It Really Is A New Year

Most of you don't understand this photo.  Sure, it's a picture of my hand wearing my wedding rings.  Lovely.

Here is what you are missing.

Years.  It has been years since I've been able to get my rings on my finger.  It's been just a bit too fat for a loooong time.  I think maybe I could wear it before my last child was conceived, which was at least five years ago.  I think it's been longer though.  For most of that time I have worn other rings.  Rings that were cheap or ones I found at Target.  Nothing too fancy.  I started to wear a ring my husband gave me nine years ago instead.  It's a nice ring, but not my wedding ring.  I didn't know how much weight I would have to lose to get it back on.  I couldn't seem to stick with any diet or exercise plan long enough.  If anything I got worse.

So what changed?

My kids.

We have gone Gluten and Dairy Free for them.  We are trying a program to help with some behavior issues and one of the facets is the GF/DF diet.  We were willing to try anything.  Even though I had been slowly eliminating processed foods and sugar we hadn't committed to a super clean eating way of life.  The week after Thanksgiving we took the plunge.  I cleaned out the kitchen and replaced everything.  We've eaten out at a restaurant once since then.  We've gone to friends houses for dinner, but usually eat before or after as there aren't many choices for us.  We know.  We took food to our family Christmas celebration.  The kids dearly missed the fluffy rolls that were served, but otherwise we managed a solid meal of ham, mashed potato, green beans and Jell-O.  I made some brownies that were pretty awesome too.

Some of it has been pretty easy and some has been hard.  The kids miss things, but I've found substitutes for some things.  There are times it's pretty awkward too.  The kids go to a book club that serves donuts and juice.  They take their own GF/DF donuts with them.  Odd yes, but they still get to enjoy the event and the donuts are pretty good.

I am awake now.  Before I was always so foggy and sleepy.  I could sleep most of the day and still sleep at night.  My alarm goes off now and I'm up.  I rarely need a nap and only if I'm sick.  I have more energy.  I'm happier too.  Not being tired all the time has freed up more of me to deal with tantrums and fits with a bit more grace.  I choose happiness.  I was getting to be so negative and depressed.

The second thing I noticed was my Fitbit band getting looser.  I would joke that it's great to be losing weight in my wrist.  I guess I'm slowly losing in my fingers too, because when I tried my rings on today, they fit!

There is still a long road ahead, but this is the best encouragement I could get.

Send Peanut Butter

I'm over it.

Parenting.

Need I write anything more?  You all get it.  You are there.  You understand.  I have reached a point where I am out of ideas.  Usually some new behavior pops up and I can think of something.  Now?  Nothing. 

When you decide (or maybe not) to have a baby, you understand you will be raising it for a long time.  It's not a cake.  You don't just make it and bake it and then it's over.  It's an investment.  At the time of going from no kids to kids I really didn't understand all the details.  You feed them, clothe them, teach them stuff, care for them and more.  Yes.  That part is clear.  It's the gray area no one sees at first.  For example, when you are teaching them and they don't listen or they  purposefully do the opposite.  OK, you explain again.  Nothing.  You then have to start making it a thing, not just casual conversation. 

It goes a little something like this. 

Parent: We pick up toys when we are done playing with them.
Kid: 
Parent sings the clean up song to encourage and make it fun.
Kid:
Parent:  Hey, come help me clean up toys.
Kid:
Parent:  You can't play with other toys until you clean up these.
Kid then dumps out eight baskets of various toys and games.
Parent:  Hey, that's not OK.  Let's clean this up.

Up to this point most parents are still calm and trying to explain why we clean up, what the benefits are and other garbage.  The kid does not care.  They are playing.  So after a some amount of time, as each of us is different in our toleration levels, we get more upset about it.

Parent:  Get. Over. Here. Now!
Kid:
Parent:  Time Out?
Kid doesn't say anything, but the look you get speaks volumes about how they would love three minutes to figure out more ways to get under your skin.
Parent:  Come clean up!
Kid:
Parent will start to lose their mind about now.  Counting to sound threatening, but really the kid has no idea what happens at three and the big secret is that the parent doesn't know either.  There are time outs and being sent to their room and no dessert after dinner.  None of it actually got the toys picked up.

So here I am.  Sitting in the proverbial pile of toys dumped on the floor.  What now?  I spent good money on these things (the kids and the toys) so I don't want to throw them away (the kids or the toys).  What now?  What does it take to get the kid to walk over and throw a few Legos back into the box in which they came from? 

This story isn't what's really happening, but to explain that I've tried talking, reasoning, threatening and yelling and more and still no change.  What now?  I'm out of ideas other than boarding school.  Is that still a thing? 

So I sit here sipping my tea, praying some new idea comes to me.  I love my children, but the problems are getting serious and I'm not sure how to deal with them.  My coping strategies so far are hot showers and dipping Halloween candy in peanut butter.  I'm clean and fat, but no progress on the behavior front.

Dreams Are Great Until They Haunt Your Days

I am obsessed.  Really.  My thoughts are mostly consumed by it.  There was yesterday I didn't think about it, but I was at the dentist and really, I could not think about anything else until that was over.  Today I am back on it.  What changes I would make, what I would do first, how the kids would deal with it.  These are consuming me.  My reality is I know this won't ever happen, it will not work.  My dream is another thing all together. 

My daydream is to have a chunk of land very near town.  I don't want to be 30 minutes from the grocery store or the school.  This is about 2 minutes away from our current house.  Still in the same school districts.  Only a minute or two farther from the grocery store or Target. 

