Saturday, June 21, 2008


Let me start by saying I love my family and have never been happier. That being said I think the postpartum phase has begun. I've been OK for the first few weeks, but I'm still not myself. It's not really the typical depressed, don't want to go anywhere or see anyone feeling. It's more the, tick me off and I'll punch you in the face sort of feeling.

I'm tired. I'm jealous of anyone and everyone sleeping more than me. I'd love to do something all my own for a day even if that meant going to work for eight hours. I'm tired of cooking, cleaning, keeping things in line and laundry. I'm tired of Peanut having no memory of things he is not supposed to do and doing them so often I'm on the brink of screaming. Is two years, eight months the point at which they snap and can do nothing but test me?

I'm tired of still looking/feeling pregnant. I know it's only been three weeks and I'm not expecting it to be different so fast, but my clothes don't fit and I'm tired of being sore. I think as a reward for birthing a child, nature should get your body back to you a lot faster. It would make dealing with things a lot easier.

At the end of the day I have given all I have to Peanut, the baby and the house and there is nothing left for me or Husband. He tries to hold my hand or do some other loving gesture and I can't stand it. I just want to be left alone. It doesn't mean I don't love him, it's just I have nothing left. At night when the baby wakes up he usually gets up with him first and I go to the bathroom and then stumble in to feed the baby. Husband goes back to bed until the next feeding. On one hand I think this makes sense since he has to get up and go to work while I can stay home and sort of lay around all day. But, on the other hand I hate that I have to be awake for an hour to feed, change and get baby back to sleep. Then I get to do it again in two hours.

That's another thing. That whole three hour schedule is bull. I realize you count from the beginning of a feeding to the next, but when it's an hour (or more) until you get done then you only have 1-2 hours before the next feeding. I guess that's some sleep, but just when you get comfortable it's time to get up again.

I feel that breastfeeding is the best option for my kid. It's healthy and good for me and not to mention cheaper than formula. But there are times I think it would be a lot nicer to let someone else take a feeding or two. Husband did offer to feed baby a bottle of pumped milk, but I'd still have to get up and pump so I may as well feed baby.

I'll get over all of this as soon as I get some more sleep and me time. There are things I'd like to do that I just can't yet. Once I can do them I think I'll feel a little more human. Until then, just don't tick me off or you might get that punch to the face. ;)

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