So. How Have You Been?

I have been trying. Really. It just so happens I try very hard for about a week, maybe more and then...something happens. It is nothing big or exciting. Just...something. Then I stop trying.

I am in the process of starting some serious thinking. When I read that I picture some giant wheel I have to crank to get moving. It starts so slowly, but with time and effort it spins smoothly.

My mind is a jumble. So many thoughts. Some are helpful and lead to more good thinking. Some are strange and just make me feel fuzzy. An outside opinion might help. It has not helped in the past, but this is not the past anymore.

Instead of looking back to see what went wrong, I am trying to look forward to what will be right. I wonder if it is possible to snap out of something today by dreaming of the future?

Anyway, I found this blog again. Maybe I will try using it for a while. At least until...something.

Tears, From Heaven

Something happened to someone I know. We belong to a group together, but I don't really know much about the person. Anyway. Something quite devastating happened to them. I cannot stop crying for them. I cannot stop thinking about it. I cannot stop agonizing over what would I do if it were me.

I do believe God has a plan for each of us. We may never really know the plan, but we have been given spiritual gifts and a passion. It is up to us to use those gifts. We have free will. We have the choice to say "I am not going to do that". Anyway, there is a plan. When something this awful happens to a human being, it is hard to say "thanks be to God".

I am not angry. I am not sure what I am. I guess at this point confusion and maybe disappointment reign. I totally thought things would work out differently. In my heart I had no doubt things would turn out OK. It is not fair.

My problem now is figuring out why this is getting to me. I cannot even think about it without starting to cry. Talking about it is out of the question. I have been praying, trying to find what it is I should get out of this. Why is this affecting me like it is?

Perhaps this tragedy was too close to home? Even though I do not know this person, this could have been my family. This could have been me. But. So could a million other things. I could have lived in Japan and just lost everything. I could live in a country of war. I live in a nice comfortable American city. I have a house, family, clothes, food, car and many more things. So why does this story affect me so? Am I meant to give or do something?

At this point I am exhausted. My body has been a little sick this week and I just cannot take one more ounce of pain. I let myself cry because I think at some point I will be done. Maybe I will never stop thinking of this person. Maybe I have a bond with them. Maybe I am meant to help in some way. I just do not know.

Life will keep going. Days will pass and summer will come and go and years will fade into the background. Somewhere down the line we will have "moved on". I don't want to live in fear that I will miss something. I will open myself up for whatever may come.

Tired Boy

Somtimes he just needs his mommy. This was at Peanuts Christmas program. SF did a great job of being quiet and still and then at the end was just too worn out to be happy.

Over the River and Through the Woods

I sent my oldest child off with Grandma today. This is the first time he will spend the night there without us. I'm nervous. I think everything will go perfectly lovely, but my mother raised kids a while ago and things have changed. My kid is unique and I'm not sure she will appreciate that. He talks, a lot. If you can go with the flow it can be amusing. Anything less and it's annoying. He likes to make decisions. I think she is more of a here you go kind of person, where he would rather get some options. Maybe the fun of being on an adventure will overrule any problems.

I am also concerned about him sleeping. He had a rough night last night and I hope that doesn't affect him tonight.

In other news, the house is quiet. The little one is still glued to me, but is sleeping now. Husband is off playing soccer so it's really just me, typing away. Click, clack. Moo.

So, tomorrow we are off to my sister's house. It will be overwhelming to say the least, but hopefully we have a good time. We'll be having a birthday party as well so that should mix things up a bit.

Bruiser

We went to a birthday party today. Peanut was dressed at Superman and looked great. It was a come as your favorite Super Hero kind of party. It was pretty neat as the parents went all out for decorations and such.

Anyway, most of the others had left and a few of us were in the back yard playing soccer, football and Frisbee. Next thing you know Peanut is crying little tears of blood from his right eye. Don't panic, it was just a drop or maybe two. The clear tears were plentiful. We finally got some of the story. The other kid threw the Frisbee at Peanut and it hit him in the eye. It was sort of a big Nerf thing, but I think the kid was really close and he can throw quite hard. So, his eye is all puffy and red. I think we'll call the eye doctor tomorrow just to make sure no lasting damage was done.

He and I? Me and Him? Us. Together.

