I haven't turned back yet, literally or figuratively. So far, I have kept a forward pace. Some days the pace is slow. So. Slow. But! I am going forward. For far too long I stood still waiting for something, never understanding the movement is what I was waiting for. So now, I grab my phone, the ipod some water and we're ready to go. Lace up my new running shoes and head to the track and playground. Driving over my head starts to list all the reasons this is a bad idea. Deep in my heart I know it's right. Keep going. Yes, life happens and sometimes we leave early to tend to one kid or another, but next soccer night we're right back at it.
While on the track there is a constant push pull of run, no walk, no go sit down, run free!!! My thoughts are all over the place. The only goal is to get one foot in front of the other. Keep going. Some days I aim for listening to a whole cd. I tried the C25K program on night. I've aimed for running every other lap. Some nights I just walk until I really can't go any further. Usually, two miles each time. Each way is hard in its own right. There is a mental war going on during each lap. Somewhere in my brain thoughts pop up that it's all stupid anyway and what am I even doing. In my heart I know. Keep going. Mental.
I also make deals each lap. Run to that post. Run to the next number. Run until the chorus of the song. Run for one lap. I'm not sure my training methods are really advancing my running capabilities. Still. This method is better than the old method of sitting on the couch. In my head I hear voices of 1DOS sharks too. I hear Karl muttering choice phrases. I hear Mary Beth encouraging me. I hear Amy telling me sharks just get it done, they don't whine about it. I hear Scott and Fred and a few others. Most voices I've never even heard or met the person it belongs to. I just know there is a tank of people ready to support me. I picture them with me, cheering me on. Some days there are visions of running an entire 5K and even though it's never happened before, I know just how good that will feel. So mental.
There is a whole bag of worry I carry on these night too. Will I be alone? Will friends join me? Will my family keep supporting me? I started the idea of doing 5K's with a friend. We agreed to walk and see where it led us. I'm wanting more. No. I'm needing more. I need to be pushed so there is an opportunity to rise. For too many years I have gone with the flow and I can't get that time back. Moving and pushing forward now makes me feel stronger. Badass.
You know what? There is also a whole lot of joy. I feel so lucky to be able to walk on a track. I feel safe, I know the kids are OK. Some nights I know a few folks walking. One night I met someone new. It's a whole new world. The Sun shines on me and there is such peace. The breeze blows and cools me off and I'm so thankful. My heart is full. I love my family for allowing me this time to work on me. On top of it all I'm proud of myself for even trying, but more so for doing it even when the mental games kick in.
So this silly mental game goes on and on. Some days are winners and others not so much. Progress. Move forward. Lace up the shoes and go. The mental game is hard, but the heart is fierce and beats on. I found this quote. "Listen to the promptings of the heart a little more, and listen to the complaints of the mind a little less."
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