Snuggle Bunny

When oldest was a baby he used to sleep on us all the time. If ever he was tired all you had to do was lay him on your chest and bam, asleep. When he doesn't feel well he wants to snuggle. Just before he goes to sleep at night he wants to snuggle.

We've had trouble getting him to rest in the afternoons. I know, a four year old that doesn't nap? What's that about? Anyway, he is tired. He wills himself to stay up late and get up early. He is grumpy all day long.

Today he is resting on top of his father. They are both tired from being up at 4:30 am and off and on from then. So they are resting together. It's either brilliant or a terrible idea. One of two things will happen. They will both sleep or at least rest and mission accomplished. OR...oldest will wiggle, squirm and chatter until husband is driven nuts and starts yelling. It is too early to tell. Right now they look cute snuggled in bed together.

Little Stuff

I am worn out.

Just took a nice nap.

Family is outside. I'm not quite ready to reunite with them. It is nice to have some peaceful time in the middle of a storm. The kids have been touchy lately. I think they are not sleeping enough. How do we get them more?

I need a job. Do you know of one? Nothing too fancy, but some income would be lovely. I have applied many places. Hearing 'no' a lot. Not even a "sorry, but no" or "no thank you". Just 'no'. I have hope though. Something will come.

I am nervous about something. Excited, but nervous. I can't talk about it just yet. Things seem to be coming together, but who knows until the minute it happens.

Sorry, this is kind of a weak post. I don't have much to say as I am in wait and see mode.

Woof

Meet the children. At least, they were the children before we had the human kind. If you can't tell their size from the picture the one on the left is about 55 lbs and the one on the right is about 70lbs. They are inside dogs and always have been. They spend most of the day outside, but sleep inside. In the old house, before kids, they were allowed all over the house. At night they slept on doggie beds in our bedroom. Once in a while in winter they got to sleep on the bed with us. This never lasted too long as we ran out of room or got tired of a paw in our back. In this house they stay downstairs. They still have the doggie beds, but no more snuggling on the bed. Occasionally when we go downstairs to watch a movie they come lay on the couch by us. They are still good dogs, just not "the children" anymore.

Things I Want to Do

Go to Italy.
Remodel my bathroom.
Lose 10 pounds.
Replace all the carpeting.
Build a new deck.
Go snow skiing.
Take my boys to all 50 states.
Vacation with my husband - and not the kids.
Buy all new Christmas decorations.
Get a new computer.
Go to Hawaii.
Landscape.
Not kill the plants.
Teach the boys to swim.
Go to the bathroom alone.
Grow my hair (why do I always cut it so short?)
Get a job.
Go on another cruise.
Buy all new clothes.
Teach my boys about faith.
Donate $10,000.
Take a week long nap.
Finish all my creative projects.

Out of The Mouth

Child: What was your bad day?
Adult: Some folks were mean today.
C: Someone was mean to you?
A: Not mean to me, but folks were mean to each other.

C: Did they steal your milk?

Through the eyes of a child. All things are boiled down to the simplest ideas. Someone was mean - that's not nice.

O and Her Big Mouth

So the other day I was watching television (original I know) and saw Oprah. Patrick Swayze's wife was on talking about her life with Patrick. She seemed way too OK talking about all sorts of personal things. I started to tear up a bit when she was talking about his last days and watching him die. I am sure they expected this from the day they got the diagnosis, but still, after 34 years you don't even tear up?

So anyway, O keeps asking her questions, but never lets her answer much.

Oprah: "So, tell us what his last days were like"
Patrick Swayze's non-crying Wife: "He was OK"
O: "Was he in pain?"
PSncW: "Not really-
O: "Because I would think the end would be hard, very painful"
PSncW: "He had the drugs to -
O: "Did you talk with him about dying, God and all that other scary stuff"
PSncW: "The drugs knocked him out"
O: "Did you feel him leave this World"
PSncW: "I've felt animals leave when they died -
O: "You were so close I wonder if he felt he could leave you"
PSncW: "
O: "blah blah blah...I want to talk"

Every interview goes like this. She asks a question and then right as the person is ready to answer she interjects with what she thinks. Shut up already. I get you want to seem empathetic. It's annoying. Ask the question, then shut it.

Not that I watch that often, but it is a bit taxing.

All Saints Day

Sometimes you need a reality check. All Saints Day. So many people have done and are doing great things. Would you have the courage to hide and free slaves? Would you be stoned to death for the sins of others? What about in today's world? Could you stand up to a corporation that was breaking the law? Could you stand up for someone different from you?

I like to think I am open to everyone and I do not have a prejudice, but that is not true on every level. Sure I think women and men, white and black are all equal, but what about a convict that has served his/her sentence? Would I trust them? I hear you. It depends on the crime, blah, blah.

Anyway, could you do the right thing even if it is hard? I admire the ones that have and still do.

Boo

The boys had a great time last night. SF was Tigger and was so cute. His bright orange outfit was easy to see even in the dark. He loved carrying his pumpkin bucket and got upset if you tried to help carry. He did great and even managed to say thank you a few times. P was Optimus Prime and had a ball. He kept announcing the number of candies he had in his bag. "I have Five-ty eight" "I got one hundred eighty-none twenty-four". He was tired at the end. After our friends left I put him to bed. I am pretty sure he was asleep before I left the room.

Now we have tons of candy and mommy and daddy let them only have a couple pieces a day. It might last until next year. Oh well.

Who Knew?

I asked for help. Finally I got tired of how things are and I asked a friend to point me in the right direction. She met with me and we talked and she pointed out a few things. At first I did not believe it. After thinking about it, though, it is all true. Seeing it now I think I can change it. I just hope it does not take years, but it will take time.

Who knew I was so messed up? I just thought it was everyone else. What is wrong with all of them? Now, I know it was me and they were never going to measure up to my ridiculous standards. They are not the problem. I am. Now I can get to work making some changes.

I Hope

Hearing of someone else having a much worse time than you really puts things in perspective. I have been sort of wallowing in my life lately and today I got a new view. There were several people that had very serious things happening in their lives. They are not just getting tired of doing laundry, tired of doing the dishes or tired of vacuuming. They are worried about loved ones dying, children living too short lives, friends turning their backs. It just does not compare. Sure, my troubles are mine, and to me, maybe they are worth getting a little grumpy over. There are so many more things that could be wrong. I am thankful so much is right.

A good friend of mine has been down for a while. Today she was kicked while she was down. I won't share her story here, but I hope to share it in real life. I hope to be there to hold her hand if she needs. I hope to take her a nice meal to keep up her strength. I hope to hear the good news that things have turned around.

I believe things are the way they are for a reason. There is something learn or know or experience. There are several situations that I hope have been taught, shown or lived and things can turn around and move to a positive light. The time will come and I hope it's soon.

Summer of '09

This is a summer of firsts for Peanut. He got to have S'mores at a friends house. He got to watch and help do some fireworks and something else I can't remember right now. He has really been having fun.

The fireworks have been the newest thing since the 4th was just yesterday. Thursday some of the neighbor kids were shooting some off and we walked to the end of the block to watch. One of the dads let him have a sparkler. He wasn't sure what to do at first, but his friend A was there and showed him how. A is five so he knows how a sparkler is done. Anyway, it was cute watching him with the older boys. He, at 3 1/2 is the youngest of the bunch. I would guess most of them are between 7 and 10. They are all very nice to him. They talk to him and help him out with things. It's wonderful. They don't treat him like a little kid. Maybe his size has something to do with it, but I'm glad they seem to accept him.

Friday we had some friends over for dinner and Peanut got to see a few more fireworks at our house. He and J did several boxes of those little snappers and sparklers. Husband and his buddy J shot of some simple things. It was a nice evening, especially since I got to hold baby S for a while. He's just one month old. So cute! Saturday we went to see more friends and Peanut got to play with his other friend A. They did really great. Usually they have a few squabbles, but last night they played for hours. I put Sweetface to bed and the adults got to play a game for a while. I hated to leave, but it was getting late.

All in all summer has been good to us so far. We've only been to the pool a couple times, but now that it's warmer we can go more often. It's hard to go by myself with the two kids, but if we go right when Husband gets home from work we have about an hour or so to play. That's plenty.

Edited: I remembered the other thing. He got to go to Coldstone to order his first ice cream. Chocolate Jello Pudding ice cream with Marshmallows. Yum!

I Think I am Doing it Wrong

I don't get the exercise high people talk about. I work out and sweat, but after it's over I just want to take a nap. Perhaps after I do it for a few days (weeks?) it will get better. Right now it feels like a lot of effort.

Our family has been trying to move to a healthier place. We eat out too much and eat meals made from a box too often. I've been buying fresh fruits and vegetables and once in a while we've been eating them. We have also switched to eating more Organic items. The downside is that you don't see instant results. This will really have more of a long-term affect on us. That's OK. The kids are young and have long lives to live. I would rather they be long healthy lives.

