So. How Have You Been?

I have been trying. Really. It just so happens I try very hard for about a week, maybe more and then...something happens. It is nothing big or exciting. Just...something. Then I stop trying.

I am in the process of starting some serious thinking. When I read that I picture some giant wheel I have to crank to get moving. It starts so slowly, but with time and effort it spins smoothly.

My mind is a jumble. So many thoughts. Some are helpful and lead to more good thinking. Some are strange and just make me feel fuzzy. An outside opinion might help. It has not helped in the past, but this is not the past anymore.

Instead of looking back to see what went wrong, I am trying to look forward to what will be right. I wonder if it is possible to snap out of something today by dreaming of the future?

Anyway, I found this blog again. Maybe I will try using it for a while. At least until...something.

Tears, From Heaven

Something happened to someone I know. We belong to a group together, but I don't really know much about the person. Anyway. Something quite devastating happened to them. I cannot stop crying for them. I cannot stop thinking about it. I cannot stop agonizing over what would I do if it were me.

I do believe God has a plan for each of us. We may never really know the plan, but we have been given spiritual gifts and a passion. It is up to us to use those gifts. We have free will. We have the choice to say "I am not going to do that". Anyway, there is a plan. When something this awful happens to a human being, it is hard to say "thanks be to God".

I am not angry. I am not sure what I am. I guess at this point confusion and maybe disappointment reign. I totally thought things would work out differently. In my heart I had no doubt things would turn out OK. It is not fair.

My problem now is figuring out why this is getting to me. I cannot even think about it without starting to cry. Talking about it is out of the question. I have been praying, trying to find what it is I should get out of this. Why is this affecting me like it is?

Perhaps this tragedy was too close to home? Even though I do not know this person, this could have been my family. This could have been me. But. So could a million other things. I could have lived in Japan and just lost everything. I could live in a country of war. I live in a nice comfortable American city. I have a house, family, clothes, food, car and many more things. So why does this story affect me so? Am I meant to give or do something?

At this point I am exhausted. My body has been a little sick this week and I just cannot take one more ounce of pain. I let myself cry because I think at some point I will be done. Maybe I will never stop thinking of this person. Maybe I have a bond with them. Maybe I am meant to help in some way. I just do not know.

Life will keep going. Days will pass and summer will come and go and years will fade into the background. Somewhere down the line we will have "moved on". I don't want to live in fear that I will miss something. I will open myself up for whatever may come.

I. Am Alive!

I seem to be some kind of super busy despite not having a formal job. This mom thing takes up a lot of time. Neither of my children want to nap so I spend a fair amount of time trying to get them to sleep. Then I am exhausted so nothing productive happens while they sleep.

Day to day it is amazing how much laundry piles up. How many people live here? Why do they wear so many clothes? Most of my days are spent washing. Laundry, dishes, walls, things, faces and bodies. Wash, wash, wash.

It seems like lately we have had a rash of doctor appointments. One child has a hearing issue so we see an Audiologist on a semi-regular basis. The other child has speech issues so we see a therapist for that too. Add on eye, teeth and general body woes and we see a someone in the medical profession once a week, but more likely twice.

I confess it has been a while since I've seen any sort of doctor. I tell myself I am saving money, but when there is nothing wrong with me it seems silly to go in for a check up. I did make an eye appointment. It has been around 5 or so years since last I went. Nothing is wrong, but it seemed to be the least dreadful appointment to make. Do NOT get me started on the dentist. I dislike the dentist. My eyes are fine so check those.

At some point I will need to start a health journey. Something about hearing folks refer their stories as a journey is weird. I get it, but I imagine you packing your bags and literally walking out your door on a journey. I watch the television show about weight loss and they all talk about their weight loss journey. Maybe it's me. Anyway, I need to get healthy. I drink too much soda and coffee. I stay up too late. I don't exercise enough (or at all if you are keeping score here). Needless to say there are some things I can improve upon.

Perhaps writing it all down is the way to go. I'd like to photo document, but my camera is on the outs. The funds are not yet available to get a new one. If I can figure out how to get pictures from my phone to here then we are in business. Baby steps.

On My Mind

Wow. Unused blog much?

So, here are my thoughts in no specific order.

I want to be healthier and I am working on it slowly. We will see how it goes. So far the working out is OK. The eating out is ridiculous. I need to plan and prep some meals.

Vacation needs to happen to me soon. I don't really mind where, but it must be relaxing. Our anniversary is coming soon and we are thinking of a long weekend trip somewhere. Maybe St. Louis or Branson or somewhere relatively close.

Our bathroom needs to be repaired. We now have the money and it's a matter of finding someone to do it. We are not 100% certain what we'll do so we need someone flexible.

My kids need a schedule. They also need some discipline. They are both getting into trouble at school for being too aggressive. The brothers beat on each other and laugh at home. It's not so funny at school. I think if we have some set rules on what happens when you misbehave we'll get it taken care of. I'm going to make a schedule so we have activities planned on days they are home. They get bored and start wrestling to entertain themselves.

Our friends want to go to the pool this weekend. I am in no way ready for a swimsuit. Why don't I start preparing for this in October? I am chubby and pasty white. Ugh.

I kind of want another baby. Our situation is not a good one to have another baby. We are struggling with the two we have, not to mention the family 'relations' aren't really happening either. I wish things were running more smoothly here so this was a more viable option.

I'm helping my sister work on her rental houses. She says she'll pay me. Husband says not to take money from her. I work most of the day there and run home to get kids and get dinner, and all the evening stuff going. There is really no time for things to get done at home. I'm thinking I either need to not help as much or get paid. I can't keep up with laundry and I keep forgetting things since I'm not home as much.

I really want to go on a shopping trip. I need some new clothes. I would like to be in better shape first though. I don't need to be stick thin, but a little less jiggle would be nice. Again, I'm working on it.

Easter is coming. Good Friday then Easter. Do you know the story?