I am open to everyone and I do not have a prejudice, but that is not true on every level. Sure I think women and men, white and black are all equal, but what about a convict that has served his/her sentence? Would I trust them? I hear you. It depends on the crime, blah, blah.

Anyway, could you do the right thing even if it is hard? I admire the ones that have and still do.

Boo

The boys had a great time last night. SF was Tigger and was so cute. His bright orange outfit was easy to see even in the dark. He loved carrying his pumpkin bucket and got upset if you tried to help carry. He did great and even managed to say thank you a few times. P was Optimus Prime and had a ball. He kept announcing the number of candies he had in his bag. "I have Five-ty eight" "I got one hundred eighty-none twenty-four". He was tired at the end. After our friends left I put him to bed. I am pretty sure he was asleep before I left the room.

Now we have tons of candy and mommy and daddy let them only have a couple pieces a day. It might last until next year. Oh well.

Who Knew?

I asked for help. Finally I got tired of how things are and I asked a friend to point me in the right direction. She met with me and we talked and she pointed out a few things. At first I did not believe it. After thinking about it, though, it is all true. Seeing it now I think I can change it. I just hope it does not take years, but it will take time.

Who knew I was so messed up? I just thought it was everyone else. What is wrong with all of them? Now, I know it was me and they were never going to measure up to my ridiculous standards. They are not the problem. I am. Now I can get to work making some changes.

I Hope

Hearing of someone else having a much worse time than you really puts things in perspective. I have been sort of wallowing in my life lately and today I got a new view. There were several people that had very serious things happening in their lives. They are not just getting tired of doing laundry, tired of doing the dishes or tired of vacuuming. They are worried about loved ones dying, children living too short lives, friends turning their backs. It just does not compare. Sure, my troubles are mine, and to me, maybe they are worth getting a little grumpy over. There are so many more things that could be wrong. I am thankful so much is right.

A good friend of mine has been down for a while. Today she was kicked while she was down. I won't share her story here, but I hope to share it in real life. I hope to be there to hold her hand if she needs. I hope to take her a nice meal to keep up her strength. I hope to hear the good news that things have turned around.

I believe things are the way they are for a reason. There is something learn or know or experience. There are several situations that I hope have been taught, shown or lived and things can turn around and move to a positive light. The time will come and I hope it's soon.

Summer of '09

This is a summer of firsts for Peanut. He got to have S'mores at a friends house. He got to watch and help do some fireworks and something else I can't remember right now. He has really been having fun.

The fireworks have been the newest thing since the 4th was just yesterday. Thursday some of the neighbor kids were shooting some off and we walked to the end of the block to watch. One of the dads let him have a sparkler. He wasn't sure what to do at first, but his friend A was there and showed him how. A is five so he knows how a sparkler is done. Anyway, it was cute watching him with the older boys. He, at 3 1/2 is the youngest of the bunch. I would guess most of them are between 7 and 10. They are all very nice to him. They talk to him and help him out with things. It's wonderful. They don't treat him like a little kid. Maybe his size has something to do with it, but I'm glad they seem to accept him.

Friday we had some friends over for dinner and Peanut got to see a few more fireworks at our house. He and J did several boxes of those little snappers and sparklers. Husband and his buddy J shot of some simple things. It was a nice evening, especially since I got to hold baby S for a while. He's just one month old. So cute! Saturday we went to see more friends and Peanut got to play with his other friend A. They did really great. Usually they have a few squabbles, but last night they played for hours. I put Sweetface to bed and the adults got to play a game for a while. I hated to leave, but it was getting late.

All in all summer has been good to us so far. We've only been to the pool a couple times, but now that it's warmer we can go more often. It's hard to go by myself with the two kids, but if we go right when Husband gets home from work we have about an hour or so to play. That's plenty.

Edited: I remembered the other thing. He got to go to Coldstone to order his first ice cream. Chocolate Jello Pudding ice cream with Marshmallows. Yum!

I Think I am Doing it Wrong

I don't get the exercise high people talk about. I work out and sweat, but after it's over I just want to take a nap. Perhaps after I do it for a few days (weeks?) it will get better. Right now it feels like a lot of effort.

Our family has been trying to move to a healthier place. We eat out too much and eat meals made from a box too often. I've been buying fresh fruits and vegetables and once in a while we've been eating them. We have also switched to eating more Organic items. The downside is that you don't see instant results. This will really have more of a long-term affect on us. That's OK. The kids are young and have long lives to live. I would rather they be long healthy lives.

