I have been trying. Really. It just so happens I try very hard for about a week, maybe more and then...something happens. It is nothing big or exciting. Just...something. Then I stop trying.
I am in the process of starting some serious thinking. When I read that I picture some giant wheel I have to crank to get moving. It starts so slowly, but with time and effort it spins smoothly.
My mind is a jumble. So many thoughts. Some are helpful and lead to more good thinking. Some are strange and just make me feel fuzzy. An outside opinion might help. It has not helped in the past, but this is not the past anymore.
Instead of looking back to see what went wrong, I am trying to look forward to what will be right. I wonder if it is possible to snap out of something today by dreaming of the future?
Anyway, I found this blog again. Maybe I will try using it for a while. At least until...something.
Showing posts with label depressed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depressed. Show all posts
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Friday, March 18, 2011
Tears, From Heaven
Something happened to someone I know. We belong to a group together, but I don't really know much about the person. Anyway. Something quite devastating happened to them. I cannot stop crying for them. I cannot stop thinking about it. I cannot stop agonizing over what would I do if it were me.
I do believe God has a plan for each of us. We may never really know the plan, but we have been given spiritual gifts and a passion. It is up to us to use those gifts. We have free will. We have the choice to say "I am not going to do that". Anyway, there is a plan. When something this awful happens to a human being, it is hard to say "thanks be to God".
I am not angry. I am not sure what I am. I guess at this point confusion and maybe disappointment reign. I totally thought things would work out differently. In my heart I had no doubt things would turn out OK. It is not fair.
My problem now is figuring out why this is getting to me. I cannot even think about it without starting to cry. Talking about it is out of the question. I have been praying, trying to find what it is I should get out of this. Why is this affecting me like it is?
Perhaps this tragedy was too close to home? Even though I do not know this person, this could have been my family. This could have been me. But. So could a million other things. I could have lived in Japan and just lost everything. I could live in a country of war. I live in a nice comfortable American city. I have a house, family, clothes, food, car and many more things. So why does this story affect me so? Am I meant to give or do something?
At this point I am exhausted. My body has been a little sick this week and I just cannot take one more ounce of pain. I let myself cry because I think at some point I will be done. Maybe I will never stop thinking of this person. Maybe I have a bond with them. Maybe I am meant to help in some way. I just do not know.
Life will keep going. Days will pass and summer will come and go and years will fade into the background. Somewhere down the line we will have "moved on". I don't want to live in fear that I will miss something. I will open myself up for whatever may come.
I do believe God has a plan for each of us. We may never really know the plan, but we have been given spiritual gifts and a passion. It is up to us to use those gifts. We have free will. We have the choice to say "I am not going to do that". Anyway, there is a plan. When something this awful happens to a human being, it is hard to say "thanks be to God".
I am not angry. I am not sure what I am. I guess at this point confusion and maybe disappointment reign. I totally thought things would work out differently. In my heart I had no doubt things would turn out OK. It is not fair.
My problem now is figuring out why this is getting to me. I cannot even think about it without starting to cry. Talking about it is out of the question. I have been praying, trying to find what it is I should get out of this. Why is this affecting me like it is?
Perhaps this tragedy was too close to home? Even though I do not know this person, this could have been my family. This could have been me. But. So could a million other things. I could have lived in Japan and just lost everything. I could live in a country of war. I live in a nice comfortable American city. I have a house, family, clothes, food, car and many more things. So why does this story affect me so? Am I meant to give or do something?
At this point I am exhausted. My body has been a little sick this week and I just cannot take one more ounce of pain. I let myself cry because I think at some point I will be done. Maybe I will never stop thinking of this person. Maybe I have a bond with them. Maybe I am meant to help in some way. I just do not know.
Life will keep going. Days will pass and summer will come and go and years will fade into the background. Somewhere down the line we will have "moved on". I don't want to live in fear that I will miss something. I will open myself up for whatever may come.
Monday, December 07, 2009
Raining. Pouring. Just Go Ahead and Kick Me
Good grief. Charlie Brown seems to have it right. For several weeks there was nothing pressing to do. Life sort of moved at a snail pace. Then. I got sick. After that it seems there is no stopping anything. There was little down time today as I drove from place to place taking care of business. Several hundred dollars later things have been put in order. So what now? A yeast infection. TMI anyone? Suck it.
So. This happens to me when I take antibiotics. I forget every time. Or at least, in my fever induced haze I forget to ask when the medicine I'm taking to make me better is going to do to me. Just kick me while I'm down, no?
I think if I had time to think about things too much I would be depressed. As it is, there are things to do and places to go so I don't have a lot of time to dwell. I guess that's good.
The job situation is not going well. I basically missed the Holiday hiring because I was not willing to work evenings and weekends. At least I wasn't willing to work all of them. One or two would have been okay. So now what? I'm not sure. I think I have a job at a seasonal place, but it's been sort of a weird ride and I'm not sure if I actually have a job or if I'm just still in the running. There is another option, but the more time that passes the more I think it's not going to work out at all.
I'm learning I have very high standards when it comes to manners. I guess I'm willing to slide on some things, but if I say I will call at a certain time I will. Especially if it was a business deal. As in, the boss was supposed to call me between 1 and 2 and at 5 something they finally leave me a message saying they are busy. Really? I didn't get that from the not calling. It doesn't give me much faith in the business that certain aspects of it are run so loose. Bottom line is I'm not holding my breath.
So. This happens to me when I take antibiotics. I forget every time. Or at least, in my fever induced haze I forget to ask when the medicine I'm taking to make me better is going to do to me. Just kick me while I'm down, no?
I think if I had time to think about things too much I would be depressed. As it is, there are things to do and places to go so I don't have a lot of time to dwell. I guess that's good.
The job situation is not going well. I basically missed the Holiday hiring because I was not willing to work evenings and weekends. At least I wasn't willing to work all of them. One or two would have been okay. So now what? I'm not sure. I think I have a job at a seasonal place, but it's been sort of a weird ride and I'm not sure if I actually have a job or if I'm just still in the running. There is another option, but the more time that passes the more I think it's not going to work out at all.
I'm learning I have very high standards when it comes to manners. I guess I'm willing to slide on some things, but if I say I will call at a certain time I will. Especially if it was a business deal. As in, the boss was supposed to call me between 1 and 2 and at 5 something they finally leave me a message saying they are busy. Really? I didn't get that from the not calling. It doesn't give me much faith in the business that certain aspects of it are run so loose. Bottom line is I'm not holding my breath.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
I Hope
Hearing of someone else having a much worse time than you really puts things in perspective. I have been sort of wallowing in my life lately and today I got a new view. There were several people that had very serious things happening in their lives. They are not just getting tired of doing laundry, tired of doing the dishes or tired of vacuuming. They are worried about loved ones dying, children living too short lives, friends turning their backs. It just does not compare. Sure, my troubles are mine, and to me, maybe they are worth getting a little grumpy over. There are so many more things that could be wrong. I am thankful so much is right.
A good friend of mine has been down for a while. Today she was kicked while she was down. I won't share her story here, but I hope to share it in real life. I hope to be there to hold her hand if she needs. I hope to take her a nice meal to keep up her strength. I hope to hear the good news that things have turned around.
I believe things are the way they are for a reason. There is something learn or know or experience. There are several situations that I hope have been taught, shown or lived and things can turn around and move to a positive light. The time will come and I hope it's soon.
A good friend of mine has been down for a while. Today she was kicked while she was down. I won't share her story here, but I hope to share it in real life. I hope to be there to hold her hand if she needs. I hope to take her a nice meal to keep up her strength. I hope to hear the good news that things have turned around.
I believe things are the way they are for a reason. There is something learn or know or experience. There are several situations that I hope have been taught, shown or lived and things can turn around and move to a positive light. The time will come and I hope it's soon.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
The Weeds are Growing Too
My baby will be one on Saturday. Suddenly he's much more interested in walking. At church on Sunday he took off like a mad man. Being held was torture for him. He still can't walk, but he went for all he was worth holding on to a mommy or daddy finger. He would plop down to crawl, but neither of us wanted him to get trampled in the lobby.
He is starting to eat better too. In general he is still pretty picky, but he seems willing to try more things. Or maybe I'm just offering him more things I think he will like. Either way I try to get a balanced diet in him. Fruit, vegetable, dairy and some meat. He loves bread, but gets more than he needs.
Peanut is testing us daily. He is an expert at pushing at the rules just enough that we bend a tiny bit without breaking the rule. But after a couple weeks we realize the rule has long been broken. We snap back to attention and Peanut hates it for a while before he starts pushing again. He was in top form today. Yesterday he was sick and got to have a Sprite to settle his tummy. Today he thought he would get another one even though he was feeling fine. I explained he got one special because he was sick. A few hours later he told this long story about birds and they get in your tummy and you go to the doctor and he tells you that you are sick and you get to go home and have a Sprite. It was a cute story.
I'm pudgy. I look 6 months pregnant. For real. I'm waiting for someone to ask when I'm due. Now that I'm done nursing and the baby is almost one I think it's time to own the extra weight that is still hanging around. It's not going to melt off from nursing or any other activity. Somehow I need to get some exercise in my life. Playing volleyball is great, but it's only once a week. There is a SAHM running group nearby, but they run on the nights I can't. I could join a gym, but most have less than fabulous daycares. I don't want to be paged in the middle of working out to come change a diaper. Surely there is a childcare center in a gym that will change a diaper if need be. Oh well. I could start at home for free, but I have zero motivation. I just know my clothes don't fit and swimsuit season is fast approaching.