I got to spend some one on one time with Peanut today. I had some errands to do and he wanted to go with me. Little did I know he really should have stayed home to nap. Oh well. He stayed happy until just before bedtime. That's when he started to lose his marbles. We went to a little craft fair and Walmart. He did great. I forget how entertaining he is. He is always talking, asking questions and telling me stories. Basically, the kid never stops talking. As long as he is happy it's cute. Once he is cranky it gets tiring.

He got to see Santa today. He wants a skateboard and a scooter. Santa said those were fun things and gave him a candy cane. Yah. I'm not sure what I would say to a four year old asking for those things. The kid is not really all that coordinated either. He has fallen down just standing there. I guess they have to learn things sometime. We'll see what happens.

Tomorrow is a friends birthday party. The theme is the Justice League. Peanut will be Superman. I'm not sure about SF. I guess I didn't plan anything for him. We do have a Batman outfit though. Maybe he can wear that.

Crafty

I like to think I am a creative person. However, I really just have good intentions. There is a craft fair this weekend and I somehow volunteered to make some things to sell. The items are not difficult to make, just tedious. After the first few I was tired of making them. So I didn't make very many things and I feel guilty about it. I'm not even sure people will buy any of it. I'm not sure what to think.

Now that I step back and look at some of the things, they look really nice. I wish I would have concentrated and made more. Guilt.

I hate guilt. It's such an awful feeling to be so aware of how you messed up. No one else is to blame and when you realize that, blerg, it feels yucky.

It was lovely today to be free from the children and get some things done. I couldn't really focus on any one thing because I felt like I had to do so much. Then when I got SF the teacher said he wasn't feeling well. Guilt Strikes Again!! I sent him back because he seemed OK. No fever for a few days, eating OK, pooping OK, sleeping OK. Then she said he didn't eat much, didn't nap and had loose poops. Great. She must think I'm oblivious to my own childs sickness. Guilt. I felt so bad. I hope we can perk him up this weekend. Next week promises to be quite busy.

Random

Baby sick. 101.4 Big one seems OK so far. I am tired. Lot's of holding a heavy boy today.

I have applied at so many jobs I no longer remember where I have applied. Please, someone hire me.

I am running out of time to complete the projects I am working on. I think I'm going to have to pick on and finish the rest later. That's not too bad. I'll see whose birthday is coming up next and the one that is last gets their project finished. Or we can have Christmas sometime in July.

Insurance plans are confusing. I need a diagram or something. All the plans are sort of pukey, but which one is the least pukey? Not sure. Flip a coin?

Snow? Seems like it could be happening very soon. I'll make Hot Punch.

And the Chiefs Won

I like playing volleyball. I wish I were better at it though. The mistakes I make are usually so stupid. Maybe it's an alertness issue? I think if I would start exercising a bit other than once a week I would be better athletically. Oh well. I'm glad I get to play each week. I do hope I still get to play on Monday too. That league is more challenging and fun too.

We had a nice day relaxing and not doing much. Grandpa was here in the morning and the boys played with him for quite a while. After he left we had lunch and round one of naps. After that we played Wii with the boys. That was actually a lot of fun. Husband and Peanut were a team and SF and I were a team. SF mostly wandered around the room playing, but he occasionally sat next to me. All in all it was a good day.

Woof

Meet the children. At least, they were the children before we had the human kind. If you can't tell their size from the picture the one on the left is about 55 lbs and the one on the right is about 70lbs. They are inside dogs and always have been. They spend most of the day outside, but sleep inside. In the old house, before kids, they were allowed all over the house. At night they slept on doggie beds in our bedroom. Once in a while in winter they got to sleep on the bed with us. This never lasted too long as we ran out of room or got tired of a paw in our back. In this house they stay downstairs. They still have the doggie beds, but no more snuggling on the bed. Occasionally when we go downstairs to watch a movie they come lay on the couch by us. They are still good dogs, just not "the children" anymore.

I Hope

Hearing of someone else having a much worse time than you really puts things in perspective. I have been sort of wallowing in my life lately and today I got a new view. There were several people that had very serious things happening in their lives. They are not just getting tired of doing laundry, tired of doing the dishes or tired of vacuuming. They are worried about loved ones dying, children living too short lives, friends turning their backs. It just does not compare. Sure, my troubles are mine, and to me, maybe they are worth getting a little grumpy over. There are so many more things that could be wrong. I am thankful so much is right.