Posting has been pretty light. I have not had much to say and still don't really. I am trying to find my place right now. Both kids go to daycare a couple days a week so I have some time for me. I've been worn out and resting mostly, but trying to start some projects. My energy level has been pretty low.

The Memories are Sweet

Tomorrow. One year ago almost to the minute I was preparing for my last good nights sleep. Husband was home from class and we were discussing the pros and cons of not going to the hospital the night before the induction. He said we could sleep good for one more night. It was close to 11 pm and finally we brushed teeth and went to bed. Only an hour later I snapped out of my dream saying "uh oh" and then saying it again a minute later as I was finally wide awake. My water broke. I grabbed a towel off the floor and ran to the bathroom.

I remember it like it was last night. I remember being excited and so calm. I remember waiting to find out if it was a girl or not. Then, finally, I had my baby. He looked just like Peanut. I was instantly in love. He was perfect. He nursed great, he snuggled and slept. The love was instant. They placed him on my chest and he was full in my heart already. He still is. He really is my Sweetface. He goes everywhere with me and is usually good natured about the whole thing. When he puts his head on my shoulder I'm not sure how I can contain this much love. My eyes well up with tears, the love is literally pouring out of me.

There will be a party tomorrow in celebration of my little boy turning one. He has earned every minute of it. He has five teeth and took his first steps four days before his birthday. He sleeps through the night, takes two naps during the day and eats like a champ (mostly). He wears 12 month clothes but sometimes needs 18 month. He is not nearly as tall as Peanut was, but weighs nearly the same. His eyes are blue and his hair is reddish blond and way too long. I love this boy with every pulse I have, with every breath I take. He is the most precious gift I have ever received and I am thankful for him every day.

Family is arriving and will stay through the weekend. Friends are coming tomorrow. So many people to come celebrate one of my two blessings. I am lucky. The cakes are made, the gifts are wrapped. I will frost/decorate cakes, vegetables will be chopped and punch will be made in the morning. After lunch the balloons will be strung up. I've given my worry to one that can handle it. His hands are bigger. I will only enjoy the memories of that day one year ago.

The Weeds are Growing Too

My baby will be one on Saturday. Suddenly he's much more interested in walking. At church on Sunday he took off like a mad man. Being held was torture for him. He still can't walk, but he went for all he was worth holding on to a mommy or daddy finger. He would plop down to crawl, but neither of us wanted him to get trampled in the lobby.

He is starting to eat better too. In general he is still pretty picky, but he seems willing to try more things. Or maybe I'm just offering him more things I think he will like. Either way I try to get a balanced diet in him. Fruit, vegetable, dairy and some meat. He loves bread, but gets more than he needs.

Peanut is testing us daily. He is an expert at pushing at the rules just enough that we bend a tiny bit without breaking the rule. But after a couple weeks we realize the rule has long been broken. We snap back to attention and Peanut hates it for a while before he starts pushing again. He was in top form today. Yesterday he was sick and got to have a Sprite to settle his tummy. Today he thought he would get another one even though he was feeling fine. I explained he got one special because he was sick. A few hours later he told this long story about birds and they get in your tummy and you go to the doctor and he tells you that you are sick and you get to go home and have a Sprite. It was a cute story.

I'm pudgy. I look 6 months pregnant. For real. I'm waiting for someone to ask when I'm due. Now that I'm done nursing and the baby is almost one I think it's time to own the extra weight that is still hanging around. It's not going to melt off from nursing or any other activity. Somehow I need to get some exercise in my life. Playing volleyball is great, but it's only once a week. There is a SAHM running group nearby, but they run on the nights I can't. I could join a gym, but most have less than fabulous daycares. I don't want to be paged in the middle of working out to come change a diaper. Surely there is a childcare center in a gym that will change a diaper if need be. Oh well. I could start at home for free, but I have zero motivation. I just know my clothes don't fit and swimsuit season is fast approaching.

Will You be My Friend?

Can I just say?...Facebook kind of freaks me out. On the one hand it's nice to connect with people and learn more about them. I'm comfortable looking at pictures and reading insights of people I know at this moment in life. These are people I talk to and could hang out with.

It is the people that I have not seen or heard from in over 15 years that sort of takes my breath away. High school was not a fabulous place for me. I was mostly an average person. My school was small and I knew everyone, but was only good friends (or so I thought) with a few of them. After graduation I left for college and never looked back. No one else looked for me. For the most part I just faded away and allowed everyone else to fade as well. Ten years after graduation I got an email letting me know I missed my 10 year reunion. That is OK. I probably would not have gone anyway. A few friends caught me up on their lives and then we promptly lost touch again.

