So. How Have You Been?

I have been trying. Really. It just so happens I try very hard for about a week, maybe more and then...something happens. It is nothing big or exciting. Just...something. Then I stop trying.

I am in the process of starting some serious thinking. When I read that I picture some giant wheel I have to crank to get moving. It starts so slowly, but with time and effort it spins smoothly.

My mind is a jumble. So many thoughts. Some are helpful and lead to more good thinking. Some are strange and just make me feel fuzzy. An outside opinion might help. It has not helped in the past, but this is not the past anymore.

Instead of looking back to see what went wrong, I am trying to look forward to what will be right. I wonder if it is possible to snap out of something today by dreaming of the future?

Anyway, I found this blog again. Maybe I will try using it for a while. At least until...something.

Tears, From Heaven

Something happened to someone I know. We belong to a group together, but I don't really know much about the person. Anyway. Something quite devastating happened to them. I cannot stop crying for them. I cannot stop thinking about it. I cannot stop agonizing over what would I do if it were me.

I do believe God has a plan for each of us. We may never really know the plan, but we have been given spiritual gifts and a passion. It is up to us to use those gifts. We have free will. We have the choice to say "I am not going to do that". Anyway, there is a plan. When something this awful happens to a human being, it is hard to say "thanks be to God".

I am not angry. I am not sure what I am. I guess at this point confusion and maybe disappointment reign. I totally thought things would work out differently. In my heart I had no doubt things would turn out OK. It is not fair.

My problem now is figuring out why this is getting to me. I cannot even think about it without starting to cry. Talking about it is out of the question. I have been praying, trying to find what it is I should get out of this. Why is this affecting me like it is?

Perhaps this tragedy was too close to home? Even though I do not know this person, this could have been my family. This could have been me. But. So could a million other things. I could have lived in Japan and just lost everything. I could live in a country of war. I live in a nice comfortable American city. I have a house, family, clothes, food, car and many more things. So why does this story affect me so? Am I meant to give or do something?

At this point I am exhausted. My body has been a little sick this week and I just cannot take one more ounce of pain. I let myself cry because I think at some point I will be done. Maybe I will never stop thinking of this person. Maybe I have a bond with them. Maybe I am meant to help in some way. I just do not know.

Life will keep going. Days will pass and summer will come and go and years will fade into the background. Somewhere down the line we will have "moved on". I don't want to live in fear that I will miss something. I will open myself up for whatever may come.

I. Am Alive!

I seem to be some kind of super busy despite not having a formal job. This mom thing takes up a lot of time. Neither of my children want to nap so I spend a fair amount of time trying to get them to sleep. Then I am exhausted so nothing productive happens while they sleep.

Day to day it is amazing how much laundry piles up. How many people live here? Why do they wear so many clothes? Most of my days are spent washing. Laundry, dishes, walls, things, faces and bodies. Wash, wash, wash.

It seems like lately we have had a rash of doctor appointments. One child has a hearing issue so we see an Audiologist on a semi-regular basis. The other child has speech issues so we see a therapist for that too. Add on eye, teeth and general body woes and we see a someone in the medical profession once a week, but more likely twice.

I confess it has been a while since I've seen any sort of doctor. I tell myself I am saving money, but when there is nothing wrong with me it seems silly to go in for a check up. I did make an eye appointment. It has been around 5 or so years since last I went. Nothing is wrong, but it seemed to be the least dreadful appointment to make. Do NOT get me started on the dentist. I dislike the dentist. My eyes are fine so check those.

At some point I will need to start a health journey. Something about hearing folks refer their stories as a journey is weird. I get it, but I imagine you packing your bags and literally walking out your door on a journey. I watch the television show about weight loss and they all talk about their weight loss journey. Maybe it's me. Anyway, I need to get healthy. I drink too much soda and coffee. I stay up too late. I don't exercise enough (or at all if you are keeping score here). Needless to say there are some things I can improve upon.