A good friend of mine has been down for a while. Today she was kicked while she was down. I won't share her story here, but I hope to share it in real life. I hope to be there to hold her hand if she needs. I hope to take her a nice meal to keep up her strength. I hope to hear the good news that things have turned around.

I believe things are the way they are for a reason. There is something learn or know or experience. There are several situations that I hope have been taught, shown or lived and things can turn around and move to a positive light. The time will come and I hope it's soon.

Summer of '09

This is a summer of firsts for Peanut. He got to have S'mores at a friends house. He got to watch and help do some fireworks and something else I can't remember right now. He has really been having fun.

The fireworks have been the newest thing since the 4th was just yesterday. Thursday some of the neighbor kids were shooting some off and we walked to the end of the block to watch. One of the dads let him have a sparkler. He wasn't sure what to do at first, but his friend A was there and showed him how. A is five so he knows how a sparkler is done. Anyway, it was cute watching him with the older boys. He, at 3 1/2 is the youngest of the bunch. I would guess most of them are between 7 and 10. They are all very nice to him. They talk to him and help him out with things. It's wonderful. They don't treat him like a little kid. Maybe his size has something to do with it, but I'm glad they seem to accept him.

Friday we had some friends over for dinner and Peanut got to see a few more fireworks at our house. He and J did several boxes of those little snappers and sparklers. Husband and his buddy J shot of some simple things. It was a nice evening, especially since I got to hold baby S for a while. He's just one month old. So cute! Saturday we went to see more friends and Peanut got to play with his other friend A. They did really great. Usually they have a few squabbles, but last night they played for hours. I put Sweetface to bed and the adults got to play a game for a while. I hated to leave, but it was getting late.

All in all summer has been good to us so far. We've only been to the pool a couple times, but now that it's warmer we can go more often. It's hard to go by myself with the two kids, but if we go right when Husband gets home from work we have about an hour or so to play. That's plenty.

Edited: I remembered the other thing. He got to go to Coldstone to order his first ice cream. Chocolate Jello Pudding ice cream with Marshmallows. Yum!

The Memories are Sweet

Tomorrow. One year ago almost to the minute I was preparing for my last good nights sleep. Husband was home from class and we were discussing the pros and cons of not going to the hospital the night before the induction. He said we could sleep good for one more night. It was close to 11 pm and finally we brushed teeth and went to bed. Only an hour later I snapped out of my dream saying "uh oh" and then saying it again a minute later as I was finally wide awake. My water broke. I grabbed a towel off the floor and ran to the bathroom.

I remember it like it was last night. I remember being excited and so calm. I remember waiting to find out if it was a girl or not. Then, finally, I had my baby. He looked just like Peanut. I was instantly in love. He was perfect. He nursed great, he snuggled and slept. The love was instant. They placed him on my chest and he was full in my heart already. He still is. He really is my Sweetface. He goes everywhere with me and is usually good natured about the whole thing. When he puts his head on my shoulder I'm not sure how I can contain this much love. My eyes well up with tears, the love is literally pouring out of me.

There will be a party tomorrow in celebration of my little boy turning one. He has earned every minute of it. He has five teeth and took his first steps four days before his birthday. He sleeps through the night, takes two naps during the day and eats like a champ (mostly). He wears 12 month clothes but sometimes needs 18 month. He is not nearly as tall as Peanut was, but weighs nearly the same. His eyes are blue and his hair is reddish blond and way too long. I love this boy with every pulse I have, with every breath I take. He is the most precious gift I have ever received and I am thankful for him every day.

Family is arriving and will stay through the weekend. Friends are coming tomorrow. So many people to come celebrate one of my two blessings. I am lucky. The cakes are made, the gifts are wrapped. I will frost/decorate cakes, vegetables will be chopped and punch will be made in the morning. After lunch the balloons will be strung up. I've given my worry to one that can handle it. His hands are bigger. I will only enjoy the memories of that day one year ago.