He is starting to eat better too. In general he is still pretty picky, but he seems willing to try more things. Or maybe I'm just offering him more things I think he will like. Either way I try to get a balanced diet in him. Fruit, vegetable, dairy and some meat. He loves bread, but gets more than he needs.
Peanut is testing us daily. He is an expert at pushing at the rules just enough that we bend a tiny bit without breaking the rule. But after a couple weeks we realize the rule has long been broken. We snap back to attention and Peanut hates it for a while before he starts pushing again. He was in top form today. Yesterday he was sick and got to have a Sprite to settle his tummy. Today he thought he would get another one even though he was feeling fine. I explained he got one special because he was sick. A few hours later he told this long story about birds and they get in your tummy and you go to the doctor and he tells you that you are sick and you get to go home and have a Sprite. It was a cute story.
I'm pudgy. I look 6 months pregnant. For real. I'm waiting for someone to ask when I'm due. Now that I'm done nursing and the baby is almost one I think it's time to own the extra weight that is still hanging around. It's not going to melt off from nursing or any other activity. Somehow I need to get some exercise in my life. Playing volleyball is great, but it's only once a week. There is a SAHM running group nearby, but they run on the nights I can't. I could join a gym, but most have less than fabulous daycares. I don't want to be paged in the middle of working out to come change a diaper. Surely there is a childcare center in a gym that will change a diaper if need be. Oh well. I could start at home for free, but I have zero motivation. I just know my clothes don't fit and swimsuit season is fast approaching.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Put a Fork in Me - I am Done
When I say I’m done…
I mean I am tired of being me. I’m at the end of my rope and asking for help. I cannot deal with the kid(s) any more. I want to walk out the door and not come back.
I do pretty well for a while but it’s all building inside. Every time I have to repeat myself, to start counting to 3 or taking a toy away it builds more. Every time I have to tell them to stop, to listen, to pay attention it builds. Every time I have to clean something spilled, put things away they should not have or re-direct them to something else it builds. Then I reach a point where I’m done. I struggle to care.
I’m done. I don’t want to play, to listen to them, to talk to them. I don’t want to be around them. I’m done trying to stay calm, to understand, cleaning things up and thinking of what to do next. I’m done being the nose wiper, the butt wiper the face washer and the hand washer.
I start to think they are better off with someone at a daycare or a nanny. Surely some one doing this as a chosen job is better at it than I am. Someone else can feed them, clean them and tell them the same thing 1000 times before 8am.
I don’t get much of a break. My job is a full time job. The ‘mom’ never turns off. I know you are also the ‘dad’ full time and that does not turn off either. If you get stressed at work you have the luxury of going to the gym for a while or taking off early or getting a drink. When I get stressed I have to make lunch, change diapers, clean up, try to give naps (and not get upset when they don’t) and all the things that stressed me out in the first place. Sure I can go to a gym too, but I have to take the kids with me to the daycare. I can drop them off for 2 hours, knowing they are waiting there for me at the end of it.
This is about me, but I know you have stress too. School and work not to mention the crazy lady at home. All that adds to my stress because I don’t want to bother you. I know you can’t very well leave work whenever I have a bad day.
So what do I do? I thought playing volleyball and having Wednesday night was enough to keep me re-grouped, but there are things in relations to those that stress me out. I still watch them all day, plan meals and whatever. Then occasionally my time off gets overrun by something else. I get pushed aside for another day. I go along with it assuming I will get my time or what else is needed is more important.
So when I’m done – I’m losing my grip. I’m angry, upset, sad and ready to quit. I’m not sure what I want to hear. Maybe something only for me. Something that shows someone else is paying attentions and cares. I’d like a friend. Someone to invite me out. Someone to swap kids with . Someone I can call. Someone I felt close to. Do not suggest I know this person. If I did I would not be writing this – I’d be on the phone with them.
I mean I am tired of being me. I’m at the end of my rope and asking for help. I cannot deal with the kid(s) any more. I want to walk out the door and not come back.
I do pretty well for a while but it’s all building inside. Every time I have to repeat myself, to start counting to 3 or taking a toy away it builds more. Every time I have to tell them to stop, to listen, to pay attention it builds. Every time I have to clean something spilled, put things away they should not have or re-direct them to something else it builds. Then I reach a point where I’m done. I struggle to care.
I’m done. I don’t want to play, to listen to them, to talk to them. I don’t want to be around them. I’m done trying to stay calm, to understand, cleaning things up and thinking of what to do next. I’m done being the nose wiper, the butt wiper the face washer and the hand washer.
I start to think they are better off with someone at a daycare or a nanny. Surely some one doing this as a chosen job is better at it than I am. Someone else can feed them, clean them and tell them the same thing 1000 times before 8am.
I don’t get much of a break. My job is a full time job. The ‘mom’ never turns off. I know you are also the ‘dad’ full time and that does not turn off either. If you get stressed at work you have the luxury of going to the gym for a while or taking off early or getting a drink. When I get stressed I have to make lunch, change diapers, clean up, try to give naps (and not get upset when they don’t) and all the things that stressed me out in the first place. Sure I can go to a gym too, but I have to take the kids with me to the daycare. I can drop them off for 2 hours, knowing they are waiting there for me at the end of it.
This is about me, but I know you have stress too. School and work not to mention the crazy lady at home. All that adds to my stress because I don’t want to bother you. I know you can’t very well leave work whenever I have a bad day.
So what do I do? I thought playing volleyball and having Wednesday night was enough to keep me re-grouped, but there are things in relations to those that stress me out. I still watch them all day, plan meals and whatever. Then occasionally my time off gets overrun by something else. I get pushed aside for another day. I go along with it assuming I will get my time or what else is needed is more important.
So when I’m done – I’m losing my grip. I’m angry, upset, sad and ready to quit. I’m not sure what I want to hear. Maybe something only for me. Something that shows someone else is paying attentions and cares. I’d like a friend. Someone to invite me out. Someone to swap kids with . Someone I can call. Someone I felt close to. Do not suggest I know this person. If I did I would not be writing this – I’d be on the phone with them.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Cold and Dark
I admitted to my study group that I am not functioning at 100%. It's odd to be so self aware that I can see what's wrong with me so clearly and yet not be willing to do anything about it. I know I'm tired, not eating well, worried about things and maybe even depressed. Even though I know these things I am not taking steps to fix them. That's not true. I made a doctor appointment for a physical. Perhaps she can convince me to do more.
The pessimist in me knows that she will suggest therapy since talking to someone can be helpful. The trouble is I've been to therapy several times with several different people and it's never worked to my advantage. I either have to convince them that there is something wrong or they latch on to something that it not wrong and try to fix it. One therapist had the bright realization that "you're just not happy". Oh really? It only took you three hours to figure that out? Brilliant!
I'm not against medication or therapy. It has it's place. In this case I know what's wrong and therefore what to do to fix it. It's the doing it that I can't seem to muster. The stress levels are rising. I'm maxed out and so is Husband. Work is getting more stressful for him and I feel guilty adding to it. Now is not the time to take a vacation with the uncertainty.
There are a bunch of little things bothering me and I'm trying to let them go, but as each one piles on it gets harder to let them go. The absolute worst thing happening is I'm getting tired of my kids. I'm getting irritated. I can't seem to just enjoy them and relax at all. As soon as I'm awake I start counting the hours until it's bedtime for them.
Maybe it's a little PPD. Can it be that after 8 months? I think so. I think some of the honeymoon from a newborn has worn off and now I'm a mother of two. On one hand I'm glad they are getting older and on the other I am obsessed with having another baby. In my heart I know it's not a good idea, but I keep dreaming of it.
Oh yeah and my feet are constantly cold.
The pessimist in me knows that she will suggest therapy since talking to someone can be helpful. The trouble is I've been to therapy several times with several different people and it's never worked to my advantage. I either have to convince them that there is something wrong or they latch on to something that it not wrong and try to fix it. One therapist had the bright realization that "you're just not happy". Oh really? It only took you three hours to figure that out? Brilliant!
I'm not against medication or therapy. It has it's place. In this case I know what's wrong and therefore what to do to fix it. It's the doing it that I can't seem to muster. The stress levels are rising. I'm maxed out and so is Husband. Work is getting more stressful for him and I feel guilty adding to it. Now is not the time to take a vacation with the uncertainty.
There are a bunch of little things bothering me and I'm trying to let them go, but as each one piles on it gets harder to let them go. The absolute worst thing happening is I'm getting tired of my kids. I'm getting irritated. I can't seem to just enjoy them and relax at all. As soon as I'm awake I start counting the hours until it's bedtime for them.
Maybe it's a little PPD. Can it be that after 8 months? I think so. I think some of the honeymoon from a newborn has worn off and now I'm a mother of two. On one hand I'm glad they are getting older and on the other I am obsessed with having another baby. In my heart I know it's not a good idea, but I keep dreaming of it.
Oh yeah and my feet are constantly cold.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Little Boy Lost
Second Child Syndrome is a real thing. During my pregnancy I heard stories of how baby books were never filled out, if they were even bought. They told me how the second child gets lost in the bustle of activities for the first child. I knew you took far less photos and video of the second.
