Go to Italy.
Remodel my bathroom.
Lose 10 pounds.
Replace all the carpeting.
Build a new deck.
Go snow skiing.
Take my boys to all 50 states.
Vacation with my husband - and not the kids.
Buy all new Christmas decorations.
Get a new computer.
Go to Hawaii.
Landscape.
Not kill the plants.
Teach the boys to swim.
Go to the bathroom alone.
Grow my hair (why do I always cut it so short?)
Get a job.
Go on another cruise.
Buy all new clothes.
Teach my boys about faith.
Donate $10,000.
Take a week long nap.
Finish all my creative projects.
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Out of The Mouth
Child: What was your bad day?
Adult: Some folks were mean today.
C: Someone was mean to you?
A: Not mean to me, but folks were mean to each other.
C: Did they steal your milk?
Through the eyes of a child. All things are boiled down to the simplest ideas. Someone was mean - that's not nice.
Adult: Some folks were mean today.
C: Someone was mean to you?
A: Not mean to me, but folks were mean to each other.
C: Did they steal your milk?
Through the eyes of a child. All things are boiled down to the simplest ideas. Someone was mean - that's not nice.
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
O and Her Big Mouth
So the other day I was watching television (original I know) and saw Oprah. Patrick Swayze's wife was on talking about her life with Patrick. She seemed way too OK talking about all sorts of personal things. I started to tear up a bit when she was talking about his last days and watching him die. I am sure they expected this from the day they got the diagnosis, but still, after 34 years you don't even tear up?
So anyway, O keeps asking her questions, but never lets her answer much.
Oprah: "So, tell us what his last days were like"
Patrick Swayze's non-crying Wife: "He was OK"
O: "Was he in pain?"
PSncW: "Not really-
O: "Because I would think the end would be hard, very painful"
PSncW: "He had the drugs to -
O: "Did you talk with him about dying, God and all that other scary stuff"
PSncW: "The drugs knocked him out"
O: "Did you feel him leave this World"
PSncW: "I've felt animals leave when they died -
O: "You were so close I wonder if he felt he could leave you"
PSncW: "
O: "blah blah blah...I want to talk"
Every interview goes like this. She asks a question and then right as the person is ready to answer she interjects with what she thinks. Shut up already. I get you want to seem empathetic. It's annoying. Ask the question, then shut it.
Not that I watch that often, but it is a bit taxing.
So anyway, O keeps asking her questions, but never lets her answer much.
Oprah: "So, tell us what his last days were like"
Patrick Swayze's non-crying Wife: "He was OK"
O: "Was he in pain?"
PSncW: "Not really-
O: "Because I would think the end would be hard, very painful"
PSncW: "He had the drugs to -
O: "Did you talk with him about dying, God and all that other scary stuff"
PSncW: "The drugs knocked him out"
O: "Did you feel him leave this World"
PSncW: "I've felt animals leave when they died -
O: "You were so close I wonder if he felt he could leave you"
PSncW: "
O: "blah blah blah...I want to talk"
Every interview goes like this. She asks a question and then right as the person is ready to answer she interjects with what she thinks. Shut up already. I get you want to seem empathetic. It's annoying. Ask the question, then shut it.
Not that I watch that often, but it is a bit taxing.
Monday, November 02, 2009
All Saints Day
Sometimes you need a reality check. All Saints Day. So many people have done and are doing great things. Would you have the courage to hide and free slaves? Would you be stoned to death for the sins of others? What about in today's world? Could you stand up to a corporation that was breaking the law? Could you stand up for someone different from you?
I like to think I am open to everyone and I do not have a prejudice, but that is not true on every level. Sure I think women and men, white and black are all equal, but what about a convict that has served his/her sentence? Would I trust them? I hear you. It depends on the crime, blah, blah.
Anyway, could you do the right thing even if it is hard? I admire the ones that have and still do.
I like to think I am open to everyone and I do not have a prejudice, but that is not true on every level. Sure I think women and men, white and black are all equal, but what about a convict that has served his/her sentence? Would I trust them? I hear you. It depends on the crime, blah, blah.
Anyway, could you do the right thing even if it is hard? I admire the ones that have and still do.
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Boo
The boys had a great time last night. SF was Tigger and was so cute. His bright orange outfit was easy to see even in the dark. He loved carrying his pumpkin bucket and got upset if you tried to help carry. He did great and even managed to say thank you a few times. P was Optimus Prime and had a ball. He kept announcing the number of candies he had in his bag. "I have Five-ty eight" "I got one hundred eighty-none twenty-four". He was tired at the end. After our friends left I put him to bed. I am pretty sure he was asleep before I left the room.
Now we have tons of candy and mommy and daddy let them only have a couple pieces a day. It might last until next year. Oh well.
Now we have tons of candy and mommy and daddy let them only have a couple pieces a day. It might last until next year. Oh well.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Who Knew?