Posting has been pretty light. I have not had much to say and still don't really. I am trying to find my place right now. Both kids go to daycare a couple days a week so I have some time for me. I've been worn out and resting mostly, but trying to start some projects. My energy level has been pretty low.

The Memories are Sweet

Tomorrow. One year ago almost to the minute I was preparing for my last good nights sleep. Husband was home from class and we were discussing the pros and cons of not going to the hospital the night before the induction. He said we could sleep good for one more night. It was close to 11 pm and finally we brushed teeth and went to bed. Only an hour later I snapped out of my dream saying "uh oh" and then saying it again a minute later as I was finally wide awake. My water broke. I grabbed a towel off the floor and ran to the bathroom.

I remember it like it was last night. I remember being excited and so calm. I remember waiting to find out if it was a girl or not. Then, finally, I had my baby. He looked just like Peanut. I was instantly in love. He was perfect. He nursed great, he snuggled and slept. The love was instant. They placed him on my chest and he was full in my heart already. He still is. He really is my Sweetface. He goes everywhere with me and is usually good natured about the whole thing. When he puts his head on my shoulder I'm not sure how I can contain this much love. My eyes well up with tears, the love is literally pouring out of me.

There will be a party tomorrow in celebration of my little boy turning one. He has earned every minute of it. He has five teeth and took his first steps four days before his birthday. He sleeps through the night, takes two naps during the day and eats like a champ (mostly). He wears 12 month clothes but sometimes needs 18 month. He is not nearly as tall as Peanut was, but weighs nearly the same. His eyes are blue and his hair is reddish blond and way too long. I love this boy with every pulse I have, with every breath I take. He is the most precious gift I have ever received and I am thankful for him every day.

Family is arriving and will stay through the weekend. Friends are coming tomorrow. So many people to come celebrate one of my two blessings. I am lucky. The cakes are made, the gifts are wrapped. I will frost/decorate cakes, vegetables will be chopped and punch will be made in the morning. After lunch the balloons will be strung up. I've given my worry to one that can handle it. His hands are bigger. I will only enjoy the memories of that day one year ago.

The Weeds are Growing Too

My baby will be one on Saturday. Suddenly he's much more interested in walking. At church on Sunday he took off like a mad man. Being held was torture for him. He still can't walk, but he went for all he was worth holding on to a mommy or daddy finger. He would plop down to crawl, but neither of us wanted him to get trampled in the lobby.

He is starting to eat better too. In general he is still pretty picky, but he seems willing to try more things. Or maybe I'm just offering him more things I think he will like. Either way I try to get a balanced diet in him. Fruit, vegetable, dairy and some meat. He loves bread, but gets more than he needs.

Peanut is testing us daily. He is an expert at pushing at the rules just enough that we bend a tiny bit without breaking the rule. But after a couple weeks we realize the rule has long been broken. We snap back to attention and Peanut hates it for a while before he starts pushing again. He was in top form today. Yesterday he was sick and got to have a Sprite to settle his tummy. Today he thought he would get another one even though he was feeling fine. I explained he got one special because he was sick. A few hours later he told this long story about birds and they get in your tummy and you go to the doctor and he tells you that you are sick and you get to go home and have a Sprite. It was a cute story.

I'm pudgy. I look 6 months pregnant. For real. I'm waiting for someone to ask when I'm due. Now that I'm done nursing and the baby is almost one I think it's time to own the extra weight that is still hanging around. It's not going to melt off from nursing or any other activity. Somehow I need to get some exercise in my life. Playing volleyball is great, but it's only once a week. There is a SAHM running group nearby, but they run on the nights I can't. I could join a gym, but most have less than fabulous daycares. I don't want to be paged in the middle of working out to come change a diaper. Surely there is a childcare center in a gym that will change a diaper if need be. Oh well. I could start at home for free, but I have zero motivation. I just know my clothes don't fit and swimsuit season is fast approaching.

Will You be My Friend?

Can I just say?...Facebook kind of freaks me out. On the one hand it's nice to connect with people and learn more about them. I'm comfortable looking at pictures and reading insights of people I know at this moment in life. These are people I talk to and could hang out with.

It is the people that I have not seen or heard from in over 15 years that sort of takes my breath away. High school was not a fabulous place for me. I was mostly an average person. My school was small and I knew everyone, but was only good friends (or so I thought) with a few of them. After graduation I left for college and never looked back. No one else looked for me. For the most part I just faded away and allowed everyone else to fade as well. Ten years after graduation I got an email letting me know I missed my 10 year reunion. That is OK. I probably would not have gone anyway. A few friends caught me up on their lives and then we promptly lost touch again.

So now 5 years later I joined FB. I found several classmates. Some of them even sent me messages asking how my life is/has been. It feels very odd and somewhat forced to share my life with someone that let me fade away those many years ago. Is it a grudge? They forgot me then so they cannot know me now? My open mind and heart tell me to swallow the hurt and allow them in. The tough part comes after sharing. I posted very little and shared only enough to give a general snapshot of life today. Married with two kids living in xyz. I am finding they start off excited to see me and catch up, then they go back to what they were doing and I fade away again. I am also finding it is painful to again lose touch.

This quick catch up is fine for some folks. Really I am just curious where they are and what happened in their lives. I do not really want a relationship. FB works well for this. I saw a video of FB that really summed it up for me. It is a great tool and yet odd.

Smell the Happieness

Well, Spring has sprung and I'm feeling much better. We are all still having good and bad times, but now that the sky is blue and the grass and trees are green again I am happier. So I just read my last post...Anyone ready for something lighter and happier? Me too. It's wonderful to be able to go outside and not freeze to death. Everything seems happier. Birds are chirping and flowers are starting to peek up. I must really have SAD bad.

*

Some lady was going door to door selling paintings. It was a bit unusual, but they were rather good. I'm not sure if she actually painted anything or just put her name on something, but the pictures were beautiful. I would have bought more if they weren't so pricey. She came down $30 and then I boldly offered her another $20 off. She sort of sighed and bit her lip. She had been out all day and didn't seem to have sold anything. I figured if she was desperate she would take it. She did. I'm the owner of two lovely abstract oil paintings. I really like them and will get them hung up in the next few weeks.

I felt kind of gutsy asking for a deal. I'm not that type of person at all. Usually I just go with whatever is on the table. I don't know what made this moment different. Oh well. In my eyes we both won. She got some cash and I got a couple paintings.






*Peanut and Husband are getting ready for bath and once Peanut takes his clothes off he runs around the house naked for a bit. They are upstairs getting ready for bath and I'm downstairs. A little streaker just ran in and out of here in a flash. Makes me giggle.

Put a Fork in Me - I am Done

When I say I’m done…

I mean I am tired of being me. I’m at the end of my rope and asking for help. I cannot deal with the kid(s) any more. I want to walk out the door and not come back.

I do pretty well for a while but it’s all building inside. Every time I have to repeat myself, to start counting to 3 or taking a toy away it builds more. Every time I have to tell them to stop, to listen, to pay attention it builds. Every time I have to clean something spilled, put things away they should not have or re-direct them to something else it builds. Then I reach a point where I’m done. I struggle to care.

I’m done. I don’t want to play, to listen to them, to talk to them. I don’t want to be around them. I’m done trying to stay calm, to understand, cleaning things up and thinking of what to do next. I’m done being the nose wiper, the butt wiper the face washer and the hand washer.

I start to think they are better off with someone at a daycare or a nanny. Surely some one doing this as a chosen job is better at it than I am. Someone else can feed them, clean them and tell them the same thing 1000 times before 8am.

I don’t get much of a break. My job is a full time job. The ‘mom’ never turns off. I know you are also the ‘dad’ full time and that does not turn off either. If you get stressed at work you have the luxury of going to the gym for a while or taking off early or getting a drink. When I get stressed I have to make lunch, change diapers, clean up, try to give naps (and not get upset when they don’t) and all the things that stressed me out in the first place. Sure I can go to a gym too, but I have to take the kids with me to the daycare. I can drop them off for 2 hours, knowing they are waiting there for me at the end of it.

This is about me, but I know you have stress too. School and work not to mention the crazy lady at home. All that adds to my stress because I don’t want to bother you. I know you can’t very well leave work whenever I have a bad day.

So what do I do? I thought playing volleyball and having Wednesday night was enough to keep me re-grouped, but there are things in relations to those that stress me out. I still watch them all day, plan meals and whatever. Then occasionally my time off gets overrun by something else. I get pushed aside for another day. I go along with it assuming I will get my time or what else is needed is more important.

So when I’m done – I’m losing my grip. I’m angry, upset, sad and ready to quit. I’m not sure what I want to hear. Maybe something only for me. Something that shows someone else is paying attentions and cares. I’d like a friend. Someone to invite me out. Someone to swap kids with . Someone I can call. Someone I felt close to. Do not suggest I know this person. If I did I would not be writing this – I’d be on the phone with them.