I didn't believe it. Actually, I did believe it, but I thought I could overcome it. If I just put my mind to it we would have plentiful pictures and video. The baby book would be purchased and filled out even better than the first. I would protect the nap time of the second child, venturing out only when necessary.
How am I doing? Not so good. SF has had life better and worse than Peanut. I knew what mistakes not to make, but I made some anyway. I knew what to look for and when not to panic, but I panicked anyway. I knew not to stress over every feeding, sometimes they eat and sometimes not, but I stressed anyway. I bought the baby book and filled in several pages, but then the baby came and it's not been opened.
There are two things I feel awful about regarding the second child. These are two things I can never fix. I cannot go back in time and change things. I'm trying very hard to not be upset about them. I have the child and he is wonderful. That really is enough for me. If our house were to be destroyed along with all our belongings I would rejoice that my family is safe. Pictures are pieces of paper, but my children are most precious.
The first thing is that I don't know the birth weight of SF. The scale said 9 lbs 13 oz when he was put on it. We had a picture of it. BUT. Twelve hours after his birth he only weighed 9 lbs 1 oz. The doctor and nurses didn't believe he lost that much in so little time. He nursed well and had no other medical problems. The next weight was only a couple ounces less so they think the 9#13 was wrong. So I don't know what his true birth weight was. I'll never know if he was more or less than Peanut. It doesn't matter, but it's a stat. everyone asks and I don't know the answer. My friend K said this "when it's 100 degrees out and someone says 'it's only 98' it's still really F&*$ing hot".
The second thing is that we seem to have lost all pictures of SF before July. Two months of his life are gone. The birth day. Peanut holding him for the first time. Seeing his naked little body on the scale. Looking at him wrapped up laying on his mommy for the first time. Pictures of all the family meeting him for the first time. It's all gone. I can't get it back, though Husband has been trying to find it. I remember every detail. I can see it very clearly. How do I share that with SF in two, six or fifteen years when he asks to see his baby pictures? Will he care? Will he feel like I love him less?
These two things give me a sense of failure. I am heartbroken that we didn't go to the lengths we did to protect everything for Peanut. He has over 1000 pictures and SF has maybe 100, but very few of just him.
My New Year's Resolution will be to constantly have a camera with me to capture the fabulous moments in my children's lives. Another will be to back up everything fanatically.
I didn't believe it. Actually, I did believe it, but I thought I could overcome it. If I just put my mind to it we would have plentiful pictures and video. The baby book would be purchased and filled out even better than the first. I would protect the nap time of the second child, venturing out only when necessary.
How am I doing? Not so good. SF has had life better and worse than Peanut. I knew what mistakes not to make, but I made some anyway. I knew what to look for and when not to panic, but I panicked anyway. I knew not to stress over every feeding, sometimes they eat and sometimes not, but I stressed anyway. I bought the baby book and filled in several pages, but then the baby came and it's not been opened.
There are two things I feel awful about regarding the second child. These are two things I can never fix. I cannot go back in time and change things. I'm trying very hard to not be upset about them. I have the child and he is wonderful. That really is enough for me. If our house were to be destroyed along with all our belongings I would rejoice that my family is safe. Pictures are pieces of paper, but my children are most precious.
The first thing is that I don't know the birth weight of SF. The scale said 9 lbs 13 oz when he was put on it. We had a picture of it. BUT. Twelve hours after his birth he only weighed 9 lbs 1 oz. The doctor and nurses didn't believe he lost that much in so little time. He nursed well and had no other medical problems. The next weight was only a couple ounces less so they think the 9#13 was wrong. So I don't know what his true birth weight was. I'll never know if he was more or less than Peanut. It doesn't matter, but it's a stat. everyone asks and I don't know the answer. My friend K said this "when it's 100 degrees out and someone says 'it's only 98' it's still really F&*$ing hot".
The second thing is that we seem to have lost all pictures of SF before July. Two months of his life are gone. The birth day. Peanut holding him for the first time. Seeing his naked little body on the scale. Looking at him wrapped up laying on his mommy for the first time. Pictures of all the family meeting him for the first time. It's all gone. I can't get it back, though Husband has been trying to find it. I remember every detail. I can see it very clearly. How do I share that with SF in two, six or fifteen years when he asks to see his baby pictures? Will he care? Will he feel like I love him less?
These two things give me a sense of failure. I am heartbroken that we didn't go to the lengths we did to protect everything for Peanut. He has over 1000 pictures and SF has maybe 100, but very few of just him.
My New Year's Resolution will be to constantly have a camera with me to capture the fabulous moments in my children's lives. Another will be to back up everything fanatically.
Friday, December 19, 2008
It's Ugly Here
There is a lot of anger living in our house. We all seem to have anger issues. Peanut is 3 so you can understand he has a million things wrong or at least thinks he does. Of course, 99% of that is easily fixed. Thumper (who will now be known as SweetFace or SF) is 6 months so there are a few things that anger him. Mostly he wants to eat and we can't get the food in his mouth fast enough. Or, like tonight, he backed himself under the coffee table and got stuck again. These are also easily fixes. No, it's the anger that Husband and I carry that is the issue.
We aren't connecting like we used to. I guess kids does that to a couple, but I'm not sure how to get over it. We spend so much time getting from one tantrum to the next until bedtime, that we are both wiped out. Then we spend the evening/night doing all the things that need to be done. Babysitters are hard to find (and afford) so we don't go out much. At one point we each had a night off to go out, alone. Even that has been reduced to a couple of hours. Husband goes to his study group one night and school another. I play volleyball and have a study group. Both of those last 2-3 hours. I don't think it's enough for either of us.
I'm tired of pretending it's OK when I hear yelling in the house. I'm tired of making Husband feel bad when I call him out on anger issues. Yes, I'm sure it makes him feel bad, but am I not supposed to step in? I'm tired of pretending it doesn't bother me just to keep the peace. Mostly, I'm tired.
I love being a mom and I have two great kids, but I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the all the time-ness that seems to have taken over. I haven't had a haircut in a salon in over a year. My sister cut it 6 months ago, but it needs professional help now. I haven't gone out to do it because I hate asking Husband to watch this kids. I know he has a rough time and gets angry. So instead I just stay home. Perhaps the hour or two for volleyball and the 2-3 hours for study group is enough to ask him to watch them. It's easier for Husband to go out. It seems like when he gets time off it's a lot of time. I hate to keep score, but when he goes out he doesn't have to take a child with him (though he usually does take Peanut when he can). I usually do have to take SF. Otherwise I have to be back every 3-4 hours to feed him or use the milk in the freezer thus confirming no babysitter since there would be no milk.
On top of all of this I think we lost the baby pictures of SF. I can't find anything earlier than two months. It's bad enough he has second child syndrome and there are hardly any pictures of him, but now we have nothing. It makes me sick to think of it.
So right now it's not pretty here. The stress is getting to me. I'm tired.
Merry Christmas
We aren't connecting like we used to. I guess kids does that to a couple, but I'm not sure how to get over it. We spend so much time getting from one tantrum to the next until bedtime, that we are both wiped out. Then we spend the evening/night doing all the things that need to be done. Babysitters are hard to find (and afford) so we don't go out much. At one point we each had a night off to go out, alone. Even that has been reduced to a couple of hours. Husband goes to his study group one night and school another. I play volleyball and have a study group. Both of those last 2-3 hours. I don't think it's enough for either of us.
I'm tired of pretending it's OK when I hear yelling in the house. I'm tired of making Husband feel bad when I call him out on anger issues. Yes, I'm sure it makes him feel bad, but am I not supposed to step in? I'm tired of pretending it doesn't bother me just to keep the peace. Mostly, I'm tired.
I love being a mom and I have two great kids, but I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the all the time-ness that seems to have taken over. I haven't had a haircut in a salon in over a year. My sister cut it 6 months ago, but it needs professional help now. I haven't gone out to do it because I hate asking Husband to watch this kids. I know he has a rough time and gets angry. So instead I just stay home. Perhaps the hour or two for volleyball and the 2-3 hours for study group is enough to ask him to watch them. It's easier for Husband to go out. It seems like when he gets time off it's a lot of time. I hate to keep score, but when he goes out he doesn't have to take a child with him (though he usually does take Peanut when he can). I usually do have to take SF. Otherwise I have to be back every 3-4 hours to feed him or use the milk in the freezer thus confirming no babysitter since there would be no milk.
On top of all of this I think we lost the baby pictures of SF. I can't find anything earlier than two months. It's bad enough he has second child syndrome and there are hardly any pictures of him, but now we have nothing. It makes me sick to think of it.
So right now it's not pretty here. The stress is getting to me. I'm tired.
Merry Christmas
Friday, December 12, 2008
Relax..For a Moment Anyway
I got a massage today. While it wasn't the fancy spa experience I would have liked it to be, it was quite nice. The place is clean and comfortable, but no bells or whistles. My favorite place had foot soaks while you wait for your appointment and a steam shower when you are done. The first few times I went it was Heaven. Then it started getting sort of run down. The soaks were still nice, but the shower was usually either out of soap or hot water. The people there were getting extra snobby and it wasn't a great experience. The up side was that the gal I saw there did a fantastic massage. Once we moved I decided to find a new place.
While getting my massage I kept thinking of all the ways to improve my life. It's funny, while the toxins are being pushed out of my body I start thinking of what other toxic things need to go. I dream of eating more vegetables and exercising. I vow to do Yoga and get a massage every other month. I start dreaming of a calm and peaceful house in which my children rarely misbehave. Then the massage is over and I drink my glass of water and head home.