I asked for help. Finally I got tired of how things are and I asked a friend to point me in the right direction. She met with me and we talked and she pointed out a few things. At first I did not believe it. After thinking about it, though, it is all true. Seeing it now I think I can change it. I just hope it does not take years, but it will take time.
Who knew I was so messed up? I just thought it was everyone else. What is wrong with all of them? Now, I know it was me and they were never going to measure up to my ridiculous standards. They are not the problem. I am. Now I can get to work making some changes.
Who knew I was so messed up? I just thought it was everyone else. What is wrong with all of them? Now, I know it was me and they were never going to measure up to my ridiculous standards. They are not the problem. I am. Now I can get to work making some changes.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
I Hope
Hearing of someone else having a much worse time than you really puts things in perspective. I have been sort of wallowing in my life lately and today I got a new view. There were several people that had very serious things happening in their lives. They are not just getting tired of doing laundry, tired of doing the dishes or tired of vacuuming. They are worried about loved ones dying, children living too short lives, friends turning their backs. It just does not compare. Sure, my troubles are mine, and to me, maybe they are worth getting a little grumpy over. There are so many more things that could be wrong. I am thankful so much is right.
A good friend of mine has been down for a while. Today she was kicked while she was down. I won't share her story here, but I hope to share it in real life. I hope to be there to hold her hand if she needs. I hope to take her a nice meal to keep up her strength. I hope to hear the good news that things have turned around.
I believe things are the way they are for a reason. There is something learn or know or experience. There are several situations that I hope have been taught, shown or lived and things can turn around and move to a positive light. The time will come and I hope it's soon.
A good friend of mine has been down for a while. Today she was kicked while she was down. I won't share her story here, but I hope to share it in real life. I hope to be there to hold her hand if she needs. I hope to take her a nice meal to keep up her strength. I hope to hear the good news that things have turned around.
I believe things are the way they are for a reason. There is something learn or know or experience. There are several situations that I hope have been taught, shown or lived and things can turn around and move to a positive light. The time will come and I hope it's soon.
Sunday, July 05, 2009
Summer of '09
This is a summer of firsts for Peanut. He got to have S'mores at a friends house. He got to watch and help do some fireworks and something else I can't remember right now. He has really been having fun.
The fireworks have been the newest thing since the 4th was just yesterday. Thursday some of the neighbor kids were shooting some off and we walked to the end of the block to watch. One of the dads let him have a sparkler. He wasn't sure what to do at first, but his friend A was there and showed him how. A is five so he knows how a sparkler is done. Anyway, it was cute watching him with the older boys. He, at 3 1/2 is the youngest of the bunch. I would guess most of them are between 7 and 10. They are all very nice to him. They talk to him and help him out with things. It's wonderful. They don't treat him like a little kid. Maybe his size has something to do with it, but I'm glad they seem to accept him.
Friday we had some friends over for dinner and Peanut got to see a few more fireworks at our house. He and J did several boxes of those little snappers and sparklers. Husband and his buddy J shot of some simple things. It was a nice evening, especially since I got to hold baby S for a while. He's just one month old. So cute! Saturday we went to see more friends and Peanut got to play with his other friend A. They did really great. Usually they have a few squabbles, but last night they played for hours. I put Sweetface to bed and the adults got to play a game for a while. I hated to leave, but it was getting late.
All in all summer has been good to us so far. We've only been to the pool a couple times, but now that it's warmer we can go more often. It's hard to go by myself with the two kids, but if we go right when Husband gets home from work we have about an hour or so to play. That's plenty.
Edited: I remembered the other thing. He got to go to Coldstone to order his first ice cream. Chocolate Jello Pudding ice cream with Marshmallows. Yum!
The fireworks have been the newest thing since the 4th was just yesterday. Thursday some of the neighbor kids were shooting some off and we walked to the end of the block to watch. One of the dads let him have a sparkler. He wasn't sure what to do at first, but his friend A was there and showed him how. A is five so he knows how a sparkler is done. Anyway, it was cute watching him with the older boys. He, at 3 1/2 is the youngest of the bunch. I would guess most of them are between 7 and 10. They are all very nice to him. They talk to him and help him out with things. It's wonderful. They don't treat him like a little kid. Maybe his size has something to do with it, but I'm glad they seem to accept him.
Friday we had some friends over for dinner and Peanut got to see a few more fireworks at our house. He and J did several boxes of those little snappers and sparklers. Husband and his buddy J shot of some simple things. It was a nice evening, especially since I got to hold baby S for a while. He's just one month old. So cute! Saturday we went to see more friends and Peanut got to play with his other friend A. They did really great. Usually they have a few squabbles, but last night they played for hours. I put Sweetface to bed and the adults got to play a game for a while. I hated to leave, but it was getting late.
All in all summer has been good to us so far. We've only been to the pool a couple times, but now that it's warmer we can go more often. It's hard to go by myself with the two kids, but if we go right when Husband gets home from work we have about an hour or so to play. That's plenty.
Edited: I remembered the other thing. He got to go to Coldstone to order his first ice cream. Chocolate Jello Pudding ice cream with Marshmallows. Yum!