Tonight

Life with kids. It really does change every aspect of your life. I used to stay up late, sleep in and be lazy. Now I stay up later than I should, sleep in as late as I can and while I'm still a bit lazy I have to get moving for the kids. Of course I also had a job to dress for and get to on time. My mom job lets me wear pajamas if I want, though I have to be on time EVERY DAY!

Peanut is a handful again or maybe it's still. I'm not sure he ever stopped. Lately he has become quite adamant. He has no idea about what exactly, but whatever it is he latches onto, he is adamant. For example, he won't call the evening meal 'dinner'. He says he doesn't want dinner, he wants lunch. I think in his mind he wants the type of food you eat at lunch. We typically have a sandwich for lunch and more of a hot meal for dinner. I would guess he wants the sandwich. Who knows?

Also lately he has been getting out of bed a lot more. The first time tonight he asked if I would help get 'Credible Hulk' out of his room. He is a Super Hero freak and sometimes they stay in his room. I guess the gang gets rowdy because occasionally he will ask me to kick someone out. I went in and told him to get out so Peanut could sleep. The next time was a problem with the blanket. He had taken it off the bed and wanted it tucked in.

There is a line of storms headed our way and I really want him asleep before they get here. Otherwise we'll have trouble keeping him in his room for that. Once he is sleeping he is like a log and does not wake up for anything.

SF had some horrible diaper rash. I called the doctor last Monday and go the nurse line. They made some suggestions and said to give it 5 days. By Thursday we couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't really getting any better and he was in some serious pain. It was awful. We took him to the doctor on Thursday afternoon. The doctor took one look and sent us for a special cream. It has medicine for yeast/bacteria and something else mixed with diaper cream. He was better the next morning. It cost $5. I couldn't believe the nurse would make me try other things and wait while my son was in agony when I could have spent $5 for the magic cure. We were glad we didn't wait any longer and I'm guessing so was SF. When your delicate bits are on fire no one is happy.

Hair Yesterday Gone Today

I got a haircut. I've been hating my blah mom hair for a while. It was long, plain and often in a ponytail or bun. Today I decided I have had enough. I called the beauty shop and asked for someone good. They suggested B. OK. I went in and you know the first thing they say is "what are we doing today"? My response was that we needed to talk. I love the length, but it's getting tedious to wash, comb, dry and style. It's blah. I'm willing to make a change and want something easy to fix and cute. Though I was willing to go shorter I think this is a good start. She cut about 7 inches off. I'm having some trouble getting used to it. There is enough for a short ponytail and now I have bangs. I haven't had bangs in many years. They are long and sweep to the side.

So far I love it. Husband says it looks good. Peanut said it looked funny, but enjoyed running his fingers through it. SF still just yanks on it, but at 9 months I expect that. I really hope to start fixing it more often. My attitude is so much better when I am fixed up a bit. Perhaps I shall start getting up earlier to get ready for 'work'.

Also, I toured a gym and got a free week pass. This one has child watch for $2 per day but I'm not sure how involved they will get. The community center has the same thing, but they won't do anything with the child except make sure they don't die. Seriously, they call you to feed, change, pick up or console your child. I'm not a hard core workout person, but I don't want to get paged every 5 minutes. This new place seems to do everything, but the guy wasn't sure they would change a diaper. Give me a break. I'm thinking the odds of SF going two hours without needing a new diaper is 70/30. Like maybe 30% chance he'll need one. I'll try the free week and see what happens. The price is reasonable if the childcare works out.

Thoughts are Like Ashes

They come out of nothing, are brilliant for a while, then die off and fall to the pile below.

No more day anything. I made it through day one and two and then stopped. I hurt my back two weeks ago and have not been able to do much of anything until now. Hopefully, I can start day one again soon.

I watched my son ride his little bike today. He is growing and I can't seem to stop it. I was filled with a sense of wonder as his little legs pumped up and down. Soon he will ride without training wheels. Soon he will ride farther than our driveway. Soon he will ride away with friends. It is wonderful to watch him grow and learn.

Peanut doesn't need glasses. Yet. He is far-sighted as most children are at his age, but it seems to be a moderate case. After a full exam it is determined to leave it be. He will be re-checked in six months to make sure nothing changes. Poor kid. He already has hearing aides, we don't want to saddle him with glasses too.

I tried to think of something to give up for Lent. I think I'll go with caffeine. I don't have much, but if I can kick it for 40 days then all the better. Of course I messed up already not realizing you are to start at midnight on Fat Tuesday. I shall start now.

Day Two

So it's been almost a week. That's the crazy week we had. I could not find time to exercise until this morning. The workout was good but not great. I need to put more into it. When I'm alone it's too easy to cop out and go at half speed/effort. Hopefully if I can do it more than twice a week I'll get a little stronger and better push myself.

We have a babysitter for the afternoon tomorrow. I think we're heading to a movie and early dinner. I really don't care much for Valentines Day. There is too much pressure to be romantic. You can't force it. My husband does very nice things for me during the whole year. Granted it's not often and he could use a little help in the romantic ideas dept., but overall he does a fine job. Why put this pressure on both of us? Should he get me something? What should he get? How much should he spend? I say don't worry about it. It's another day of the year. He brought me home lovely flowers and that was wonderful. Right now he and the boys are making me something. That is what I love. I love getting things that are from the kids that I can cherish forever.

I'm tired.

Day One Level One

Ugh. I've been sick all week and today is my official mommy day off. Husband took the boys out for their activities and I have the house to myself for another hour or two. So far I've done nothing exciting, but it's been nice to do what I want instead of what I have to do.

So...I exercised. Gah! I forgot how tough this video is. Hopefully I can start doing it more regularly and it will get easier as the flab melts away. I did learn one very important lesson. I need a new sport bra. Seriously, I still have mommy boobs and they are not excited about jumping jacks.

After a shower I'm off to shop and generally enjoy my day out.

Sunday School

We go to church pretty regularly and both kids go to a classroom to spend time with other kids and learn something in a more age appropriate manner. SF is only 8 months so he either chews on toys or sleeps through the whole thing. Peanut is 3 so he goes to a preschool class for 3 yr olds. Most of the time they just play, but sometimes there is a movie or singing or a story.

About a week ago Peanut was on the couch playing his Leap Pad and he looked up at me and said " We lie about Jesus". What? Yes, he said we lie about Jesus. I asked if he meant we rely on Jesus and he replied "No. We lie about Jesus. That's how it works mom". It was cute and funny, but now that I type it out it's sad. There are so many people that this is true for. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a Bible thumper or anything, but I enjoy going and hearing a message. I like learning how I can be a better person and help those around me. Do we pray together at home? No. Do we talk about God or Jesus? No. Not usually unless Peanut asks. But I am thankful for all I have.

After church Sunday we asked Peanut what he did in class. He said they played hide and seek. Later that night when I put him to bed I asked if anyone talked to him about God or Jesus. He said yes someone talked about God. Then he told me "God got lost". It's OK, he said he got found later. Again cute and funny, but true for so many people.

Cold and Dark

I admitted to my study group that I am not functioning at 100%. It's odd to be so self aware that I can see what's wrong with me so clearly and yet not be willing to do anything about it. I know I'm tired, not eating well, worried about things and maybe even depressed. Even though I know these things I am not taking steps to fix them. That's not true. I made a doctor appointment for a physical. Perhaps she can convince me to do more.

The pessimist in me knows that she will suggest therapy since talking to someone can be helpful. The trouble is I've been to therapy several times with several different people and it's never worked to my advantage. I either have to convince them that there is something wrong or they latch on to something that it not wrong and try to fix it. One therapist had the bright realization that "you're just not happy". Oh really? It only took you three hours to figure that out? Brilliant!

I'm not against medication or therapy. It has it's place. In this case I know what's wrong and therefore what to do to fix it. It's the doing it that I can't seem to muster. The stress levels are rising. I'm maxed out and so is Husband. Work is getting more stressful for him and I feel guilty adding to it. Now is not the time to take a vacation with the uncertainty.

There are a bunch of little things bothering me and I'm trying to let them go, but as each one piles on it gets harder to let them go. The absolute worst thing happening is I'm getting tired of my kids. I'm getting irritated. I can't seem to just enjoy them and relax at all. As soon as I'm awake I start counting the hours until it's bedtime for them.

Maybe it's a little PPD. Can it be that after 8 months? I think so. I think some of the honeymoon from a newborn has worn off and now I'm a mother of two. On one hand I'm glad they are getting older and on the other I am obsessed with having another baby. In my heart I know it's not a good idea, but I keep dreaming of it.

Oh yeah and my feet are constantly cold.

Out of the Mouths

Super Heroes are big in our house. Several times a day we are assigned a Super to be. Peanut is usually Spiderman or Batman. Occasionally we get to choose, but usually he decides. Husband decided he was going to be Captain America the other day. This morning in the car Peanut asked me where he was.

Peanut: Where is my Daddy? Where is my friend, Captain America?

I have been trying to be Wonder Woman since she is a girl and so am I. Tonight Peanut asked me who I was.