On this chunk of land is a large fixer upper house.  I usually imagine a more castle like appearance, but a sweet farm house would be nice too.  Something cheap with some decent bones we could love on.  Sure, this may not even have decent bones, but I am still not deterred.  The potential is overwhelming.  Gorgeous flooring, quaint farmhouse style kitchen, tall ceilings with beautiful lighting.  A mix of glamorous and farmhouse, new and old.  I can see all of it.  I can see the kids learning to drive a farm tractor, fishing in the pond and playing soccer on the back 40.  There isn't actually a back 40, but plenty of room for a soccer field with full size goals to practice on. 

This dream is starting to haunt me.  I can't let it go.  I keep checking the listing to see if it's been snatched up yet.  I may cry if they turn it into a subdivision.  The potential is so there.  I just don't have enough spare change.  The price has come way down, but I would need a miracle.  Not to mention, my husband just isn't that into it.  He doesn't even know about it.  It's not his dream.  I think the whole process would be his nightmare.

Do I share my dream?  Do I speak it into the wind and hope someone hears it?  Will this same dream come around in 15 years when I might be more ready for it?  I don't know.  Logically, I know this is a foolish idea, but somehow I can't seem to get it out of my head. 

Stay Where You Are Needed

I'm feeling unsettled.  Perhaps Fall is a time of transition?  The trees change, leaves turn colors and then fall.  The weather gets cooler, going from a bit chilly to frigid cold.  Everyone seems to be at the start of wrapping up their year.  I feel this way.  I feel a change is needed.  This summer I started a pretty good routine of "me time" but started to fade away once school began.  I am ready to take back my time.

I have had a small side business for several years and this year it seems to be a great deal busier.  That's great, but it's a lot of work and I am uncertain if it is worth the turmoil it puts my family in.  Dinner goes unplanned, kids are raced out the door to their activities and the last time my husband and I actually sat and talked has long passed.  Business.  It's all business.  None of it seems to be making any difference in anyone's lives.  Why do it?  Obligation maybe?  I feel a responsibility to be the one to do this for others.  I get paid.  I get compensated for what I do so it's not a total loss.  It just takes me away from other home activities and "me time". 

By the end of the year I will have fulfilled all of the jobs I have committed to.  I think the New Year will be the perfect time to ease up on some of those jobs.  I will make an effort to say yes to fewer things.  My kids need me to be at home.  I need me to be at home.  Right now, being a stay at home mom is the job I want most.

A Date of Any Other Date Would Be As Remembered

So today is 9/11.  Just about every person alive knows what you mean when you say 9.11.  Yes it's today's date, but it really references one particular September 11th.  It's a tough day.  There were so many innocent lives lost that day.  A person didn't need to be in New York to feel the tragedy.  It was an American tragedy. 

I remember where I was, what I was doing and how the day played out.  It was surreal.  I was going about my life and watching this terror on the news.  I got in my car and drove home and just didn't even know what to think.  What is happening?  Why?  I didn't understand. 

Four years ago today, 9/11 took on a new meaning for me.  I had a baby on 9/11.  It's an odd situation.  A baby is a wonderful, celebratory occasion.  What about if it's the same day as one of the greatest American tragedies?  It's different.  I would venture to guess that those women who had a baby on the actual 9.11.01 probably felt odd celebrating in the midst of it.  Twelve years later, it was still odd, but maybe less so.

Although, someone actually looked into my eyes and uttered the phrase "wouldn't it be just terrible to have a baby on 9.11"?  I wondered if they remembered it was my child's birthday that day.  I felt sorry for the women giving birth that day.  It's just odd. 

I remember.  I probably will never forget, just as those around when JFK was shot still remember.  They remember where they were and what was happening to them.  I'll remember.  I will also celebrate my child on 9/11.  I won't shy away from living a normal, healthy life on any particular day.  Sure, some are harder for the reminders they bring to us.  I choose to still celebrate what is now.  What is now for me is my precious D. 

Today we hung out and enjoyed the day.  I did wonder what it would be like when he is older.  Will he see all the video and pictures on Facebook?  How will he react?  Will it somehow make his day feel less special?  I think there is room in every one's memories for both the tragedy and the miracle.

Happy Birthday D.  I love you and I'm grateful you came to me regardless of the day and what may have happened in the past.  You are capable of so much greatness.  I feel confident you have the potential to give the world new memories on 9/11.

Lesson Learned

The six week challenge is over and I have some thoughts I want to write down so I can remember them.

The challenge was set up in four teams.  Each team member earned points for a variety of items.  Drinking water, exercise on your own, gym fitness, miles walked and more.  At the start of the challenge I had really high hopes of blasting off some weight and really taking myself to the next level.  The first week was a challenge because I didn't plan what I was going to do.  By not taking an active role and waiting for things to come to me I stayed stuck where I was.  After a day or two I realized some effort was going to need to be expended on planning.

So, I planed about a months worth of exercise.  I had REFIT, Bodies, 5ks and my PT to do.  I thought doing these things would be enough to push me to the next level.  I think it would have been fine if I had done them all regularly.  Bodies and REFIT are only once per week and the PT started falling by the wayside once painting picked up again.  So I was left with walking in the evening, which was difficult to arrange with the kids.  I did do pretty well with the non active challenge items like drinking water, wearing swag and posting pictures.  Those were well and good, but didn't really drop any weight.  I was working hard to earn points, but not working as hard to earn my health.

I tried very hard to make wise eating choices.  I was logging everything into the fitbit app to track calories, protein and carbs.  The problem was I had no idea what I should be eating.  I was trying to make better choices though.  Going out to breakfast I skipped the French toast and had an egg white omelet.  Turns out, the French toast probably would have been fine.  I was trying to balance the Carbs, Fats and Proteins, but lost sight of healthy eating and balance. 