I've been trying to workout, but it's not happening. I can't seem to get more than a foot away from Thumper. I'd let him just cry through it, but I'm not sure I can make it through a 20 minute workout while he wails. I guess I might have to join some sort of gym that offers childcare. At least then I would know the kid(s) would be looked after while I get my workout in. I just hate to spend the money. My stomach is starting to gross me out though. I honestly believe that if I could just workout a few times a week I'd start to look and feel better. The main goal is to fit into my clothes again. I'd say I need to lose at least 10 lbs to do that. Actually, I just need to flatten the belly a bit. I don't care how much I lose if any. I just want my clothes back.
While getting my massage I kept thinking of all the ways to improve my life. It's funny, while the toxins are being pushed out of my body I start thinking of what other toxic things need to go. I dream of eating more vegetables and exercising. I vow to do Yoga and get a massage every other month. I start dreaming of a calm and peaceful house in which my children rarely misbehave. Then the massage is over and I drink my glass of water and head home.
I've been trying to workout, but it's not happening. I can't seem to get more than a foot away from Thumper. I'd let him just cry through it, but I'm not sure I can make it through a 20 minute workout while he wails. I guess I might have to join some sort of gym that offers childcare. At least then I would know the kid(s) would be looked after while I get my workout in. I just hate to spend the money. My stomach is starting to gross me out though. I honestly believe that if I could just workout a few times a week I'd start to look and feel better. The main goal is to fit into my clothes again. I'd say I need to lose at least 10 lbs to do that. Actually, I just need to flatten the belly a bit. I don't care how much I lose if any. I just want my clothes back.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Oh My!
So I feel pretty worthless right now. On Monday, Husband meets with his MBA group to study or whatever they need to get done. This makes the third week in a row that he has come home early to help. I can't seem to make it past about 6:00pm without intervention. One or both boys starts crying and I can't do jack to get them calmed down. Husband says he is on the way and things calm down.
I am no comfort to my own child. With Peanut all I had to do was pick him up and he was instantly calm. Holding him was all he needed. Even now that he is nearing 3 being held goes a long way with him. Thumper? Not so much. I hold. I sing. I rock, jiggle, sway, shush and a million other things. Unless he's hungry, it doesn't seem to be me he wants. That is not to say he wants Husband, but several times that has worked out OK for him.
Perhaps he has an ear infection or something else going on? When he nurses on my right side he seems less content. Maybe my right side tastes funny. I don't really know. The point is I don't seem to be able to relax him. Many a night he cries until he passes out from exhaustion. That is not the way I want him to learn to go to sleep.
This week I have no paint jobs or anything else planned. It is the week to get him sleep trained so he can put himself to sleep. All day I watched him and when he started to look a little sleepy I put him down. Poof. He would be asleep. Great. I didn't think he was trained and we were done with it, but then about 6 pm he started crying and would not be soothed. I gave him Tylenol and about 20 minutes later he nursed himself to sleep. Was is the Tylenol kicking in or the hour he fussed and cried that put him to sleep? Either way, it's not something I want to make a habit.
On one hand I'm happy Husband can get him to sleep, but on the other hand I want it to be me. So when Husband takes him from me and then puts him to sleep I'm jealous. The thing is, I've been having trouble with jealousy lately. A friend is newly pregnant and announced it after Peanuts birthday party. I wasn't really happy for her. I wasn't really sad either. Part of me is jealous that she gets to be pregnant and get the attention. She is the new cool thing right now. I'm a little sad it's not me. Especially since no one cared when I was pregnant. There is no sympathy for the second round. This is her second too, but because of who she is, I'm sure it will be a big deal.
Then last night I convinced her to play volleyball with me. She ended up hurting her ankle pretty bad. I felt really guilty. I didn't have anything to do with it, but felt at fault. After thinking about it I'm pretty sure I felt guilty because I was not happy for her pregnancy. It doesn't make sense, but that's how my moods/emotions are running these days. I feel quite damned if I do and damned if I don't. I'd like to paint, make money and get out of the house, but I feel guilty for hauling the baby out with me so much. My sister manages to make me feel guilty about not going, but yet tells me to take a day off.
I really need some time to myself, but feel guilty about it. Husband is supposed to have Monday and Thursday evenings for school. I play volleyball on Sunday and have a study group meeting on Wednesday. While I'm glad he watched the boys so I can attend both, it's not really a break. I get so busy for the hour I'm gone, that it isn't very relaxing. I'd love to spend some time at a spa or even home alone or out with a friend (if I had any that could go with me). I realize Husband spends the day working, not relaxing, but he still gets out of the house and away from the kids. I have at least one of them all the time. Of course I'm nursing so it's harder to get away.
I am no comfort to my own child. With Peanut all I had to do was pick him up and he was instantly calm. Holding him was all he needed. Even now that he is nearing 3 being held goes a long way with him. Thumper? Not so much. I hold. I sing. I rock, jiggle, sway, shush and a million other things. Unless he's hungry, it doesn't seem to be me he wants. That is not to say he wants Husband, but several times that has worked out OK for him.
Perhaps he has an ear infection or something else going on? When he nurses on my right side he seems less content. Maybe my right side tastes funny. I don't really know. The point is I don't seem to be able to relax him. Many a night he cries until he passes out from exhaustion. That is not the way I want him to learn to go to sleep.
This week I have no paint jobs or anything else planned. It is the week to get him sleep trained so he can put himself to sleep. All day I watched him and when he started to look a little sleepy I put him down. Poof. He would be asleep. Great. I didn't think he was trained and we were done with it, but then about 6 pm he started crying and would not be soothed. I gave him Tylenol and about 20 minutes later he nursed himself to sleep. Was is the Tylenol kicking in or the hour he fussed and cried that put him to sleep? Either way, it's not something I want to make a habit.
On one hand I'm happy Husband can get him to sleep, but on the other hand I want it to be me. So when Husband takes him from me and then puts him to sleep I'm jealous. The thing is, I've been having trouble with jealousy lately. A friend is newly pregnant and announced it after Peanuts birthday party. I wasn't really happy for her. I wasn't really sad either. Part of me is jealous that she gets to be pregnant and get the attention. She is the new cool thing right now. I'm a little sad it's not me. Especially since no one cared when I was pregnant. There is no sympathy for the second round. This is her second too, but because of who she is, I'm sure it will be a big deal.
Then last night I convinced her to play volleyball with me. She ended up hurting her ankle pretty bad. I felt really guilty. I didn't have anything to do with it, but felt at fault. After thinking about it I'm pretty sure I felt guilty because I was not happy for her pregnancy. It doesn't make sense, but that's how my moods/emotions are running these days. I feel quite damned if I do and damned if I don't. I'd like to paint, make money and get out of the house, but I feel guilty for hauling the baby out with me so much. My sister manages to make me feel guilty about not going, but yet tells me to take a day off.
I really need some time to myself, but feel guilty about it. Husband is supposed to have Monday and Thursday evenings for school. I play volleyball on Sunday and have a study group meeting on Wednesday. While I'm glad he watched the boys so I can attend both, it's not really a break. I get so busy for the hour I'm gone, that it isn't very relaxing. I'd love to spend some time at a spa or even home alone or out with a friend (if I had any that could go with me). I realize Husband spends the day working, not relaxing, but he still gets out of the house and away from the kids. I have at least one of them all the time. Of course I'm nursing so it's harder to get away.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
I Want a Makeover
I've been feeling down lately. Maybe it's the rain.
Peanut is doing very well potty training. We had a few accidents the first two days and nothing since then. He is not telling me he has to go yet, but we're getting there. At daycare he is pretty much done. He tells them he has to go and then goes. We'll get it.
I went to a mom group meeting yesterday. The meeting was OK, but I felt out of place. Sure I'm a mother and therefore I fit in, but I didn't know anyone. The lady next to me kept talking to the lady next to her since they were good friends. The gal on the other side of me was quiet and not into talking. The room was so loud I couldn't hear anyone else. Plus I had Thumper with me and I missed a lot of the meeting when he started to cry.
Lately, I feel so alone and left out. It doesn't help my mom is here to see us and spending all her time with my sister. She came for Grandparents day and I haven't seen much of her. She keeps talking about moving here so they go look at houses for sale. What no one seems to get is that she will never move here so they are all wasting their time. I would like it if she would move here, but she's been talking about moving for almost 12 years. It's not going to happen.
A lot of the ladies at the meeting looked so put together. The hair was fixed, the make-up looked good and the clothes were nice. I felt so sloppy and frumpy. I barely made it there on time as it was so I had no time to fix hair (pony tail), do make up (some mascara and lip gloss) or put an outfit together (jeans and t-shirt). I was clean though so maybe that's a start.
I never get the fab treatment. I know a girl that walks in to any salon and gets a great haircut. Maybe she just has the face for it. I go in to the same place and get something that looks like my 3 year old did it with his eyes closed. Perhaps it's low self-esteem. I should work on that. I keep thinking of cutting my hair, but in all my life I've only had a few good short haircuts. Plus, then I have to fix it all the time. At least when it's long I can throw it in a ponytail.
Husband keeps telling me to get some clothes so I can feel better in what I'm wearing. Sure I want to get back to my pre-baby size, but in the meantime I can look and feel good in what I'm wearing. Not a bad idea, but I'm not even sure where to shop. I used to be good at fashion and still am for other people, but when it comes to my own wardrobe I'm lacking.
