So. I'm trying to come up with a post about my journey or wellness and I keep getting derailed by a wide range of pesky feelings. Just when I feel pretty secure about something, the rug gets pulled and those feelings of inadequacy creep on in. My journey is no easier or harder than anyone else, but dang it sure does feel like it some days.
Perspective is a funny thing. I was reminded by a friend of mine. She realized she was taking all her many blessings for granted. The Green Monster had crept in and set up camp. She wanted more, more and even more. Talking to another lady, she realized how foolish she sounded. I get it. I want things I don't really even want. What? Yeah, it makes no sense. I want a giant house with a pool and 100 acres of land. Not really though. I don't want to have to mow or tend a pool. It's like a sugar addiction. You want it even though you really don't want it. Starbucks has its claws in me something fierce. I go several times a week. BUT! I don't even like coffee. What??? Not plain coffee. I like the milk and sugar with a splash of coffee. The sugar addiction has me in its clutches. It is a slow process to wean myself. Logging what I eat helps see where I just don't need or frankly want the extra calories.
Anyway, I'm trying to learn to be comfortable just being me. After years of mostly not liking me, it's hard to let go and accept who I am. There are times I'm on fire and feeling pretty good. Then the alarm goes off the next morning and I have no idea where to even start.
I want to have it all. Wake up in the morning, eat the healthy stuff and feed it to the kids too. No junk in the house. They can eat what they want because it's all OK. Sign the school papers, make the lunches and everyone is off. Tidy up the house, toss in a load of laundry and go about my day. Instead it's a scramble, throw bagels at the kids, make PBJ (every stinking day) and off they go. Yes, there is always laundry. Basically it's a scramble from one thing to the next, whatever is due the next day. Always behind, never ahead, never relaxed and enjoying my day. There is a constant rumble of "I need" and "I've got to" and "I have to". The goal is to get to "I think I'll do x" and "I want to" type of activities. I love my kids dearly, but I'm a busy fool.
Progress over perfection, right? Every day I try. Every day I get up out of bed and try. I think that's pretty good. Sure do or do not, there is no try and all that. Do or do not. OK. I'm doing, not trying. I'm doing. Some days I do it better than other days, but I'm doing it.
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