Peanut: Mommy are you Wonder Warmer? Daddy said you were Wonder Warmer.

That's me. I can warm up anyone or anything. There are so many crazy things this kid says. We have decided he has no inner monologue. Where most of us think several million thoughts a day and only vocalize a small percentage of them. He says every thought he has. My sister asked if I thought he had thoughts that he didn't say. I don't think so. When would he have time? His motor-mouth goes non-stop. I love the little guy and he is pretty entertaining, but it's also tiring.

One new fascination he has is with soda, specifically Sprite. That is what I drink most often. The other day I had some and he asked for a drink so I put 1/2 a cup in his cup. He was drinking through a straw so I cautioned him the bubbles might go in his nose. Of course he didn't listen and the bubbles tickled him. This morning I had a soda in the car and he asked what it was. I told him it was a soda.

Peanut: I don't want the bubbles to blow my nose up.

Indeed. No one wants that. Noses would be lost all over the World. He is a semi-perfect parrot. Tonight at dinner he kept changing his mind over whether to eat his meal with a fork or spoon. I told him he could get whichever he wanted. He went into this conversation about can I have a spoon or fork? After asking over and over and over and over I said he could get whatever. He came back to the table with a large serving spoon.

Peanut: Mama, is this a spoon?
Me: Yes (thinking whether or not to explain big vs. little spoons)

I gave up and sighed thinking at least he was going to eat his dinner. I think I said that out loud because when he got back to his chair he said the following.

Peanut: Whatever.

We try not to laugh at the things he says because sometimes it really is inappropriate. Usually it's too funny not to bust up.

Husband: Crap!
Peanut: Crap. Is that a spider? Crap. Crap spider. Is Crap a spider Daddy?
Me: (Rolling eyes at Husband for teaching 3 yr old new word)

It's fun when he opens up in front of others too. We spent Christmas at my sisters house and because the rest of the family did too sleeping space was limited. I ended up sleeping in a bed with Peanut. He tossed and turned all night and I slept very little. Sometime around 5:30 am he started to wake up. I told him to go back to sleep. Daddy then got up (he was sleeping on the floor next to the bed) and talked to him a bit. That night in the van with two of my sisters, my mother and my sisters two kids and Peanut we were driving around looking at Christmas lights. I was telling the story of not sleeping well and how Peanut started to wake before 6.

Me: Then Husband woke up and started telling him to go back to sleep.
Peanut (while slamming fist into hand for emphasis): Daddy said stop your damn crying.

I'm not sure of the exact statement, but the d word was uttered. I didn't hear him and no one would say what he said. Suffice it to say it wasn't anything a 3 yr old should be saying. Oh well.

At dinner last night he was kind of messy and Husband gave him a napkin.

Husband: Wipe your forearms.
Peanut: I don't have four arms. Silly Daddy I only have two. One. Two. Not four.

I saw that one coming. Especially since way back when Peanut was trying to tell Husband something and he kept starting over and kids do.

Husband: Spit it out.
Peanut: Spittooey.

He looked down and spit. We were in the living room at the time. Kids take everything so literal. It really is great to listen to how he views the World. I just wish he could keep his view to himself once in a while. There are so many great things he says. It makes me a little sad when he starts saying things right. I know you want them to develop and speak clearly and properly, but there is something about that innocent, kid talk that I'll really miss.

Bonk

Driving home from daycare this evening I stopped behind several cars waiting for the first car to turn left. I don't remember exactly what we were doing. It seems like Peanut was telling me something about school. I was thinking about Oprah a little. Anyway, I heard a screeching noise and looked over my left shoulder wondering what was happening. Then we got hit. I guess the guy behind us was thinking about Oprah too? Doubtful, but he was not paying any attention.

There seems to be no damage and other than both kids started crying I think we are all fine. I got pretty amped up for a while and couldn't think straight. I took his name and number, but he conveniently didn't have his insurance card. I don't think I'll need it, but still. Before he left I gave him some friendly advice to get his stinking insurance card in his car.

Should I have called the police? Really there was no damage (at least that I could see in the dusk) and we probably won't do anything more. I'm guessing the cops would have maybe given him a ticket for driving without insurance? Or do they care? I thought it was a law to have insurance now. What would you have done?

I'm very thankful the kids seem OK. By nature I worry about everything and I'm quite paranoid that something may be lurking. It was minor and I think they are OK.

Little Boy Lost

Second Child Syndrome is a real thing. During my pregnancy I heard stories of how baby books were never filled out, if they were even bought. They told me how the second child gets lost in the bustle of activities for the first child. I knew you took far less photos and video of the second.
I didn't believe it. Actually, I did believe it, but I thought I could overcome it. If I just put my mind to it we would have plentiful pictures and video. The baby book would be purchased and filled out even better than the first. I would protect the nap time of the second child, venturing out only when necessary.

How am I doing? Not so good. SF has had life better and worse than Peanut. I knew what mistakes not to make, but I made some anyway. I knew what to look for and when not to panic, but I panicked anyway. I knew not to stress over every feeding, sometimes they eat and sometimes not, but I stressed anyway. I bought the baby book and filled in several pages, but then the baby came and it's not been opened.

There are two things I feel awful about regarding the second child. These are two things I can never fix. I cannot go back in time and change things. I'm trying very hard to not be upset about them. I have the child and he is wonderful. That really is enough for me. If our house were to be destroyed along with all our belongings I would rejoice that my family is safe. Pictures are pieces of paper, but my children are most precious.

The first thing is that I don't know the birth weight of SF. The scale said 9 lbs 13 oz when he was put on it. We had a picture of it. BUT. Twelve hours after his birth he only weighed 9 lbs 1 oz. The doctor and nurses didn't believe he lost that much in so little time. He nursed well and had no other medical problems. The next weight was only a couple ounces less so they think the 9#13 was wrong. So I don't know what his true birth weight was. I'll never know if he was more or less than Peanut. It doesn't matter, but it's a stat. everyone asks and I don't know the answer. My friend K said this "when it's 100 degrees out and someone says 'it's only 98' it's still really F&*$ing hot".

The second thing is that we seem to have lost all pictures of SF before July. Two months of his life are gone. The birth day. Peanut holding him for the first time. Seeing his naked little body on the scale. Looking at him wrapped up laying on his mommy for the first time. Pictures of all the family meeting him for the first time. It's all gone. I can't get it back, though Husband has been trying to find it. I remember every detail. I can see it very clearly. How do I share that with SF in two, six or fifteen years when he asks to see his baby pictures? Will he care? Will he feel like I love him less?

These two things give me a sense of failure. I am heartbroken that we didn't go to the lengths we did to protect everything for Peanut. He has over 1000 pictures and SF has maybe 100, but very few of just him.

My New Year's Resolution will be to constantly have a camera with me to capture the fabulous moments in my children's lives. Another will be to back up everything fanatically.

You May or May Not Know

I'm not sure who started this, but it looked entertaining.

Things you've already done: bold
Things you want to do: italicize
Things you haven't done and don't want to: leave in plain font

1. Started your own blog.

2. Slept under the stars.

3. Played in a band. I played in the school band.

4. Visited Hawaii.

5. Watched a meteor shower. I’m pretty sure I did this, but maybe not.

6. Given more than you can afford to charity. Never more than I can afford, but I do give quite a bit this time of year.

7. Been to Disneyland/world. Yes. Both I think.

8. Climbed a mountain. Not really, though when we went skiing one time we made this wrong turn and started going down some sort of triple black diamond and had to hike back up a bit to the turn so we could go down the easy green.

9. Held a praying mantis. No, thank you.

10. Sang a solo. The shower counts, right?

11. Bungee jumped. Absolutely not.

12. Visited Paris. Love to.

13. Watched a lightning storm at sea.

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch.

15. Adopted a child.

16. Had food poisoning.

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty.

18. Grown your own vegetables. I can’t grow anything.

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France.

20. Slept on an overnight train.

21. Had a pillow fight.

22. Hitch hiked.

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill.

24. Built a snow fort.

25. Held a lamb. Does a lamb chop count?

26. Gone skinny dipping.

27. Run a Marathon.

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice. I’ve ridden the one at that hotel in Vegas.

29. Seen a total eclipse. I always miss it.

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset.

31. Hit a home run. Does the Wii count?

32. Been on a cruise.

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person.

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors.

35. Seen an Amish community.

36. Taught yourself a new language.

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied.

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person.

39. Gone rock climbing.

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David.

41. Sung karaoke.

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt.

43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant.

44. Visited Africa.

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight.

46. Been transported in an ambulance.

47. Had your portrait painted.

48. Gone deep sea fishing.

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person.

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris. I went to the top of the one in Vegas and it made me sick. The real one is like 3 times as tall so I doubt you will ever get me up there.

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling.