Thursday, July 02, 2009
I Think I am Doing it Wrong
I don't get the exercise high people talk about. I work out and sweat, but after it's over I just want to take a nap. Perhaps after I do it for a few days (weeks?) it will get better. Right now it feels like a lot of effort.
Our family has been trying to move to a healthier place. We eat out too much and eat meals made from a box too often. I've been buying fresh fruits and vegetables and once in a while we've been eating them. We have also switched to eating more Organic items. The downside is that you don't see instant results. This will really have more of a long-term affect on us. That's OK. The kids are young and have long lives to live. I would rather they be long healthy lives.
Posting has been pretty light. I have not had much to say and still don't really. I am trying to find my place right now. Both kids go to daycare a couple days a week so I have some time for me. I've been worn out and resting mostly, but trying to start some projects. My energy level has been pretty low.
Our family has been trying to move to a healthier place. We eat out too much and eat meals made from a box too often. I've been buying fresh fruits and vegetables and once in a while we've been eating them. We have also switched to eating more Organic items. The downside is that you don't see instant results. This will really have more of a long-term affect on us. That's OK. The kids are young and have long lives to live. I would rather they be long healthy lives.
Posting has been pretty light. I have not had much to say and still don't really. I am trying to find my place right now. Both kids go to daycare a couple days a week so I have some time for me. I've been worn out and resting mostly, but trying to start some projects. My energy level has been pretty low.
Friday, May 29, 2009
The Memories are Sweet
Tomorrow. One year ago almost to the minute I was preparing for my last good nights sleep. Husband was home from class and we were discussing the pros and cons of not going to the hospital the night before the induction. He said we could sleep good for one more night. It was close to 11 pm and finally we brushed teeth and went to bed. Only an hour later I snapped out of my dream saying "uh oh" and then saying it again a minute later as I was finally wide awake. My water broke. I grabbed a towel off the floor and ran to the bathroom.
I remember it like it was last night. I remember being excited and so calm. I remember waiting to find out if it was a girl or not. Then, finally, I had my baby. He looked just like Peanut. I was instantly in love. He was perfect. He nursed great, he snuggled and slept. The love was instant. They placed him on my chest and he was full in my heart already. He still is. He really is my Sweetface. He goes everywhere with me and is usually good natured about the whole thing. When he puts his head on my shoulder I'm not sure how I can contain this much love. My eyes well up with tears, the love is literally pouring out of me.
There will be a party tomorrow in celebration of my little boy turning one. He has earned every minute of it. He has five teeth and took his first steps four days before his birthday. He sleeps through the night, takes two naps during the day and eats like a champ (mostly). He wears 12 month clothes but sometimes needs 18 month. He is not nearly as tall as Peanut was, but weighs nearly the same. His eyes are blue and his hair is reddish blond and way too long. I love this boy with every pulse I have, with every breath I take. He is the most precious gift I have ever received and I am thankful for him every day.
Family is arriving and will stay through the weekend. Friends are coming tomorrow. So many people to come celebrate one of my two blessings. I am lucky. The cakes are made, the gifts are wrapped. I will frost/decorate cakes, vegetables will be chopped and punch will be made in the morning. After lunch the balloons will be strung up. I've given my worry to one that can handle it. His hands are bigger. I will only enjoy the memories of that day one year ago.
I remember it like it was last night. I remember being excited and so calm. I remember waiting to find out if it was a girl or not. Then, finally, I had my baby. He looked just like Peanut. I was instantly in love. He was perfect. He nursed great, he snuggled and slept. The love was instant. They placed him on my chest and he was full in my heart already. He still is. He really is my Sweetface. He goes everywhere with me and is usually good natured about the whole thing. When he puts his head on my shoulder I'm not sure how I can contain this much love. My eyes well up with tears, the love is literally pouring out of me.
There will be a party tomorrow in celebration of my little boy turning one. He has earned every minute of it. He has five teeth and took his first steps four days before his birthday. He sleeps through the night, takes two naps during the day and eats like a champ (mostly). He wears 12 month clothes but sometimes needs 18 month. He is not nearly as tall as Peanut was, but weighs nearly the same. His eyes are blue and his hair is reddish blond and way too long. I love this boy with every pulse I have, with every breath I take. He is the most precious gift I have ever received and I am thankful for him every day.
Family is arriving and will stay through the weekend. Friends are coming tomorrow. So many people to come celebrate one of my two blessings. I am lucky. The cakes are made, the gifts are wrapped. I will frost/decorate cakes, vegetables will be chopped and punch will be made in the morning. After lunch the balloons will be strung up. I've given my worry to one that can handle it. His hands are bigger. I will only enjoy the memories of that day one year ago.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
The Weeds are Growing Too
My baby will be one on Saturday. Suddenly he's much more interested in walking. At church on Sunday he took off like a mad man. Being held was torture for him. He still can't walk, but he went for all he was worth holding on to a mommy or daddy finger. He would plop down to crawl, but neither of us wanted him to get trampled in the lobby.
