Monday Morning Update

The boy has learned a few sign language signs. He doesn't always use them correctly, but he's so cute when he does them. He knows eat and will use this 24 hours a day. He doesn't really know to use it when he is hungry. He just uses it all the time. He was doing 'out' for a while, but has sort of stopped doing it and replaced it with some new sign. He puts both arms out to the side with the palms up and sort of shrugs his shoulders. It looks more like "I don't know" than "I want out". He will also do 'more' on occasion. Mostly he claps, but usually means give me more of that.

He doesn't seem to be crazy about walking. He'll do it, but would rather just crawl. I think maybe he is teething again and that's taking most of his brain power. I'm confident he will walk when he wants to.

We have a new regular babysitter. She comes three days a week for three hours. So it's kind of like having one day off only spread out over three days. It gives me a few hours to clean or run errands. The house is staying a little cleaner and I get a nice little mommy break. Peanut really likes her so he likes to play when she comes. So far it's working out for all of us.

Another family birthday party this weekend. The fun just never stops. This is for my sisters kids. Not sure what to get them. At least the party is closer. Instead of being in Columbia it will be closer to KC. That's nice. That way we can stay at our own house and just go for the party. We can leave anytime we want. Hopefully no one is sick this time.

I'm still tired. I guess I need to do some of the things the Dr. suggested. That would require me getting off my duff and doing something though. Not sure how likely that is. Anyone got a dose of get up and go I can have? Blah.

Oh, The Drama

So. The call was made, the doctor was seen, symptoms were spoken, suggestions were offered, blood was drawn, medication was prescribed and follow ups were scheduled. I'm not better, but it seems I've just landed on the Wicked Witch and found the Yellow Brick Road. In other words, I've taken the first step towards feeling better. I could use some of that now.

Peanut is scheduled to have his 'friend' birthday party tomorrow. It may not happen. Husband got sick last night around 3 am and hasn't felt better yet. I really don't want to cancel the party, but there is a lot to do and I don't want to do it by myself. Most important I want husband to be well and for us all to have fun. Unless he is cured overnight I don't see that happening.

I had a mini breakdown last night. We went to have Peanuts 1 year photos taken as well as a family photo. Now the place I've been going has taken great pictures, but the customer service is far below par. I made the appt. for 5:40 pm. Peanut had a doctor appt. earlier and husband just took the rest of the day off. So I called the picture place about an hour before the appt. and they were "on schedule". So when we get there ten minutes before our appt. I asked again and was told they were "a little behind, but we'll have you in on time". Thirty minutes pass. Thirty. 30. I am mad. They are so disorganized I want to start ringing customers up myself just to get things moving. They stand around and then act surprised that it's busy. We walked out. It was dinner time and I thought Peanut would be hungry and we were all hungry so we walked out. Then I cried.

I've been wanting to have this done for many, many months. I agonized for two days over what we should wear so we all match. I even went shopping the morning of the pictures to get better matching clothes. I showered, dried and curled my hair. The day was busy with trying to plan the birthday party, get new clothes, go to the doctor and then to the mall. The disappointment I felt ran so deep. Why oh why was it so difficult to get a picture taken? Why can't they just be honest and say it will be an hour wait? Why do I put up with it?

The food court was on the opposite end of the mall and once we left we headed that way. I was mad. I wanted nothing more than to knock over all their tidy little displays. I wanted to scream and make them suffer in some way so they knew they had done something wrong. That's what got me, they don't and won't ever care about losing one person. Heck, I lightened their load. It only mattered to me and I was suffering.

I lost my appetite. I wanted to go home. I threw down my bags and started to cry. Husband told me to calm down. Let’s go eat, he said. I didn’t want to be calm. I didn’t want to eat. I wanted to scream and shout and have things feel less awful. I wanted to be comforted and told we’d get it fixed and they were (insert bad words here) for being so mean to me. It felt like a really big deal to me and only me. I wanted to know it mattered to him too. Logically, I know we can go somewhere else and get a picture taken, but that’s where I had gone every month since Peanut was born. That’s the package I’m used to and wanted. That’s what I expected and when it didn’t happen I could not cope. Husband could only tell me to eat. I was livid. I did not want to eat. I just wanted to go home so I could cry somewhere other than at the Mall.