52. Kissed in the rain.

53. Played in the mud.

54. Gone to a drive-in theater.

55. Been in a movie.

56. Visited the Great Wall of China.

57. Started a business.

58. Taken a martial arts class.

59. Visited Russia.

60. Served at a soup kitchen.

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies.

62. Gone whale watching.

63. Gotten flowers for no reason.

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma.

65. Gone sky diving.

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp.

67. Bounced a check.

68. Flown in a helicopter.

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy.

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial.

71. Eaten Caviar.

72. Pieced a quilt. Not a whole one, but I did ¼ of one.

73. Stood in Times Square.

74. Toured the Everglades.

75. Been fired from a job.

76. Seen the Changing of the Guard in London.

77. Broken a bone.

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle. How fast do you have to go for it to count as speeding?

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person.

80. Published a book.

81. Visited the Vatican.

82. Bought a brand new car.

83. Walked in Jerusalem.

84. Had your picture in the newspaper.

85. Read the entire Bible.

86. Visited the White House.

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating. I don’t think so, but thanks for asking.

88. Had chickenpox. Mom says yes, but dad says no. Mom can’t remember when my birthday is so I’m not sure I trust her account.

89. Saved someone’s life. I ran in and scooped up my nephew. He was bobbing along one of those lazy river things. Not sure his life was saved, but I felt like it could have been a bad situation otherwise.

90. Sat on a jury.

91. Met someone famous.

92. Joined a book club.

93. Lost a loved one.

94. Had a baby.

95. Seen the Alamo in person.

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake. I’ve been there, but I don’t think it was warm enough to swim. We might have dipped our toes.

97. Been involved in a law suit.

98. Owned a cell phone.

99. Been stung by a bee.

It's Ugly Here

There is a lot of anger living in our house. We all seem to have anger issues. Peanut is 3 so you can understand he has a million things wrong or at least thinks he does. Of course, 99% of that is easily fixed. Thumper (who will now be known as SweetFace or SF) is 6 months so there are a few things that anger him. Mostly he wants to eat and we can't get the food in his mouth fast enough. Or, like tonight, he backed himself under the coffee table and got stuck again. These are also easily fixes. No, it's the anger that Husband and I carry that is the issue.

We aren't connecting like we used to. I guess kids does that to a couple, but I'm not sure how to get over it. We spend so much time getting from one tantrum to the next until bedtime, that we are both wiped out. Then we spend the evening/night doing all the things that need to be done. Babysitters are hard to find (and afford) so we don't go out much. At one point we each had a night off to go out, alone. Even that has been reduced to a couple of hours. Husband goes to his study group one night and school another. I play volleyball and have a study group. Both of those last 2-3 hours. I don't think it's enough for either of us.

I'm tired of pretending it's OK when I hear yelling in the house. I'm tired of making Husband feel bad when I call him out on anger issues. Yes, I'm sure it makes him feel bad, but am I not supposed to step in? I'm tired of pretending it doesn't bother me just to keep the peace. Mostly, I'm tired.

I love being a mom and I have two great kids, but I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the all the time-ness that seems to have taken over. I haven't had a haircut in a salon in over a year. My sister cut it 6 months ago, but it needs professional help now. I haven't gone out to do it because I hate asking Husband to watch this kids. I know he has a rough time and gets angry. So instead I just stay home. Perhaps the hour or two for volleyball and the 2-3 hours for study group is enough to ask him to watch them. It's easier for Husband to go out. It seems like when he gets time off it's a lot of time. I hate to keep score, but when he goes out he doesn't have to take a child with him (though he usually does take Peanut when he can). I usually do have to take SF. Otherwise I have to be back every 3-4 hours to feed him or use the milk in the freezer thus confirming no babysitter since there would be no milk.

On top of all of this I think we lost the baby pictures of SF. I can't find anything earlier than two months. It's bad enough he has second child syndrome and there are hardly any pictures of him, but now we have nothing. It makes me sick to think of it.

So right now it's not pretty here. The stress is getting to me. I'm tired.

Merry Christmas

Relax..For a Moment Anyway

I got a massage today. While it wasn't the fancy spa experience I would have liked it to be, it was quite nice. The place is clean and comfortable, but no bells or whistles. My favorite place had foot soaks while you wait for your appointment and a steam shower when you are done. The first few times I went it was Heaven. Then it started getting sort of run down. The soaks were still nice, but the shower was usually either out of soap or hot water. The people there were getting extra snobby and it wasn't a great experience. The up side was that the gal I saw there did a fantastic massage. Once we moved I decided to find a new place.

While getting my massage I kept thinking of all the ways to improve my life. It's funny, while the toxins are being pushed out of my body I start thinking of what other toxic things need to go. I dream of eating more vegetables and exercising. I vow to do Yoga and get a massage every other month. I start dreaming of a calm and peaceful house in which my children rarely misbehave. Then the massage is over and I drink my glass of water and head home.

I've been trying to workout, but it's not happening. I can't seem to get more than a foot away from Thumper. I'd let him just cry through it, but I'm not sure I can make it through a 20 minute workout while he wails. I guess I might have to join some sort of gym that offers childcare. At least then I would know the kid(s) would be looked after while I get my workout in. I just hate to spend the money. My stomach is starting to gross me out though. I honestly believe that if I could just workout a few times a week I'd start to look and feel better. The main goal is to fit into my clothes again. I'd say I need to lose at least 10 lbs to do that. Actually, I just need to flatten the belly a bit. I don't care how much I lose if any. I just want my clothes back.

Anyone Here?

Wow. I guess it's been a while. There are many times throughout the day that I think about posting. Thinking doesn't seem to be making it happen though. There isn't much to tell right now.

Thumper didn't do so great at sleep training. Just in the last few days have we gotten him to sleep through the night. I think he just needed more time and possibly he was a bit sick and unable or unwilling to sleep alone. Naps are still a bear, but he has good days and bad ones. He does not seem to want a bed time routine. We get to his room and he just starts wailing. Usually I get frustrated and just put him in bed. After about 3 minutes of crying he is sound asleep. Maybe I'm missing the window of sleepiness and getting him in there when he is dead tired? I will work on that.

Peanut is fine. He's been sick off and on for a while. Nothing serious, but some days he is more sluggish and tired than others. Today he seems good. He's still in his pajamas. I don't care. What's the difference? We aren't going anywhere since the wind is gusting and it's snowing.

I've had a couple of nights out by myself and that was nice. I could use an all day adventure, but I'll take what I get. The everyday -ness is getting to me. Everyday I watch at least one boy and change and feed him (them). Husband helps out on weekends and I'm happy for that, but sometime I'd like a day off during the week.

Husband has suggested a visit to the spa. I would love to, but feel guilty about doing it myself. Somehow if someone else made the appointment and paid for it then it would feel like a gift and not me spending a ton of money on something extra. I tried to explain this but I don't think he understood. I could use a massage, my shoulders and back are killing me today. Probably because I had to pick Thumper up a ton yesterday.

I bought a Wii and Wii fit. I like it, but would like some new games. They are fun, but I get bored pretty quick. Anyone have suggestions? We rented Wii Music the other night. It's OK, but not as cool as I thought it would be. I guess because I know how to play music it's discouraging to just flop my arms around and call that 'playing' an instrument. I'd rather see the music and have it really teach me arm positions and things like that. The game could really be something fabulous. I haven't explored all of it yet and maybe it gets better, but so far I'm not impressed.

Miracles Really Do Happen

We started sleep training Thumper on Monday. Basically, we do a bedtime routine then put him in bed and leave. He has cried anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour. This crying hurts me more than anything. Knowing I could instantly stop it and don't is hard. Tonight I gave him a bath, put pajamas on, read two books and sang a short song. He seemed pretty wired, but I put him down and kissed his head goodnight. Not a peep has been heard (knock wood).

In other news we are babysitting my almost 7 year old nephew, S. His sister has an activity out of town and he would be totally bored there. My sister J asked if we'd watch him overnight and most of tomorrow. I agreed, but with zero excitement. It's not that he is any trouble, but I just don't know how to relate to him. Peanut LOVES to play with S, but he gets tired of him. Maybe it's just because he's kind of awkward. Long legs, skinny, losing teeth and kind of a dodo bird. He's like his father in that respect. Neither of them really ever think. I don't expect a 7 year old to be brilliant, but I do expect them to understand certain things. Only recently did he know the difference between a front and back door and which was located where. I hope I can relate to my own sons more when they are his age.

Husband offered to watch the kids so I could go to a spa tomorrow. I never sat down and decided where to go and what to do until last night and it was too late to make an appointment. I guess I'll wait a bit longer. It seems something always comes up. Perhaps I will go clothes shopping tomorrow. I need some jeans to wear. The one pair that fit me are starting to wear out from wearing them all the time. I need another pair to balance out. Looks like I might end up taking Thumper with me though. Depends on if I can squeeze out some milk or not. He shouldn't be much of a problem.