Little Boy Lost

Second Child Syndrome is a real thing. During my pregnancy I heard stories of how baby books were never filled out, if they were even bought. They told me how the second child gets lost in the bustle of activities for the first child. I knew you took far less photos and video of the second.
I didn't believe it. Actually, I did believe it, but I thought I could overcome it. If I just put my mind to it we would have plentiful pictures and video. The baby book would be purchased and filled out even better than the first. I would protect the nap time of the second child, venturing out only when necessary.

How am I doing? Not so good. SF has had life better and worse than Peanut. I knew what mistakes not to make, but I made some anyway. I knew what to look for and when not to panic, but I panicked anyway. I knew not to stress over every feeding, sometimes they eat and sometimes not, but I stressed anyway. I bought the baby book and filled in several pages, but then the baby came and it's not been opened.

There are two things I feel awful about regarding the second child. These are two things I can never fix. I cannot go back in time and change things. I'm trying very hard to not be upset about them. I have the child and he is wonderful. That really is enough for me. If our house were to be destroyed along with all our belongings I would rejoice that my family is safe. Pictures are pieces of paper, but my children are most precious.

The first thing is that I don't know the birth weight of SF. The scale said 9 lbs 13 oz when he was put on it. We had a picture of it. BUT. Twelve hours after his birth he only weighed 9 lbs 1 oz. The doctor and nurses didn't believe he lost that much in so little time. He nursed well and had no other medical problems. The next weight was only a couple ounces less so they think the 9#13 was wrong. So I don't know what his true birth weight was. I'll never know if he was more or less than Peanut. It doesn't matter, but it's a stat. everyone asks and I don't know the answer. My friend K said this "when it's 100 degrees out and someone says 'it's only 98' it's still really F&*$ing hot".

The second thing is that we seem to have lost all pictures of SF before July. Two months of his life are gone. The birth day. Peanut holding him for the first time. Seeing his naked little body on the scale. Looking at him wrapped up laying on his mommy for the first time. Pictures of all the family meeting him for the first time. It's all gone. I can't get it back, though Husband has been trying to find it. I remember every detail. I can see it very clearly. How do I share that with SF in two, six or fifteen years when he asks to see his baby pictures? Will he care? Will he feel like I love him less?

These two things give me a sense of failure. I am heartbroken that we didn't go to the lengths we did to protect everything for Peanut. He has over 1000 pictures and SF has maybe 100, but very few of just him.

My New Year's Resolution will be to constantly have a camera with me to capture the fabulous moments in my children's lives. Another will be to back up everything fanatically.

It's Ugly Here

There is a lot of anger living in our house. We all seem to have anger issues. Peanut is 3 so you can understand he has a million things wrong or at least thinks he does. Of course, 99% of that is easily fixed. Thumper (who will now be known as SweetFace or SF) is 6 months so there are a few things that anger him. Mostly he wants to eat and we can't get the food in his mouth fast enough. Or, like tonight, he backed himself under the coffee table and got stuck again. These are also easily fixes. No, it's the anger that Husband and I carry that is the issue.

We aren't connecting like we used to. I guess kids does that to a couple, but I'm not sure how to get over it. We spend so much time getting from one tantrum to the next until bedtime, that we are both wiped out. Then we spend the evening/night doing all the things that need to be done. Babysitters are hard to find (and afford) so we don't go out much. At one point we each had a night off to go out, alone. Even that has been reduced to a couple of hours. Husband goes to his study group one night and school another. I play volleyball and have a study group. Both of those last 2-3 hours. I don't think it's enough for either of us.

I'm tired of pretending it's OK when I hear yelling in the house. I'm tired of making Husband feel bad when I call him out on anger issues. Yes, I'm sure it makes him feel bad, but am I not supposed to step in? I'm tired of pretending it doesn't bother me just to keep the peace. Mostly, I'm tired.

I love being a mom and I have two great kids, but I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the all the time-ness that seems to have taken over. I haven't had a haircut in a salon in over a year. My sister cut it 6 months ago, but it needs professional help now. I haven't gone out to do it because I hate asking Husband to watch this kids. I know he has a rough time and gets angry. So instead I just stay home. Perhaps the hour or two for volleyball and the 2-3 hours for study group is enough to ask him to watch them. It's easier for Husband to go out. It seems like when he gets time off it's a lot of time. I hate to keep score, but when he goes out he doesn't have to take a child with him (though he usually does take Peanut when he can). I usually do have to take SF. Otherwise I have to be back every 3-4 hours to feed him or use the milk in the freezer thus confirming no babysitter since there would be no milk.