About half way through the challenge I noticed I was puffy and felt swollen everywhere.  I attributed it to the heat and walking in the evening after being active most of the day.  I tried to drink more water, but still not loving water, that was hard.  My trainer at the gym suggested I lay off the sodium and drink even more water.  Punching her in the face wasn't an option so I got serious about visiting with a dietitian.  More on that later.  I was super frustrated as I live pretty low sodium and was drinking a massive amount of water for me.  I did a little reading on "water retention" and learned some of it is natural and some is not.  Some, is caused by stress.  What?  No one ever mentioned this.  The anxiety I had over what to eat and what not to eat was causing my body to cling to every bit of everything I put in my mouth.  I was swelling and retaining, but not because of salt, because of stress.

Also at this time other challengers were posting weight and inches lost.  So many were hitting their goals and while I was so proud of them, it made me feel down.  Why was it not working for me?  What was I doing wrong?  I was walking just  like they were so why was I not seeing results?  This was another stressor for me as I was then feeling left behind.  Everyone else seemed to be getting it together and I was falling apart.  Each week I was more and more frustrated at what my body was doing or not doing.  I thought for sure the scale and tape measure would be moving. 

I was trying to relax and have "me time" to not only gain points in the challenge, but to reduce the stress.  It wasn't enough.  It was a constant cycle of stress and anxiety over the stress and anxiety.  The last weekend I was able to let go.  My family was out of town and food choices were limited by a small town.  Because my choices were limited and we were in a car quite a bit I just could not get in the same exercise and food choices and it was OK.  My body relaxed.  I felt good on Monday.  I felt less swollen, less anxious.  As Elsa sings "Let It Go" and I did. 

Today is Wednesday and I just left the dietitian.  I'm really going to like her. She affirmed so much for me.  All my stats came back in great numbers and she was really pleased there are no immediate issues to get in check.  Cholesterol, blood sugar and even weight were all good.  We're going to focus on learning healthy choices in regards to food.  I don't have a scale number to work toward and there is no list of rules to try to obey.  I eat normally.  I read about which foods are in which categories and eventually I'll learn sort of a good, better, best system.  X is fine, Y is better and Z is the best choice you can make.  I'm super stoked. 

One thing she really helped me with today was the stress and anxiety.  For me, it absolutely is a killer.  I hold on to weight and inflammation like a boss under stress.  My face even broke out like a 16 year old and I was so down.  Today, I feel good.  The pants are loose, the tummy is not bloated and I feel able to handle the day to day issues that come up. 

So even though the challenge is over I want to keep going.  I want to keep walking/running.  I want to increase my daily exercise and keep the water flowing.  I also want to add in some solid nutrition as I learn in the next 10 weeks with J.D.  BUT!  I'm not going to stress about it.  I refuse to compare my walk of life to anyone else.  I refuse to see my friend drop 10 lbs and be jealous.  Motivation and determination will be my guide.  My plan is to go on MY journey.  I welcome any encouragement, but I will not succumb to comparison.  My goal is to be a better ME, not just rack up points. 

Sharks are Gangsta too.

Here I am wearing my 1DOS
Like a B.O.S.S.
Baby, posting my swag.
Girl, you got this in the bag.

Trying to make a change, learn how to exercise.
Cut out the junk -  just say no to the fries.

A shark doesn't worry about the future and the past is in the past.
A shark dominates the now, because they are bad-ass.

Want to run a 5 or a 10K, you should walk one at least.
Push out of your comfort zone and tackle a Spartan or "The Beast".

Mama battled on her own for far too long.
Now she's going for her goals and helping us along.
She made 1DOS to help others in need.
Now we are working hard so we can all succeed.

I get so down
In the tank.  I start to drown.
Don't go it on your own
The sharks will come around.

You get a little push, encouragement to get you through.
1DOS.  It's just what we do.
That one degree is all there is between you and me.
We all help each other be the best we can be.


Where do you go from here?
What is your point, what's your "why"?
Stay the course, keep going and as they say in the tank
Progress, not perfection. Sharkify!

Why?

I want to be healthy.  What does that even mean?  Who does NOT want to be healthy?  Don't we all want that?  Saying I want to be healthy is like saying I like blue.  While it is a lovely color, it doesn't really mean anything.  So what?  Go Deeper.

My kids like it when I participate.  They like when mom and/or dad takes a turn at bat and runs the bases.  They like when we play the outfield (you know, the yard).  My husband coaches both boys soccer teams.  He's out there showing drills and teaching them skills.  I usually sit on the sidelines with the other mothers.  Not anymore.  I'm still not on the field playing soccer, but I'm on the other side of the school, walking/jogging on the track.  I'm trying to get to a place where I have the stamina to play.  I want to be able to participate without feeling like I might pass out.

Seeing everyone post their workouts and their eating makes me feel like I'm not taking this seriously enough.  I've been doing some sort of workout pretty regularly and walking at least two miles each day.  I sort of naively thought the weight would just melt off.  My eating didn't seem that bad.  Well, it apparently is not that good either.  Perhaps I need to make some adjustments somewhere.  I promise to check in next week with a nutrition/dietician type of person.  School started this week and I was up to my eyeballs in lunches, snacks, instruments, teacher notes, sports, scouts, friends and laundry (always laundry).  Anyway, I will find someone next week.  It's on my list. 

Growing up we ate some sort of meat, some sort of potato or rice and some vegetable.  Always milk to drink.  It was fine, but no one ever taught me how to cook.  So now I struggle with knowing what to do.  I have to have a recipe.  I can't really wing it unless it's saying "we're going out".  I've been doing pretty good with the recipes, but I need to see if I can get them to be more veggie friendly and less starch and sugar.  I'm not even sure what I'm talking about.  I really want the kids to learn to eat a rainbow and I'm not talking Skittles here.  I want them to think eating salad is normal, not torture.  Maybe they could even enjoy cooking.  

I'm so jealous of the meals I see posted.  I wish I understood half of it.  Someone mentioned eating Macros and the only macro I knew of was related to Excel.