Perhaps writing it all down is the way to go. I'd like to photo document, but my camera is on the outs. The funds are not yet available to get a new one. If I can figure out how to get pictures from my phone to here then we are in business. Baby steps.

Loser - Weight That Is

I am trying to get healthy. Trying. It is slow going, but each day I try to make a better choice along the way. Some days are good and some, well, not so good. After working out so many days I get tired and ready to throw in the towel. It takes a massive effort to push through the laziness.

Fitting in time to workout doesn't sound like it would be that difficult. After all the gym has a child watch area. But packing a bag, getting there, doing the whole workout, showering and getting put back together takes too long. The kids mostly watch movies which aggravates me. If we have anything else planned in our day it takes every spare minute.

Someday I hope to work out at home and not have to rely on the gym. For now the gym is my motivation. I have spent money to go so I go. I wish my body would get into shape faster. The folks on Biggest Loser lose like 10 lbs per week (or a lot more). Granted they work out an insane amount and are restricted on what they can eat. I guess I'd lose that much too. I am waiting for my jeans to feel a bit looser. That will be the test for me. I want some of my clothes to fit.

On My Mind

Wow. Unused blog much?

So, here are my thoughts in no specific order.

I want to be healthier and I am working on it slowly. We will see how it goes. So far the working out is OK. The eating out is ridiculous. I need to plan and prep some meals.

Vacation needs to happen to me soon. I don't really mind where, but it must be relaxing. Our anniversary is coming soon and we are thinking of a long weekend trip somewhere. Maybe St. Louis or Branson or somewhere relatively close.

Our bathroom needs to be repaired. We now have the money and it's a matter of finding someone to do it. We are not 100% certain what we'll do so we need someone flexible.

My kids need a schedule. They also need some discipline. They are both getting into trouble at school for being too aggressive. The brothers beat on each other and laugh at home. It's not so funny at school. I think if we have some set rules on what happens when you misbehave we'll get it taken care of. I'm going to make a schedule so we have activities planned on days they are home. They get bored and start wrestling to entertain themselves.

Our friends want to go to the pool this weekend. I am in no way ready for a swimsuit. Why don't I start preparing for this in October? I am chubby and pasty white. Ugh.

I kind of want another baby. Our situation is not a good one to have another baby. We are struggling with the two we have, not to mention the family 'relations' aren't really happening either. I wish things were running more smoothly here so this was a more viable option.

I'm helping my sister work on her rental houses. She says she'll pay me. Husband says not to take money from her. I work most of the day there and run home to get kids and get dinner, and all the evening stuff going. There is really no time for things to get done at home. I'm thinking I either need to not help as much or get paid. I can't keep up with laundry and I keep forgetting things since I'm not home as much.

I really want to go on a shopping trip. I need some new clothes. I would like to be in better shape first though. I don't need to be stick thin, but a little less jiggle would be nice. Again, I'm working on it.

Easter is coming. Good Friday then Easter. Do you know the story?

More Handy

Here is another blanket. I requested favorite colors and the answer was blue and blue. This is white, blue and a denim mix striped together. It just so happens this family is a fan of the Indy Colts, so it works well for both favorite color and team.

Again, if you have a request leave me a comment.

Handy Me

OK, so I finished three of the four blankets I was making for Christmas, before Christmas. The fourth is giving me fits. I cannot find the motivation to finish it. I spend a couple hours working on it and it's barely any progress. Aack! The farther into the year we get the more guilty I feel for not having it done. My friends are understanding though. The picture above is one of my favorites. It's red, white and navy blue. I really wanted to keep this one. The picture upload thing doesn't seem to be working so I can't get the others to show up. I'll post them later.

Side note: If you want me to make you one, for a small fee of course, I would be happy to. Leave me a comment and we can talk color and patter. It's crochet, not knitting.

Tired Boy

Somtimes he just needs his mommy. This was at Peanuts Christmas program. SF did a great job of being quiet and still and then at the end was just too worn out to be happy.