On top of all of this I think we lost the baby pictures of SF. I can't find anything earlier than two months. It's bad enough he has second child syndrome and there are hardly any pictures of him, but now we have nothing. It makes me sick to think of it.

So right now it's not pretty here. The stress is getting to me. I'm tired.

Merry Christmas

Miracles Really Do Happen

We started sleep training Thumper on Monday. Basically, we do a bedtime routine then put him in bed and leave. He has cried anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour. This crying hurts me more than anything. Knowing I could instantly stop it and don't is hard. Tonight I gave him a bath, put pajamas on, read two books and sang a short song. He seemed pretty wired, but I put him down and kissed his head goodnight. Not a peep has been heard (knock wood).

In other news we are babysitting my almost 7 year old nephew, S. His sister has an activity out of town and he would be totally bored there. My sister J asked if we'd watch him overnight and most of tomorrow. I agreed, but with zero excitement. It's not that he is any trouble, but I just don't know how to relate to him. Peanut LOVES to play with S, but he gets tired of him. Maybe it's just because he's kind of awkward. Long legs, skinny, losing teeth and kind of a dodo bird. He's like his father in that respect. Neither of them really ever think. I don't expect a 7 year old to be brilliant, but I do expect them to understand certain things. Only recently did he know the difference between a front and back door and which was located where. I hope I can relate to my own sons more when they are his age.

Husband offered to watch the kids so I could go to a spa tomorrow. I never sat down and decided where to go and what to do until last night and it was too late to make an appointment. I guess I'll wait a bit longer. It seems something always comes up. Perhaps I will go clothes shopping tomorrow. I need some jeans to wear. The one pair that fit me are starting to wear out from wearing them all the time. I need another pair to balance out. Looks like I might end up taking Thumper with me though. Depends on if I can squeeze out some milk or not. He shouldn't be much of a problem.

We're hosting dinner for a bunch of people on Sunday. We've been to their houses for dinner and it's sort of a nice thing to pay them back, but at the same time having so many people over stresses me out. I hate things getting out of place. My house is always a mess, but the chaos of so many people roaming around gets to me. Especially, when some of those people are under age 10. Wish me luck!

Second Birthday Party

So last weekend was the birthday party with my family. The plan was relatively simple. We go to a park around 11 am to play, eat lunch and open gifts. Then we go across the parking lot to the indoor pool. Once everyone is done with that, they go home. This way my house doesn't have to get all messed up and I am much more relaxed with the (eight that can walk) kids being monkeys outside.

However, there were some problems. First the pool pass we were going to buy was not available so everyone was going to cost $2 more per person. Not a huge deal, but more complicated than with the pass. We worked around this. Second, my mother left me a voicemail the day before. Through her sobs she said she wasn't coming. I called my sister to get the story and through her sobs told me what happened. So I called my mom back and she was driving to my house. I won't go into the whole story, but for a few hours there was some serious drama. It all worked out, but it's not the way I would have liked. Third, one of the kids almost drowned. No really. He was alone and wandered to the lazy river and got swept away. He was bobbing along when Husband and I got to him and pulled him out. The lifeguard was just a few feet away not paying any attention to the three year old drowning in front of him. Once we got him out and gave him to his mother I yelled at him. I wish I would have told the manager. There is no excuse.

The boys had a great time and the adults enjoyed themselves too. I made a Spiderman cake that impressed the kids and made it all worth it. We were worn out and tired, but it was a total success.

On My Mind

First, my kid is sick. Peanut has had a runny nose for over a week and in the last few days a cough has developed. Today a fever popped up. It is low-grade, but will be watched. Tonight he was coughing so hard he threw up. He was pretty upset about it. Daddy did a great job calming him down and I changed all the bedding. During the day he would cough and look at me with tears in his eyes as if to say 'mommy, make it stop'. How I wish I could have. It really breaks my heart to see my kid sick.

