Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Maybe Not.

Maybe it's because I'm more hormonal right now. Maybe it's because of my medicine. Maybe it's because Peanut has entered the realm of the temper tantrum. Maybe it's because I'll be 32 this year and still have no idea what I want out of life. I have always been something other than me. When I was young I did what I was supposed to do, not what I wanted. In college I did what got me out of there, not really what I wanted. Now I do what has to be done, not what I want. Truthfully, I don't know what I want.

I have a great husband and a great kid. We live in a nice house with nice stuff. We have nice friends and family and all that stuff. Then why am I not happy? Why do I feel less than alive? Why do I feel like there is some alternate life out there for me? Is there?

Anyway, Peanut and I went to Borders today. Husband wanted me to get a Zamboni book for Peanut. We went and walked around a lot. I finally got Peanut to go to the kids department. I found the book and a few others. Then it was time to check out. We made it to the check stand and there were a handful of people in line. This is where it all went wrong. Peanut did not want to be held and voiced his opinion about it. Loudly. I couldn't let him go and could not get him to quiet down. I ended up putting the books down and walking out with him. I was so angry. He stopped screaming as soon as we reached the car. We went home anyway. I know in a few years this will be a good punishment for him. Right now he doesn't care. He has no idea what he missed out on. I do though. I was sad and angry. Why couldn't we just buy a book? Anyway, this whole incident got me thinking today.


Kevin said...

Z for Zamboni?

I can relate as to how you are feeling. Some days I sit and think, "Is this why I spent 4 years in college, so I can argue with a 2 year old over the proper use of a spoon? Am I really serving a purpose in this world?" But then when he starts reading or wants me to explain division and addition to him it makes it better since I don't think he would get quality answers in a day care center.

Are you getting any chances to go out and do selfish things for yourself? Everyone needs their ME time, especially if your job is to make sure someone else's needs are met all the time.

KD said...

I second the ME time recommendation. Even though I get time away from the fam at work, work time is spent meeting the needs of random strangers. You still need time to remember that you are not just mom and wife, you are Mutt and a very fun girl to hang out with.

You so need to move over here. :-)