Raining. Pouring. Just Go Ahead and Kick Me

Good grief. Charlie Brown seems to have it right. For several weeks there was nothing pressing to do. Life sort of moved at a snail pace. Then. I got sick. After that it seems there is no stopping anything. There was little down time today as I drove from place to place taking care of business. Several hundred dollars later things have been put in order. So what now? A yeast infection. TMI anyone? Suck it.

So. This happens to me when I take antibiotics. I forget every time. Or at least, in my fever induced haze I forget to ask when the medicine I'm taking to make me better is going to do to me. Just kick me while I'm down, no?

I think if I had time to think about things too much I would be depressed. As it is, there are things to do and places to go so I don't have a lot of time to dwell. I guess that's good.

The job situation is not going well. I basically missed the Holiday hiring because I was not willing to work evenings and weekends. At least I wasn't willing to work all of them. One or two would have been okay. So now what? I'm not sure. I think I have a job at a seasonal place, but it's been sort of a weird ride and I'm not sure if I actually have a job or if I'm just still in the running. There is another option, but the more time that passes the more I think it's not going to work out at all.

I'm learning I have very high standards when it comes to manners. I guess I'm willing to slide on some things, but if I say I will call at a certain time I will. Especially if it was a business deal. As in, the boss was supposed to call me between 1 and 2 and at 5 something they finally leave me a message saying they are busy. Really? I didn't get that from the not calling. It doesn't give me much faith in the business that certain aspects of it are run so loose. Bottom line is I'm not holding my breath.

A 9 I Tell You!

Doctor said it's Strep. On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst he has seen, I'm a 9. So glad I can excel at something. He gave me a super antibiotic shot, follow up pills and steroids. Mama's going to be high for a while. I do feel better. I managed to eat some toast for dinner. Actually, this is the best diet. All I've had today is a cup of jello and a piece of toast. Let the pounds drop. Yeah, right. Once my throat shrinks to normal size I am EATING. I am so hungry, but the pain of swallowing is just not worth it.

I miss my kids. I have been staying away from them as much as possible so I don't get them sick too. I missed volleyball tonight too. I'm missing all sorts of good stuff. Why is it when we most need to get things done we get wiped out like this? I guess it's really when I need the most rest.

Still sick. I have a lot to do and no time to be out.

Home. Sick. Going to bed. Stories to come. Goodnight.

Children screaming. Adults wiped out. Still eating too much.

Ate a bunch. Played games. Family is crazy.

At my sisters. Good food. Played cards. Peanut up too late. More family tomorrow. More food. I will be more fat.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Over the River and Through the Woods

I sent my oldest child off with Grandma today. This is the first time he will spend the night there without us. I'm nervous. I think everything will go perfectly lovely, but my mother raised kids a while ago and things have changed. My kid is unique and I'm not sure she will appreciate that. He talks, a lot. If you can go with the flow it can be amusing. Anything less and it's annoying. He likes to make decisions. I think she is more of a here you go kind of person, where he would rather get some options. Maybe the fun of being on an adventure will overrule any problems.

I am also concerned about him sleeping. He had a rough night last night and I hope that doesn't affect him tonight.

In other news, the house is quiet. The little one is still glued to me, but is sleeping now. Husband is off playing soccer so it's really just me, typing away. Click, clack. Moo.

So, tomorrow we are off to my sister's house. It will be overwhelming to say the least, but hopefully we have a good time. We'll be having a birthday party as well so that should mix things up a bit.

I Want Mommy

I guess it's true about kids wanting mommy. Peanut was crying and Husband ran up to his room. Everything was quiet so I hung back for a minute. After about two or maybe three minutes I went up to see what was happening. Peanut was sitting on the edge of his bed laughing hysterically. I'm not sure he was awake. We tried talking to him, but it didn't phase him. He just kept laughing. He had also wet his pants. I started to take off his wet clothes and the laughing turned to crying. With only his pajama top on he went to sit on daddy's lap. I started to make the bed and clean the wet spot on the floor.