Will I never eat a donut again?  What about cake?  What about regular pizza?  Is it all over?  Is that OK?  Will I some day get to a point where eating clean and healthy is not a thing, it's just normal?

Brain Jumble

So.  I'm trying to come up with a post about my journey or wellness and I keep getting derailed by a wide range of pesky feelings.  Just when I feel pretty secure about something, the rug gets pulled and those feelings of inadequacy creep on in.  My journey is no easier or harder than anyone else, but dang it sure does feel like it some days. 

Perspective is a funny thing.  I was reminded by a friend of mine.  She realized she was taking all her many blessings for granted.  The Green Monster had crept in and set up camp.  She wanted more, more and even more.  Talking to another lady, she realized how foolish she sounded.  I get it.  I want things I don't really even want.  What?  Yeah, it makes no sense.  I want a giant house with a pool and 100 acres of land.  Not really though.  I don't want to have to mow or tend a pool.  It's like a sugar addiction.  You want it even though you really don't want it.  Starbucks has its claws in me something fierce.  I go several times a week.  BUT!  I don't even like coffee.  What???  Not plain coffee.  I like the milk and sugar with a splash of coffee.  The sugar addiction has me in its clutches.  It is a slow process to wean myself.  Logging what I eat helps see where I just don't need or frankly want the extra calories.

Anyway,  I'm trying to learn to be comfortable just being me.  After years of mostly not liking me, it's hard to let go and accept who I am.  There are times I'm on fire and feeling pretty good.  Then the alarm goes off the next morning and I have no idea where to even start. 

I want to have it all.  Wake up in the morning, eat the healthy stuff and feed it to the kids too.  No junk in the house.  They can eat what they want because it's all OK.  Sign the school papers, make the lunches and everyone is off.  Tidy up the house, toss in a load of laundry and go about my day.  Instead it's a scramble, throw bagels at the kids, make PBJ (every stinking day) and off they go.  Yes, there is always laundry.  Basically it's a scramble from one thing to the next, whatever is due the next day.  Always behind, never ahead, never relaxed and enjoying my day.  There is a constant rumble of "I need" and "I've got to" and "I have to".  The goal is to get to "I think I'll do x" and "I want to" type of activities.  I love my kids dearly, but I'm a busy fool.

Progress over perfection, right?  Every day I try.  Every day I get up out of bed and try.  I think that's pretty good.  Sure do or do not, there is no try and all that.  Do or do not.  OK.  I'm doing, not trying.  I'm doing.  Some days I do it better than other days, but I'm doing it. 

Mind Games

It is mental, not crazy mental, but in your head mental.  Driving to soccer practice I am a little nervous.  Will the kids be OK?  Will it be hot?  Will I pass out?  Can I get through the whole thing?  Maybe not, maybe I should stay home and watch the kids there.  We can all sit around waiting for dad and the oldest to be done.  Wait.  What?  Giving up already?  Mental.

I haven't turned back yet, literally or figuratively.  So far, I have kept a forward pace.  Some days the pace is slow.  So. Slow.  But!  I am going forward.  For far too long I stood still waiting for something, never understanding the movement is what I was waiting for.  So now, I grab my phone, the ipod some water and we're ready to go.  Lace up my new running shoes and head to the track and playground.  Driving over my head starts to list all the reasons this is a bad idea.  Deep in my heart I know it's right.  Keep going.  Yes, life happens and sometimes we leave early to tend to one kid or another, but next soccer night we're right back at it.

While on the track there is a constant push pull of run, no walk, no go sit down, run free!!!  My thoughts are all over the place.  The only goal is to get one foot in front of the other.  Keep going.  Some days I aim for listening to a whole cd.  I tried the C25K program on night.  I've aimed for running every other lap.  Some nights I just walk until I really can't go any further.  Usually, two miles each time.  Each way is hard in its own right.  There is a mental war going on during each lap.  Somewhere in my brain thoughts pop up that it's all stupid anyway and what am I even doing.  In my heart I know.  Keep going.  Mental.

I also make deals each lap.  Run to that post.  Run to the next number.  Run until the chorus of the song.  Run for one lap.  I'm not sure my training methods are really advancing my running capabilities.  Still.  This method is better than the old method of sitting on the couch.  In my head I hear voices of 1DOS sharks too.  I hear Karl muttering choice phrases.  I hear Mary Beth encouraging me.  I hear Amy telling me sharks just get it done, they don't whine about it.  I hear Scott and Fred and a few others.  Most voices I've never even heard or met the person it belongs to.  I just know there is a tank of people ready to support me.  I picture them with me, cheering me on.  Some days there are visions of running an entire 5K and even though it's never happened before, I know just how good that will feel.  So mental.

There is a whole bag of worry I carry on these night too.  Will I be alone?  Will friends join me?  Will my family keep supporting me?  I started the idea of doing 5K's with a friend.  We agreed to walk and see where it led us.  I'm wanting more.  No.  I'm needing more.  I need to be pushed so there is an opportunity to rise.  For too many years I have gone with the flow and I can't get that time back.  Moving and pushing forward now makes me feel stronger.  Badass. 

You know what?  There is also a whole lot of joy.  I feel so lucky to be able to walk on a track.  I feel safe, I know the kids are OK.  Some nights I know a few folks walking.  One night I met someone new.  It's a whole new world.  The Sun shines on me and there is such peace.  The breeze blows and cools me off and I'm so thankful.  My heart is full.  I love my family for allowing me this time to work on me.  On top of it all I'm proud of myself for even trying, but more so for doing it even when the mental games kick in.

So this silly mental game goes on and on.  Some days are winners and others not so much.  Progress.  Move forward.  Lace up the shoes and go.  The mental game is hard, but the heart is fierce and beats on.  I found this quote.  "Listen to the promptings of the heart a little more, and listen to the complaints of the mind a little less." 

