Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Cold and Dark

I admitted to my study group that I am not functioning at 100%. It's odd to be so self aware that I can see what's wrong with me so clearly and yet not be willing to do anything about it. I know I'm tired, not eating well, worried about things and maybe even depressed. Even though I know these things I am not taking steps to fix them. That's not true. I made a doctor appointment for a physical. Perhaps she can convince me to do more.

The pessimist in me knows that she will suggest therapy since talking to someone can be helpful. The trouble is I've been to therapy several times with several different people and it's never worked to my advantage. I either have to convince them that there is something wrong or they latch on to something that it not wrong and try to fix it. One therapist had the bright realization that "you're just not happy". Oh really? It only took you three hours to figure that out? Brilliant!

I'm not against medication or therapy. It has it's place. In this case I know what's wrong and therefore what to do to fix it. It's the doing it that I can't seem to muster. The stress levels are rising. I'm maxed out and so is Husband. Work is getting more stressful for him and I feel guilty adding to it. Now is not the time to take a vacation with the uncertainty.

There are a bunch of little things bothering me and I'm trying to let them go, but as each one piles on it gets harder to let them go. The absolute worst thing happening is I'm getting tired of my kids. I'm getting irritated. I can't seem to just enjoy them and relax at all. As soon as I'm awake I start counting the hours until it's bedtime for them.

Maybe it's a little PPD. Can it be that after 8 months? I think so. I think some of the honeymoon from a newborn has worn off and now I'm a mother of two. On one hand I'm glad they are getting older and on the other I am obsessed with having another baby. In my heart I know it's not a good idea, but I keep dreaming of it.

Oh yeah and my feet are constantly cold.

1 comment:

No Minimom said...

From talks with my useless therapist, there are a lot of hormone shifts that happen in that first year. Long after when you'd think you'd get PPD. For example, I just had a period out of nowhere and my skin went from it's usual grease pit to dry and scaly. Freaky funky hormones. I feel your pain, girl.