Monday, May 14, 2007

My Smile is Upside Down

I'm tired. I seem to be constantly annoyed and/or angry. I feel slow, sluggish, heavy and foggy. I hate that I feel any of this because my husband and son are paying for it. Part of it is PMS and part of it is depression. The PMS will go away in a while, but I'm not sure what to do about the other.

I tried a therapist and she seemed good, but then she stood me up one day. That's not really something you want to do with someone that is depressed with self-esteem issues. My silly brain said something like "screw you, see how you like it if I never come back". Which is silly because it doesn't really hurt her if I don't come back. It only hurts me (and those around me).

Her logic was that I'm depressed because I am a very creative person with no creative outlet. She said I needed to tap into that to feel fulfilled. OK. I get that. I don't seem to have time. Sure I have some free time twice a week, but then there are usually things I want to do or get done. Creativity seems to take a back seat for the most part. Would that help with my marriage? Would that help deal with my son? I kind of don't think so. Maybe though. I'm in such a horrible place right now. I don't want to be, but I kind of don't give a crap either.

What would do me some good is a swift kick in the butt to get me on my way. You know, like one of those life coaches on tv where they go live in a house and they change their whole lives for the better. I need that, but I'm only free two days a week and I have no money to spend. Other than that, sign me up. Really.

I'd say I need a vacation, but it hasn't been all that long since I took one. I really don't know what I need at this point. A job? A hobby? A friend? A life? Yah. Probably a little of each.

1 comment:

Matt said...

Mutt
Seems like your blog is part of that creativity drive your therapist talked about. If it helps, keep it up. Also have you looked at nutritional aspects of depression? Sometimes its made worse by lack of certain nutrients and sometimes others have gotten help with natural herbs and supplements. Here is one I've found helpful http://www.vitabase.com/supplements/stress-relaxation/moodsupport.aspx It has things like St. John's Wort in it and other natural ingredients. It may be helpful.