Sunday, December 21, 2008

Little Boy Lost

Second Child Syndrome is a real thing. During my pregnancy I heard stories of how baby books were never filled out, if they were even bought. They told me how the second child gets lost in the bustle of activities for the first child. I knew you took far less photos and video of the second.
I didn't believe it. Actually, I did believe it, but I thought I could overcome it. If I just put my mind to it we would have plentiful pictures and video. The baby book would be purchased and filled out even better than the first. I would protect the nap time of the second child, venturing out only when necessary.

How am I doing? Not so good. SF has had life better and worse than Peanut. I knew what mistakes not to make, but I made some anyway. I knew what to look for and when not to panic, but I panicked anyway. I knew not to stress over every feeding, sometimes they eat and sometimes not, but I stressed anyway. I bought the baby book and filled in several pages, but then the baby came and it's not been opened.

There are two things I feel awful about regarding the second child. These are two things I can never fix. I cannot go back in time and change things. I'm trying very hard to not be upset about them. I have the child and he is wonderful. That really is enough for me. If our house were to be destroyed along with all our belongings I would rejoice that my family is safe. Pictures are pieces of paper, but my children are most precious.

The first thing is that I don't know the birth weight of SF. The scale said 9 lbs 13 oz when he was put on it. We had a picture of it. BUT. Twelve hours after his birth he only weighed 9 lbs 1 oz. The doctor and nurses didn't believe he lost that much in so little time. He nursed well and had no other medical problems. The next weight was only a couple ounces less so they think the 9#13 was wrong. So I don't know what his true birth weight was. I'll never know if he was more or less than Peanut. It doesn't matter, but it's a stat. everyone asks and I don't know the answer. My friend K said this "when it's 100 degrees out and someone says 'it's only 98' it's still really F&*$ing hot".

The second thing is that we seem to have lost all pictures of SF before July. Two months of his life are gone. The birth day. Peanut holding him for the first time. Seeing his naked little body on the scale. Looking at him wrapped up laying on his mommy for the first time. Pictures of all the family meeting him for the first time. It's all gone. I can't get it back, though Husband has been trying to find it. I remember every detail. I can see it very clearly. How do I share that with SF in two, six or fifteen years when he asks to see his baby pictures? Will he care? Will he feel like I love him less?

These two things give me a sense of failure. I am heartbroken that we didn't go to the lengths we did to protect everything for Peanut. He has over 1000 pictures and SF has maybe 100, but very few of just him.

My New Year's Resolution will be to constantly have a camera with me to capture the fabulous moments in my children's lives. Another will be to back up everything fanatically.

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