So now 5 years later I joined FB. I found several classmates. Some of them even sent me messages asking how my life is/has been. It feels very odd and somewhat forced to share my life with someone that let me fade away those many years ago. Is it a grudge? They forgot me then so they cannot know me now? My open mind and heart tell me to swallow the hurt and allow them in. The tough part comes after sharing. I posted very little and shared only enough to give a general snapshot of life today. Married with two kids living in xyz. I am finding they start off excited to see me and catch up, then they go back to what they were doing and I fade away again. I am also finding it is painful to again lose touch.

This quick catch up is fine for some folks. Really I am just curious where they are and what happened in their lives. I do not really want a relationship. FB works well for this. I saw a video of FB that really summed it up for me. It is a great tool and yet odd.

Smell the Happieness

Well, Spring has sprung and I'm feeling much better. We are all still having good and bad times, but now that the sky is blue and the grass and trees are green again I am happier. So I just read my last post...Anyone ready for something lighter and happier? Me too. It's wonderful to be able to go outside and not freeze to death. Everything seems happier. Birds are chirping and flowers are starting to peek up. I must really have SAD bad.

*

Some lady was going door to door selling paintings. It was a bit unusual, but they were rather good. I'm not sure if she actually painted anything or just put her name on something, but the pictures were beautiful. I would have bought more if they weren't so pricey. She came down $30 and then I boldly offered her another $20 off. She sort of sighed and bit her lip. She had been out all day and didn't seem to have sold anything. I figured if she was desperate she would take it. She did. I'm the owner of two lovely abstract oil paintings. I really like them and will get them hung up in the next few weeks.

I felt kind of gutsy asking for a deal. I'm not that type of person at all. Usually I just go with whatever is on the table. I don't know what made this moment different. Oh well. In my eyes we both won. She got some cash and I got a couple paintings.






*Peanut and Husband are getting ready for bath and once Peanut takes his clothes off he runs around the house naked for a bit. They are upstairs getting ready for bath and I'm downstairs. A little streaker just ran in and out of here in a flash. Makes me giggle.

Put a Fork in Me - I am Done

When I say I’m done…

I mean I am tired of being me. I’m at the end of my rope and asking for help. I cannot deal with the kid(s) any more. I want to walk out the door and not come back.

I do pretty well for a while but it’s all building inside. Every time I have to repeat myself, to start counting to 3 or taking a toy away it builds more. Every time I have to tell them to stop, to listen, to pay attention it builds. Every time I have to clean something spilled, put things away they should not have or re-direct them to something else it builds. Then I reach a point where I’m done. I struggle to care.

I’m done. I don’t want to play, to listen to them, to talk to them. I don’t want to be around them. I’m done trying to stay calm, to understand, cleaning things up and thinking of what to do next. I’m done being the nose wiper, the butt wiper the face washer and the hand washer.

I start to think they are better off with someone at a daycare or a nanny. Surely some one doing this as a chosen job is better at it than I am. Someone else can feed them, clean them and tell them the same thing 1000 times before 8am.

I don’t get much of a break. My job is a full time job. The ‘mom’ never turns off. I know you are also the ‘dad’ full time and that does not turn off either. If you get stressed at work you have the luxury of going to the gym for a while or taking off early or getting a drink. When I get stressed I have to make lunch, change diapers, clean up, try to give naps (and not get upset when they don’t) and all the things that stressed me out in the first place. Sure I can go to a gym too, but I have to take the kids with me to the daycare. I can drop them off for 2 hours, knowing they are waiting there for me at the end of it.

This is about me, but I know you have stress too. School and work not to mention the crazy lady at home. All that adds to my stress because I don’t want to bother you. I know you can’t very well leave work whenever I have a bad day.

So what do I do? I thought playing volleyball and having Wednesday night was enough to keep me re-grouped, but there are things in relations to those that stress me out. I still watch them all day, plan meals and whatever. Then occasionally my time off gets overrun by something else. I get pushed aside for another day. I go along with it assuming I will get my time or what else is needed is more important.

So when I’m done – I’m losing my grip. I’m angry, upset, sad and ready to quit. I’m not sure what I want to hear. Maybe something only for me. Something that shows someone else is paying attentions and cares. I’d like a friend. Someone to invite me out. Someone to swap kids with . Someone I can call. Someone I felt close to. Do not suggest I know this person. If I did I would not be writing this – I’d be on the phone with them.