We're hosting dinner for a bunch of people on Sunday. We've been to their houses for dinner and it's sort of a nice thing to pay them back, but at the same time having so many people over stresses me out. I hate things getting out of place. My house is always a mess, but the chaos of so many people roaming around gets to me. Especially, when some of those people are under age 10. Wish me luck!

Copy Cat

KD did a meme so I'll do one too.

Let’s start with the rules:
Link to your tagger and list the rules
List 7 random facts about yourself
Tag 7 people
If you’re tagged, play along and pass it on!

Here’s my random seven:
Uno: I would love to go to a fat camp like the Biggest Loser. I'm not really overweight, but I want to learn about how to eat better and exercise while still being on 'mom' duty.

Dos: I sing all the time. I take an everyday task (changing a diaper) and put it to music. I wish sometimes it sounded better, but it's fun.

Tres: If money were not an issue I would have a massage once a week.

Cuatro: I go to church and I'm learning new things, but I still have trouble believing.

Cinco: I desperately need a new wardrobe, but won't buy any new clothes. I have a hard time spending money on me, but no problem spending on the kids or things for the house.

Seis: I always wanted to be a movie star.

Siete: I'd like to have more kids, but I probably won't.

Like a Weed

My babies are growing up and I can't stop it.

Peanut is enormous. Tomorrow he starts going to the 3-4 year old room. Good thing, he is a head taller than all the 2-3 year old room kids. I'm sad he'll leave his friends and teachers. I really like them. The grapevine tells me the new teachers are "really cool". I haven't seen much of them yet so the vote is still out. At his 3 year old check up he measured 41 inches tall and almost 39 lbs. He is still above the average lines on the charts. Oh well. To give you some perspective, his cousin who is only 3 days older weighs 27 lbs and is maybe a whole head and some shoulders shorter.

The little one is growing out of his name. He measures about 19 1/2 lbs and almost 29 inches. He's close to growing out of his car seat so we're looking at new ones. He can now roll over both ways and pushes way up when on his tummy. Once in a while he gets his legs crawling while on his tummy. The downside is that his head just gets mashed into the floor. I'm in no hurry for him to start crawling. Did I mention he is 5 months old? His clothes size is around 12 months, with the occasions 18 month item. He doesn't seem as long in the torso as Peanut, but makes up for it with leg length. Shirts seem to fit OK, but he is so round we need big sizes.

I don't have a baby blob anymore. Having a little one is so wonderful and I'm a bit sad he's growing up. He is most likely my last child and I can't seem to savor him enough.

Shallow

Politics aside, does anyone else get creeped out looking at John McCain? I'm just not sure I can look at him for the next four years. The teeth are creepy skeleton teeth and he has some sort of funny lisp. Both his hands work like the useless one Bob Dole has. When he smiles it seems like maybe I should turn around because there is a killer with a knife ready to get me.

Palin looks OK, but I'll always think Tina Fey got elected or maybe she should have.

I really don't know much about his politics, but as a person I'm a bit nervous to look at him.

Second Birthday Party

So last weekend was the birthday party with my family. The plan was relatively simple. We go to a park around 11 am to play, eat lunch and open gifts. Then we go across the parking lot to the indoor pool. Once everyone is done with that, they go home. This way my house doesn't have to get all messed up and I am much more relaxed with the (eight that can walk) kids being monkeys outside.

However, there were some problems. First the pool pass we were going to buy was not available so everyone was going to cost $2 more per person. Not a huge deal, but more complicated than with the pass. We worked around this. Second, my mother left me a voicemail the day before. Through her sobs she said she wasn't coming. I called my sister to get the story and through her sobs told me what happened. So I called my mom back and she was driving to my house. I won't go into the whole story, but for a few hours there was some serious drama. It all worked out, but it's not the way I would have liked. Third, one of the kids almost drowned. No really. He was alone and wandered to the lazy river and got swept away. He was bobbing along when Husband and I got to him and pulled him out. The lifeguard was just a few feet away not paying any attention to the three year old drowning in front of him. Once we got him out and gave him to his mother I yelled at him. I wish I would have told the manager. There is no excuse.

The boys had a great time and the adults enjoyed themselves too. I made a Spiderman cake that impressed the kids and made it all worth it. We were worn out and tired, but it was a total success.

Oh My!

So I feel pretty worthless right now. On Monday, Husband meets with his MBA group to study or whatever they need to get done. This makes the third week in a row that he has come home early to help. I can't seem to make it past about 6:00pm without intervention. One or both boys starts crying and I can't do jack to get them calmed down. Husband says he is on the way and things calm down.

I am no comfort to my own child. With Peanut all I had to do was pick him up and he was instantly calm. Holding him was all he needed. Even now that he is nearing 3 being held goes a long way with him. Thumper? Not so much. I hold. I sing. I rock, jiggle, sway, shush and a million other things. Unless he's hungry, it doesn't seem to be me he wants. That is not to say he wants Husband, but several times that has worked out OK for him.

Perhaps he has an ear infection or something else going on? When he nurses on my right side he seems less content. Maybe my right side tastes funny. I don't really know. The point is I don't seem to be able to relax him. Many a night he cries until he passes out from exhaustion. That is not the way I want him to learn to go to sleep.

This week I have no paint jobs or anything else planned. It is the week to get him sleep trained so he can put himself to sleep. All day I watched him and when he started to look a little sleepy I put him down. Poof. He would be asleep. Great. I didn't think he was trained and we were done with it, but then about 6 pm he started crying and would not be soothed. I gave him Tylenol and about 20 minutes later he nursed himself to sleep. Was is the Tylenol kicking in or the hour he fussed and cried that put him to sleep? Either way, it's not something I want to make a habit.

On one hand I'm happy Husband can get him to sleep, but on the other hand I want it to be me. So when Husband takes him from me and then puts him to sleep I'm jealous. The thing is, I've been having trouble with jealousy lately. A friend is newly pregnant and announced it after Peanuts birthday party. I wasn't really happy for her. I wasn't really sad either. Part of me is jealous that she gets to be pregnant and get the attention. She is the new cool thing right now. I'm a little sad it's not me. Especially since no one cared when I was pregnant. There is no sympathy for the second round. This is her second too, but because of who she is, I'm sure it will be a big deal.

Then last night I convinced her to play volleyball with me. She ended up hurting her ankle pretty bad. I felt really guilty. I didn't have anything to do with it, but felt at fault. After thinking about it I'm pretty sure I felt guilty because I was not happy for her pregnancy. It doesn't make sense, but that's how my moods/emotions are running these days. I feel quite damned if I do and damned if I don't. I'd like to paint, make money and get out of the house, but I feel guilty for hauling the baby out with me so much. My sister manages to make me feel guilty about not going, but yet tells me to take a day off.

I really need some time to myself, but feel guilty about it. Husband is supposed to have Monday and Thursday evenings for school. I play volleyball on Sunday and have a study group meeting on Wednesday. While I'm glad he watched the boys so I can attend both, it's not really a break. I get so busy for the hour I'm gone, that it isn't very relaxing. I'd love to spend some time at a spa or even home alone or out with a friend (if I had any that could go with me). I realize Husband spends the day working, not relaxing, but he still gets out of the house and away from the kids. I have at least one of them all the time. Of course I'm nursing so it's harder to get away.

First Birthday Party

Today we had the first birthday party for Peanut. He will be 3 next week. This party was for his and our friends. He picked a Batman theme so we had Batman plates, napkins and I make a Batman cake too. I'll try to post a picture later.

I've been under the weather so it was a little rough getting ready for today. We made it and had a good time. Then the kids got more wild and I started to feel nervous. There is something about all those people and rowdy kids that makes me uncomfortable. I went upstairs for a while and did OK until I started thinking of everything happening to my house while I was away. Luckily, folks started to leave not long afterwards.

Husband put Peanut to bed and the last thing he said was "I liked my party. I liked my Batman party, daddy". Sweet. He seemed to have a great time. He also got a few really cool toys too.

Next weekend is the family party. I'm not as excited about that one. My sister said she was flexible and basically left the planning to me. So I made a plan and then she acted like that wasn't going to be fun. Maybe I just caught her at a bad time, but she was pretty grumpy about it. Oh well. If the 3 other kids freaked me out tonight then what will it be like with 8 other kids here? Plus at least our friends do an OK job of watching their own kids. My sister just checks her mommy badge at the door. It's like because we're at my house she isn't responsible for them. It's like that wherever she goes. We joke that she is the 'tornado' family. When they come and go it's like a tornado. You feel run over. The house is a wreck afterwards too. My plan is to go to a park for lunch and open gifts then go to the indoor pool to swim for the rest of the day. No need to go to anyones house for anything. That way the wreckage is outside.

I'm wiped out. It's been a busy week. I've been painting and planning this party and trying to keep the house up and all sorts of things. There just aren't enough hours in the day for me to get it all done. I'm going to take next week off from painting to see if I can relax and catch up on laundry. Thumper needs some sleep training too. He doesn't seem to know how to fall asleep on his own. We get so busy with other things that we miss his (tiny) sleep window. Then he has to be rocked or nursed to sleep. I'm hoping to spend some time next week teaching him how to just go to sleep.