He is starting to eat better too. In general he is still pretty picky, but he seems willing to try more things. Or maybe I'm just offering him more things I think he will like. Either way I try to get a balanced diet in him. Fruit, vegetable, dairy and some meat. He loves bread, but gets more than he needs.
Peanut is testing us daily. He is an expert at pushing at the rules just enough that we bend a tiny bit without breaking the rule. But after a couple weeks we realize the rule has long been broken. We snap back to attention and Peanut hates it for a while before he starts pushing again. He was in top form today. Yesterday he was sick and got to have a Sprite to settle his tummy. Today he thought he would get another one even though he was feeling fine. I explained he got one special because he was sick. A few hours later he told this long story about birds and they get in your tummy and you go to the doctor and he tells you that you are sick and you get to go home and have a Sprite. It was a cute story.
I'm pudgy. I look 6 months pregnant. For real. I'm waiting for someone to ask when I'm due. Now that I'm done nursing and the baby is almost one I think it's time to own the extra weight that is still hanging around. It's not going to melt off from nursing or any other activity. Somehow I need to get some exercise in my life. Playing volleyball is great, but it's only once a week. There is a SAHM running group nearby, but they run on the nights I can't. I could join a gym, but most have less than fabulous daycares. I don't want to be paged in the middle of working out to come change a diaper. Surely there is a childcare center in a gym that will change a diaper if need be. Oh well. I could start at home for free, but I have zero motivation. I just know my clothes don't fit and swimsuit season is fast approaching.
He is starting to eat better too. In general he is still pretty picky, but he seems willing to try more things. Or maybe I'm just offering him more things I think he will like. Either way I try to get a balanced diet in him. Fruit, vegetable, dairy and some meat. He loves bread, but gets more than he needs.
Peanut is testing us daily. He is an expert at pushing at the rules just enough that we bend a tiny bit without breaking the rule. But after a couple weeks we realize the rule has long been broken. We snap back to attention and Peanut hates it for a while before he starts pushing again. He was in top form today. Yesterday he was sick and got to have a Sprite to settle his tummy. Today he thought he would get another one even though he was feeling fine. I explained he got one special because he was sick. A few hours later he told this long story about birds and they get in your tummy and you go to the doctor and he tells you that you are sick and you get to go home and have a Sprite. It was a cute story.
I'm pudgy. I look 6 months pregnant. For real. I'm waiting for someone to ask when I'm due. Now that I'm done nursing and the baby is almost one I think it's time to own the extra weight that is still hanging around. It's not going to melt off from nursing or any other activity. Somehow I need to get some exercise in my life. Playing volleyball is great, but it's only once a week. There is a SAHM running group nearby, but they run on the nights I can't. I could join a gym, but most have less than fabulous daycares. I don't want to be paged in the middle of working out to come change a diaper. Surely there is a childcare center in a gym that will change a diaper if need be. Oh well. I could start at home for free, but I have zero motivation. I just know my clothes don't fit and swimsuit season is fast approaching.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Will You be My Friend?
Can I just say?...Facebook kind of freaks me out. On the one hand it's nice to connect with people and learn more about them. I'm comfortable looking at pictures and reading insights of people I know at this moment in life. These are people I talk to and could hang out with.
It is the people that I have not seen or heard from in over 15 years that sort of takes my breath away. High school was not a fabulous place for me. I was mostly an average person. My school was small and I knew everyone, but was only good friends (or so I thought) with a few of them. After graduation I left for college and never looked back. No one else looked for me. For the most part I just faded away and allowed everyone else to fade as well. Ten years after graduation I got an email letting me know I missed my 10 year reunion. That is OK. I probably would not have gone anyway. A few friends caught me up on their lives and then we promptly lost touch again.
So now 5 years later I joined FB. I found several classmates. Some of them even sent me messages asking how my life is/has been. It feels very odd and somewhat forced to share my life with someone that let me fade away those many years ago. Is it a grudge? They forgot me then so they cannot know me now? My open mind and heart tell me to swallow the hurt and allow them in. The tough part comes after sharing. I posted very little and shared only enough to give a general snapshot of life today. Married with two kids living in xyz. I am finding they start off excited to see me and catch up, then they go back to what they were doing and I fade away again. I am also finding it is painful to again lose touch.
This quick catch up is fine for some folks. Really I am just curious where they are and what happened in their lives. I do not really want a relationship. FB works well for this. I saw a video of FB that really summed it up for me. It is a great tool and yet odd.
It is the people that I have not seen or heard from in over 15 years that sort of takes my breath away. High school was not a fabulous place for me. I was mostly an average person. My school was small and I knew everyone, but was only good friends (or so I thought) with a few of them. After graduation I left for college and never looked back. No one else looked for me. For the most part I just faded away and allowed everyone else to fade as well. Ten years after graduation I got an email letting me know I missed my 10 year reunion. That is OK. I probably would not have gone anyway. A few friends caught me up on their lives and then we promptly lost touch again.