Tonight

Life with kids. It really does change every aspect of your life. I used to stay up late, sleep in and be lazy. Now I stay up later than I should, sleep in as late as I can and while I'm still a bit lazy I have to get moving for the kids. Of course I also had a job to dress for and get to on time. My mom job lets me wear pajamas if I want, though I have to be on time EVERY DAY!

Peanut is a handful again or maybe it's still. I'm not sure he ever stopped. Lately he has become quite adamant. He has no idea about what exactly, but whatever it is he latches onto, he is adamant. For example, he won't call the evening meal 'dinner'. He says he doesn't want dinner, he wants lunch. I think in his mind he wants the type of food you eat at lunch. We typically have a sandwich for lunch and more of a hot meal for dinner. I would guess he wants the sandwich. Who knows?

Also lately he has been getting out of bed a lot more. The first time tonight he asked if I would help get 'Credible Hulk' out of his room. He is a Super Hero freak and sometimes they stay in his room. I guess the gang gets rowdy because occasionally he will ask me to kick someone out. I went in and told him to get out so Peanut could sleep. The next time was a problem with the blanket. He had taken it off the bed and wanted it tucked in.

There is a line of storms headed our way and I really want him asleep before they get here. Otherwise we'll have trouble keeping him in his room for that. Once he is sleeping he is like a log and does not wake up for anything.

SF had some horrible diaper rash. I called the doctor last Monday and go the nurse line. They made some suggestions and said to give it 5 days. By Thursday we couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't really getting any better and he was in some serious pain. It was awful. We took him to the doctor on Thursday afternoon. The doctor took one look and sent us for a special cream. It has medicine for yeast/bacteria and something else mixed with diaper cream. He was better the next morning. It cost $5. I couldn't believe the nurse would make me try other things and wait while my son was in agony when I could have spent $5 for the magic cure. We were glad we didn't wait any longer and I'm guessing so was SF. When your delicate bits are on fire no one is happy.

Hair Yesterday Gone Today

I got a haircut. I've been hating my blah mom hair for a while. It was long, plain and often in a ponytail or bun. Today I decided I have had enough. I called the beauty shop and asked for someone good. They suggested B. OK. I went in and you know the first thing they say is "what are we doing today"? My response was that we needed to talk. I love the length, but it's getting tedious to wash, comb, dry and style. It's blah. I'm willing to make a change and want something easy to fix and cute. Though I was willing to go shorter I think this is a good start. She cut about 7 inches off. I'm having some trouble getting used to it. There is enough for a short ponytail and now I have bangs. I haven't had bangs in many years. They are long and sweep to the side.

So far I love it. Husband says it looks good. Peanut said it looked funny, but enjoyed running his fingers through it. SF still just yanks on it, but at 9 months I expect that. I really hope to start fixing it more often. My attitude is so much better when I am fixed up a bit. Perhaps I shall start getting up earlier to get ready for 'work'.

Also, I toured a gym and got a free week pass. This one has child watch for $2 per day but I'm not sure how involved they will get. The community center has the same thing, but they won't do anything with the child except make sure they don't die. Seriously, they call you to feed, change, pick up or console your child. I'm not a hard core workout person, but I don't want to get paged every 5 minutes. This new place seems to do everything, but the guy wasn't sure they would change a diaper. Give me a break. I'm thinking the odds of SF going two hours without needing a new diaper is 70/30. Like maybe 30% chance he'll need one. I'll try the free week and see what happens. The price is reasonable if the childcare works out.

Thoughts are Like Ashes

They come out of nothing, are brilliant for a while, then die off and fall to the pile below.

No more day anything. I made it through day one and two and then stopped. I hurt my back two weeks ago and have not been able to do much of anything until now. Hopefully, I can start day one again soon.

I watched my son ride his little bike today. He is growing and I can't seem to stop it. I was filled with a sense of wonder as his little legs pumped up and down. Soon he will ride without training wheels. Soon he will ride farther than our driveway. Soon he will ride away with friends. It is wonderful to watch him grow and learn.

Peanut doesn't need glasses. Yet. He is far-sighted as most children are at his age, but it seems to be a moderate case. After a full exam it is determined to leave it be. He will be re-checked in six months to make sure nothing changes. Poor kid. He already has hearing aides, we don't want to saddle him with glasses too.

I tried to think of something to give up for Lent. I think I'll go with caffeine. I don't have much, but if I can kick it for 40 days then all the better. Of course I messed up already not realizing you are to start at midnight on Fat Tuesday. I shall start now.