Overall today was good. I got to watch my boy have fun. Even better I got to help the fun be possible. It's great to give a gift like that. Nothing tangible. Putting a smile on his face makes it totally worth it.

Not Cohesive at All

So a lot of days are rough with an almost 3 yr old. Yesterday was a different story. Thursday is usually our difficult day because Husband is gone all day at work and late into the night with school. Instead of being hard though, it was a great day. Peanut only lost his mind twice and was easily calmed down. I can't even think of anything specific that happened, but it was relaxed and overall a great day.

Of course this morning when he got up he was grumpy again, but I'll take the time I get. It took us a long time to get to school.

I wrenched my back on Monday. I couldn't move much at all. Today it's better, but gets cramped up pretty easy. The worst part was yesterday when both Husband and my sister were like " aren't you better yet?" I understand being curious, but it came out more like they were done caring. Every time I think of talking about it or even mentioning that it hurts I bite my tongue. Then I get annoyed when I do wince or groan in pain and they are like "what's wrong". I'll say, my back hurts and they ask if it's again. No. Not again. Still. How about we not talk about it and I'll just let you know when it's right again?

Random Thoughts:

Why do we pronounce the name Herb with the H, but the seasonings we don't even though they are all spelled the same?

We're watching Posiedon (sp?) on television and it seems to have a few flaws in it. Wouldn't someone notice their ship having issues? I know it would take a while before they could get there, but wow. So are they all part fish? They seem to have a very large lung capacity.

Ok. I'm tired.

Mr(s) Clean

I went to a play date today. Peanut was in school, but I took Thumper with me. It was nice to hang out with other moms even if one kid was missing. Anyway, we went to this gals house and it was spotless. She made muffins and a coffee cake. The dishes were like fine China. Who lives like this? My house has toys and other junk all over. There isn't a room in the house that looks spotless. OK, yes, my house is bigger and allows for more spaces to house more junk, but how do moms keep their houses so clean?

I'd love to have a play date at my house, but I'm not sure I could get it so clean or make any type of edible food. I joined a mom group and once in a while I'll have to take a dish to the breakfast. I'm already wondering how to get dressed, get the kids dressed, get Peanut to school and feed Thumper so I can make it to the meeting by 9am. When do I make a breakfast dish? I guess maybe I could get a bunch of fruit or something.

No Names Please

I don't post often. This is my outlet. I talk with Husband and family, but there are times I don't want them. The Internet seems like a good place to vent things. I can print them and forget them. Sometimes people comment and that is nice. I read several other blogs, but rarely comment. I guess I'm a lurker.

Some blogs give names and places and practically an address to come visit. While I do write about my kids I won't ever post their names or where we are or any of that information. I don't think I have enemies, but I also don't want to find out. One of the blogs I read is shutting down because someone in her life can't leave her alone. They apparently use her blog to get close to her and harass her.

I'm sure everyone has heard the story of the blogger getting fired over what she wrote. I feel it's my right to say whatever I want, but would never want someone to hold it against me. Most of the blogs I read are fun stories and rarely about a specific person. I'll admit I do like to hear about their lives. It feels like a friend even though I've never met them. I love to read KD's blog because we are friends and it gives me a chance to keep up with her. We're both lousy at actual communication so blogs let us keep up a little easier.

I do read a blog about a family. They both post their names and the names of their children. I know the city where they live, but I don't know much more. I personally don't have the desire to find them, but someone might. There are people out there waiting for just enough information to pounce.

This morning I thought of posting a picture of my chubby baby. He is getting so big and fat. I wanted to post a picture of his several chins and thighs, but thought against it. There could be a person out there doing Lord knows what while looking at his picture. I don't want that for any child let along my own.

So if you read my blog, welcome. The posts are a bit vague and I don't use real names or places. I hope that some of it is still entertaining to you, but this is for me.

I Want a Makeover

I've been feeling down lately. Maybe it's the rain.

Peanut is doing very well potty training. We had a few accidents the first two days and nothing since then. He is not telling me he has to go yet, but we're getting there. At daycare he is pretty much done. He tells them he has to go and then goes. We'll get it.


I went to a mom group meeting yesterday. The meeting was OK, but I felt out of place. Sure I'm a mother and therefore I fit in, but I didn't know anyone. The lady next to me kept talking to the lady next to her since they were good friends. The gal on the other side of me was quiet and not into talking. The room was so loud I couldn't hear anyone else. Plus I had Thumper with me and I missed a lot of the meeting when he started to cry.


Lately, I feel so alone and left out. It doesn't help my mom is here to see us and spending all her time with my sister. She came for Grandparents day and I haven't seen much of her. She keeps talking about moving here so they go look at houses for sale. What no one seems to get is that she will never move here so they are all wasting their time. I would like it if she would move here, but she's been talking about moving for almost 12 years. It's not going to happen.


A lot of the ladies at the meeting looked so put together. The hair was fixed, the make-up looked good and the clothes were nice. I felt so sloppy and frumpy. I barely made it there on time as it was so I had no time to fix hair (pony tail), do make up (some mascara and lip gloss) or put an outfit together (jeans and t-shirt). I was clean though so maybe that's a start.


I never get the fab treatment. I know a girl that walks in to any salon and gets a great haircut. Maybe she just has the face for it. I go in to the same place and get something that looks like my 3 year old did it with his eyes closed. Perhaps it's low self-esteem. I should work on that. I keep thinking of cutting my hair, but in all my life I've only had a few good short haircuts. Plus, then I have to fix it all the time. At least when it's long I can throw it in a ponytail.

Husband keeps telling me to get some clothes so I can feel better in what I'm wearing. Sure I want to get back to my pre-baby size, but in the meantime I can look and feel good in what I'm wearing. Not a bad idea, but I'm not even sure where to shop. I used to be good at fashion and still am for other people, but when it comes to my own wardrobe I'm lacking.

I'm so happy it's Friday.

And It's Storming Here

Today is day three of illness. Peanut has a cough and a fever. He seemed better this morning. He played really well and was a fun little kid. The fever seemed to be gone. Then we hit some sort of pot hole.

He said he had a dirty diaper (no he isn't potty trained yet - you do it) so we went to change it. It wasn't dirty or even wet so I said "let's go potty". I figured he had to go since he was talking about it. So he sat and I gave him an Elmo potty book. It has lots of buttons that make sound effects. The story is something about Elmo and his dolly David getting potty trained.

Anyway, Peanut sat there quite a while and then said he was done. He tried to take the book to the living room and I told him it was the bathroom book to be read while on the potty. This would be where the pot hole was lurking. He wanted to get back on the potty to read the book. I was OK with this, but asked him if he had to go or did he just want to read. Then he got upset. He threw the book (breaking it) and the rest of the day went down hill.

We had lunch and he spent most of it staring into space. He was really tired. So I took upstairs to nap. We started reading books and one thing after another he lost out on the last two books. Crying. Two hours later, still no nap. Some time after that I realized he was burning up again. He sat next to me and put his little head on my shoulder. He only snuggles like that when he doesn't feel well. We watched television and a movie to pass time. He ate a bite or two of toast for dinner and we were off to bed.

Things were going so-so at this point. He was totally exhausted. His poor little eyes were all puffy from being sick and crying so much. Bedtime is usually 8:30pm, but tonight I started at 7. Good thing I did. We did the routine and got into bed. He started coughing and then threw up. So I stripped him and the bed, got everything cleaned up and started over. He freaked out when I left the room without taking his cup and cried for a minute, then passed out. Thumper started to freak out at this point too. I fed him to quiet him and that worked for a bit.

Both boys were out of sync today. When one went to sleep the other woke up grumpy (or didn't sleep). When I finally got one calmed down and situated the other lost his mind. I didn't have much time for anything today. At one point I had to pee and remembered like 3 hours later I never did.

I would love to send Peanut to school tomorrow so I can rest. Since he had fever and threw up tonight I think it's a bad idea. It's movie day though. They basically watch a movie, eat lunch, nap and then watch another movie. I don't think he would be over active, but he might cough on all the other kids. I'd hate to start some epidemic. I might go out of my mind though. The next school day (rest day for me) won't be until next Wednesday. Aack!

I just realized both boys are asleep. I'm out of here and off to bed.

On My Mind

First, my kid is sick. Peanut has had a runny nose for over a week and in the last few days a cough has developed. Today a fever popped up. It is low-grade, but will be watched. Tonight he was coughing so hard he threw up. He was pretty upset about it. Daddy did a great job calming him down and I changed all the bedding. During the day he would cough and look at me with tears in his eyes as if to say 'mommy, make it stop'. How I wish I could have. It really breaks my heart to see my kid sick.

So, no school for him tomorrow. As a mother I totally understand and he should stay home and I'll nurse him to health if I can. As an individual that is very used to sending him to school on a Wednesday I'm disappointed to have to give up 'my' day. Even though I still have Thumper I can relax quite a bit. Sure Thumper cries, but I feed him and put him to sleep and things are great.