I Am Not A Frog

I have felt out of sorts for a while now.  Why do I live for so long in a place I am not happy in?  Cleaning out the basement I found countless journal entries from many years back lamenting my displeasure with life.  Why do I remain?  Why do I not jump up and change something?  Why do I stay?  I think there is a story about boiling frogs or something.  You put them in a pan of room temperature water and they are fine.  Then you slowly start to heat up the water until they are boiling.  They don't realize the danger and will boil.  I guess I have been in tepid water so long I just don't realize it is actually boiling now. 

It is the same with an injury.  You feel a little twinge one day and don't think much of it.  After a few days maybe you take some Advil.  After a few weeks you get used to compensating in some way.  Then you wake up the next day and you are in the worst pain you've ever been in.  How did I get here?  Why did you not do something the first day or even the first week?  Tepid water.

You know, it is hard.  Trying to change your life is so, freaking hard.  That wall that shows up the first few days or weeks of trying is so effective at putting us right back where we started.  Why do we not climb the wall?  Why do we not punch a hole in the wall?  Why do we go back to the start or worse?  It's hard.  It has to be.  I certainly don't want it to be.  I would love to just wake up and have it all figured out and a routine in place and my kids go merrily along.  That is not real life.  Real life is having three boys that are loud and they fight and they mess up and make big spills.  Real life is not sleeping well and being so tired you forget your own name for a minute.  Real life is you are out of milk and everyone wants cereal.  It's hard.  It is freaking hard.  It has to be. 

If it were easy?  It wouldn't be worth it.  I don't even have a good story.  It just is not worth it.  The hard, real life way is worth it.  You earn it.  You do it.  You succeed.  You put the effort in and it's rewarded.  You give a damn and you get back in spades. 

So what now?  I'm feeling the water heating up.  I'm trying to change.  I'm looking at the wall and thinking about how to be on the other side.  The best part of this is I have other people standing next to me willing to let me stand on their shoulders to get over the wall.  There are people on the other side waiting to catch me when I jump.  Open your eyes and see the people around you able and willing to help you get on the other side of the wall.  Reach out and feel the water.  It's heating up folks. 

Here's to finding the next journal entries that say "I hit a wall and went over it" and "I felt the water heating up, and I got out".

It Aint Magic

No Really.  It isn't. 

I joined a fitness challenge a few weeks ago and I was pumped.  I could not wait until the Monday it was going to start.  My head really built this up to be the be all, end all magic thing I needed to finally (FINALLY!) get moving and get in shape.  So as I waited for day one I pictured my new fit life.  I would be able to run a 5K, keep up with the kids, practice soccer with them, clean the house, sort through the junk, my marriage would improve, my friends would multiply, money problems would be resolved and (AND!) all this with a Mary Poppins attitude.

OK.  Stop laughing.  I really did feel like this challenge was going to change the world for me.  You know what happened on day one?  Nothing.  It was a Monday like all the rest of them.  Kids were grouchy, I was tired and my clothes still didn't fit.  Paying the fee and joining a challenge did not change any of the things I wanted to change.  Sure, it gets me on a team with other folks and there are points to earn and maybe even a prize of some sort, but it doesn't actually DO anything.  I spent that first day wondering how I was going to achieve all my dreams.  How were my clothes going to fit by joining a challenge? 

It was sort of like watching a magic show and the magician is really bad.  So bad, you see the bunny in the hat, you see the scarves in the pocket and nothing is a surprise.  Just disappointment.  Here we go again.  Nothing is going to change me.  Nothing is fixing all my problems.

But wait!  What about going to your high school reunion and seeing someone that has always struggled with weight suddenly is the hottest thing around?  We all ask "what did you do?"  We want an easy answer.  Like they took the green pill and suddenly life was different for them.  Where do you get the pill?  How many do I take?  We so want this new life they have and we want it NOW! 

So how does it happen?  Honestly, I think the 'how' varies a little from person to person, but overall here is the magic answer.  Me.  You.  Him.  Her.  Each of us has to change in some way in order to change.  I have to stop drinking soda and reach for water instead.  You have to put the chips away and grab some carrots.  He has to take the stairs instead of the elevator.  Get the idea?  There is no magic, there is no pill.  It is a person that decides to make changes in their life and then changes their life.  On day one nothing was going to happen because I did nothing.  Each day was going to be the same unless I changed something.  So I did.

While day one was kind of a bust, I did manage to get going on day two.  Now we are in week three and I am scheduling workouts and meal planning like it's my job.  Oh wait, it IS my job.  I run the MacFam and all the things that entails.  Meal planning, play dates, cleaning, paying bills, kid care and the list really does go on and on.  The change I made was to put me first as much as I can.  Sure, there are days I'm not first, but I'm never last anymore.  And that my friend, is magical.

And So It Begins

So it all starts with a Toy Story themed birthday candle.  I realized today it starts with something innocent and small.  Just an average everyday item.  Somehow it snowballs from there to a disease.  What?  Remember those fake news blips on SNL that would say something like "this common household item is killing you, more at eleven."  It played on that fear that normal everyday products could be so harmful for you.  They aren't, or at least at the time I think they were all OK.

Anyway, innocent candles to disease.  Here we go.  You might want to sit down.  I am pretty sure at some point you will recognize this in your own life.  So you throw a party for your child.  They wanted Toy Story, but not the alien candles you bought, they want the Buzz Lightyear flying candle.  So you plan to return the aliens.  But, you don't.  It's a special trip to a store you don't really go to that often.  You have kids so it's twenty times harder to walk into a store and return something.  By the time you are ready to go to the store, you forget to take the aliens.  Oh well.  What were they like $3.00.  No big deal you think.  I'll keep them.  I have other kids.  Surely we'll use them.  So they take up a tiny bit of cabinet space.  Next thing you know, Despicable Me sprinkles sit next to them.  Then a box of white cake mix.  You meant to use it, but the chocolate cake you did make was plenty.  Next time.  At some point your cabinet is full of these items.  Never used, but you don't want to waste them.