So now 5 years later I joined FB. I found several classmates. Some of them even sent me messages asking how my life is/has been. It feels very odd and somewhat forced to share my life with someone that let me fade away those many years ago. Is it a grudge? They forgot me then so they cannot know me now? My open mind and heart tell me to swallow the hurt and allow them in. The tough part comes after sharing. I posted very little and shared only enough to give a general snapshot of life today. Married with two kids living in xyz. I am finding they start off excited to see me and catch up, then they go back to what they were doing and I fade away again. I am also finding it is painful to again lose touch.
This quick catch up is fine for some folks. Really I am just curious where they are and what happened in their lives. I do not really want a relationship. FB works well for this. I saw a video of FB that really summed it up for me. It is a great tool and yet odd.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Smell the Happieness
Well, Spring has sprung and I'm feeling much better. We are all still having good and bad times, but now that the sky is blue and the grass and trees are green again I am happier. So I just read my last post...Anyone ready for something lighter and happier? Me too. It's wonderful to be able to go outside and not freeze to death. Everything seems happier. Birds are chirping and flowers are starting to peek up. I must really have SAD bad.
*
Some lady was going door to door selling paintings. It was a bit unusual, but they were rather good. I'm not sure if she actually painted anything or just put her name on something, but the pictures were beautiful. I would have bought more if they weren't so pricey. She came down $30 and then I boldly offered her another $20 off. She sort of sighed and bit her lip. She had been out all day and didn't seem to have sold anything. I figured if she was desperate she would take it. She did. I'm the owner of two lovely abstract oil paintings. I really like them and will get them hung up in the next few weeks.
I felt kind of gutsy asking for a deal. I'm not that type of person at all. Usually I just go with whatever is on the table. I don't know what made this moment different. Oh well. In my eyes we both won. She got some cash and I got a couple paintings.
*Peanut and Husband are getting ready for bath and once Peanut takes his clothes off he runs around the house naked for a bit. They are upstairs getting ready for bath and I'm downstairs. A little streaker just ran in and out of here in a flash. Makes me giggle.
*
Some lady was going door to door selling paintings. It was a bit unusual, but they were rather good. I'm not sure if she actually painted anything or just put her name on something, but the pictures were beautiful. I would have bought more if they weren't so pricey. She came down $30 and then I boldly offered her another $20 off. She sort of sighed and bit her lip. She had been out all day and didn't seem to have sold anything. I figured if she was desperate she would take it. She did. I'm the owner of two lovely abstract oil paintings. I really like them and will get them hung up in the next few weeks.
I felt kind of gutsy asking for a deal. I'm not that type of person at all. Usually I just go with whatever is on the table. I don't know what made this moment different. Oh well. In my eyes we both won. She got some cash and I got a couple paintings.
*Peanut and Husband are getting ready for bath and once Peanut takes his clothes off he runs around the house naked for a bit. They are upstairs getting ready for bath and I'm downstairs. A little streaker just ran in and out of here in a flash. Makes me giggle.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Put a Fork in Me - I am Done
When I say I’m done…
I mean I am tired of being me. I’m at the end of my rope and asking for help. I cannot deal with the kid(s) any more. I want to walk out the door and not come back.
I do pretty well for a while but it’s all building inside. Every time I have to repeat myself, to start counting to 3 or taking a toy away it builds more. Every time I have to tell them to stop, to listen, to pay attention it builds. Every time I have to clean something spilled, put things away they should not have or re-direct them to something else it builds. Then I reach a point where I’m done. I struggle to care.
I’m done. I don’t want to play, to listen to them, to talk to them. I don’t want to be around them. I’m done trying to stay calm, to understand, cleaning things up and thinking of what to do next. I’m done being the nose wiper, the butt wiper the face washer and the hand washer.
I start to think they are better off with someone at a daycare or a nanny. Surely some one doing this as a chosen job is better at it than I am. Someone else can feed them, clean them and tell them the same thing 1000 times before 8am.
I don’t get much of a break. My job is a full time job. The ‘mom’ never turns off. I know you are also the ‘dad’ full time and that does not turn off either. If you get stressed at work you have the luxury of going to the gym for a while or taking off early or getting a drink. When I get stressed I have to make lunch, change diapers, clean up, try to give naps (and not get upset when they don’t) and all the things that stressed me out in the first place. Sure I can go to a gym too, but I have to take the kids with me to the daycare. I can drop them off for 2 hours, knowing they are waiting there for me at the end of it.
This is about me, but I know you have stress too. School and work not to mention the crazy lady at home. All that adds to my stress because I don’t want to bother you. I know you can’t very well leave work whenever I have a bad day.
So what do I do? I thought playing volleyball and having Wednesday night was enough to keep me re-grouped, but there are things in relations to those that stress me out. I still watch them all day, plan meals and whatever. Then occasionally my time off gets overrun by something else. I get pushed aside for another day. I go along with it assuming I will get my time or what else is needed is more important.