Now we have to pick a new place, find a day we can go, get showered and fixed up, get on the matching clothes and hope it all goes ok. Any suggestions for a good photo place?

If you suggest the place with initials and change in the name I think I’ll scream.

Mommy, I'm Sick.

My baby is sick.

Over the weekend we were at my sisters house for the family birthday party. On Saturday night two of her children were sick. Vomit sick. Then in the morning a third child was sick. I kept Peanut as far away from them as possible. I kept myself away too. You know, because we catch stuff so easy. Anyway, I thought we had come away unscathed. I guess not.

We also forgot the baby monitor. So until tonight we were trying to do without until the weekend when we can get it back. Screw that. Husband is out at Wally World right now buying a baby monitor, more sheets, mattress pads, and various medicines that probably won’t help any.

I cannot begin to tell you what it does to me (and probably Husband) to see my little boy sick. He was tired and covered in yuck and so helpless. We cleaned him and changed him and the bed and he seems to be going to sleep now, but I’ve got my ears glued to his room in case he needs me.

Oh yeah, Happy Birthday Peanut 10-17-05. What a great way to ring in your 1 year birthday.

More on the birthday festivities later.

Down. More Down. Less Down. Down.

Lately my mood has really been up and down. At times things are going fine and all is well, the next I feel so lost. For the past several days (weeks?) I've been tired, but not always sleepy tired, more of a lazy tired. I don't want to do anything. When I try to think about issues I feel fuzzy. I can't make my brain think through a problem and figure it out. I just start coming apart and feeling grumpy.

Last weekend I got a massage (thanks husband!) and asked the gal if she had any ideas for me. She isn't a doctor, but she is a woman, mom and in the health and wellness field. She suggested a daily vitamin and some vitamin rich juice drinks. I may try them. I have also considered going to the doctor to see if I have any sort of immune problem that's keeping me so lifeless. This option scares me a little. It's possible it's something more like SAD or depression and I'm not ready to admit that yet. I'll tell you a secret though, I did take some medication for depression almost two years ago. Perhaps I need a re-fill?

I have an amazing child and can't seem to enjoy him. I see how cute and wonderful he is, but can't make myself teach him and interact with him as much as I should. I play with him and watch him all the time - he is not neglected. I just feel like I should be doing more. This part makes me the most sad. What if he gets behind in any type of skill because mommy didn't make the effort to teach him something? That brings tears to my eyes.

I guess it's time to do something, anything to make me feel better. So what if that means drugs or something else? Isn't it in the best interest of Peanut for me to find something to get me going? With winter coming it will only get worse. I guess I'll go make a call. Wish me luck.

Mad. Not Going To Take It.

So Peanut was born on a Monday in October. His cousin was born the Friday before. The boys are less than three days apart. They will always have their birthdays right next to each other. There is also a large craft fair that all my sisters usually go to each year. They have been going to this thing for over 10 years. So it's sort of tradition. Anyway, this all happens in a span of one week. So I talked to several family members trying to come up with the best way to have a first birthday party for my son. I didn't want to randomly pick a weekend and force the family to choose between Peanut and Cousin. That didn't seem fair. So I worked it out where we will have a family birthday party for both boys on Saturday at Cousins house. The next Saturday Peanut will have his own party here at home with all his 'friends'. Really our friends that have kids, but still. The friend party is during the craft fair, but I'll just skip it and the family can go.