So Mutt, how are we leaping to disease here?  Empty your cabinet already.  Donate to the neighbor or Goodwill or heck, just throw it all away.  Well.  Those are all good suggestions.  Here is the honest truth.  I can't.  What a waste?  Someday I'll use it (no, I won't).  The disease starts when the stuff spreads to another cabinet.  Soon the kitchen is over taken by these items.  Then something comes along that is not a kitchen item.  Say all the special dinosaur figures you bought for a dinosaur themed party.  Where do those go?  Well, the children will surely play with them.  We'll make a dinosaur land.  It will be glorious.  No.  They play with them a few days and then you have 15 dinosaurs scattered throughout the house.  Get rid of them?  I certainly cannot return them.  I find a nice container to keep them in.  They find a few other dinofriends we already had.  Soon we have a giant Tupperware type container keeping all mankind safe from the Jurassic Era.  It's Jurassic Park all over again and we all know how that turned out.  Bad idea. 

Dinosaurs, birthday candles and supplies, toys, clothes, decorations and more.  They start small and multiply before you know what's happened.  It's impossible to get rid of any of it because "I may one day use this."  Soon you think burning your house down is the best way to get rid of all of it.  I don't personally suggest this, but I see the pros.

The irony is, my husband will want to keep the nails out of an old board or the screws from a door we're replacing and I will tell him to his face "we do not need this, do NOT keep it!"  I have uttered those words and he can sweat by it.  Saying it to me?  It does nothing. 

So what disease are we diagnosing today?  Hoarding maybe?  I'm not sure I would classify myself as a hoarder, but I do have a hard time getting rid of the "stuff".  Some of it is sentimental, some I really do feel like we would use.  Some I think the kids would be heartbroken.  Like they would even notice if we only had 10 Hot Wheels instead of 1,000.  They don't play with them at all.  Most of it could be taken out in the dead of night and the kids and I would never miss it.

A Time to Celebrate, Except I Guess Not

Gosh, I guess once a year seems about right for a blog.  What?  You post every day.  You get the gold star.  I am busy.  Or at least I am not busy with this.  Wait, what?

So, we had a baby.  We had a boy (surprise - not really).  He is wonderful and funny and sweet and all the things little babies are supposed to be.  Except he is not a little baby anymore.  In less than two weeks he will be one.  ONE!  I cannot take it.  He was supposed to stay tiny (OK, small) and a sweet sleepy baby forever.  Nope.  Already he is a trouble maker.  He is such a mini me for the two older ones.  He looks like one and still yet reminds me of the other.  It will be fun to see how he follows.

I have been having some trouble dealing with certain aspects of this last pregnancy and birth.  I am not sure how to get over it.  I was thinking maybe writing it all down would help get it out of my head.  Now, by no means do I dwell on this every day all day.  I do think of it once in a while and it makes me sad.  Occasionally, I will cry, but most of the time I think of it and go about my day.

No one threw me a baby shower. 

That's it.  That is the big sadness.  If you are reading this you might think I am nuts to dwell on this.  Who cares says you?  I care, says I.  Here is why.  When a woman is pregnant she is in a special phase that doesn't happen to everyone all that often.  So people treat said woman special.  They make her comfortable, they fetch her drinks and snacks or a puke bucket.  They encourage her, they tell stories and ask to hear the name list.  People help her decorate her precious bundles nursery and buy her gifts to show their love.  They also, throw her a shower.  They shower her, her baby and husband with cake, attention and love.  They show her just how special she is to carry a baby, to have a child.

So what does it mean to me to not have a shower.  After all, this was baby number 3.  Isn't there a minimum amount of time and effort one would spend on baby number 3?  What if it was baby number 9?  Surely, you just high five her in the hall and that's good enough, right?  No.  It means to me that I do not have close friends.  It means that of all the people in my life in some way, none of them are close enough or care enough to do this for me.  I know women that have had more than one child and a shower for each.  Even just a small gathering for appetizers and gifts.  I got nothing.  No one offered.  No one even asked me if I was having a shower.  (As a side note, I found out after the fact that someone told husband they would help with a shower, though no offer to actually host or have one).  No one even high fived me in the hall.  I know I am not close with very many people, but I though I mattered at least a little or enough for a baby shower.  After all my kids were 5 and 7.  We had given away and sold almost all of our baby stuff.  We had a crib and not much else.  There was plenty to help with.  It's not even about the gifts.  It truly is about no one caring for me. 

OK.  So what?  I had my baby and he was precious.  I had an emergency C-Section.  My baby was in danger, but turned out OK.  We had a total of four (4) friend visitors.  Two sisters came, one niece, one nephew and one brother in law and my mom.  Once.  They all came once except my mom who ended up watching my kids and came a few times.  However, she left town the day after I arrived home from the hospital.  Glad I was so busy throwing up, recovering from surgery and crying over my dying father to worry about friends coming to visit.  Some of our "friends" didn't even come until he was a month old.  Gifts?  Some.  Not many though.  Our neighbors brought us new baby clothes and I am not sure I know their last name.  I do, but you see my point?  One couple brought a meal and that was great, but we already had meals coming from church and they sort of just came over and didn't really make a plan. 

Some folks from church arranged meals for us.  That was great and very helpful.  I did hear the person comment later how hard it was and how they didn't want to do it.  Um.  Wow.  Thanks.  My dad died 13 days after my son was born.  Someone at church thought they should keep doing meals and wanted it to start up again.  It did for a few days and that was a nice gesture.  By then I was done.  Oh congratulations and I'm so sorry.  Thank you?  Maybe my hormones made it more awkward than it really was.