So when I’m done – I’m losing my grip. I’m angry, upset, sad and ready to quit. I’m not sure what I want to hear. Maybe something only for me. Something that shows someone else is paying attentions and cares. I’d like a friend. Someone to invite me out. Someone to swap kids with . Someone I can call. Someone I felt close to. Do not suggest I know this person. If I did I would not be writing this – I’d be on the phone with them.
I mean I am tired of being me. I’m at the end of my rope and asking for help. I cannot deal with the kid(s) any more. I want to walk out the door and not come back.
I do pretty well for a while but it’s all building inside. Every time I have to repeat myself, to start counting to 3 or taking a toy away it builds more. Every time I have to tell them to stop, to listen, to pay attention it builds. Every time I have to clean something spilled, put things away they should not have or re-direct them to something else it builds. Then I reach a point where I’m done. I struggle to care.
I’m done. I don’t want to play, to listen to them, to talk to them. I don’t want to be around them. I’m done trying to stay calm, to understand, cleaning things up and thinking of what to do next. I’m done being the nose wiper, the butt wiper the face washer and the hand washer.
I start to think they are better off with someone at a daycare or a nanny. Surely some one doing this as a chosen job is better at it than I am. Someone else can feed them, clean them and tell them the same thing 1000 times before 8am.
I don’t get much of a break. My job is a full time job. The ‘mom’ never turns off. I know you are also the ‘dad’ full time and that does not turn off either. If you get stressed at work you have the luxury of going to the gym for a while or taking off early or getting a drink. When I get stressed I have to make lunch, change diapers, clean up, try to give naps (and not get upset when they don’t) and all the things that stressed me out in the first place. Sure I can go to a gym too, but I have to take the kids with me to the daycare. I can drop them off for 2 hours, knowing they are waiting there for me at the end of it.
This is about me, but I know you have stress too. School and work not to mention the crazy lady at home. All that adds to my stress because I don’t want to bother you. I know you can’t very well leave work whenever I have a bad day.
So what do I do? I thought playing volleyball and having Wednesday night was enough to keep me re-grouped, but there are things in relations to those that stress me out. I still watch them all day, plan meals and whatever. Then occasionally my time off gets overrun by something else. I get pushed aside for another day. I go along with it assuming I will get my time or what else is needed is more important.
So when I’m done – I’m losing my grip. I’m angry, upset, sad and ready to quit. I’m not sure what I want to hear. Maybe something only for me. Something that shows someone else is paying attentions and cares. I’d like a friend. Someone to invite me out. Someone to swap kids with . Someone I can call. Someone I felt close to. Do not suggest I know this person. If I did I would not be writing this – I’d be on the phone with them.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Tonight
Life with kids. It really does change every aspect of your life. I used to stay up late, sleep in and be lazy. Now I stay up later than I should, sleep in as late as I can and while I'm still a bit lazy I have to get moving for the kids. Of course I also had a job to dress for and get to on time. My mom job lets me wear pajamas if I want, though I have to be on time EVERY DAY!
Peanut is a handful again or maybe it's still. I'm not sure he ever stopped. Lately he has become quite adamant. He has no idea about what exactly, but whatever it is he latches onto, he is adamant. For example, he won't call the evening meal 'dinner'. He says he doesn't want dinner, he wants lunch. I think in his mind he wants the type of food you eat at lunch. We typically have a sandwich for lunch and more of a hot meal for dinner. I would guess he wants the sandwich. Who knows?
Also lately he has been getting out of bed a lot more. The first time tonight he asked if I would help get 'Credible Hulk' out of his room. He is a Super Hero freak and sometimes they stay in his room. I guess the gang gets rowdy because occasionally he will ask me to kick someone out. I went in and told him to get out so Peanut could sleep. The next time was a problem with the blanket. He had taken it off the bed and wanted it tucked in.
There is a line of storms headed our way and I really want him asleep before they get here. Otherwise we'll have trouble keeping him in his room for that. Once he is sleeping he is like a log and does not wake up for anything.
SF had some horrible diaper rash. I called the doctor last Monday and go the nurse line. They made some suggestions and said to give it 5 days. By Thursday we couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't really getting any better and he was in some serious pain. It was awful. We took him to the doctor on Thursday afternoon. The doctor took one look and sent us for a special cream. It has medicine for yeast/bacteria and something else mixed with diaper cream. He was better the next morning. It cost $5. I couldn't believe the nurse would make me try other things and wait while my son was in agony when I could have spent $5 for the magic cure. We were glad we didn't wait any longer and I'm guessing so was SF. When your delicate bits are on fire no one is happy.
Peanut is a handful again or maybe it's still. I'm not sure he ever stopped. Lately he has become quite adamant. He has no idea about what exactly, but whatever it is he latches onto, he is adamant. For example, he won't call the evening meal 'dinner'. He says he doesn't want dinner, he wants lunch. I think in his mind he wants the type of food you eat at lunch. We typically have a sandwich for lunch and more of a hot meal for dinner. I would guess he wants the sandwich. Who knows?