I'm so happy it's Friday.
Peanut is doing very well potty training. We had a few accidents the first two days and nothing since then. He is not telling me he has to go yet, but we're getting there. At daycare he is pretty much done. He tells them he has to go and then goes. We'll get it.
I went to a mom group meeting yesterday. The meeting was OK, but I felt out of place. Sure I'm a mother and therefore I fit in, but I didn't know anyone. The lady next to me kept talking to the lady next to her since they were good friends. The gal on the other side of me was quiet and not into talking. The room was so loud I couldn't hear anyone else. Plus I had Thumper with me and I missed a lot of the meeting when he started to cry.
Lately, I feel so alone and left out. It doesn't help my mom is here to see us and spending all her time with my sister. She came for Grandparents day and I haven't seen much of her. She keeps talking about moving here so they go look at houses for sale. What no one seems to get is that she will never move here so they are all wasting their time. I would like it if she would move here, but she's been talking about moving for almost 12 years. It's not going to happen.
A lot of the ladies at the meeting looked so put together. The hair was fixed, the make-up looked good and the clothes were nice. I felt so sloppy and frumpy. I barely made it there on time as it was so I had no time to fix hair (pony tail), do make up (some mascara and lip gloss) or put an outfit together (jeans and t-shirt). I was clean though so maybe that's a start.
I never get the fab treatment. I know a girl that walks in to any salon and gets a great haircut. Maybe she just has the face for it. I go in to the same place and get something that looks like my 3 year old did it with his eyes closed. Perhaps it's low self-esteem. I should work on that. I keep thinking of cutting my hair, but in all my life I've only had a few good short haircuts. Plus, then I have to fix it all the time. At least when it's long I can throw it in a ponytail.
Husband keeps telling me to get some clothes so I can feel better in what I'm wearing. Sure I want to get back to my pre-baby size, but in the meantime I can look and feel good in what I'm wearing. Not a bad idea, but I'm not even sure where to shop. I used to be good at fashion and still am for other people, but when it comes to my own wardrobe I'm lacking.
I'm so happy it's Friday.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
And It's Storming Here
Today is day three of illness. Peanut has a cough and a fever. He seemed better this morning. He played really well and was a fun little kid. The fever seemed to be gone. Then we hit some sort of pot hole.
He said he had a dirty diaper (no he isn't potty trained yet - you do it) so we went to change it. It wasn't dirty or even wet so I said "let's go potty". I figured he had to go since he was talking about it. So he sat and I gave him an Elmo potty book. It has lots of buttons that make sound effects. The story is something about Elmo and his dolly David getting potty trained.
Anyway, Peanut sat there quite a while and then said he was done. He tried to take the book to the living room and I told him it was the bathroom book to be read while on the potty. This would be where the pot hole was lurking. He wanted to get back on the potty to read the book. I was OK with this, but asked him if he had to go or did he just want to read. Then he got upset. He threw the book (breaking it) and the rest of the day went down hill.
We had lunch and he spent most of it staring into space. He was really tired. So I took upstairs to nap. We started reading books and one thing after another he lost out on the last two books. Crying. Two hours later, still no nap. Some time after that I realized he was burning up again. He sat next to me and put his little head on my shoulder. He only snuggles like that when he doesn't feel well. We watched television and a movie to pass time. He ate a bite or two of toast for dinner and we were off to bed.
Things were going so-so at this point. He was totally exhausted. His poor little eyes were all puffy from being sick and crying so much. Bedtime is usually 8:30pm, but tonight I started at 7. Good thing I did. We did the routine and got into bed. He started coughing and then threw up. So I stripped him and the bed, got everything cleaned up and started over. He freaked out when I left the room without taking his cup and cried for a minute, then passed out. Thumper started to freak out at this point too. I fed him to quiet him and that worked for a bit.
Both boys were out of sync today. When one went to sleep the other woke up grumpy (or didn't sleep). When I finally got one calmed down and situated the other lost his mind. I didn't have much time for anything today. At one point I had to pee and remembered like 3 hours later I never did.
I would love to send Peanut to school tomorrow so I can rest. Since he had fever and threw up tonight I think it's a bad idea. It's movie day though. They basically watch a movie, eat lunch, nap and then watch another movie. I don't think he would be over active, but he might cough on all the other kids. I'd hate to start some epidemic. I might go out of my mind though. The next school day (rest day for me) won't be until next Wednesday. Aack!
I just realized both boys are asleep. I'm out of here and off to bed.
He said he had a dirty diaper (no he isn't potty trained yet - you do it) so we went to change it. It wasn't dirty or even wet so I said "let's go potty". I figured he had to go since he was talking about it. So he sat and I gave him an Elmo potty book. It has lots of buttons that make sound effects. The story is something about Elmo and his dolly David getting potty trained.
Anyway, Peanut sat there quite a while and then said he was done. He tried to take the book to the living room and I told him it was the bathroom book to be read while on the potty. This would be where the pot hole was lurking. He wanted to get back on the potty to read the book. I was OK with this, but asked him if he had to go or did he just want to read. Then he got upset. He threw the book (breaking it) and the rest of the day went down hill.
We had lunch and he spent most of it staring into space. He was really tired. So I took upstairs to nap. We started reading books and one thing after another he lost out on the last two books. Crying. Two hours later, still no nap. Some time after that I realized he was burning up again. He sat next to me and put his little head on my shoulder. He only snuggles like that when he doesn't feel well. We watched television and a movie to pass time. He ate a bite or two of toast for dinner and we were off to bed.
Things were going so-so at this point. He was totally exhausted. His poor little eyes were all puffy from being sick and crying so much. Bedtime is usually 8:30pm, but tonight I started at 7. Good thing I did. We did the routine and got into bed. He started coughing and then threw up. So I stripped him and the bed, got everything cleaned up and started over. He freaked out when I left the room without taking his cup and cried for a minute, then passed out. Thumper started to freak out at this point too. I fed him to quiet him and that worked for a bit.
Both boys were out of sync today. When one went to sleep the other woke up grumpy (or didn't sleep). When I finally got one calmed down and situated the other lost his mind. I didn't have much time for anything today. At one point I had to pee and remembered like 3 hours later I never did.
I would love to send Peanut to school tomorrow so I can rest. Since he had fever and threw up tonight I think it's a bad idea. It's movie day though. They basically watch a movie, eat lunch, nap and then watch another movie. I don't think he would be over active, but he might cough on all the other kids. I'd hate to start some epidemic. I might go out of my mind though. The next school day (rest day for me) won't be until next Wednesday. Aack!
I just realized both boys are asleep. I'm out of here and off to bed.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
On My Mind
First, my kid is sick. Peanut has had a runny nose for over a week and in the last few days a cough has developed. Today a fever popped up. It is low-grade, but will be watched. Tonight he was coughing so hard he threw up. He was pretty upset about it. Daddy did a great job calming him down and I changed all the bedding. During the day he would cough and look at me with tears in his eyes as if to say 'mommy, make it stop'. How I wish I could have. It really breaks my heart to see my kid sick.
So, no school for him tomorrow. As a mother I totally understand and he should stay home and I'll nurse him to health if I can. As an individual that is very used to sending him to school on a Wednesday I'm disappointed to have to give up 'my' day. Even though I still have Thumper I can relax quite a bit. Sure Thumper cries, but I feed him and put him to sleep and things are great.
Oh well. We'll probably end up watching television for most of the day. That's OK. Kids need those lazy sick days. It won't hurt him to be spoiled for an extra day. My concern at this point is to keep the other 3 family members from getting it. I pretty much get everything that gets anywhere near me so I'm probably going to get it. Please, please, please do not let the baby get it. That is the last thing we need.
Second, I am supposed to be helping my sister with a paint job. I did tell her ahead of time that this is her job and I would help when I could. I spent about 6 hours there yesterday and got 2 1/2 hours worth of work done. It's hard to work with a baby. He was extra fussy yesterday and didn't nap well. I was frustrated. When you have a baby you know you won't get stuff done, but you still want to. Anyway, I didn't work today and won't tomorrow or Thursday. So maybe on Friday if we all stay healthy I might get to work some. I have to keep reminding myself the kids come first and anything after that is gravy for me.
I told my sister tonight that I might have to stay home. She was pretty uncaring about it. She basically said 'whatever'. I was a little sad until I realized the other option is she makes me feel bad for not being there. Neither option was one I wanted, but I'm not sure there was one in between. Maybe she could have said something about she understands, but she'll still miss having me there. Yes. That would have been nice to hear.
Third. I'm tired. Have I mentioned that before? Oh. Well it's still true. I don't feel appreciated. Do I toot my own horn to get attention? That somehow feels fake. If no one notices what I do, then what's the point. I don't want to have to list what I do so someone can then say oh wow.
Fourth. Did I mention the cleaning people are gone? It was a mix up and I don't miss them really, but I miss having a clean house. We are total slackers when it comes to cleaning. Right now we have an excuse with the sick kids, but what then? I guess I'll try to find a new person soon.
So, no school for him tomorrow. As a mother I totally understand and he should stay home and I'll nurse him to health if I can. As an individual that is very used to sending him to school on a Wednesday I'm disappointed to have to give up 'my' day. Even though I still have Thumper I can relax quite a bit. Sure Thumper cries, but I feed him and put him to sleep and things are great.