My baby is almost one year old and no one at church has asked me to hold him.  Ever.  Most people seemed to wait until I gave him to husband and then husband handed him off.  Was I some sort of baby ogre?  In my head I cared for him since no one else seemed to be offering.

So now, he is almost one and I want to have a little party.  My family will come.  I was looking at pictures from the parties of the older boys and our friends are there.  So I thought we should invite them too.  I also think that if they could not be bothered to come see him at his birth or celebrate him in the womb then why would they come celebrate his one year birthday?

So now I am  nine paragraphs in and the sadness is coming over me as I remember being so hurt and still being hurt by this.  I want to celebrate my kids and I want to have people around me celebrating them too.  It really stings that I do not have those people.  That I do not matter

Bah Humbug

I am grouchy.  I guess I have a right to be, but I wish I was not so grouchy.  Women should get a very nice gift for having babies.  I don't think men understand just what happens to us during pregnancy.  There are physical changes for sure and men can see those.  There are also emotional and psychological changes that no one can see or understand.  Perhaps other pregnant women can come pretty close, but each of us is different and different things will happen to each of us.  What bothers you may not bother me and so on.

I leaned toward another and husband leaned toward no more.  We sort of idled there for a long time.  I'm not sure how it was decided to go forward with a third child.  I think we sort of just went for it.  There was a moment early on when I thought it was not going to happen and I was so sad.  I thought that was my only chance and it was gone.  Little did I know there was no need for tears.  Now when I have moments of "what have we done?" I look back on that time to remember that yes, I did want this.

It's hard though.  My body is, changing more than I expected or wanted it to.  Let's just say there is a whole lot more of me than there ever has been.  I'm sure things will go back to normal eventually, but it has caught me off guard how disappointed I am.  I still have more to pack on and cannot imagine getting bigger. 

It isn't only about a number on the scale.  My fingers and toes feel like sausages.  Tight and pudgy.  My knees don't bend nearly as much as they used to.  My feet hurt.  My hips feel as though my legs are tearing apart from the rest of me.  It is difficult to walk with my sausage legs and aching hips.  My back isn't so great either.  I am tired.  All. The. Time.  I tried to nap today and the other kids kept coming in a talking to me.  I am hungry, but the things that sound good are only adding to that stupid number on the scale.  It's hot and I want ice cream, but sure, water will do fine.  Bleh.  I'm tired of drinking water.  I have to use the bathroom every twenty minutes.

There are things I like too.  I hate to sound like I hate everything.  Baby moves and it feels so weird and neat at the same time.  Baby gets the hiccups and then wiggles.  If I rub my belly, baby will push out near my hand.  I like to try to push on the knobby things and see if I can figure out which part of baby I'm poking on. 

There is also a lot of stress and a little depression and some weariness.  I've always told newly pregnant ladies to enjoy the first pregnancy to the fullest.  You will never be pregnant for the first time again.  It goes without saying, but the second, third and each one after will never be quite as thrilling.  No one dotes on you.  No one treats you special.  You still have to walk on your sausage legs through the grocery store. Sure, husband has helped tremendously, but it's not the same as it was with the first. 

Both boys are headed to school in a few weeks.  I would have been home alone.  Free to get a job or do more house things.  I can't do much now.  Even though babies sleep, I won't be able to do much.  I just keep feeling like I made a huge mistake.  One we will love and care for the rest of our lives, but a mistake.  I think that's normal.  I remember having doubts with both the boys.  Not that I would trade them for anything, but there was doubt I could be a good mom, that we would mess up, that it wasn't really supposed to be like it was. 

Wow.  I'm really a positive person here.  I guess writing some of this down makes me feel better.  I'm not sure where else to put it.  I think it's time for bed.

Almost to 32. What about You?

OK.  So we are at T minus 8 weeks and a couple days.  I am not freaked out.  Not totally anyway.  I constantly think about the nursery even though there really isn't too much to do.  I wonder if people will get us stuff or we should just go to Target and drop a fortune.  I am trying to pace myself.  There is no hurry until baby is here and we know more about him/her. Specifically the him/her part.  I have two nurseries in mind depending on the gender of baby.  I can get some stuff, but they are not the same so for most of it I have to wait.

I need to do some planning.  Just so I remember here are things I want to look into.

Make meal plans and even make some frozen meals so we can just defrost something when we are all tired and starving.

Make chore lists for the kids.  Figure out what a 5 and almost 8 year old can do and make lists so they just pick something each day.  I figure they can spend 5-15 minutes of their lives helping the family out a bit.  Put away laundry, run the vacuum and other little helpful things.

Make a homework chart.  I know neither of them will have real homework, but we like to have them practice.  I'd like a space set up where all their supplies live and they can easily do this.

Make a list of things around the house that HAVE to be done before baby.

Go on some sort of vacation.  Husband is working on this and I think we have something planned.

What am I forgetting?  Oh yes.  Coffee Bar Prep.  Make sure we have tons of supplies and who is getting what, when.

I would also like a massage and to color my hair.  Those are not top priorities, but would be lovely all the same.

This makes me feel better.  I like to have a plan.  Making a plan will make me happier.  Yes.  I think this will work.

This Roller Coaster Called Life

Being pregnant changes several things.  The first and most obvious is my body.  It changes almost daily.  Another is my wardrobe to accommodate that changing body.  My tastes have changed too.  Some things that used to be delicious are just OK now or even yucky. 

I would say one of the biggest changes is hormonal.  I'm not sure how much your levels change or even which ones change, I just know I am not the same "me" I was.  I have horrible fears, mostly related to my kids and the new baby.  Will baby have Downs?  Will it have all it's limbs?  Will it be blind?  Will it....?  These are all fears I cannot control other than to eat a healthy diet and do the best I can to be healthy. 

