Put a Fork in Me - I am Done

When I say I’m done…

I mean I am tired of being me. I’m at the end of my rope and asking for help. I cannot deal with the kid(s) any more. I want to walk out the door and not come back.

I do pretty well for a while but it’s all building inside. Every time I have to repeat myself, to start counting to 3 or taking a toy away it builds more. Every time I have to tell them to stop, to listen, to pay attention it builds. Every time I have to clean something spilled, put things away they should not have or re-direct them to something else it builds. Then I reach a point where I’m done. I struggle to care.

I’m done. I don’t want to play, to listen to them, to talk to them. I don’t want to be around them. I’m done trying to stay calm, to understand, cleaning things up and thinking of what to do next. I’m done being the nose wiper, the butt wiper the face washer and the hand washer.

I start to think they are better off with someone at a daycare or a nanny. Surely some one doing this as a chosen job is better at it than I am. Someone else can feed them, clean them and tell them the same thing 1000 times before 8am.

I don’t get much of a break. My job is a full time job. The ‘mom’ never turns off. I know you are also the ‘dad’ full time and that does not turn off either. If you get stressed at work you have the luxury of going to the gym for a while or taking off early or getting a drink. When I get stressed I have to make lunch, change diapers, clean up, try to give naps (and not get upset when they don’t) and all the things that stressed me out in the first place. Sure I can go to a gym too, but I have to take the kids with me to the daycare. I can drop them off for 2 hours, knowing they are waiting there for me at the end of it.

This is about me, but I know you have stress too. School and work not to mention the crazy lady at home. All that adds to my stress because I don’t want to bother you. I know you can’t very well leave work whenever I have a bad day.

So what do I do? I thought playing volleyball and having Wednesday night was enough to keep me re-grouped, but there are things in relations to those that stress me out. I still watch them all day, plan meals and whatever. Then occasionally my time off gets overrun by something else. I get pushed aside for another day. I go along with it assuming I will get my time or what else is needed is more important.

So when I’m done – I’m losing my grip. I’m angry, upset, sad and ready to quit. I’m not sure what I want to hear. Maybe something only for me. Something that shows someone else is paying attentions and cares. I’d like a friend. Someone to invite me out. Someone to swap kids with . Someone I can call. Someone I felt close to. Do not suggest I know this person. If I did I would not be writing this – I’d be on the phone with them.

Tonight

Life with kids. It really does change every aspect of your life. I used to stay up late, sleep in and be lazy. Now I stay up later than I should, sleep in as late as I can and while I'm still a bit lazy I have to get moving for the kids. Of course I also had a job to dress for and get to on time. My mom job lets me wear pajamas if I want, though I have to be on time EVERY DAY!

Peanut is a handful again or maybe it's still. I'm not sure he ever stopped. Lately he has become quite adamant. He has no idea about what exactly, but whatever it is he latches onto, he is adamant. For example, he won't call the evening meal 'dinner'. He says he doesn't want dinner, he wants lunch. I think in his mind he wants the type of food you eat at lunch. We typically have a sandwich for lunch and more of a hot meal for dinner. I would guess he wants the sandwich. Who knows?

Also lately he has been getting out of bed a lot more. The first time tonight he asked if I would help get 'Credible Hulk' out of his room. He is a Super Hero freak and sometimes they stay in his room. I guess the gang gets rowdy because occasionally he will ask me to kick someone out. I went in and told him to get out so Peanut could sleep. The next time was a problem with the blanket. He had taken it off the bed and wanted it tucked in.

There is a line of storms headed our way and I really want him asleep before they get here. Otherwise we'll have trouble keeping him in his room for that. Once he is sleeping he is like a log and does not wake up for anything.

SF had some horrible diaper rash. I called the doctor last Monday and go the nurse line. They made some suggestions and said to give it 5 days. By Thursday we couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't really getting any better and he was in some serious pain. It was awful. We took him to the doctor on Thursday afternoon. The doctor took one look and sent us for a special cream. It has medicine for yeast/bacteria and something else mixed with diaper cream. He was better the next morning. It cost $5. I couldn't believe the nurse would make me try other things and wait while my son was in agony when I could have spent $5 for the magic cure. We were glad we didn't wait any longer and I'm guessing so was SF. When your delicate bits are on fire no one is happy.

Hair Yesterday Gone Today

I got a haircut. I've been hating my blah mom hair for a while. It was long, plain and often in a ponytail or bun. Today I decided I have had enough. I called the beauty shop and asked for someone good. They suggested B. OK. I went in and you know the first thing they say is "what are we doing today"? My response was that we needed to talk. I love the length, but it's getting tedious to wash, comb, dry and style. It's blah. I'm willing to make a change and want something easy to fix and cute. Though I was willing to go shorter I think this is a good start. She cut about 7 inches off. I'm having some trouble getting used to it. There is enough for a short ponytail and now I have bangs. I haven't had bangs in many years. They are long and sweep to the side.

So far I love it. Husband says it looks good. Peanut said it looked funny, but enjoyed running his fingers through it. SF still just yanks on it, but at 9 months I expect that. I really hope to start fixing it more often. My attitude is so much better when I am fixed up a bit. Perhaps I shall start getting up earlier to get ready for 'work'.

Also, I toured a gym and got a free week pass. This one has child watch for $2 per day but I'm not sure how involved they will get. The community center has the same thing, but they won't do anything with the child except make sure they don't die. Seriously, they call you to feed, change, pick up or console your child. I'm not a hard core workout person, but I don't want to get paged every 5 minutes. This new place seems to do everything, but the guy wasn't sure they would change a diaper. Give me a break. I'm thinking the odds of SF going two hours without needing a new diaper is 70/30. Like maybe 30% chance he'll need one. I'll try the free week and see what happens. The price is reasonable if the childcare works out.