Also lately he has been getting out of bed a lot more. The first time tonight he asked if I would help get 'Credible Hulk' out of his room. He is a Super Hero freak and sometimes they stay in his room. I guess the gang gets rowdy because occasionally he will ask me to kick someone out. I went in and told him to get out so Peanut could sleep. The next time was a problem with the blanket. He had taken it off the bed and wanted it tucked in.
There is a line of storms headed our way and I really want him asleep before they get here. Otherwise we'll have trouble keeping him in his room for that. Once he is sleeping he is like a log and does not wake up for anything.
SF had some horrible diaper rash. I called the doctor last Monday and go the nurse line. They made some suggestions and said to give it 5 days. By Thursday we couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't really getting any better and he was in some serious pain. It was awful. We took him to the doctor on Thursday afternoon. The doctor took one look and sent us for a special cream. It has medicine for yeast/bacteria and something else mixed with diaper cream. He was better the next morning. It cost $5. I couldn't believe the nurse would make me try other things and wait while my son was in agony when I could have spent $5 for the magic cure. We were glad we didn't wait any longer and I'm guessing so was SF. When your delicate bits are on fire no one is happy.
Saturday, March 07, 2009
Hair Yesterday Gone Today
I got a haircut. I've been hating my blah mom hair for a while. It was long, plain and often in a ponytail or bun. Today I decided I have had enough. I called the beauty shop and asked for someone good. They suggested B. OK. I went in and you know the first thing they say is "what are we doing today"? My response was that we needed to talk. I love the length, but it's getting tedious to wash, comb, dry and style. It's blah. I'm willing to make a change and want something easy to fix and cute. Though I was willing to go shorter I think this is a good start. She cut about 7 inches off. I'm having some trouble getting used to it. There is enough for a short ponytail and now I have bangs. I haven't had bangs in many years. They are long and sweep to the side.
So far I love it. Husband says it looks good. Peanut said it looked funny, but enjoyed running his fingers through it. SF still just yanks on it, but at 9 months I expect that. I really hope to start fixing it more often. My attitude is so much better when I am fixed up a bit. Perhaps I shall start getting up earlier to get ready for 'work'.
Also, I toured a gym and got a free week pass. This one has child watch for $2 per day but I'm not sure how involved they will get. The community center has the same thing, but they won't do anything with the child except make sure they don't die. Seriously, they call you to feed, change, pick up or console your child. I'm not a hard core workout person, but I don't want to get paged every 5 minutes. This new place seems to do everything, but the guy wasn't sure they would change a diaper. Give me a break. I'm thinking the odds of SF going two hours without needing a new diaper is 70/30. Like maybe 30% chance he'll need one. I'll try the free week and see what happens. The price is reasonable if the childcare works out.
So far I love it. Husband says it looks good. Peanut said it looked funny, but enjoyed running his fingers through it. SF still just yanks on it, but at 9 months I expect that. I really hope to start fixing it more often. My attitude is so much better when I am fixed up a bit. Perhaps I shall start getting up earlier to get ready for 'work'.
Also, I toured a gym and got a free week pass. This one has child watch for $2 per day but I'm not sure how involved they will get. The community center has the same thing, but they won't do anything with the child except make sure they don't die. Seriously, they call you to feed, change, pick up or console your child. I'm not a hard core workout person, but I don't want to get paged every 5 minutes. This new place seems to do everything, but the guy wasn't sure they would change a diaper. Give me a break. I'm thinking the odds of SF going two hours without needing a new diaper is 70/30. Like maybe 30% chance he'll need one. I'll try the free week and see what happens. The price is reasonable if the childcare works out.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Thoughts are Like Ashes
They come out of nothing, are brilliant for a while, then die off and fall to the pile below.
No more day anything. I made it through day one and two and then stopped. I hurt my back two weeks ago and have not been able to do much of anything until now. Hopefully, I can start day one again soon.
I watched my son ride his little bike today. He is growing and I can't seem to stop it. I was filled with a sense of wonder as his little legs pumped up and down. Soon he will ride without training wheels. Soon he will ride farther than our driveway. Soon he will ride away with friends. It is wonderful to watch him grow and learn.
Peanut doesn't need glasses. Yet. He is far-sighted as most children are at his age, but it seems to be a moderate case. After a full exam it is determined to leave it be. He will be re-checked in six months to make sure nothing changes. Poor kid. He already has hearing aides, we don't want to saddle him with glasses too.
I tried to think of something to give up for Lent. I think I'll go with caffeine. I don't have much, but if I can kick it for 40 days then all the better. Of course I messed up already not realizing you are to start at midnight on Fat Tuesday. I shall start now.
No more day anything. I made it through day one and two and then stopped. I hurt my back two weeks ago and have not been able to do much of anything until now. Hopefully, I can start day one again soon.