Today my fear has been driven in a new direction.  There were multiple bombings in Boston.  At the famous marathon.  There have been fatalities and many injuries.  People that had finished the race or were waiting for loved ones to finish or even just watching were injured.  Blown up. 

Is there a shrink machine?  I want to shrink my kids and put them in protective bubbles and then keep them in my pocket forever.  I realize this has its flaws, but for now I don't want to take them anywhere.  We went to a baseball game yesterday and now I kind of want to throw up.  What if some lunatic blew up a baseball game? 

There are no safe places.  We up security at airports and events and say we are fighting a war on violence.  We are not.  We are throwing a band-aid on a severed wound.  I'm not sure you can stop every nut from committing evil, though I would like to.  There are probably dozens/hundreds of attempts that are stopped each day that we really do not hear about.  It's the ones no one expects that take the breath out of you.  Can I put my kids on the school bus and not worry?  Can we go to the zoo?  Where can we go? 

I will not stop living life because something may happen.  An airplane could fall on my house or a tornado can hit it.  There is no where to go.  I can only pray that what is meant to be will be.  I can only live the life I have as best I can while I can.  I can only teach my kids that we make the most of today because we are not promised tomorrow.  Sure, we make plans.  I have a plan to have a baby in another four and a half months. 

There is nothing I can do to guarantee any of it.  I accept that.  Yes, I use caution.  I try to get the kids to use caution, but I won't freeze and wait.  I do pray for the lunatics of the World.  I pray that they are stopped, somehow thwarted for one more day.  That folks can run a marathon and reach goals and live life without senseless violence ending it.

Day 24 - Come and Gone.

So I'm done with the 24 day challenge.  I'm torn.  I lost about 2 lbs and about 5 inches.  Honestly I was expecting more based on other peoples results.  Not realistic, but still.  What did I gain?  Well, I ate really healthy for 24 days.  I drank a lot of water.  I even exercised once or twice.  So I think it was a good start.  A start to what?  A healthier life. 

I feel sick when I drink soda now.  I really want it and I miss it, but it doesn't taste the same to me.  I want candy too, but those make me feel yucky too.  Some things I can do, like lattes and some cookies.  I try to not over-indulge though. 

I have the supplies to do another challenge.  I think I may do one soon just so I can keep the healthy wheels turning.  I think having the structure of the challenge helps me not eat outside of what is good for me. 

The other challenge I faced was going to Disney World during the last week of the challenge.  It was hard to find things that fit into what I needed.  I did the best I could and didn't beat myself up over the rest.  I ate dessert.  I ate a hot dog.  Nothing too outrageous, but things I will try not to have everyday.  I like my Chai tea in the evenings and my oatmeal in the morning.  I'm not sure giving either up would do me any good.  Those keep me happy. 

Anyway, I'm trying to be better.  No.  I am being better.  I'm not trying anymore.  Trying gives me the option to stop or fail.  Doing it means I keep going even if there are setbacks.  Go me!

Still...nothing.

OK.  Here we are at day 14.  Anything different?  Not really.  Sure I'm still eating pretty well, but nothing else is much different.  What is wrong with me? 

I have never been one to get the exercise high.  I get tired and sweaty.  I guess it's OK, but if you really want to stick with something I think it should do more than just make you tired.  It would be nice if I at least enjoyed it.  I've been trying to just do it anyway knowing it is good for me.  I'm not fond of it though.

I did have unrealistic expectations.  I had them based on what other people have experienced.  Why do I have to be different?  I don't know, but I apparently am.  I keep hearing awesome numbers and mine pretty much suck.  Maybe I'm doing it wrong?  I'm eating lots of protein, veggies and fruit.  Is that wrong?  I guess it's not fish everyday, but jeez. 

So now we leave tomorrow and I am going to spend my wonderful vacation the same as I always am only eating healthy and still not getting anywhere.  I will skip the cookies, ice cream and other lovely foods in favor of protein bars, fruit and water.  Blah.  At the end of this I will be pretty much the same as I was.  Should I be happy I didn't get worse?  Probably, but that wasn't my goal. 

I am so grumpy.  I think I need to go to bed early tonight.  My mood is foul.  Not exactly how I want to be on the eve of the happiest place on earth.

Sloth

So...I'm on day six of eating healthy.  I don't feel better.  I guess I don't feel worse either, but for sure no better.  Am I dreaming?  Would it only take 6 days of no sugar, soda, bread, milk and whatever else to feel better? 

This afternoon I went for a walk and then had to take a 45 minute nap.  Is that normal?  Surely I should be able to stand on my feet for an hour without sleeping like a hibernating bear.

More protein?  More water?  More what? 

We are leaving for a vacation in 9 days.  I would like to enjoy it all day long, not just until noon when I feel like passing out.  I'm sure that will be thrilling for my kids.  Hey kids eat your breakfast quick cuz mommy only has three hours before she can't see straight and has to lie down.

Why is this so awful to me?  You would think eating as many vegetables and drinking as much water as I have would kick start a body into high efficiency.  Nope.  I have to pee more, but that's about it so far.

I guess I had high hopes.  Unrealistically high hopes.  Now that I realize it isn't changing me into some super active, healthy gal I'm disappointed.  Maybe? 

OK, confession time.  I ate a cookie the other day.  ONE cookie.  Did that really mess me up?  I don't think so.  It was yummy too.  The universe is lucky I didn't inhale the earth and eat everything in site.  One cookie.  Can you believe that?  Six days.  Over 600 ounces of water.  Vegetables.  Fruit.  Oatmeal.  Ugh. 

Sidenote:  Why do we spell ugh u-g-h instead of u-h-g?  Whatever.

Slow and steady, one step above unmoving and asleep.