Tuesday, April 17, 2007

I May Cause You to Cry.

So I started therapy. I have gone only once so far, but there are plans to go again. Because of previous counseling sessions I was a bit hesitant about going. Perhaps if you get the right person it can help you. I'm not sure, I've never gotten that far.

So I get there and she is running late. No one tells me this, not even the 'receptionist'. So I wait. About a half hour later I finally go in. She seems nice. So we sit down and start chatting. I first tell her I have a bit of a cold and it makes it more difficult for me to hear. I have a mild hearing problem anyway and any cold makes it 10 times worse. She looked like that was the craziest thing she had ever heard. AND. She didn't really help me any by talking louder. I must have had her repeat every other sentence.

At one point she looks at me at asks why I'm there. She tells me there doesn't seem to be any reason for me to be depressed. Then she looks at me and says "what do you think?" I think it's time to get the heck out of dodge, but I just sort of stare blankly at her.

So we talk some more. She asks what it was like growing up and I tell her. She asks for my earliest memory. I can't think of anything, but I blurt out a few things. (I remember now). She asks how old I was and I have no idea.

At this point I've painted a horrible picture of this woman. She wasn't that bad. She was trying to dig and find things, but there just isn't one incident that has caused this. It's a lifetime of random things that has shaped me like this.

I am not a person with a lot of joy or happiness. I enjoy doing things and I'm not crying all the time. I just do not get those moments of whoopee. She realized this at some point. It's a little hard to believe, because I can put on a happy face and pretend that things are great. Sure. Sure. Things are lovely. I spend some of my days crying because I have no idea what I'm doing home alone with an 18 month old. My relationship feels a little strained because our Love Bucket is running on empty. I worry about money in every way. Some days I wish lightning would strike and I'd know what it is I'm supposed to be doing. But hey, I can smile and say things are fine when you ask how I'm doing.

At the end she gave me two things to do. List moments I felt real joy and happiness and also list times I thought of things I would like to do. It's only been a day, but I'm having trouble coming up with anything to put on my list.

She believes I am depressed, but doesn't know why. It makes her terribly sad to think I've just been like this all my life. That I've just been floating in some river carrying me along never knowing or caring what's on the shore. She almost cried.

1 comment:

KD said...

Stick it out with your therapist. It sounds like she is honestly trying to help (which is more than mine did. I think I was just something to occupy her time between smoke breaks). I know it's hard, but the best way to do these exercises is to clear your mind and put yourself in a neutral headspace. You're depressed so it would be stupid to ask you to put yourself in a "happy place", but neutral can usually be managed. Just as long as your not sitting there thinking "This is so stupid" or "I'm never going to come up with anything good." It's not and you will. Be patient with yourself.

Just remember that there's an old friend on the East Side who cares about you very much!