Day Two

So it's been almost a week. That's the crazy week we had. I could not find time to exercise until this morning. The workout was good but not great. I need to put more into it. When I'm alone it's too easy to cop out and go at half speed/effort. Hopefully if I can do it more than twice a week I'll get a little stronger and better push myself.

We have a babysitter for the afternoon tomorrow. I think we're heading to a movie and early dinner. I really don't care much for Valentines Day. There is too much pressure to be romantic. You can't force it. My husband does very nice things for me during the whole year. Granted it's not often and he could use a little help in the romantic ideas dept., but overall he does a fine job. Why put this pressure on both of us? Should he get me something? What should he get? How much should he spend? I say don't worry about it. It's another day of the year. He brought me home lovely flowers and that was wonderful. Right now he and the boys are making me something. That is what I love. I love getting things that are from the kids that I can cherish forever.

I'm tired.

Day One Level One

Ugh. I've been sick all week and today is my official mommy day off. Husband took the boys out for their activities and I have the house to myself for another hour or two. So far I've done nothing exciting, but it's been nice to do what I want instead of what I have to do.

So...I exercised. Gah! I forgot how tough this video is. Hopefully I can start doing it more regularly and it will get easier as the flab melts away. I did learn one very important lesson. I need a new sport bra. Seriously, I still have mommy boobs and they are not excited about jumping jacks.

After a shower I'm off to shop and generally enjoy my day out.

Sunday School

We go to church pretty regularly and both kids go to a classroom to spend time with other kids and learn something in a more age appropriate manner. SF is only 8 months so he either chews on toys or sleeps through the whole thing. Peanut is 3 so he goes to a preschool class for 3 yr olds. Most of the time they just play, but sometimes there is a movie or singing or a story.

About a week ago Peanut was on the couch playing his Leap Pad and he looked up at me and said " We lie about Jesus". What? Yes, he said we lie about Jesus. I asked if he meant we rely on Jesus and he replied "No. We lie about Jesus. That's how it works mom". It was cute and funny, but now that I type it out it's sad. There are so many people that this is true for. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a Bible thumper or anything, but I enjoy going and hearing a message. I like learning how I can be a better person and help those around me. Do we pray together at home? No. Do we talk about God or Jesus? No. Not usually unless Peanut asks. But I am thankful for all I have.

After church Sunday we asked Peanut what he did in class. He said they played hide and seek. Later that night when I put him to bed I asked if anyone talked to him about God or Jesus. He said yes someone talked about God. Then he told me "God got lost". It's OK, he said he got found later. Again cute and funny, but true for so many people.

Cold and Dark

I admitted to my study group that I am not functioning at 100%. It's odd to be so self aware that I can see what's wrong with me so clearly and yet not be willing to do anything about it. I know I'm tired, not eating well, worried about things and maybe even depressed. Even though I know these things I am not taking steps to fix them. That's not true. I made a doctor appointment for a physical. Perhaps she can convince me to do more.

The pessimist in me knows that she will suggest therapy since talking to someone can be helpful. The trouble is I've been to therapy several times with several different people and it's never worked to my advantage. I either have to convince them that there is something wrong or they latch on to something that it not wrong and try to fix it. One therapist had the bright realization that "you're just not happy". Oh really? It only took you three hours to figure that out? Brilliant!

I'm not against medication or therapy. It has it's place. In this case I know what's wrong and therefore what to do to fix it. It's the doing it that I can't seem to muster. The stress levels are rising. I'm maxed out and so is Husband. Work is getting more stressful for him and I feel guilty adding to it. Now is not the time to take a vacation with the uncertainty.

There are a bunch of little things bothering me and I'm trying to let them go, but as each one piles on it gets harder to let them go. The absolute worst thing happening is I'm getting tired of my kids. I'm getting irritated. I can't seem to just enjoy them and relax at all. As soon as I'm awake I start counting the hours until it's bedtime for them.

Maybe it's a little PPD. Can it be that after 8 months? I think so. I think some of the honeymoon from a newborn has worn off and now I'm a mother of two. On one hand I'm glad they are getting older and on the other I am obsessed with having another baby. In my heart I know it's not a good idea, but I keep dreaming of it.

Oh yeah and my feet are constantly cold.

Out of the Mouths

Super Heroes are big in our house. Several times a day we are assigned a Super to be. Peanut is usually Spiderman or Batman. Occasionally we get to choose, but usually he decides. Husband decided he was going to be Captain America the other day. This morning in the car Peanut asked me where he was.