I watched my son ride his little bike today. He is growing and I can't seem to stop it. I was filled with a sense of wonder as his little legs pumped up and down. Soon he will ride without training wheels. Soon he will ride farther than our driveway. Soon he will ride away with friends. It is wonderful to watch him grow and learn.
Peanut doesn't need glasses. Yet. He is far-sighted as most children are at his age, but it seems to be a moderate case. After a full exam it is determined to leave it be. He will be re-checked in six months to make sure nothing changes. Poor kid. He already has hearing aides, we don't want to saddle him with glasses too.
I tried to think of something to give up for Lent. I think I'll go with caffeine. I don't have much, but if I can kick it for 40 days then all the better. Of course I messed up already not realizing you are to start at midnight on Fat Tuesday. I shall start now.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Day Two
So it's been almost a week. That's the crazy week we had. I could not find time to exercise until this morning. The workout was good but not great. I need to put more into it. When I'm alone it's too easy to cop out and go at half speed/effort. Hopefully if I can do it more than twice a week I'll get a little stronger and better push myself.
We have a babysitter for the afternoon tomorrow. I think we're heading to a movie and early dinner. I really don't care much for Valentines Day. There is too much pressure to be romantic. You can't force it. My husband does very nice things for me during the whole year. Granted it's not often and he could use a little help in the romantic ideas dept., but overall he does a fine job. Why put this pressure on both of us? Should he get me something? What should he get? How much should he spend? I say don't worry about it. It's another day of the year. He brought me home lovely flowers and that was wonderful. Right now he and the boys are making me something. That is what I love. I love getting things that are from the kids that I can cherish forever.
I'm tired.
We have a babysitter for the afternoon tomorrow. I think we're heading to a movie and early dinner. I really don't care much for Valentines Day. There is too much pressure to be romantic. You can't force it. My husband does very nice things for me during the whole year. Granted it's not often and he could use a little help in the romantic ideas dept., but overall he does a fine job. Why put this pressure on both of us? Should he get me something? What should he get? How much should he spend? I say don't worry about it. It's another day of the year. He brought me home lovely flowers and that was wonderful. Right now he and the boys are making me something. That is what I love. I love getting things that are from the kids that I can cherish forever.
I'm tired.
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Day One Level One
Ugh. I've been sick all week and today is my official mommy day off. Husband took the boys out for their activities and I have the house to myself for another hour or two. So far I've done nothing exciting, but it's been nice to do what I want instead of what I have to do.
So...I exercised. Gah! I forgot how tough this video is. Hopefully I can start doing it more regularly and it will get easier as the flab melts away. I did learn one very important lesson. I need a new sport bra. Seriously, I still have mommy boobs and they are not excited about jumping jacks.
After a shower I'm off to shop and generally enjoy my day out.
So...I exercised. Gah! I forgot how tough this video is. Hopefully I can start doing it more regularly and it will get easier as the flab melts away. I did learn one very important lesson. I need a new sport bra. Seriously, I still have mommy boobs and they are not excited about jumping jacks.
After a shower I'm off to shop and generally enjoy my day out.
Monday, February 02, 2009
Sunday School
We go to church pretty regularly and both kids go to a classroom to spend time with other kids and learn something in a more age appropriate manner. SF is only 8 months so he either chews on toys or sleeps through the whole thing. Peanut is 3 so he goes to a preschool class for 3 yr olds. Most of the time they just play, but sometimes there is a movie or singing or a story.
About a week ago Peanut was on the couch playing his Leap Pad and he looked up at me and said " We lie about Jesus". What? Yes, he said we lie about Jesus. I asked if he meant we rely on Jesus and he replied "No. We lie about Jesus. That's how it works mom". It was cute and funny, but now that I type it out it's sad. There are so many people that this is true for. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a Bible thumper or anything, but I enjoy going and hearing a message. I like learning how I can be a better person and help those around me. Do we pray together at home? No. Do we talk about God or Jesus? No. Not usually unless Peanut asks. But I am thankful for all I have.
After church Sunday we asked Peanut what he did in class. He said they played hide and seek. Later that night when I put him to bed I asked if anyone talked to him about God or Jesus. He said yes someone talked about God. Then he told me "God got lost". It's OK, he said he got found later. Again cute and funny, but true for so many people.
About a week ago Peanut was on the couch playing his Leap Pad and he looked up at me and said " We lie about Jesus". What? Yes, he said we lie about Jesus. I asked if he meant we rely on Jesus and he replied "No. We lie about Jesus. That's how it works mom". It was cute and funny, but now that I type it out it's sad. There are so many people that this is true for. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a Bible thumper or anything, but I enjoy going and hearing a message. I like learning how I can be a better person and help those around me. Do we pray together at home? No. Do we talk about God or Jesus? No. Not usually unless Peanut asks. But I am thankful for all I have.
After church Sunday we asked Peanut what he did in class. He said they played hide and seek. Later that night when I put him to bed I asked if anyone talked to him about God or Jesus. He said yes someone talked about God. Then he told me "God got lost". It's OK, he said he got found later. Again cute and funny, but true for so many people.
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