Thursday, April 26, 2007

House 4 Sale

Last night our house became officially for sale. The paperwork was signed and the sign went up in the yard. For some reason is doesn't appear to be on-line yet, but I hope that is fixed soon.

There are days I feel quite torn about this decision. On one hand I do want a different house and being close to family and friends will be nice. On the other hand, this is our first house. This is where we lived shortly after getting married. This is where we were when I got pregnant and had our first child. This is Peanut's only home. I feel sentimental towards this house. Plus we have quite awesome neighbors and we are sad to leave them.

The house could be for sale for a long time. I hope it sells soon because keeping it neat and clean with a 1 1/2 year old is not easy. Every where I look there seem to be more and more houses for sale. I hope we aren't too late and the market is getting flooded with houses. This is such a stressful adventure. At least the house is clean and neat. It looks pretty good. Why didn't we do all this 5 years ago? Seems dumb to wait until you sell your house to fix it up. We are vowing to not do that in the next one. I'm not sure everything will get fixed up the day we move in, but maybe we can keep it a little more organized.

So I hope to keep this updated as we go along our real estate journey. Please wish speedy sale thoughts to us.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

I May Cause You to Cry.

So I started therapy. I have gone only once so far, but there are plans to go again. Because of previous counseling sessions I was a bit hesitant about going. Perhaps if you get the right person it can help you. I'm not sure, I've never gotten that far.

So I get there and she is running late. No one tells me this, not even the 'receptionist'. So I wait. About a half hour later I finally go in. She seems nice. So we sit down and start chatting. I first tell her I have a bit of a cold and it makes it more difficult for me to hear. I have a mild hearing problem anyway and any cold makes it 10 times worse. She looked like that was the craziest thing she had ever heard. AND. She didn't really help me any by talking louder. I must have had her repeat every other sentence.

At one point she looks at me at asks why I'm there. She tells me there doesn't seem to be any reason for me to be depressed. Then she looks at me and says "what do you think?" I think it's time to get the heck out of dodge, but I just sort of stare blankly at her.

So we talk some more. She asks what it was like growing up and I tell her. She asks for my earliest memory. I can't think of anything, but I blurt out a few things. (I remember now). She asks how old I was and I have no idea.

At this point I've painted a horrible picture of this woman. She wasn't that bad. She was trying to dig and find things, but there just isn't one incident that has caused this. It's a lifetime of random things that has shaped me like this.

I am not a person with a lot of joy or happiness. I enjoy doing things and I'm not crying all the time. I just do not get those moments of whoopee. She realized this at some point. It's a little hard to believe, because I can put on a happy face and pretend that things are great. Sure. Sure. Things are lovely. I spend some of my days crying because I have no idea what I'm doing home alone with an 18 month old. My relationship feels a little strained because our Love Bucket is running on empty. I worry about money in every way. Some days I wish lightning would strike and I'd know what it is I'm supposed to be doing. But hey, I can smile and say things are fine when you ask how I'm doing.

At the end she gave me two things to do. List moments I felt real joy and happiness and also list times I thought of things I would like to do. It's only been a day, but I'm having trouble coming up with anything to put on my list.

She believes I am depressed, but doesn't know why. It makes her terribly sad to think I've just been like this all my life. That I've just been floating in some river carrying me along never knowing or caring what's on the shore. She almost cried.

Vacation Part IV

We rode ATV's in Mazatlan and that was really fun. I found two huge sand dollars on the beach. One was even whole. I managed to get it all the way home unharmed. This area seemed really poor and was a bit shabby. We had fun anyway.

The last stop was Cabo San Lucas. This was where we went whale watching. That was awesome. It was a tiny little boat out in the huge ocean. We found two whales and followed them for quite a while. Husband got some good video of them.

Then it was time to head back to L.A.

Overall the trip was fun. It was nice to be away from Peanut for a bit and be an adult. The trouble is I always tend to feel less than thrilled when we spend time with our friends as a group. I don't know how to explain it. I guess I don't feel like I measure up. Like I'm not as good. Honestly I think I do a fantastic job staying home with Peanut. With the exception of two of them (one doesn't have kids) the others could handle it. They tried and were not able to make it. This makes me feel great. But! For the most part they have all done very well in their professional lives. I never really accomplished anything great. There are other reasons I won't get into now. Now that we are home, it's nice to be with Peanut again and not our friends, at least for a while.

Some members of the group are already planning another vacation. I need a while to be able to afford it. Mostly, I'm not ready to leave Peanut for that long again. That was difficult for me. The other moms missed their kids, but I'm the only one that hadn't been away from mine for longer than a day or two. Oh well. Go on a cruise. It's nice.