Oh well. We'll probably end up watching television for most of the day. That's OK. Kids need those lazy sick days. It won't hurt him to be spoiled for an extra day. My concern at this point is to keep the other 3 family members from getting it. I pretty much get everything that gets anywhere near me so I'm probably going to get it. Please, please, please do not let the baby get it. That is the last thing we need.
Second, I am supposed to be helping my sister with a paint job. I did tell her ahead of time that this is her job and I would help when I could. I spent about 6 hours there yesterday and got 2 1/2 hours worth of work done. It's hard to work with a baby. He was extra fussy yesterday and didn't nap well. I was frustrated. When you have a baby you know you won't get stuff done, but you still want to. Anyway, I didn't work today and won't tomorrow or Thursday. So maybe on Friday if we all stay healthy I might get to work some. I have to keep reminding myself the kids come first and anything after that is gravy for me.
I told my sister tonight that I might have to stay home. She was pretty uncaring about it. She basically said 'whatever'. I was a little sad until I realized the other option is she makes me feel bad for not being there. Neither option was one I wanted, but I'm not sure there was one in between. Maybe she could have said something about she understands, but she'll still miss having me there. Yes. That would have been nice to hear.
Third. I'm tired. Have I mentioned that before? Oh. Well it's still true. I don't feel appreciated. Do I toot my own horn to get attention? That somehow feels fake. If no one notices what I do, then what's the point. I don't want to have to list what I do so someone can then say oh wow.
Fourth. Did I mention the cleaning people are gone? It was a mix up and I don't miss them really, but I miss having a clean house. We are total slackers when it comes to cleaning. Right now we have an excuse with the sick kids, but what then? I guess I'll try to find a new person soon.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Loads of Random
We've lived in our house for one year. We made the offer on July 4th and closed on my birthday. Then we moved in two days later. One month later I got pregnant. In the following months we've slowly painted and re-painted a few rooms. There is still a lot to do, but a couple rooms look pretty good. None of them are totally finished, but look nice enough for now. Maybe if I had mucho money to spend we could finish the decorating in a flash. I'm going as fast as the budget allows (which is pretty slow). That's ok. It gives me time to think of what I really want.
Why do smokers wear seat belts? Does anyone else think that's weird? Smoking slowly kills you whereas a car crash could kill you instantly. Are they afraid to die fast? I believe smoking causes cancer and other bad stuff to infect your body. Smoking will kill you. Sure, it's not immediate and some will argue that you will die anyway (although sooner if you ask me). A car crash would probably kill you pretty fast if not instantly. So smokers are ok with dying a slow cancer death but not a quick car crash death. Go figure.
I'm going to the dentist on Friday. I hate the dentist. Sure, I've never been to this one, but I already hate it. They clean your teeth and tell you how awful you are at taking care of your teeth. I do the best I can. Yes, I could do better, but I don't. So please don't make me feel bad about it. Just fix me up and send me on my way. Oh and could you just knock me out while you do the work? That would be fantastic.
My boys are growing so fast. Peanut will be three soon! It occurred to me he will be moving to a new room at daycare. He'll have a new teacher and be with new friends. Of course he has to be potty trained first, but I think that will happen soon enough. I hope he copes ok. Some of the kids in the 3's room he already knows from when they were in the 2's room. I'm not sure I can handle it.
The baby is growing fast too. I looked at him today while he was asleep on my lap. His head is enormous. I can't believe he is almost 3 month old. Where is time going?
My sister scored a couple of painting jobs. I do hope I can work some. I think it will be hard with the baby, but he does nap. Part of me doesn't want to work while he naps since that is my time. Making money seems like a pretty good motivator to do something though.
My cleaning service accidentally ditched me. I got a letter saying they were sorry I left when actually I never left. I told them to forget it. To me good customer service is making me feel like I'm the only customer regardless of how many they actually have. The gal started talking about how she has so many customers she can't keep track of them. Well, now she has one less. Apparently two less since some other person did cancel. She try too hard to get us back either. She said they could still come, but didn't offer to make it up to us in any way. I thought a little discount or something wouldn't have hurt them at all, but whatever. Saving the money is fine with me. We'll either find someone else or I'll try to get my butt in gear and do that on top of everything else.
Speaking of everything else...I've been doing the washing, folding and putting away laundry, loading and unloading the dishwasher, washing the other dishes by hand and putting them away, going to the grocery store, planning and fixing meals, generally cleaning up as well as trying to sort through the disaster that is the office and oh yeah, raising two children. Could I get a bit of appreciation? I'm feeling a bit overlooked. I think some of that comes from my sister. She asked me to help her design her daughters new room and I gave ideas and made drawings. She didn't really appreciate anything I did. Eventually, I sort of backed away. I wanted to help and be a part of it, but I also wanted to not be taken advantage of. So it's done or at least getting there. Some of it is how I suggested, but most of it is how her mother wanted it. So much for doing something the daughter wanted.
I've wrenched my back. I was on the couch and stood up with the baby and then it was stiff. It hurts to move. Guess I better figure out what medicine I can take. At this point I need a heavy dose of something.
Summer is almost over. I think we did what we could to enjoy it. Sometimes I think we stayed at home too much, but we made it to the pool quite a bit and did have some fun. Having a baby takes a couple options out of your life, but we tried to just incorporate him when we could.
I'm also attempting to sew again. I'm making new bedding for the baby. I've bought the fabric and I'm trying to sew a bumper pad and bed skirt with only the existing ones as a pattern. This should be interesting. I'll try to post a picture when they are done. If they are ever done that is.
I'm going to try to make this for a party this weekend.
Why do smokers wear seat belts? Does anyone else think that's weird? Smoking slowly kills you whereas a car crash could kill you instantly. Are they afraid to die fast? I believe smoking causes cancer and other bad stuff to infect your body. Smoking will kill you. Sure, it's not immediate and some will argue that you will die anyway (although sooner if you ask me). A car crash would probably kill you pretty fast if not instantly. So smokers are ok with dying a slow cancer death but not a quick car crash death. Go figure.
I'm going to the dentist on Friday. I hate the dentist. Sure, I've never been to this one, but I already hate it. They clean your teeth and tell you how awful you are at taking care of your teeth. I do the best I can. Yes, I could do better, but I don't. So please don't make me feel bad about it. Just fix me up and send me on my way. Oh and could you just knock me out while you do the work? That would be fantastic.
My boys are growing so fast. Peanut will be three soon! It occurred to me he will be moving to a new room at daycare. He'll have a new teacher and be with new friends. Of course he has to be potty trained first, but I think that will happen soon enough. I hope he copes ok. Some of the kids in the 3's room he already knows from when they were in the 2's room. I'm not sure I can handle it.
The baby is growing fast too. I looked at him today while he was asleep on my lap. His head is enormous. I can't believe he is almost 3 month old. Where is time going?
My sister scored a couple of painting jobs. I do hope I can work some. I think it will be hard with the baby, but he does nap. Part of me doesn't want to work while he naps since that is my time. Making money seems like a pretty good motivator to do something though.
My cleaning service accidentally ditched me. I got a letter saying they were sorry I left when actually I never left. I told them to forget it. To me good customer service is making me feel like I'm the only customer regardless of how many they actually have. The gal started talking about how she has so many customers she can't keep track of them. Well, now she has one less. Apparently two less since some other person did cancel. She try too hard to get us back either. She said they could still come, but didn't offer to make it up to us in any way. I thought a little discount or something wouldn't have hurt them at all, but whatever. Saving the money is fine with me. We'll either find someone else or I'll try to get my butt in gear and do that on top of everything else.
Speaking of everything else...I've been doing the washing, folding and putting away laundry, loading and unloading the dishwasher, washing the other dishes by hand and putting them away, going to the grocery store, planning and fixing meals, generally cleaning up as well as trying to sort through the disaster that is the office and oh yeah, raising two children. Could I get a bit of appreciation? I'm feeling a bit overlooked. I think some of that comes from my sister. She asked me to help her design her daughters new room and I gave ideas and made drawings. She didn't really appreciate anything I did. Eventually, I sort of backed away. I wanted to help and be a part of it, but I also wanted to not be taken advantage of. So it's done or at least getting there. Some of it is how I suggested, but most of it is how her mother wanted it. So much for doing something the daughter wanted.
I've wrenched my back. I was on the couch and stood up with the baby and then it was stiff. It hurts to move. Guess I better figure out what medicine I can take. At this point I need a heavy dose of something.
Summer is almost over. I think we did what we could to enjoy it. Sometimes I think we stayed at home too much, but we made it to the pool quite a bit and did have some fun. Having a baby takes a couple options out of your life, but we tried to just incorporate him when we could.
I'm also attempting to sew again. I'm making new bedding for the baby. I've bought the fabric and I'm trying to sew a bumper pad and bed skirt with only the existing ones as a pattern. This should be interesting. I'll try to post a picture when they are done. If they are ever done that is.
I'm going to try to make this for a party this weekend.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
No One in the Bedroom
So, I had a baby not long ago. There are lots of books and whatever that says you should wait 6 weeks to do the deed after the birth. That's great. I was just sort of feeling slightly back to normal at 6 weeks. So here we are at almost 11 weeks and lets just say we haven't had 'relations' in a while.
On one hand I think we should sort of get it over with. The first time I mean. After that I think it will get better and we'll get back into the groove, so to speak. On the other hand I'm not interested so why force it? I guess because if we don't get to it, we may start having some issues.
