Tears, From Heaven

Something happened to someone I know. We belong to a group together, but I don't really know much about the person. Anyway. Something quite devastating happened to them. I cannot stop crying for them. I cannot stop thinking about it. I cannot stop agonizing over what would I do if it were me.

I do believe God has a plan for each of us. We may never really know the plan, but we have been given spiritual gifts and a passion. It is up to us to use those gifts. We have free will. We have the choice to say "I am not going to do that". Anyway, there is a plan. When something this awful happens to a human being, it is hard to say "thanks be to God".

I am not angry. I am not sure what I am. I guess at this point confusion and maybe disappointment reign. I totally thought things would work out differently. In my heart I had no doubt things would turn out OK. It is not fair.

My problem now is figuring out why this is getting to me. I cannot even think about it without starting to cry. Talking about it is out of the question. I have been praying, trying to find what it is I should get out of this. Why is this affecting me like it is?

Perhaps this tragedy was too close to home? Even though I do not know this person, this could have been my family. This could have been me. But. So could a million other things. I could have lived in Japan and just lost everything. I could live in a country of war. I live in a nice comfortable American city. I have a house, family, clothes, food, car and many more things. So why does this story affect me so? Am I meant to give or do something?

At this point I am exhausted. My body has been a little sick this week and I just cannot take one more ounce of pain. I let myself cry because I think at some point I will be done. Maybe I will never stop thinking of this person. Maybe I have a bond with them. Maybe I am meant to help in some way. I just do not know.

Life will keep going. Days will pass and summer will come and go and years will fade into the background. Somewhere down the line we will have "moved on". I don't want to live in fear that I will miss something. I will open myself up for whatever may come.