Oh well. We'll probably end up watching television for most of the day. That's OK. Kids need those lazy sick days. It won't hurt him to be spoiled for an extra day. My concern at this point is to keep the other 3 family members from getting it. I pretty much get everything that gets anywhere near me so I'm probably going to get it. Please, please, please do not let the baby get it. That is the last thing we need.

Second, I am supposed to be helping my sister with a paint job. I did tell her ahead of time that this is her job and I would help when I could. I spent about 6 hours there yesterday and got 2 1/2 hours worth of work done. It's hard to work with a baby. He was extra fussy yesterday and didn't nap well. I was frustrated. When you have a baby you know you won't get stuff done, but you still want to. Anyway, I didn't work today and won't tomorrow or Thursday. So maybe on Friday if we all stay healthy I might get to work some. I have to keep reminding myself the kids come first and anything after that is gravy for me.

I told my sister tonight that I might have to stay home. She was pretty uncaring about it. She basically said 'whatever'. I was a little sad until I realized the other option is she makes me feel bad for not being there. Neither option was one I wanted, but I'm not sure there was one in between. Maybe she could have said something about she understands, but she'll still miss having me there. Yes. That would have been nice to hear.

Third. I'm tired. Have I mentioned that before? Oh. Well it's still true. I don't feel appreciated. Do I toot my own horn to get attention? That somehow feels fake. If no one notices what I do, then what's the point. I don't want to have to list what I do so someone can then say oh wow.

Fourth. Did I mention the cleaning people are gone? It was a mix up and I don't miss them really, but I miss having a clean house. We are total slackers when it comes to cleaning. Right now we have an excuse with the sick kids, but what then? I guess I'll try to find a new person soon.

Loads of Random

We've lived in our house for one year. We made the offer on July 4th and closed on my birthday. Then we moved in two days later. One month later I got pregnant. In the following months we've slowly painted and re-painted a few rooms. There is still a lot to do, but a couple rooms look pretty good. None of them are totally finished, but look nice enough for now. Maybe if I had mucho money to spend we could finish the decorating in a flash. I'm going as fast as the budget allows (which is pretty slow). That's ok. It gives me time to think of what I really want.

Why do smokers wear seat belts? Does anyone else think that's weird? Smoking slowly kills you whereas a car crash could kill you instantly. Are they afraid to die fast? I believe smoking causes cancer and other bad stuff to infect your body. Smoking will kill you. Sure, it's not immediate and some will argue that you will die anyway (although sooner if you ask me). A car crash would probably kill you pretty fast if not instantly. So smokers are ok with dying a slow cancer death but not a quick car crash death. Go figure.

I'm going to the dentist on Friday. I hate the dentist. Sure, I've never been to this one, but I already hate it. They clean your teeth and tell you how awful you are at taking care of your teeth. I do the best I can. Yes, I could do better, but I don't. So please don't make me feel bad about it. Just fix me up and send me on my way. Oh and could you just knock me out while you do the work? That would be fantastic.

My boys are growing so fast. Peanut will be three soon! It occurred to me he will be moving to a new room at daycare. He'll have a new teacher and be with new friends. Of course he has to be potty trained first, but I think that will happen soon enough. I hope he copes ok. Some of the kids in the 3's room he already knows from when they were in the 2's room. I'm not sure I can handle it.

The baby is growing fast too. I looked at him today while he was asleep on my lap. His head is enormous. I can't believe he is almost 3 month old. Where is time going?

My sister scored a couple of painting jobs. I do hope I can work some. I think it will be hard with the baby, but he does nap. Part of me doesn't want to work while he naps since that is my time. Making money seems like a pretty good motivator to do something though.

My cleaning service accidentally ditched me. I got a letter saying they were sorry I left when actually I never left. I told them to forget it. To me good customer service is making me feel like I'm the only customer regardless of how many they actually have. The gal started talking about how she has so many customers she can't keep track of them. Well, now she has one less. Apparently two less since some other person did cancel. She try too hard to get us back either. She said they could still come, but didn't offer to make it up to us in any way. I thought a little discount or something wouldn't have hurt them at all, but whatever. Saving the money is fine with me. We'll either find someone else or I'll try to get my butt in gear and do that on top of everything else.

Speaking of everything else...I've been doing the washing, folding and putting away laundry, loading and unloading the dishwasher, washing the other dishes by hand and putting them away, going to the grocery store, planning and fixing meals, generally cleaning up as well as trying to sort through the disaster that is the office and oh yeah, raising two children. Could I get a bit of appreciation? I'm feeling a bit overlooked. I think some of that comes from my sister. She asked me to help her design her daughters new room and I gave ideas and made drawings. She didn't really appreciate anything I did. Eventually, I sort of backed away. I wanted to help and be a part of it, but I also wanted to not be taken advantage of. So it's done or at least getting there. Some of it is how I suggested, but most of it is how her mother wanted it. So much for doing something the daughter wanted.

I've wrenched my back. I was on the couch and stood up with the baby and then it was stiff. It hurts to move. Guess I better figure out what medicine I can take. At this point I need a heavy dose of something.

Summer is almost over. I think we did what we could to enjoy it. Sometimes I think we stayed at home too much, but we made it to the pool quite a bit and did have some fun. Having a baby takes a couple options out of your life, but we tried to just incorporate him when we could.

I'm also attempting to sew again. I'm making new bedding for the baby. I've bought the fabric and I'm trying to sew a bumper pad and bed skirt with only the existing ones as a pattern. This should be interesting. I'll try to post a picture when they are done. If they are ever done that is.

I'm going to try to make this for a party this weekend.

All Around and All That

Thoughts on Olympic gymnastics.

1. Over the course of all these many years, why has no one designed an outfit that does not go up the rear?

2. One chick has a large forehead and a long nose. Wearing your hair poofed up on top only makes it all look that much larger.

3. Oh yah, the chick in #2 never smiles. I get you are nervous and all, but geez, look a little happy to be there.

4. Doesn't it hurt to land on the side of your ankles?

5. It freaks me out to watch the balance beam. I took gymnastics for a while and hated the beam part. Of course I have no balance so maybe that's why I didn't do so well. I can't imagine being there and going all those flips on something barely as wide as your foot.

6. I get that they are around the World from me and all, but does the stuff I want to watch have to be on at midnight? I have a baby for crying out loud. He's going to wake up soon and well, cry out loud. I need to sleep when he does, but this only happens every 4 years. It's not like I can catch the re-run.

7. Another chick has one eyebrow way out of sync with the other. It's annoying when they do a close up on her.

Go USA!

No One in the Bedroom

So, I had a baby not long ago. There are lots of books and whatever that says you should wait 6 weeks to do the deed after the birth. That's great. I was just sort of feeling slightly back to normal at 6 weeks. So here we are at almost 11 weeks and lets just say we haven't had 'relations' in a while.

On one hand I think we should sort of get it over with. The first time I mean. After that I think it will get better and we'll get back into the groove, so to speak. On the other hand I'm not interested so why force it? I guess because if we don't get to it, we may start having some issues.

I'm beat at the end of the day. Keeping up with the kids and the house is draining. Plus, Husband is in an MBA program and he is crazy busy with school. Two nights a week he is home late and the other nights he is usually doing homework. We rarely go to bed at the same time. Not much love happening there. I'm not complaining. I know he has to study to do well at school and I want him to do well. It's just that sometimes I want him to pay more attention to me.

I guess maybe 2 months isn't that long and I should give us a break. I was just thinking about it.

Water Boy

We went to the Lake over the weekend. I actually suggested it on Friday. I figured it would be one of the last weekends for us to go this summer. I told husband that it was a lot of work to pack the kids and dogs, but we should go anyway. In reality it's more work than fun, but it's nice to go to see my father-in-law.

So we left early Saturday morning and only had to stop once to feed the baby. Once we were there we hopped on the boat and went for a ride. It was great. FIL drove and we sat with the kids. Thumper sleeps and Peanut hangs on for dear life. He does great if he can sit on a lap.

Husband took Peanut on the Jet Ski. He loves it. Shortly after take off he starts squealing with delight. It's fantastic. He gets so excited about it. I swam with him a bit too. The water was warm like a bath tub. We both put on life jackets and floated about.

Saturday evening we went out to dinner and then started the fun over again on Sunday. It was a great weekend. I had a lot of fun. The boys both did great the whole time with minimal fussing. The weather was great for boating.

I got a glimpse of future visits. My boys are going to love going to Grandpa's house. Not only do they get to see Grandpa, but all the water activities are great too. Anyway, it was a lovely weekend. The ride home, not so much. We left late since we were having so much fun and Thumper had issues. We had to stop to feed him twice and he was grumpy for quite a while. I think he gets tired of being in the car seat and the car in general. Peanut did fine, he got to watch a movie on the portable DVD.