I'm beat at the end of the day. Keeping up with the kids and the house is draining. Plus, Husband is in an MBA program and he is crazy busy with school. Two nights a week he is home late and the other nights he is usually doing homework. We rarely go to bed at the same time. Not much love happening there. I'm not complaining. I know he has to study to do well at school and I want him to do well. It's just that sometimes I want him to pay more attention to me.
I guess maybe 2 months isn't that long and I should give us a break. I was just thinking about it.
On one hand I think we should sort of get it over with. The first time I mean. After that I think it will get better and we'll get back into the groove, so to speak. On the other hand I'm not interested so why force it? I guess because if we don't get to it, we may start having some issues.
I'm beat at the end of the day. Keeping up with the kids and the house is draining. Plus, Husband is in an MBA program and he is crazy busy with school. Two nights a week he is home late and the other nights he is usually doing homework. We rarely go to bed at the same time. Not much love happening there. I'm not complaining. I know he has to study to do well at school and I want him to do well. It's just that sometimes I want him to pay more attention to me.
I guess maybe 2 months isn't that long and I should give us a break. I was just thinking about it.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Argh
Let me start by saying I love my family and have never been happier. That being said I think the postpartum phase has begun. I've been OK for the first few weeks, but I'm still not myself. It's not really the typical depressed, don't want to go anywhere or see anyone feeling. It's more the, tick me off and I'll punch you in the face sort of feeling.
I'm tired. I'm jealous of anyone and everyone sleeping more than me. I'd love to do something all my own for a day even if that meant going to work for eight hours. I'm tired of cooking, cleaning, keeping things in line and laundry. I'm tired of Peanut having no memory of things he is not supposed to do and doing them so often I'm on the brink of screaming. Is two years, eight months the point at which they snap and can do nothing but test me?
I'm tired of still looking/feeling pregnant. I know it's only been three weeks and I'm not expecting it to be different so fast, but my clothes don't fit and I'm tired of being sore. I think as a reward for birthing a child, nature should get your body back to you a lot faster. It would make dealing with things a lot easier.
At the end of the day I have given all I have to Peanut, the baby and the house and there is nothing left for me or Husband. He tries to hold my hand or do some other loving gesture and I can't stand it. I just want to be left alone. It doesn't mean I don't love him, it's just I have nothing left. At night when the baby wakes up he usually gets up with him first and I go to the bathroom and then stumble in to feed the baby. Husband goes back to bed until the next feeding. On one hand I think this makes sense since he has to get up and go to work while I can stay home and sort of lay around all day. But, on the other hand I hate that I have to be awake for an hour to feed, change and get baby back to sleep. Then I get to do it again in two hours.
That's another thing. That whole three hour schedule is bull. I realize you count from the beginning of a feeding to the next, but when it's an hour (or more) until you get done then you only have 1-2 hours before the next feeding. I guess that's some sleep, but just when you get comfortable it's time to get up again.
I feel that breastfeeding is the best option for my kid. It's healthy and good for me and not to mention cheaper than formula. But there are times I think it would be a lot nicer to let someone else take a feeding or two. Husband did offer to feed baby a bottle of pumped milk, but I'd still have to get up and pump so I may as well feed baby.
I'll get over all of this as soon as I get some more sleep and me time. There are things I'd like to do that I just can't yet. Once I can do them I think I'll feel a little more human. Until then, just don't tick me off or you might get that punch to the face. ;)
I'm tired. I'm jealous of anyone and everyone sleeping more than me. I'd love to do something all my own for a day even if that meant going to work for eight hours. I'm tired of cooking, cleaning, keeping things in line and laundry. I'm tired of Peanut having no memory of things he is not supposed to do and doing them so often I'm on the brink of screaming. Is two years, eight months the point at which they snap and can do nothing but test me?
I'm tired of still looking/feeling pregnant. I know it's only been three weeks and I'm not expecting it to be different so fast, but my clothes don't fit and I'm tired of being sore. I think as a reward for birthing a child, nature should get your body back to you a lot faster. It would make dealing with things a lot easier.
At the end of the day I have given all I have to Peanut, the baby and the house and there is nothing left for me or Husband. He tries to hold my hand or do some other loving gesture and I can't stand it. I just want to be left alone. It doesn't mean I don't love him, it's just I have nothing left. At night when the baby wakes up he usually gets up with him first and I go to the bathroom and then stumble in to feed the baby. Husband goes back to bed until the next feeding. On one hand I think this makes sense since he has to get up and go to work while I can stay home and sort of lay around all day. But, on the other hand I hate that I have to be awake for an hour to feed, change and get baby back to sleep. Then I get to do it again in two hours.
That's another thing. That whole three hour schedule is bull. I realize you count from the beginning of a feeding to the next, but when it's an hour (or more) until you get done then you only have 1-2 hours before the next feeding. I guess that's some sleep, but just when you get comfortable it's time to get up again.
I feel that breastfeeding is the best option for my kid. It's healthy and good for me and not to mention cheaper than formula. But there are times I think it would be a lot nicer to let someone else take a feeding or two. Husband did offer to feed baby a bottle of pumped milk, but I'd still have to get up and pump so I may as well feed baby.
I'll get over all of this as soon as I get some more sleep and me time. There are things I'd like to do that I just can't yet. Once I can do them I think I'll feel a little more human. Until then, just don't tick me off or you might get that punch to the face. ;)
Friday, May 23, 2008
If at First You Don't Succeed, Pack Your Bags and Go Home
When I woke up today at 7 I felt yucky. Something was off. I got up and tried to pinpoint the problem. Mostly I felt a little sick. Then the contractions started. These were not the same contractions I had been having for weeks. These were more painful, in a different location and just felt like the ones I needed. We went through our morning and the contractions got stronger. I didn't want to do anything. We took Peanut to school and then called the doctor. She suggested going to hospital to get checked and we would go from there.
My mom and sister, J, were with me as well as Husband. We started to play some cards to pass the time. Somewhere just after the middle I started to not feel so hot. The urge to vomit was pretty strong and only intensified with each contraction. Suddenly other voices were annoying. The sound of the cards were annoying. Everything was grating on me. I said I needed to stop and J asked if I wanted them to leave. All I could manage was a nod. She and my mom happily went to lunch.
Then I was hot, cold, agitated, uncomfortable and in pain. I wanted it to stop. I wanted to get up and run away from the hurting. After a few minutes of this I got up to go to the bathroom. I did my thing and when I got back I could drink water and felt mostly fine. My feet were cold, but otherwise no hot/cold flashes. The color in my face returned and I felt pretty good except for the contractions still coming every 2-4 minutes.
The nurse came in a while later and said I was being sent home. I wasn't dilating and though I was having a good contraction pattern it wasn't true labor. Husband was upset and I was OK until I got in the shower tonight and the disappointment hit me hard. I've done this twice with no baby. I'm not sure how much more I can take.
This felt just like the last time. The urge to vomit, not feeling well, regular contractions, trip to hospital were all the same. Also the same were slightly dehydrated, urine culture that didn't indicate UTI but was yucky (whatever that means) and eating a turkey sandwich for lunch the day of or slightly before all this happened.
My best guess is that I'm allergic or aggravated by something used to process the turkey at the grocery store deli. I've had it twice since we moved/got pregnant and both times ended up in the hospital. My body feels sick and tries to get rid of the yuck including starting contractions to get baby out. Lots of water later and I seem to be better.
I should be holding a baby by now. I should be in the hospital deciding on a name and who he/she looks more like. I should be through with labor and working on recovery.
I know eventually we will have this baby, but it was a hard day and I'm tired.
My mom and sister, J, were with me as well as Husband. We started to play some cards to pass the time. Somewhere just after the middle I started to not feel so hot. The urge to vomit was pretty strong and only intensified with each contraction. Suddenly other voices were annoying. The sound of the cards were annoying. Everything was grating on me. I said I needed to stop and J asked if I wanted them to leave. All I could manage was a nod. She and my mom happily went to lunch.
Then I was hot, cold, agitated, uncomfortable and in pain. I wanted it to stop. I wanted to get up and run away from the hurting. After a few minutes of this I got up to go to the bathroom. I did my thing and when I got back I could drink water and felt mostly fine. My feet were cold, but otherwise no hot/cold flashes. The color in my face returned and I felt pretty good except for the contractions still coming every 2-4 minutes.
The nurse came in a while later and said I was being sent home. I wasn't dilating and though I was having a good contraction pattern it wasn't true labor. Husband was upset and I was OK until I got in the shower tonight and the disappointment hit me hard. I've done this twice with no baby. I'm not sure how much more I can take.
This felt just like the last time. The urge to vomit, not feeling well, regular contractions, trip to hospital were all the same. Also the same were slightly dehydrated, urine culture that didn't indicate UTI but was yucky (whatever that means) and eating a turkey sandwich for lunch the day of or slightly before all this happened.
My best guess is that I'm allergic or aggravated by something used to process the turkey at the grocery store deli. I've had it twice since we moved/got pregnant and both times ended up in the hospital. My body feels sick and tries to get rid of the yuck including starting contractions to get baby out. Lots of water later and I seem to be better.
I should be holding a baby by now. I should be in the hospital deciding on a name and who he/she looks more like. I should be through with labor and working on recovery.
