Send Peanut Butter

I'm over it.

Parenting.

Need I write anything more?  You all get it.  You are there.  You understand.  I have reached a point where I am out of ideas.  Usually some new behavior pops up and I can think of something.  Now?  Nothing. 

When you decide (or maybe not) to have a baby, you understand you will be raising it for a long time.  It's not a cake.  You don't just make it and bake it and then it's over.  It's an investment.  At the time of going from no kids to kids I really didn't understand all the details.  You feed them, clothe them, teach them stuff, care for them and more.  Yes.  That part is clear.  It's the gray area no one sees at first.  For example, when you are teaching them and they don't listen or they  purposefully do the opposite.  OK, you explain again.  Nothing.  You then have to start making it a thing, not just casual conversation. 

It goes a little something like this. 

Parent: We pick up toys when we are done playing with them.
Kid: 
Parent sings the clean up song to encourage and make it fun.
Kid:
Parent:  Hey, come help me clean up toys.
Kid:
Parent:  You can't play with other toys until you clean up these.
Kid then dumps out eight baskets of various toys and games.
Parent:  Hey, that's not OK.  Let's clean this up.

Up to this point most parents are still calm and trying to explain why we clean up, what the benefits are and other garbage.  The kid does not care.  They are playing.  So after a some amount of time, as each of us is different in our toleration levels, we get more upset about it.

Parent:  Get. Over. Here. Now!
Kid:
Parent:  Time Out?
Kid doesn't say anything, but the look you get speaks volumes about how they would love three minutes to figure out more ways to get under your skin.
Parent:  Come clean up!
Kid:
Parent will start to lose their mind about now.  Counting to sound threatening, but really the kid has no idea what happens at three and the big secret is that the parent doesn't know either.  There are time outs and being sent to their room and no dessert after dinner.  None of it actually got the toys picked up.

So here I am.  Sitting in the proverbial pile of toys dumped on the floor.  What now?  I spent good money on these things (the kids and the toys) so I don't want to throw them away (the kids or the toys).  What now?  What does it take to get the kid to walk over and throw a few Legos back into the box in which they came from? 

This story isn't what's really happening, but to explain that I've tried talking, reasoning, threatening and yelling and more and still no change.  What now?  I'm out of ideas other than boarding school.  Is that still a thing? 

So I sit here sipping my tea, praying some new idea comes to me.  I love my children, but the problems are getting serious and I'm not sure how to deal with them.  My coping strategies so far are hot showers and dipping Halloween candy in peanut butter.  I'm clean and fat, but no progress on the behavior front.

Dreams Are Great Until They Haunt Your Days

I am obsessed.  Really.  My thoughts are mostly consumed by it.  There was yesterday I didn't think about it, but I was at the dentist and really, I could not think about anything else until that was over.  Today I am back on it.  What changes I would make, what I would do first, how the kids would deal with it.  These are consuming me.  My reality is I know this won't ever happen, it will not work.  My dream is another thing all together. 

My daydream is to have a chunk of land very near town.  I don't want to be 30 minutes from the grocery store or the school.  This is about 2 minutes away from our current house.  Still in the same school districts.  Only a minute or two farther from the grocery store or Target. 

On this chunk of land is a large fixer upper house.  I usually imagine a more castle like appearance, but a sweet farm house would be nice too.  Something cheap with some decent bones we could love on.  Sure, this may not even have decent bones, but I am still not deterred.  The potential is overwhelming.  Gorgeous flooring, quaint farmhouse style kitchen, tall ceilings with beautiful lighting.  A mix of glamorous and farmhouse, new and old.  I can see all of it.  I can see the kids learning to drive a farm tractor, fishing in the pond and playing soccer on the back 40.  There isn't actually a back 40, but plenty of room for a soccer field with full size goals to practice on. 

This dream is starting to haunt me.  I can't let it go.  I keep checking the listing to see if it's been snatched up yet.  I may cry if they turn it into a subdivision.  The potential is so there.  I just don't have enough spare change.  The price has come way down, but I would need a miracle.  Not to mention, my husband just isn't that into it.  He doesn't even know about it.  It's not his dream.  I think the whole process would be his nightmare.

Do I share my dream?  Do I speak it into the wind and hope someone hears it?  Will this same dream come around in 15 years when I might be more ready for it?  I don't know.  Logically, I know this is a foolish idea, but somehow I can't seem to get it out of my head. 

Stay Where You Are Needed

I'm feeling unsettled.  Perhaps Fall is a time of transition?  The trees change, leaves turn colors and then fall.  The weather gets cooler, going from a bit chilly to frigid cold.  Everyone seems to be at the start of wrapping up their year.  I feel this way.  I feel a change is needed.  This summer I started a pretty good routine of "me time" but started to fade away once school began.  I am ready to take back my time.

I have had a small side business for several years and this year it seems to be a great deal busier.  That's great, but it's a lot of work and I am uncertain if it is worth the turmoil it puts my family in.  Dinner goes unplanned, kids are raced out the door to their activities and the last time my husband and I actually sat and talked has long passed.  Business.  It's all business.  None of it seems to be making any difference in anyone's lives.  Why do it?  Obligation maybe?  I feel a responsibility to be the one to do this for others.  I get paid.  I get compensated for what I do so it's not a total loss.  It just takes me away from other home activities and "me time". 

By the end of the year I will have fulfilled all of the jobs I have committed to.  I think the New Year will be the perfect time to ease up on some of those jobs.  I will make an effort to say yes to fewer things.  My kids need me to be at home.  I need me to be at home.  Right now, being a stay at home mom is the job I want most.