Peanut: Where is my Daddy? Where is my friend, Captain America?

I have been trying to be Wonder Woman since she is a girl and so am I. Tonight Peanut asked me who I was.

Peanut: Mommy are you Wonder Warmer? Daddy said you were Wonder Warmer.

That's me. I can warm up anyone or anything. There are so many crazy things this kid says. We have decided he has no inner monologue. Where most of us think several million thoughts a day and only vocalize a small percentage of them. He says every thought he has. My sister asked if I thought he had thoughts that he didn't say. I don't think so. When would he have time? His motor-mouth goes non-stop. I love the little guy and he is pretty entertaining, but it's also tiring.

One new fascination he has is with soda, specifically Sprite. That is what I drink most often. The other day I had some and he asked for a drink so I put 1/2 a cup in his cup. He was drinking through a straw so I cautioned him the bubbles might go in his nose. Of course he didn't listen and the bubbles tickled him. This morning I had a soda in the car and he asked what it was. I told him it was a soda.

Peanut: I don't want the bubbles to blow my nose up.

Indeed. No one wants that. Noses would be lost all over the World. He is a semi-perfect parrot. Tonight at dinner he kept changing his mind over whether to eat his meal with a fork or spoon. I told him he could get whichever he wanted. He went into this conversation about can I have a spoon or fork? After asking over and over and over and over I said he could get whatever. He came back to the table with a large serving spoon.

Peanut: Mama, is this a spoon?
Me: Yes (thinking whether or not to explain big vs. little spoons)

I gave up and sighed thinking at least he was going to eat his dinner. I think I said that out loud because when he got back to his chair he said the following.

Peanut: Whatever.

We try not to laugh at the things he says because sometimes it really is inappropriate. Usually it's too funny not to bust up.

Husband: Crap!
Peanut: Crap. Is that a spider? Crap. Crap spider. Is Crap a spider Daddy?
Me: (Rolling eyes at Husband for teaching 3 yr old new word)

It's fun when he opens up in front of others too. We spent Christmas at my sisters house and because the rest of the family did too sleeping space was limited. I ended up sleeping in a bed with Peanut. He tossed and turned all night and I slept very little. Sometime around 5:30 am he started to wake up. I told him to go back to sleep. Daddy then got up (he was sleeping on the floor next to the bed) and talked to him a bit. That night in the van with two of my sisters, my mother and my sisters two kids and Peanut we were driving around looking at Christmas lights. I was telling the story of not sleeping well and how Peanut started to wake before 6.

Me: Then Husband woke up and started telling him to go back to sleep.
Peanut (while slamming fist into hand for emphasis): Daddy said stop your damn crying.

I'm not sure of the exact statement, but the d word was uttered. I didn't hear him and no one would say what he said. Suffice it to say it wasn't anything a 3 yr old should be saying. Oh well.

At dinner last night he was kind of messy and Husband gave him a napkin.

Husband: Wipe your forearms.
Peanut: I don't have four arms. Silly Daddy I only have two. One. Two. Not four.

I saw that one coming. Especially since way back when Peanut was trying to tell Husband something and he kept starting over and kids do.

Husband: Spit it out.
Peanut: Spittooey.

He looked down and spit. We were in the living room at the time. Kids take everything so literal. It really is great to listen to how he views the World. I just wish he could keep his view to himself once in a while. There are so many great things he says. It makes me a little sad when he starts saying things right. I know you want them to develop and speak clearly and properly, but there is something about that innocent, kid talk that I'll really miss.

Bonk

Driving home from daycare this evening I stopped behind several cars waiting for the first car to turn left. I don't remember exactly what we were doing. It seems like Peanut was telling me something about school. I was thinking about Oprah a little. Anyway, I heard a screeching noise and looked over my left shoulder wondering what was happening. Then we got hit. I guess the guy behind us was thinking about Oprah too? Doubtful, but he was not paying any attention.

There seems to be no damage and other than both kids started crying I think we are all fine. I got pretty amped up for a while and couldn't think straight. I took his name and number, but he conveniently didn't have his insurance card. I don't think I'll need it, but still. Before he left I gave him some friendly advice to get his stinking insurance card in his car.

Should I have called the police? Really there was no damage (at least that I could see in the dusk) and we probably won't do anything more. I'm guessing the cops would have maybe given him a ticket for driving without insurance? Or do they care? I thought it was a law to have insurance now. What would you have done?

I'm very thankful the kids seem OK. By nature I worry about everything and I'm quite paranoid that something may be lurking. It was minor and I think they are OK.