I know eventually we will have this baby, but it was a hard day and I'm tired.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Time Gets Longer and Longer (and Harder and Harder)
I got a call today from the doctor office. They can't do the induction on the 27th so they moved me to the 30th. On one hand it's no big deal, what's three days later? On the other hand it's three days later. I'm done now. I'm ready to walk into the hospital and get this baby out of me. My emotions are all over the place, I have no energy and I'm done.
I'm pretty tired of people telling me when to have the baby. Making a playful guess as to when you think it will arrive is OK. Telling me it's just not convenient for you on such and such a day is not OK. This baby will get here whenever it does. I'm working on what is right for me and baby. Other than Husband and maybe the doctor, no one really gets a say here.
Some friends have been out of the country on vacation and before they left they (mostly the wife, the husband is pretty cool) kept telling me not to have it while they were gone. Who cares? It's not like she is the doctor or even related to me. My own mother keeps telling me that the 27th is too late and I should do it sooner. Well, fabulous, when is a good time for you since you seem to have an in with the hospital and are going to deliver this thing? Hospitals have schedules and so do doctors. While they can't plan every birth they can plan the scheduled ones so that it doesn't interfere with another delivery or surgery.
I'm pretty scared at this point. I'm having a hard time doing anything and wonder how I will manage with a baby. I know at least I'll be able to put my shoes on, but I'm still going to be very tired and unable to function. I'm terrified for Thursday nights to roll around since Husband will be gone all day and night with his class. How will I ever manage two children all day and night? Pizza anyone?
This pregnancy has been spent worried about the future. I've even regretted being pregnant. I know that may offend some folks, but I'm sorry it's how I feel. No one has re-assured me either. Husband only says things will be fine if I point blank ask him. He hasn't spent much time telling me he's happy about it. He just says "things will be fine". Well, yes, I'm sure they will, but will we still be married? Will I kill anyone? Will I live? I'm having a hard time feeling like this was a good idea. Even some friends and family have questioned our thinking in having another one so soon.
There has been very little time excited during this pregnancy. I never got excited about the nursery. It became more of a chore than something I wanted to do. This time around I wanted the room to look either very boy or very girl. Peanuts nursery was so neutral and I wanted it more boy (once we found out of course). So we decided to just wait to do the nursery until the baby was born. I started planning a boy room and a girl room so we could get started right away after the birth. Then I got tired of it. I think we'll just use what we have from the first one. It's neutral, but could go either way. It was cheap and is still pretty cute with little animals on it. It's just not what I originally thought, but all the joy has been sucked out of it so now I don't care. We'll do like we did with Peanut and make a specific room tailored to this kid in a couple years.
I'm never going to make it 15 more days.
I'm pretty tired of people telling me when to have the baby. Making a playful guess as to when you think it will arrive is OK. Telling me it's just not convenient for you on such and such a day is not OK. This baby will get here whenever it does. I'm working on what is right for me and baby. Other than Husband and maybe the doctor, no one really gets a say here.
Some friends have been out of the country on vacation and before they left they (mostly the wife, the husband is pretty cool) kept telling me not to have it while they were gone. Who cares? It's not like she is the doctor or even related to me. My own mother keeps telling me that the 27th is too late and I should do it sooner. Well, fabulous, when is a good time for you since you seem to have an in with the hospital and are going to deliver this thing? Hospitals have schedules and so do doctors. While they can't plan every birth they can plan the scheduled ones so that it doesn't interfere with another delivery or surgery.
I'm pretty scared at this point. I'm having a hard time doing anything and wonder how I will manage with a baby. I know at least I'll be able to put my shoes on, but I'm still going to be very tired and unable to function. I'm terrified for Thursday nights to roll around since Husband will be gone all day and night with his class. How will I ever manage two children all day and night? Pizza anyone?
This pregnancy has been spent worried about the future. I've even regretted being pregnant. I know that may offend some folks, but I'm sorry it's how I feel. No one has re-assured me either. Husband only says things will be fine if I point blank ask him. He hasn't spent much time telling me he's happy about it. He just says "things will be fine". Well, yes, I'm sure they will, but will we still be married? Will I kill anyone? Will I live? I'm having a hard time feeling like this was a good idea. Even some friends and family have questioned our thinking in having another one so soon.
There has been very little time excited during this pregnancy. I never got excited about the nursery. It became more of a chore than something I wanted to do. This time around I wanted the room to look either very boy or very girl. Peanuts nursery was so neutral and I wanted it more boy (once we found out of course). So we decided to just wait to do the nursery until the baby was born. I started planning a boy room and a girl room so we could get started right away after the birth. Then I got tired of it. I think we'll just use what we have from the first one. It's neutral, but could go either way. It was cheap and is still pretty cute with little animals on it. It's just not what I originally thought, but all the joy has been sucked out of it so now I don't care. We'll do like we did with Peanut and make a specific room tailored to this kid in a couple years.
I'm never going to make it 15 more days.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Open 24 Hours
I am a mom. I stay at home with my son. He is two. I chose to do this. I have the option to put him in daycare and go to work full time, but I choose to stay home. Does this mean that I am never "off work"?
Typically, one parent goes to work. Something like 8am to 5pm. They work at hospitals, law offices, book stores and whatever. They do their work from 8am to 5pm and then go home. They are done with that work. When they get home they are a parent. (Some people choose to not be parents, but I'm not talking about them.) So when they get home they visit with the family, eat, play and help put kid(s) to bed. Right? Or is it still the stay at home parents job to do that?
My job starts anywhere from 7 to 8 am. I don't drive to work. I don't have to fix my hair or wear nice clothes. My job starts the moment my son wakes up. Sometimes I wake up first and take a few minutes to get dressed or use the bathroom or something else all to my self. Most days he is up before I am. My job stops when he goes to sleep. Not bed, but to sleep. In actuality, I'm still on call, but not on active duty. If something happens in the night, Husband usually hears first. He is the first responder. Most times that works and I'm not needed, but occasionally I'm called in. So I'm really only on active duty from 7am to roughly 10pm.
So basically I'm either actively working or on call 24/7. When do I get a break? Do I get a break? My sister is basically a single parent because her husband rarely does any parenting duty. He will help, but only if asked and usually reluctantly. My husband helps quite a bit and I don't have to ask.
Since Husband is not home 1-2 nights per week to help I usually take Wednesday nights 'off'. I go wherever and try to relax and regroup. The last few times I've gone out I've come back to an unhappy house. I've wished I never left. All the good vibes I was collecting get smashed and I'm back in my blah rut. If I thought I could mentally handle it, I would just put myself in charge 24/7. The trouble is I can't handle it. I'm 7 months pregnant, not sleeping well and overall pretty tired. So I need help.
Husband keeps asking me why I'm grumpy or what's wrong. Well. I'm tired of asking for some kind of help and not getting it. I'm tired of feeling hopeless and things not changing. I'm tired of having the same conversations about things we could do or change to make it better and nothing coming of it. I'm tired of being referee. I'm tired of going to sleep all the while dreading waking up and dealing with it all again. But most of all, I'm just tired.
I'd really like this blog to be happy and funny and have lots of readers that leave wonderful comments, but I don't have it in me. I don't know of something happy and funny to write. I know of tired. Eventually I'll have this baby and my kids will grow up and maybe then things will change, but until then, this is where I'll vent.
Typically, one parent goes to work. Something like 8am to 5pm. They work at hospitals, law offices, book stores and whatever. They do their work from 8am to 5pm and then go home. They are done with that work. When they get home they are a parent. (Some people choose to not be parents, but I'm not talking about them.) So when they get home they visit with the family, eat, play and help put kid(s) to bed. Right? Or is it still the stay at home parents job to do that?
My job starts anywhere from 7 to 8 am. I don't drive to work. I don't have to fix my hair or wear nice clothes. My job starts the moment my son wakes up. Sometimes I wake up first and take a few minutes to get dressed or use the bathroom or something else all to my self. Most days he is up before I am. My job stops when he goes to sleep. Not bed, but to sleep. In actuality, I'm still on call, but not on active duty. If something happens in the night, Husband usually hears first. He is the first responder. Most times that works and I'm not needed, but occasionally I'm called in. So I'm really only on active duty from 7am to roughly 10pm.
So basically I'm either actively working or on call 24/7. When do I get a break? Do I get a break? My sister is basically a single parent because her husband rarely does any parenting duty. He will help, but only if asked and usually reluctantly. My husband helps quite a bit and I don't have to ask.
Since Husband is not home 1-2 nights per week to help I usually take Wednesday nights 'off'. I go wherever and try to relax and regroup. The last few times I've gone out I've come back to an unhappy house. I've wished I never left. All the good vibes I was collecting get smashed and I'm back in my blah rut. If I thought I could mentally handle it, I would just put myself in charge 24/7. The trouble is I can't handle it. I'm 7 months pregnant, not sleeping well and overall pretty tired. So I need help.
Husband keeps asking me why I'm grumpy or what's wrong. Well. I'm tired of asking for some kind of help and not getting it. I'm tired of feeling hopeless and things not changing. I'm tired of having the same conversations about things we could do or change to make it better and nothing coming of it. I'm tired of being referee. I'm tired of going to sleep all the while dreading waking up and dealing with it all again. But most of all, I'm just tired.
I'd really like this blog to be happy and funny and have lots of readers that leave wonderful comments, but I don't have it in me. I don't know of something happy and funny to write. I know of tired. Eventually I'll have this baby and my kids will grow up and maybe then things will change, but until then, this is where I'll vent.
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