So, no school for him tomorrow. As a mother I totally understand and he should stay home and I'll nurse him to health if I can. As an individual that is very used to sending him to school on a Wednesday I'm disappointed to have to give up 'my' day. Even though I still have Thumper I can relax quite a bit. Sure Thumper cries, but I feed him and put him to sleep and things are great.

Oh well. We'll probably end up watching television for most of the day. That's OK. Kids need those lazy sick days. It won't hurt him to be spoiled for an extra day. My concern at this point is to keep the other 3 family members from getting it. I pretty much get everything that gets anywhere near me so I'm probably going to get it. Please, please, please do not let the baby get it. That is the last thing we need.

Second, I am supposed to be helping my sister with a paint job. I did tell her ahead of time that this is her job and I would help when I could. I spent about 6 hours there yesterday and got 2 1/2 hours worth of work done. It's hard to work with a baby. He was extra fussy yesterday and didn't nap well. I was frustrated. When you have a baby you know you won't get stuff done, but you still want to. Anyway, I didn't work today and won't tomorrow or Thursday. So maybe on Friday if we all stay healthy I might get to work some. I have to keep reminding myself the kids come first and anything after that is gravy for me.

I told my sister tonight that I might have to stay home. She was pretty uncaring about it. She basically said 'whatever'. I was a little sad until I realized the other option is she makes me feel bad for not being there. Neither option was one I wanted, but I'm not sure there was one in between. Maybe she could have said something about she understands, but she'll still miss having me there. Yes. That would have been nice to hear.

Third. I'm tired. Have I mentioned that before? Oh. Well it's still true. I don't feel appreciated. Do I toot my own horn to get attention? That somehow feels fake. If no one notices what I do, then what's the point. I don't want to have to list what I do so someone can then say oh wow.

Fourth. Did I mention the cleaning people are gone? It was a mix up and I don't miss them really, but I miss having a clean house. We are total slackers when it comes to cleaning. Right now we have an excuse with the sick kids, but what then? I guess I'll try to find a new person soon.

No One in the Bedroom

So, I had a baby not long ago. There are lots of books and whatever that says you should wait 6 weeks to do the deed after the birth. That's great. I was just sort of feeling slightly back to normal at 6 weeks. So here we are at almost 11 weeks and lets just say we haven't had 'relations' in a while.

On one hand I think we should sort of get it over with. The first time I mean. After that I think it will get better and we'll get back into the groove, so to speak. On the other hand I'm not interested so why force it? I guess because if we don't get to it, we may start having some issues.

I'm beat at the end of the day. Keeping up with the kids and the house is draining. Plus, Husband is in an MBA program and he is crazy busy with school. Two nights a week he is home late and the other nights he is usually doing homework. We rarely go to bed at the same time. Not much love happening there. I'm not complaining. I know he has to study to do well at school and I want him to do well. It's just that sometimes I want him to pay more attention to me.

I guess maybe 2 months isn't that long and I should give us a break. I was just thinking about it.

Water Boy

We went to the Lake over the weekend. I actually suggested it on Friday. I figured it would be one of the last weekends for us to go this summer. I told husband that it was a lot of work to pack the kids and dogs, but we should go anyway. In reality it's more work than fun, but it's nice to go to see my father-in-law.

So we left early Saturday morning and only had to stop once to feed the baby. Once we were there we hopped on the boat and went for a ride. It was great. FIL drove and we sat with the kids. Thumper sleeps and Peanut hangs on for dear life. He does great if he can sit on a lap.

Husband took Peanut on the Jet Ski. He loves it. Shortly after take off he starts squealing with delight. It's fantastic. He gets so excited about it. I swam with him a bit too. The water was warm like a bath tub. We both put on life jackets and floated about.

Saturday evening we went out to dinner and then started the fun over again on Sunday. It was a great weekend. I had a lot of fun. The boys both did great the whole time with minimal fussing. The weather was great for boating.

I got a glimpse of future visits. My boys are going to love going to Grandpa's house. Not only do they get to see Grandpa, but all the water activities are great too. Anyway, it was a lovely weekend. The ride home, not so much. We left late since we were having so much fun and Thumper had issues. We had to stop to feed him twice and he was grumpy for quite a while. I think he gets tired of being in the car seat and the car in general. Peanut did fine, he got to watch a movie on the portable DVD.