I called my sister to make a plan and she said "you plan whatever you want since this is your first child’s first birthday." Cousin is her fifth child. So I made the aforementioned plan, sent out invitations, bought plates and other cute birthday party stuff. The party is in nine days. Three days ago a different sister called to see if I would move the party. She wants her daughter (age 6) to go to a cheerleading class from 10 – 2. The party is scheduled for noon. I said no. I didn’t want to have the party at dinner time and then try to put my kid to bed. She scheduled the class anyway and decided she would miss the party and just come late. Today, Cousins mom called to ask if we could move the party. Her husband has some to-do and won’t be home until 5. I said no. My father-in-law probably will only come if it is in the daytime, not evening. She said ok.

As a side story, I wanted to tell Cousins mom that his father has missed half his life and could care less to be there during the party. Does his father even know when his birthday is? You see he travels to the Middle East a lot for work and is gone for up to a couple months at a time. He left my sister at home (with 5 kids,) when Cousin was only about 6 WEEKS old. You can leave a 6 week old, but all the sudden you care if you get cake at noon or a little later? Please.

So I talked to Husband and he suggested we have lunch or something with his father and then go to the party in the evening. That’s all well and good, but I’m so mad that I worked to make sure my one and only son would have a nice party all of his family could attend. Now everyone wants me to change it. It's not fair that husbands family is getting screwed. It's his fathers only grandchild. Don't you think maybe that's a big deal to him? Now he gets to attend a quick lunch instead of a party. I hope he can come to the friend party so he can spend some special time with Peanut. I’m mad. So mad, that I don’t even want to go now. I want to just have his party here and tough love to those that can’t make it. My family sucks the fun out of everything. Next year I’m picking a weekend and whoever can come is welcome. I’m done trying to please everyone.

I’m still mad my sister had a baby so close to us. I feel like Peanut will always be sold short. Will he get the same attention on his birthday at a joint celebration that he would have gotten alone? Is it wrong of me to want that for him? He probably won’t get as many or as nice of gifts, because everyone will have had to buy two instead of just one. Is that wrong too? I’m going to make certain that he knows how important and special he is.

Mr. Sandman

I'm tired. Not just a little, but wiped out. I took Peanut to the Mall today to pick up his pictures and we strolled around for a while. I got to the other end and wondered how I would make it back. My body felt like I'd been running for hours and my mind felt fuzzy. Too tired. When we got home I flopped onto the floor with a pillow and Peanut played a little. I wonder if I'm still sick or lacking in something. I haven't really been all that active, but just walking around the block wears me out.

The timing of this is not good. There are several things around the house that need done. I feel too tired during the day and after husband gets home I just can't seem to move. We're looking for a new babysitter. Did I mention we lost ours? She found a better job. In all honesty I'm happy for her, just a little sad for me. So I want someone to watch Peanut for a few hours each week so I can get some things done and maybe even relax a little. I'm just worn out and having a hard time recovering from that.

I was doing well with the exercise program until I got sick. Now the tired has hit me. I'd like to get back to it, but I can't right now. Blah.

Peanut will be 1 year old in 13 days. Oh my gosh! I can't believe it.

First Blood

We had a garage sale this weekend. Peanut did really well since we didn't have a babysitter. He mostly crawled around the garage and driveway playing with all the junk for sale. By day three he had holes in his socks and a terrible scrape on his big toe. It was all dirty and yucky so we gave him a bath hoping it would soften the dirt. It looked ok, but we would keep an eye on it.

This morning he was barefoot since it was much warmer and just crawling around on the carpet in the living room. I let him crawl up the stairs to the kitchen and when he crossed the bottom of the baby gate I saw a little red streak. There was also a little red in the carpet. I wondered what he had thrown up. He didn't eat anything red for breakfast. It was blood. I started to panic a little, but since he wasn't fussing I new it wasn't serious. I scooped him up and saw his toe bleeding pretty good. We went to the bathroom and ran it under some water. He liked splashing in the sink so that was helpful. It looked ok so I put a sock on him to keep it protected a little.

I'm not ready for all the bumps he is getting. I know the more they walk the more they fall, but geez he looks beat up.

BTW, the garage sale was a success. I'm amazed at the junk that people will buy. We sold a lot of big things, but still have some stuff left.