Daddy was sitting in the chair with Peanut on his lap and the comforter wrapped around them. He wasn't saying much but was clearly exhausted. As I was making the bed Peanut started to whimper and reach for me. Daddy and I switched places. I asked him if he was hurt as he occasionally wakes up with leg pains or cramps. He nodded that something hurt, but couldn't tell me or point to what it was. Finally, I figured he had a bad dream so I asked and he nodded. I asked if that made him feel yucky and again he nodded. I guess he didn't know how to say he was bummed out because of his dream.

I started talking about our upcoming family gathering and how fun it would be to see all the family. He seemed to perk up a bit at the idea of Thanksgiving and seeing everyone. He doesn't know it yet, but he gets to go home with Grandma tomorrow to spend the night there. I think he will be wild with excitement. It's still a secret so I just told how much fun the other stuff would be. He promptly fell asleep on me. We did manage to get the rest of his pajamas on before all that so at least all I had to do was get him in bed. That was no small task since he weighs a ton and a half when asleep. Plus he was wrapped up in the comforter so I couldn't really get him in bed with the covers straight. Oh well.

Sleep well baby. Sweet dreams. I am very thankful we had something fun coming up to cheer him up. Poor guy.

Bruiser

We went to a birthday party today. Peanut was dressed at Superman and looked great. It was a come as your favorite Super Hero kind of party. It was pretty neat as the parents went all out for decorations and such.

Anyway, most of the others had left and a few of us were in the back yard playing soccer, football and Frisbee. Next thing you know Peanut is crying little tears of blood from his right eye. Don't panic, it was just a drop or maybe two. The clear tears were plentiful. We finally got some of the story. The other kid threw the Frisbee at Peanut and it hit him in the eye. It was sort of a big Nerf thing, but I think the kid was really close and he can throw quite hard. So, his eye is all puffy and red. I think we'll call the eye doctor tomorrow just to make sure no lasting damage was done.

He and I? Me and Him? Us. Together.

I got to spend some one on one time with Peanut today. I had some errands to do and he wanted to go with me. Little did I know he really should have stayed home to nap. Oh well. He stayed happy until just before bedtime. That's when he started to lose his marbles. We went to a little craft fair and Walmart. He did great. I forget how entertaining he is. He is always talking, asking questions and telling me stories. Basically, the kid never stops talking. As long as he is happy it's cute. Once he is cranky it gets tiring.

He got to see Santa today. He wants a skateboard and a scooter. Santa said those were fun things and gave him a candy cane. Yah. I'm not sure what I would say to a four year old asking for those things. The kid is not really all that coordinated either. He has fallen down just standing there. I guess they have to learn things sometime. We'll see what happens.

Tomorrow is a friends birthday party. The theme is the Justice League. Peanut will be Superman. I'm not sure about SF. I guess I didn't plan anything for him. We do have a Batman outfit though. Maybe he can wear that.

Crafty

I like to think I am a creative person. However, I really just have good intentions. There is a craft fair this weekend and I somehow volunteered to make some things to sell. The items are not difficult to make, just tedious. After the first few I was tired of making them. So I didn't make very many things and I feel guilty about it. I'm not even sure people will buy any of it. I'm not sure what to think.

Now that I step back and look at some of the things, they look really nice. I wish I would have concentrated and made more. Guilt.

I hate guilt. It's such an awful feeling to be so aware of how you messed up. No one else is to blame and when you realize that, blerg, it feels yucky.

It was lovely today to be free from the children and get some things done. I couldn't really focus on any one thing because I felt like I had to do so much. Then when I got SF the teacher said he wasn't feeling well. Guilt Strikes Again!! I sent him back because he seemed OK. No fever for a few days, eating OK, pooping OK, sleeping OK. Then she said he didn't eat much, didn't nap and had loose poops. Great. She must think I'm oblivious to my own childs sickness. Guilt. I felt so bad. I hope we can perk him up this weekend. Next week promises to be quite busy.